Sorry, I wouldn't invite people over to my house for dinner on a Tuesday night without offering them wine/drinks, so there's no way I'd host the largest social event in my life dry. I just think that's poor hostessing, because even if I don't want to have a drink my guests might want to, and IMO being a good hostess means you think about what your guests might want/need to make their time more enjoyable.
In an ideal world, if you're throwing an event then you pay for all the costs associated with hosting it, including drinks. If you can't afford to pay for all 100+ people to drink, fine, but recognize that some of your guests might want to and at least provide them the option, even if they have to pay for it. Those who want to drink badly enough will spend the $$$, and they will have a good time. Those who don't want to drink don't suffer from this, so everyone wins.
There is no hostess rule that says you have to provide alcohol.
Brides and Grooms do provide food and drinks. You're just not getting the drinks you want. A good host/hostess offers food and drink options that fit within their budget and that suits their tastes for their event. Adding in alcohol so some people can get their drink on, loosen up, and party all night isn't a part of that deal. This is THEIR event, not yours. THEY get to choose what THEY serve. When it's YOUR event, then YOU get to choose what YOU serve. If you serve alcohol at your events, fine. If they don't at theirs, fine.
This whole alcohol must be available at a wedding thing really bugs me. It's the whole entitlement thing again. It's like some people can never get enough unless it's 100% of what they want and who cares about the fact that people who invited you love you and want you to share in their day.
I must say that this post really is hitting me in a dangerous place right now. My friend is the sweetest person the world, and she's engaged. She wants to make eveyone happy but shit is getting out of control. She "has to have alcohol" and a bridesmaid "has to wear this dress" and the groom's mom "has to invite her bunko group" and one guest "will leave if they don't play good dance music that she likes" and it's really pissing me off. My friend is so freaking stressed and the demands being placed on her are ridiculous. They're on a budget, trying to keep the guest list down, and trying to have the wedding of THEIR dreams, but people keep throwing shit at them and bullying her to back down and give her what they want. Then I talk to her and she is so upset or crying because people are being assholes. It really fucking pisses me off.
I think it also comes down to your social circle and expectations. Like I said, I have no problems with an afternoon wedding with no alcohol. But in our social circle, we'd never invite someone over for dinner and not offer them a beverage of their choice, and we experience the same when we go over to other people's houses. Even growing up our next door neighbors didn't drink alcohol, but still provided wine for guests.
There are plenty of ways to provide alcohol at a minimal cost to the bride/groom (for example, we found a venue that allowed us to bring in our own beer and provided the wine at the winery price, no markup).
Even Emily Post (and other etiquette sites) state that your guests comfort should be your primary concern. I also have no friends who abstain from alcohol for religious or personal reasons, so in the case of our social circle, it would be just to save money, and again, it all comes down to the theme of the event.
And honestly, marynjoe, your friend just needs to decide where her priorities are. If the groom's mom isn't contributing towards the wedding, she doesn't get to add guests, period. There are tons of venues in Washington where you can bring in your own beer/wine to help with the costs. Our champagne came from Costco. No one complained.
Heaven forbid you go to an evening wedding with no alcohol!! My friends drink, I drink. We chose not to have alcohol. What would you do if that happened in your social circle?? And screw Emily Post. Emily Post or other etiquette gurus don't have to cons to my wedding.
Heaven forbid you go to an evening wedding with no alcohol!! My friends drink, I drink. We chose not to have alcohol. What would you do if that happened in your social circle?? And screw Emily Post. Emily Post or other etiquette gurus don't have to cons to my wedding.
This! I have several friends that don't drink for religious reasons. We seriously got more grief from his family for having alcohol at our wedding than I thought possible. We wanted wine and beer but almost didn't have that because of budget. We had a late afternoon wedding and dinner time reception. I wouldn't have felt bad for my guests if we hadn't had alcohol at our wedding.
And honestly, marynjoe, your friend just needs to decide where her priorities are. If the groom's mom isn't contributing towards the wedding, she doesn't get to add guests, period.
And if they're budget doesn't include alcohol, a guest doesn't get to insist on alcohol. And to be polite, they shouldn't bitch about the lack of alcohol either. Or call her a bad hostess.
I swear, I talk to her all the time emphasizing that it's HER wedding and she needs to tune out everyone else griping because they're not getting what they want. Well, on their wedding day, they can have what they want.
And honestly, marynjoe, your friend just needs to decide where her priorities are. If the groom's mom isn't contributing towards the wedding, she doesn't get to add guests, period.
And if they're budget doesn't include alcohol, a guest doesn't get to insist on alcohol. And to be polite, they shouldn't bitch about the lack of alcohol either. Or call her a bad hostess.
I don't think anyone is saying to be rude. Calling someone a bad hostess or bitching about the lack of alcohol to a host is rude.
We're all just saying between no bar and a cash bar we'd prefer a cash bar. IMO this doesn't make anyone an alcoholic, everyone just has different priorities for spending their money.
I was at a wedding this weekend that had free beer and wine until 9:30pm and after that it was 100% cash bar. Also, you had to pay for your soda ALL NIGHT! Then, they ran out of water at about 10:30 and the "bar" didn't have any water either. I had to ask someone who ran the facility for water and she went to a completely separate room down the hallway to get me a bottle of water. WTH??
I just wish I knew it was going to be cash because DH and I just never have cash on us and this weekend was no exception. I stuck to beer until 9:30 and begged for water...
Free beer and wine until 9:30 sounds reasonable....but making people who DON'T want alcohol pay is actually the thing I find BS given that SO many people don't drink for a zillion valid reasons. Alcohol is truly not required, but friggin WATER is! Also, how DO you REALLY run out of water? Were they in a weird desert camping location? I'm assuming they were in the US with non-contaminated municipal water. I will TOTALLY judge on that.
This! I have several friends that don't drink for religious reasons. We seriously got more grief from his family for having alcohol at our wedding than I thought possible. We wanted wine and beer but almost didn't have that because of budget. We had a late afternoon wedding and dinner time reception. I wouldn't have felt bad for my guests if we hadn't had alcohol at our wedding.
So then why on earth did you choose to have alcohol if it doesn't matter to you and you didn't care if your guests were given alcohol?
Because I'm a pushover and the grief we were getting from my side of the family was worse than the grief from his side of the family. We budgeted for it because it wasn't worth anymore family drama than we already had. My sister, aunt and 2 great aunts were already not coming because of some of our decisions. I wanted some of my family there and this was how i had to do it. They also paid for half of it when we said we weren't going to have any.
Honestly I don't know. I was trying to make as little drama out of the situation as possible and by letting my grandma help buy the wine and beer it made things easier on me and I wasn't as stressed out by it. My family had issues with our wedding and didn't like that we weren't doing what they wanted by having the wedding in eastern Washington on a winery and letting them take care of the whole thing. Because we had the wedding here and were doing things the way we wanted, it caused so much unnecessary drama and panic for me that this was the only solution we could figure out at the time.. I didn't know anyone who bartended and all the services I looked at were going to be way more than just the wine and beer because of the travel distance to get to the Kitsap Peninsula.
While no one would say it to the bride or groom's face, if you don't offer alcohol at your wedding in some form (either hosted or un-hosted), you're going to make it so that some people who attend don't have as much/any fun.
That goes back to me saying that if a person won't attend an event without alcohol and won't have much/any fun without it, then that person has bigger issues that what's happening at that wedding.
That goes back to me saying that if a person won't attend an event without alcohol and won't have much/any fun without it, then that person has bigger issues that what's happening at that wedding.
We all know you think we're alcoholics. We disagree. There's no bigger issue, even if you want there to be one. Dry parties are simply not as much fun.
Post by georgeharrison on Aug 13, 2012 10:55:56 GMT -5
We had no bar. This went along with our values (we just drink wine on rare occasions -like our anniversary and James will have a couple beers a year) and our crowd. Our reception was just dinner, cake cutting, and some toasts. We had around 50 people and if we had a bar, there would have been maybe a half dozen people that would have used it. We did offer plenty of water, soda, coffee, and punch. There was a bar at our facility (we used the banquet rooms at Anthony's at Shilshole), so if anyone wanted a drink, they could have gone down to the restaurant bar, I guess. Our reception wasn't long, and we didn't care that people left after we cut the cake (right after dinner), that was expected.
My opinion of a bar is there are so many elements that would determine if there should be a bar and what kind it should be. There are cultural difference and just the different feel of each reception and the crowd differences, and of course budget differences. I think if you know the bride and groom well enough, you'd know what kind of reception you were going to before you get there. But, we only invited people we really knew and were close with, so maybe when you get into the bigger weddings, it's a lot different.
That goes back to me saying that if a person won't attend an event without alcohol and won't have much/any fun without it, then that person has bigger issues that what's happening at that wedding.
We all know you think we're alcoholics. We disagree. There's no bigger issue, even if you want there to be one. Dry parties are simply not as much fun.
I don't think you're all alcoholics. But you know, denial is a sign....
1) i'm really surprised there was so much controversy here. i posted this from the wedding thinking i'd get plenty of people agreeing with me. i was wrong! oh well.
2) who linked this somewhere? there's no way we could get that many "views" on it's own somebody, lurkers, fess up! where'd you click on this from?
3) i don't think of alcohol at a wedding as an "option". it is as part of a wedding as flowers are. i am definitely not an alcoholic, i've had less than 10 single servings in the last year. i just think they are *part* of a wedding, and you shouldn't have a wedding without it. budget for it. if you're inviting me to a big event, don't ask me to chip in.....but. worst case scenario.....don't have a dry wedding. exceptions for: recovering alcoholics, religious/moral reasons, or tuesday afternoon weddings.
4) no, i would never btch to the b&g about it (and i hope nobody ever really does this), but as guests, we all talked about how tacky it was because this was a powerhouse couple that makes 250k+ a year, it was a decent venue, the food was amazing....but no booze? their guestlist was only roughly 130. not a big wedding, and no, it wasn't indicated anywhere on their invite (i guess this is what people want? i think that's weird...but to each their own), but their registry was!
1) 3) i don't think of alcohol at a wedding as an "option". it is as part of a wedding as flowers are.
Say whaaaa?? They provide you with some type of food (with plates and utensils) and some type of beverage (with cups or glasses) and somewhere to sit. They don't have to have flowers, fancy linens, alcohol, a bridal gown, tuxedoes (sp)?, chair covers, dancing, or even a cake if they don't want to have that. How did our society turn weddings around into a "must have" list? How did being a host/hostess turn into a "must have" list that goes beyond the true necessities of being a host/hostess? And now they have to tell you what won't be there just in case you won't be happy?