Post by redredwine on Apr 13, 2015 13:47:58 GMT -5
H and I had a pretty serious talk last week about having a kid. (long story short, we've been married 6 months, this is our second marriage, he's 36, I'll be 34 this year, no kids from previous marriages) We've talked about having kids (which is now just one kid) but it's always off in the future. Well, I'm no spring chicken and am a planner-I just want to know one way or the other BUT the further away I get form having children, the more I get on the fence of whether or not I want a child. H could go either way but I know would be perfectly fine with no kids. Ultimately, it's up to me as he wouldn't deny me of having a kid, but the fact that he's indifferent doesn't help. 2 of our closest couple friends (and his BFF) are child free by choice, so he's like "well, they're happy without kids! we will be too!" because most of the parents we know are so stressed out, want to escape their children, talk about how hard it is, etc. That doesn't help.
I always saw myself as having kids. I love kids (well, I love hanging with them and then giving them back at the end of the day), have been around them a ton, LOVE babies...but I haven't had them yet for a reason. I know how much work (and $) they are. I've grown to LOVE my life now. It wasn't in the original plan to be divorced, then remarried and now debating kids at almost 34, but I'm so happy with where it is. I'm scared to ruin that or make the wrong decision with kids either way. There's a variety of "cons" on my mental pro/cons list from everything to demanding jobs, lack of local family support, loving our relationship, etc. I also feel SOMUCHPRESSURE to have kids, like, maybe that's part of why I feel I want them. Family, friends, coworkers...every time it's the "when are you guys having kids?!" especially from my parents. STOP ASKING ME!!!!
Even if we do decide to have a child, we're AT LEAST a year out from even trying. Financially we're not in a place to have kids-technically we COULD but we'd have no savings and such. I want to continue living a comfortable life (we're not rich by any means, but we live fairly comfortably but on a tight budget/savings budget)
I'm just so confused and it's the biggest decision I will ever make...I don't want to screw it up
If you OR your H were on the fence about having kids, how did you decide, one way or the other? just looking for others perspective or stories.
Update!
Thought I'd post a "where we're at" since it ended up being a conversation so many of us were/are having:
Well, H ended up going to a few counseling sessions because he had a ton going on with his family and the baby conversation was stressing him out, too. While counseling didn't solve it, it did help us have some good conversations and talk about it with others, too. While I could see benefits of going either way, I lean more towards "yes" to kids as I just see my older self with kids. He's still been on the fence, but the past few weeks saying that "he knows we'll probably down down the kid route".
We just got back from a long long road trip, so we listened to 2 audio books : Rachel Dratch's "Girl Walks into a Bar" and Jim Gaffigan's "Dad is Fat". Both were great (Rachel's is actually a little depressing, but funny). He told me at the end of the trip (last night) that "you know, as of this moment, I think I can get on board with having a baby. Actually, listening to those two books helped for some crazy reason" (NOT the reason why we listened to those books, mind you). Now, we could both change our mind, but I'd say it's good progress for both of us.
We're still in agreement that no babies for at least a year, or at least until one of us gets a good promotion at work.
Post by simpsongal on Apr 13, 2015 14:11:07 GMT -5
You might get more responses on MMM. We were not on the fence about having kids.
I have chatted with my coworkers about having kids recently (they don't have kids). It's so easy to calculate and see the cons. On paper, it's like all cons. How can I say goodbye to my body, free time, disposable income, etc.? It's an absolute leap of faith to assume the intangible pros will be worth it. They are for us. It's all consuming but it's amazing.
Having just one kid and setting up some resources (e.g., family, daycare, babysitters) can really help.
FWIW, there have been some anonymous polls on the boards asking people if they regretted the decision. I think like 2 people out of a thousand said yes.
Post by pantsparty on Apr 13, 2015 14:16:47 GMT -5
This is a really tough and personal decision. H and I are childfree, and with him having a vasectomy and being 10 years older than me, it will stay that way. LOL.
I am really happy with our life together. I can't imagine taking care of a baby - I view it as a life disruption, which to me is a big old sign from the universe that I shouldn't be having kids!
Even so, it's an odd choice, socially speaking, so sometimes even I feel doubt or feel the pressure. But when I stop and think about it, it doesn't feel like anything is missing from our life. I also read an article recently where someone said they can't make decisions based on things they MIGHT regret, which really resonated with me.
It's a hard thing to contemplate because you and your H are different than me and my H. But I always like to weigh in on these discussions since being decidedly childfree is a little more rare than deciding to have kids
You might get more responses on MMM. We were not on the fence about having kids.
I have chatted with my coworkers about having kids recently (they don't have kids). It's so easy to calculate and see the cons. On paper, it's like all cons. How can I say goodbye to my body, free time, disposable income, etc.? It's an absolute leap of faith to assume the intangible pros will be worth it. They are for us. It's all consuming but it's amazing.
Having just one kid and setting up some resources (e.g., family, daycare, babysitters) can really help.
FWIW, there have been some anonymous polls on the boards asking people if they regretted the decision. I think like 2 people out of a thousand said yes.
Well, I feel that since it's MM Mom's they're all of the "we had kids" camp. I know there are some Child free folks on other boards, which is why I asked here...
And I know that even out of my friends with kids who are worn out, exhausted, etc, no one regrets them. I just don't want my H or I to be those 2 people out of 1000.
Post by irene adler on Apr 13, 2015 14:20:16 GMT -5
This is a hard question. We still haven't decided.
We will be at peace either way, but we have made the decision that I am not going to go back to BC nor are we going to seek medical intervention (which we would likely need because I have been off the pill for an embarrassing amount of time with no luck.)
Our circumstances have changed pretty dramatically in the last 2 years, so take that fwiw.
Hubs and I pulled the goalie for about 2 years. Neither one of us was passionate enough to pursue medical intervention, and I am turning 35 this year and my husband is turning 43. We were talking about it one day and he said, "I will do it if you want to, but I will be really old when he or she graduates from high school."
We are very blessed that we have a wonderful son from my husband's first marriage, and that helped sway my decision as well - I have been in his life since he was 3, and he's almost 10. We have a very flexible 50/50 custody arrangement which works well for us and his mother.
I just think it is something you really, really have to want in order to make the leap. For me, the burning desire just wasn't there and when it didn't happen on its own, that was enough for me.
I'm in a similar boat as you, OP. I really don't think I would regret it if I did have a child but I am just not sure if I want to. And time is ticking away (I'll also be 34 this year).
We got married with the assumption that we'd have a family together within a few years. We just hit our fifth anniversary and we're as ready as we'll ever be to actually pull the trigger.
It was a lot easier to make assumptions a few years ago because it was always a "someday" thing. It became more real when we bought our house and thought about where we'd put a kid or two. It also became VERY real when our close friends had their first baby and we started spending a lot of time with him and babysitting him. They had a second almost right away so now we have two close kids in our life. I love watching MH interact with them and I would love to help him be a dad.
I used to think that I liked all kids, and then as I interacted more with them (summer camp counselor, substitute teacher, visiting friends who don't discipline their kids and therefore the kids are huge brats) I realized that I really don't like kids as a rule so maybe I shouldn't have any. But my close friend with the two small kids mentioned above recently said, "I don't really like kids. I like MY kids, but I don't like kids as a whole." That stuck with me ... you don't have to adore children in order to be a loving, effective parent.
We've discussed being child-free by choice. There have been days when we considered it very seriously. But those were usually discussions that happened after we spent time with our other friends' bratty kids or when we spent a lot of money on a home improvement. We've considered how nice it might be to have fewer obligations, more spending money, not having to worrying about taking care of another human being or two, and just focusing our efforts on being a nice "aunt and uncle" to our friends' kids and eventually to my younger siblings' kids (I can see my sister being CFBC, but I bet my brother would like a family at some point; MH is an only child).
But the CFBC discussions have been heavily outnumbered by the discussions about which rooms in our house could be used as a nursery, or what we could name a kid, or what discipline tactics we'd like to use. The "our eventual kid(s)" discussions flow a lot more naturally than the "we shouldn't have any kids" discussions.
I think it comes down to the fact that we like our time together, we like doing new things and seeing new places, and ultimately we'd like to share those experiences with someone.
That being said ... if we have trouble conceiving on our own, we're not too sure about how far we'd like to pursue alternate methods (medical help, adoption, fostering, etc.). Right now we're heavily leaning toward being a child-free couple rather than taking additional measures to have children, should we run into difficulties.
Come on over and ask that on BNOTB. Many of us were in your shoes!
Der! Forgot that was even a board (sorry...I tend to stick to MM and SO)
Thanks everyone...what you're saying resonates with the thoughts I've had (yes, I want them! No,I don't!) I know we'll be happy either way, but I do love reading everyone's thought process.
H and I are childfree by choice and will remain that way (I'm 42, H is 48). Children were never something we felt strongly about and we do feel strongly about other things (travel, early retirement, sleep - lol) that would be much more challenging with kids.
Truth be told, I like being responsible for just me. The older I got the more I realized that - I don't even want a pet. I like doing what I want, when I want.
As previous poster said though, this is so personal. My situation (and wants) is not like anyone else's. My advice is just keep the lines of communication with your H and it's ok either way you go. Embrace it whole heartedly regardless of what you decide.
I've been unsure for awhile, and even now I wouldn't say I'm 100% sure I will not have a kid. I think about it like this... I'm a fairly driven and motivated person when there's something I want, even if there's hard work or negative aspects about what it is I want. I have a lot of evidence behind that. But if it's something I'm not sure about or don't really want, I don't bother as much. Kids definitely fall into that category. I'm just not willing to go through the effort for something I'm super on the fence about. I know myself well enough to know that if I really wanted it, I wouldn't be so ambivalent. I would make the sacrifices. But I just don't care that much, and that's not a nice environment to bring a kid into.
I also love the idea that by not having kids, I get to be part of the auntie brigade (there's an article about this somewhere I read awhile back?). I put time and energy into my community and my family and friend's children that I would not be able to if I had kids of my own. I think it's a valuable role.
You might get more responses on MMM. We were not on the fence about having kids.
I have chatted with my coworkers about having kids recently (they don't have kids). It's so easy to calculate and see the cons. On paper, it's like all cons. How can I say goodbye to my body, free time, disposable income, etc.? It's an absolute leap of faith to assume the intangible pros will be worth it. They are for us. It's all consuming but it's amazing.
Having just one kid and setting up some resources (e.g., family, daycare, babysitters) can really help.
FWIW, there have been some anonymous polls on the boards asking people if they regretted the decision. I think like 2 people out of a thousand said yes.
Well, I feel that since it's MM Mom's they're all of the "we had kids" camp. I know there are some Child free folks on other boards, which is why I asked here...
And I know that even out of my friends with kids who are worn out, exhausted, etc, no one regrets them. I just don't want my H or I to be those 2 people out of 1000.
I am pretty sure I am going to remain child free. I'm not married, but dating someone I hope to marry and he doesn't want kids either. We're both almost 33 and I kind of assume that if I was going to get the "baby rabies", it probably would have hit me by now. I haven't felt my biological clock tick at all.
If I'm being completely open (PDQ), I think an eye opening moment for me was when I got pregnant accidentally and all I wanted was to NOT be pregnant. I think my feelings about that whole situation really made me realize that I'm not emotionally inclined toward motherhood. I have a feeling if I had a kid I'd love it and take great care of it, but I don't feel any regret about not currently being a parent and I feel no envy toward my sister or others who have young kids. If anything, I feel glad NOT to be them. Even though I see their happiness, I just don't feel like it's my path.
I don't think I ever wanted kids much growing up - I played with stuffed animals instead of baby dolls and liked to play school or doctor instead of playing house ("house" being playing like you're a SAHM - which my mom was so that was what we called playing with baby dolls/running a family). When I got older and was thinking about marriage, house buying, etc, it seemed like kids was an inevitable part of "someday" but the actual day to do it never came, and now that I'm nearing my mid-30's I feel like I can't put someday off into the distant future anymore, so I think it's probably "never". Like, maybe someday I will change my mind. I don't want to close any doors yet. But unless that happens, I'm going to remain childless.
Honestly, sometimes that makes me feel like I'm broken. I hate that my parents, while they have never pressured me to have kids, have made it pretty clear that their grandkid (s) are their priority and if I don't have any grandkids, they are never going to be a part of my life in the way they are in my sister's life. That's kind of sad to me. There is a big wall between my sister - who is currently wrapped up in her joy of being a young mom - and myself, who can't identify with her life at all right now. Maybe that gap will close someday (I hope so). I don't like how being childless sets me apart from some people, but I can't take on child rearing for that reason either. So... it is what it is. Most of the time I feel pretty confident in my choice, and when I don't it's because of external stuff like that, not because of any desire to actually parent.
Sorry. I was never unsure. Wanted 'em from the get-go. (Just so you have a response. Even if it is a sucky one.)
This is the response I got from most of my friends when I asked this question. It was completely unhelpful (no offense sxia).
I was on the fence for a long time, well, sort of. H and I always talked about having kids "someday". We both said we wanted them, we love our friends kids and love our nieces and nephews. But, knowing so many people with kids, we also knew how hard it was so it was really hard to pull the trigger and go for it. I started thinking about it more seriously in my early 30s and we'd talk about it and I just wasn't ready, so I'd say "maybe next year", year after year. When I turned 34/35, I realized if I really wanted kids, I kind of needed to make a decision. H and I talked about it a lot and the upshot was: we were both scared, but we both pictured our lives with kids in it eventually. So we decided to just go for it. It was a very logical decision: I never felt "baby fever" or any kind of "need" to have kids. I just decided that I wanted them. Well that's not even true, I decided that we should "start trying and see what happens". Well life is funny and we got pregnant on the first try. I was SO freaked out when I found out, and even worried I made a huge mistake. I was still scared shitless. Well, now I'm due next month with our first baby and we're both SUPER excited! It took a while to get used to the idea and I know it will be hard and I'm still scared, but the fact is that we decided that we wanted kids in our lives and we realized we just had to go for it at some point.
Im not sure if this is helpful to you or not, but I know it just drove me crazy that most of my friends said they just "knew" they wanted kids or "they always wanted them" or "you'll know when you're ready". That wasn't true for me. I think we could have been happy without kids too. So it was really about making a conscious decision and just going for it.
I wish you luck. I know I struggled with the decision for a long time. Let me know if there is anything else you want to know!
ETA: We were lucky in that we got pg right away. If we had trouble, i'm not sure if we would have pursued IF treatments. I'm thinking maybe not, but I also think that having issues getting pg would have brought out more emotions around how much I *really* wanted kids.
That was super helpful-you sound just like me (well, except for the pregnant part!) I'm a chronic overthinker and know that even if we do go for it, I'll still be scared shitless.
Congrats! I'm so happy for you and that's actually reassuring to read.
It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. I feel like everyone in my life just expects me to want kids so this would be weird for them to know my thoughts have changed.
Post by crashgizmo on Apr 13, 2015 14:59:45 GMT -5
I can speak to this SO much- redredwine, our circumstances were very similar to yours. DH and I had both been married before, no kids, when we got married I was 30 and H was 38. I had never had the urge to have children, but I hadn't ruled it out, either. For the first year DH and I talked about possibly having a child but it was always very abstract and a maybe someday way. When DH turned 40, he said that we should probably think about a timeline if we were going to do it.
That weekend, my mom came to visit and I brought up the subject with her. She and I are very similar people, and my mom was never the maternal type. When I told her I just didn't feel the "urge" or the need to have children, she blurted out "Then don't. I love you, but kids are hard and if you don't really want it, it's even harder. I wouldn't trade you for the world, but in my day having kids was just what you did. I can't say I would make the same choice today." Now, I'm not saying that changed my mind, but it got me thinking about life without kids.
I brought up the subject with DH about taking kids off the table and I could tell he was relieved. He would never sway my decision and was willing to go either way, but I think deep down he didn't want them. We decided to take a year with the mentality of not having them and see if we felt regrets. To be honest, as soon as we had that talk, the sense of relief that I felt was overwhelming. I realized that a lot of my thinking around children was because I was "supposed to" or that it was what was expected somehow.
That was almost 4 years ago and I have NEVER regretted my decision. Our lives are very different than our friends with children's lives, but we love it. We have the financial freedom to do things we couldn't with children. Our plans for retirement look different. DH has always said that life isn't better or worse than if we had children, it's just different. I think that's the best way I can describe it.
Post by redredwine on Apr 13, 2015 15:03:20 GMT -5
@buckybells-thank you for sharing that!
It's crazy how the external factors factor in.I feel like I'll alienate myself if I don't have kids if that makes sense. I hate the "you're not a parent, you'll never understand" thing I get from some people. I know you from your posts but you sound really happy with where you are in life and that's what matters most.
We're still on the fence, at roughly the same ages as you and your DH. I'm not sure how we are going to decide definitively one way or the other, honestly. Unless we just continue to put off the decision and we literally run out of time. So, probably don't take my lead on it.
I stopped taking birth control 7 years ago. We thought a baby would follow but it hasn't. We decided against using any sort of treatment. It really wasn't a big discussion. Neither of us have a deep burning desire to have a baby, yet we also don't like the idea of being childfree for life. We'll be happy either way. I guess my ovaries decided for us. We've always had a "if it happens, yay, if it doesn't, yay" mentality. We figured we'd let nature decide for us and nature shut us down.
We've often thought about foster/adopt for older kids. We're not there yet though.
I'll probably be the infertile woman who somehow gets knocked up when she's 43 or something. lol
Post by fortnightlily on Apr 13, 2015 15:09:11 GMT -5
I was very much on the fence. I always pictured myself with children, but it was sort of a 'default' stance. I was waiting for an actual biological or emotional urge but it didn't seem like it was ever going to come. I had almost no experience with kids/babies/pregnancy. The prospect of it all was kind of terrifying, actually. DH wanted them in that he never pictured himself without them, was always close to his nieces and nephews, but never got to the point where he was pressuring me, and was also still kind of timid to pull the trigger.
Since DH is twelve years older than me, and I was 30/31, we got to that point where it was like "well, we're not getting any younger". I think I would've been fine never having kids, but I could also see myself being sad about it as I got older.
Our first attempt resulted in a chemical pregnancy, and I was a bit surprised how upset I was at the thought of "well, what if it turns out we have major difficulty, I may be really uncertain but I don't want my options closed off." 2nd attempt resulted in DS, who is now 18 months.
I love him and am glad to have him, but honestly, I agonize quite a bit now if I want more kids and I'm 98% sure the answer is no, with the requisite guilt about him never having any siblings. I still lack any biological desire, and I just don't think I have the energy level and personality to cope well with even more sacrifice of my body/sleep/me-time/ambition without it affecting my ability to be a good wife and mother. And DS is an easy kid and DH is an awesome father and partner.
So, I think the fact that you love kids is a really good first step I'd try to really figure out what you'd regret more.
I thought I would have kids at some point, but after 6+ years of marriage, never felt the urge.
I don't love kids or babies. As the baby of the family, I never babysat or anything. We also have demanding jobs and no local family.
But when I look forward 20 years, I see myself having a family with kids. That meant that we needed to stop putting it off and just do it already.
I think this had something to do with it for me too. I was the baby of my family too. I never baby sat or really had much experience with kids. So I think I missed that experience as a kid and it didn't imprint on me as much.
One thing that definitely had me leaning towards kids was when my niece was born. My sister and I are pretty close, it was her first child. I was in the hospital when she was born and I spend a lot of time with her (and now her younger brother). Holding her as a baby definitely would give me the flutters and the "I want one!" feelings, but they would pass pretty quickly and then I'd see how hard they were. So giving in to the idea of completely changing my relatively easy life was hard.
But much like you, what clinched it for me was thinking long term about the future. I just didn't see H and I growing old just the 2 of us. So I guess in the end I was more scared of not having children and regretting it than I was of just going for it.
We are child-free by choice. H and I have been together since we were 18 and married at married at 24. Early on in our relationship, we both expressed a want for children but weren't on the same page when we actually wanted to try. It be like at one moment, H was ready to try but I wasn't. Then I was ready and H wasn't.
As we got older and went through financial instability (loss of job, etc), we'd put the kids idea on the back burner to where it just kind of fizzled out. I guess my biological clock stopped ticking?
H had always said that he wanted to have kids by 30 if we did it. 30 came and went.
We had practically raised little BIL and little SIL (both now 18 and over). I feel like we get enough kids/baby fix through our nieces and nephews.
If we had an accident, it wouldn't be a horrible thing. But we have gotten comfortable not having that added expense/stress that children can be.
Post by hokiegirl82 on Apr 13, 2015 15:39:48 GMT -5
For most of my life, I never saw myself ever having kids, and in my 20s I really disliked children and was ready to live a child-free live. H was ok either having or not having a kid, so I thought we would be DINKs for the rest of our lives. But, in my late 20, as my friends starting having babies and I was around more women at work who had children, I started to change my mind a tiny bit, but still really enjoyed the life I had built with H - we had 2 dogs we loved, traveled all over the world, went out to great restaurants, etc. Then, one day I had a conversation with my boss about having kids - we were close and could talk about personal things. He was in his 50s, had been married for 15 years and had a stepdaughter that he had helped raise for those 15 years of marriage, and he treated her as if she were his own biological daughter. He said to me "the only thing I will ever regret is not having a child with my wife." Hearing him say that got me thinking - would I regret never having a kid?
After thinking about it for a long time, I decided to go for it, and H was on board. We had to put it off for another year, and it took us 7 months to conceive when we starting TTC. When I got pregnant, I was scared about this new change, but I was excited. The day I gave birth, I had almost a nervous sleep deprived breakdown in the post-delivery room, crying to H "what if I've ruined our lives by wanting a kid?" This was all anxiety, depression, and sleep deprivation breaking me down - I got on Paxil right away, and once my hormones calmed down and we were home with our son, I was (although so tired) so happy to have him in our arms.
DS is now 10 months old, I have been a SAHM since he was 5 months old (which I NEVER thought I would want) and I couldn't imagine my life without him. Yes, it has been very hard at times, and I do mourn our old life sometimes, but being a mom has been pretty awesome to this point, and I love love love seeing H as a dad. We will probably only have one child, so I hope we can get back to the traveling we loved in a few years. I can say I'm extremely glad we had a kid, but I don't see anything negative about making the choice to stay child-free.
I don't know how it happened. For most of my previous marriage we were both unsure. It was mostly driven by the fact that we were both career oriented and loved our lives. I'd say about a year before we separated is when I started slowly thinking I might want kids. Then, about 6 months post separation it was like I just woke up one morning and was like yep, kids would be a great addition to my life. When I started dating again, being with someone who also definitely wanted kids was important to me.
In most of my general big life decisions I've pretty much just followed my heart and having kids has fallen in to that viewpoint.