Post by sunshineluv on Apr 13, 2015 15:53:20 GMT -5
I think the logistics of whether or not you have kids will always put you on the childfree side. They are expensive, time consuming, and unpredictable. It's the intangibles that make parenthood so worth it. (Similar to getting a pet).
If this were any other decision, I would say something like, you can be sure you won't regret having a kid, but you may regret not having a kid, so go for it. But this is too big of a decision to look at it so lightly.
I wish you the best, and I hope you can come to a decision that you are secure in, whichever decision that may be.
"2 of our closest couple friends (and his BFF) are child free by choice, so he's like "well, they're happy without kids! we will be too!" because most of the parents we know are so stressed out, want to escape their children, talk about how hard it is, etc. That doesn't help. "
I'm sure it doesn't help but fwiw, just know that it's also probably not a fully accurate representation of how they really feel. In that snapshot, yes. Parenting is hard work and your friends need an outlet to vent to on occasion. But there are lots of positives to the job that people are shy to talk about because it's so hard to do without sounding completely mushy and cliched and uncool
There have been threads in the past on MMM where people have posted about the best parts of having children if you want to do a search.
I know there are plenty of positives all of my friends/coworkers share. a PP made the reference to a pet and that's what I can relate it to. My XH was dying for a dog (and a kid, I gave it at a dog) and I wasn't fully on board, but dealt with it. It took 2 years to REALLY bond with said dog and now she's my world and I just can't imagine life without her, OR my now husband's dog, even though he's special needs dog (and that's another point of contention-we don't know how well that dog would do with a kid and we don't want to rehome him)
I just hear the BAD stuff and it's like "ugh, that sounds awful. Is it worth it" and I know all of them say "yes!" I did joke that every work trip I go on all I ever hear about is how hard it is to be a parents (especially of multiple children) and being pregnant sucks. THE ENTIRE TRIP! (I actually don't get scared at the thought of being pregnant, it's just the what it does to my body AFTER I don't want to experience and can do without)
At my last work trip, where we were having the kid discussion among coworkers and I said I'm on the fence, my director did say "all I can tell you is that if you have a bad relationship, it makes it worse. If you have a strong relationship, it totally helps". Luckily, we have a very strong relationship.
While this discussion doesn't make it any easier to decide, I really appreciate learning everyone's thoughts and that I'm not alone. The only things I'm like "Yes, this is why I want kids" are:
I want a kid to like, help take care of us when we are old. I think kids make holidays more meaningful. Like, I worked on Easter and it was like any other day to us. I want more than that on holidays-I love holidays. I want grandkids someday ("part time" kids. As in, I like kids...when they're not my own full time.) I want my parents to have more grandkids-they are the BEST grandparents and are dying for more kids to spoil.
(eta: basically I want a kid for future things and selfish reasons. I just don't want to deal with them from like age 6 months to 18 or so)
As weird and mundane as those things are, they're like the only reasons that I'm like "yah, kids would be cool for that". I don't know if it's enough reason to get on the baby train, so we'll just see where it takes us and continue to communicate about it.
Post by RoxMonster on Apr 13, 2015 17:57:26 GMT -5
I would say we were both on the fence a little when we first got married. Prior to that, I think I had always just assumed I'd have kids because, well, that's what everyone did around me. Got married, had children. Then we got married, and neither of us was really too sure about having them. At first it was "Well, we'll revisit in X amount of years" etc.
For the past three years we've been childfree by choice. I don't know the exact moment we decided, but we were just talking about it at one point in time and said "We don't HAVE to have kids" and felt an immense amount of relief. Like, maybe we thought along we were going to have kids because we felt we "had" to, but never really wanted them?
I've posted on the boards several times about this before, because it is a huge decision to make. I think there are obviously pros and cons to each lifestyle and either way, you'll miss out on things as well as have amazing opportunities you wouldn't have had if you had chosen the other lifestyle. I don't think one is better than the other.
What helped me was running through my list of questions/concerns and actually answering them, not just stressing over them.
For instance: Will I miss having kids in my life? A: Well, I'm a teacher now, so I'm around them a lot. But even if I get a different job, most of our friends have kids, my BIL and his FI have said they 100% want to have a big family with lots of kids, so I know I will always have children around, even if they aren't my own. As well as several other questions we discussed/answered together.
I just don't have the desire to have a child. I think my H would make an awesome dad, and I think I could make myself be a good mom, but we just don't WANT to. And that is, frankly, enough.
Sorry. I was never unsure. Wanted 'em from the get-go. (Just so you have a response. Even if it is a sucky one.)
This is the response I got from most of my friends when I asked this question.  It was completely unhelpful (no offense sxia).
I was on the fence for a long time, well, sort of. Â H and I always talked about having kids "someday". Â We both said we wanted them, we love our friends kids and love our nieces and nephews. Â But, knowing so many people with kids, we also knew how hard it was so it was really hard to pull the trigger and go for it. Â I started thinking about it more seriously in my early 30s and we'd talk about it and I just wasn't ready, so I'd say "maybe next year", year after year. Â When I turned 34/35, I realized if I really wanted kids, I kind of needed to make a decision. Â H and I talked about it a lot and the upshot was: Â we were both scared, but we both pictured our lives with kids in it eventually. Â So we decided to just go for it. Â It was a very logical decision: Â I never felt "baby fever" or any kind of "need" to have kids. Â I just decided that I wanted them. Â Well that's not even true, I decided that we should "start trying and see what happens". Â Well life is funny and we got pregnant on the first try. Â I was SO freaked out when I found out, and even worried I made a huge mistake. Â I was still scared shitless. Â Well, now I'm due next month with our first baby and we're both SUPER excited! Â It took a while to get used to the idea and I know it will be hard and I'm still scared, but the fact is that we decided that we wanted kids in our lives and we realized we just had to go for it at some point. Â
Im not sure if this is helpful to you or not, but I know it just drove me crazy that most of my friends said they just "knew" they wanted kids or "they always wanted them" or "you'll know when you're ready". Â That wasn't true for me. Â I think we could have been happy without kids too. Â So it was really about making a conscious decision and just going for it. Â
I wish you luck. I know I struggled with the decision for a long time. Â Let me know if there is anything else you want to know!
ETA: Â We were lucky in that we got pg right away. Â If we had trouble, i'm not sure if we would have pursued IF treatments. Â I'm thinking maybe not, but I also think that having issues getting pg would have brought out more emotions around how much I *really* wanted kids.
Ditto all of this, (how are we leading the same life?) except that i had our son this past september and he is the light of our lives. The last 7 months have been crazy different, but still full of excitement and love. He was a difficult newborn. ...so we have both agreed that he will be a "limited edition" but the cliche is true--ds has added love and joy to our lives that was unimaginable. We celebrated our 9 year anniversary last year, i was 35 when i had ds, so we definitely werent eager beavers to add to our family beyond the cats. Good luck with your decision.
I was ambivalent about it until I turned 29. Then it was a driving need in my heart. I feel very, very lucky that we got pregnant so quickly. My heart would be so much smaller without DD in my life.
"2 of our closest couple friends (and his BFF) are child free by choice, so he's like "well, they're happy without kids! we will be too!" because most of the parents we know are so stressed out, want to escape their children, talk about how hard it is, etc. That doesn't help. "
I'm sure it doesn't help but fwiw, just know that it's also probably not a fully accurate representation of how they really feel. In that snapshot, yes. Parenting is hard work and your friends need an outlet to vent to on occasion. But there are lots of positives to the job that people are shy to talk about because it's so hard to do without sounding completely mushy and cliched and uncool
There have been threads in the past on MMM where people have posted about the best parts of having children if you want to do a search.
I know there are plenty of positives all of my friends/coworkers share. a PP made the reference to a pet and that's what I can relate it to. My XH was dying for a dog (and a kid, I gave it at a dog) and I wasn't fully on board, but dealt with it. It took 2 years to REALLY bond with said dog and now she's my world and I just can't imagine life without her, OR my now husband's dog, even though he's special needs dog (and that's another point of contention-we don't know how well that dog would do with a kid and we don't want to rehome him)
I just hear the BAD stuff and it's like "ugh, that sounds awful. Is it worth it" and I know all of them say "yes!" I did joke that every work trip I go on all I ever hear about is how hard it is to be a parents (especially of multiple children) and being pregnant sucks. THE ENTIRE TRIP! (I actually don't get scared at the thought of being pregnant, it's just the what it does to my body AFTER I don't want to experience and can do without)
At my last work trip, where we were having the kid discussion among coworkers and I said I'm on the fence, my director did say "all I can tell you is that if you have a bad relationship, it makes it worse. If you have a strong relationship, it totally helps". Luckily, we have a very strong relationship.
While this discussion doesn't make it any easier to decide, I really appreciate learning everyone's thoughts and that I'm not alone. The only things I'm like "Yes, this is why I want kids" are:
I want a kid to like, help take care of us when we are old. I think kids make holidays more meaningful. Like, I worked on Easter and it was like any other day to us. I want more than that on holidays-I love holidays. I want grandkids someday ("part time" kids. As in, I like kids...when they're not my own full time.) I want my parents to have more grandkids-they are the BEST grandparents and are dying for more kids to spoil.
(eta: basically I want a kid for future things and selfish reasons. I just don't want to deal with them from like age 6 months to 18 or so)
As weird and mundane as those things are, they're like the only reasons that I'm like "yah, kids would be cool for that". I don't know if it's enough reason to get on the baby train, so we'll just see where it takes us and continue to communicate about it.
I wanted to address some of the bolded things because those are many of the questions I alluded to in my OP that H and I discussed when we decided to be child-free. Please note, I am NOT trying to sway you to be CFBC or anything; just giving my perspective on these reasons.
Having kids to love you and take care of you when you are old: It's not a given. I don't mean this in an offensive way at all, but I think this is not a good reason to have a child. I think it's unfair to put that on a child, and there are many circumstances where, for whatever reason, kids are not around or willing to take care of their parents. Now, H and I gladly will because we WANT to, but I don't think that should be a reason to reproduce in the first place. And if you don't have kids when you are older, you still have other family that might be around, plus I hope to continue the friendships I have today and surround myself with lots of friends and like-minded individuals. I'm really not concerned about being lonely.
The holidays being more meaningful: Sure, I do think kids make holidays special in a totally different way. I'm sure it's so cool to see the magic of Christmas through a child's eyes and that's something I won't ever experience. BUT my holidays are definitely still fun and meaningful. This past Christmas was my favorite one I have had so far. It was just H and me (and our dog). We slept in, did gifts, took the dog for a long walk, went for a hike since the weather was beautiful, went out for a huge buffet dinner and gambled at the casino. Maybe not your traditional or typical Christmas, but it was 100% perfect for us. I got to spend the day with my family and it was meaningful to me, even without children.
The grandparent issue: This is a big one for me. It honestly has been an emotional part in our decision-making process. I'm an only child. My parents will never be grandparents because I chose to be CFBC. And trust me, that does weigh on me a lot. I felt an immense amount of guilt at first. But I got some great advice from the ladies on ML when I wrote about that guilt creeping in. No one should be having children just to be a grandparent someday. It isn't fair to put that burden on your kids. I can't live my life for what my mom wants (in regards to this or other things). I have to make the decision that makes me happy.
My parents have a ton of fun spoiling our dog when they watch her, and I think my mom has seriously considered getting involved in a mentoring program or possibly even fostering a child when she retires. I think that's great. Her wanting to have grandchildren is HER desire; I should not live my life solely so she can have that. It isn't fair to me. Thinking that way has helped assuage the guilt and helped me stand firm in my decision.
Again, I hope you are not offended by any of my responses, and I truly am not trying to sway you. Simply playing devil's advocate a little and showing you what it can look like on the other side as well.
Post by gibbinator on Apr 13, 2015 18:49:07 GMT -5
Not having kids was a deal breaker for dh so I had to decide to have them eventually when I agreed to marry him. I don't like children or babies. I still avoid other people's kids. I think what really convinced me was looking into the future when I'm 70+, and wanting to have family. I also figure statistically I'll outlive dh, and having children and grandchildren will make that easier. I love my boys. Life is absolutely different with kids, but it's as rewarding as it is tiring.
When we started trying, it was kind of with an "If it's meant to be it will happen" mindset. And then I got increasingly sad as it didn't work and finally I was like "Eff this if it happens it happens thing. Would I say that if I had diabetes or cancer? No. I would treat it. And I am going to treat this." The massive disappointment each month made me realize how much I really wanted kids in my life.
What made us try to begin with was that it was only the baby stage we were unsure about. We could easily picture ourselves with school-aged kids and as the parents of adult kids.
And now that I am holding my newborn I feel grateful beyond words that we went for it and the treatment worked.
I think what helps me in my child-free decision is that I don't worry about someone taking care of me when I'm old. I personally don't see that as a reason to have kids.
Not everyone will have kids that will take care of them when they're old for various reasons.
I also look at my great aunt who has been a big part of my life and I could picture myself in her childless shoes. She is very content with out children and enjoys being an aunt, great aunt, and even great great aunt.
CFBCer signing in. We married at 33 and 34 and within a couple of months, Mr. P started a demanding job and we moved to a different state. Basically, he was only home MAYBE 6 nights out of the month for our first 8 years of our marriage. We didn't use BC and we didn't pursue any intervention to have a baby. I only used BC before the wedding, so while we would have been happy if we'd had a pregnancy, we didn't actively "try" at all over the years. I don't think either one of us has ever had prolonged "baby fever" although I think we'd have been pretty awesome parents. We get more blips of "what if" and then it passes. We have nieces that we love as if they are our own and we spend a good deal of time with them, so I think that has eased any deep need for a child of our own.
Last year, I had a hysterectomy so that closed the door for a biological child on my part. We've discussed adoption, but honestly we are now looking more seriously towards retirement instead of any child rearing years. Also last year, we were (long distance) caregivers for my FIL after his diagnosis with Alzheimers. Honestly, it killed any further discussion of adoption. While the time just never felt right, I think if we had every really WANTED a child, we would have pursued it. I guess it turned out the way it was supposed to...
Post by redredwine on Apr 13, 2015 19:29:11 GMT -5
@roxmonster and other's who commented on my (dumb) reason for wanting a kid. FWIW-I totally agree that wanting someone to take care of me when I'm old is NOT a reason to have kids. And it's selfish. And our kid could HATE US, something could happen where we're taking care of them, etc. It's like, not a reasonable reason. I realize that. It's just more like a "yah, that would be nice if it worked out that way" kind of thing. It just recently came to light when H's dad lost his wife, who was more like a mom than a step mom to all the kids (he's 1 of 4) and the only people his dad has now are his only people. Like, I was so happy he had his kids by his side the moment his wife suddenly passed away. Also, I love the bond my niece has with my parents...it's so awesome to watch and they'd be awesome grandparents to possible future kid. Ideally, I DO envision my life with my kid and their kid/s when I'm older. Not saying that it's going to happen that way. Even if we have 1 child, whose to say they'd even want kids or could have kids, etc. I'm proof life doesn't work out how it's planned but you make the best with what you've got.
@roxmonster and other's who commented on my (dumb) reason for wanting a kid. FWIW-I totally agree that wanting someone to take care of me when I'm old is NOT a reason to have kids. And it's selfish. And our kid could HATE US, something could happen where we're taking care of them, etc. It's like, not a reasonable reason. I realize that. It's just more like a "yah, that would be nice if it worked out that way" kind of thing. It just recently came to light when H's dad lost his wife, who was more like a mom than a step mom to all the kids (he's 1 of 4) and the only people his dad has now are his only people. Like, I was so happy he had his kids by his side the moment his wife suddenly passed away. Also, I love the bond my niece has with my parents...it's so awesome to watch and they'd be awesome grandparents to possible future kid. Ideally, I DO envision my life with my kid and their kid/s when I'm older. Not saying that it's going to happen that way. Even if we have 1 child, whose to say they'd even want kids or could have kids, etc. I'm proof life doesn't work out how it's planned but you make the best with what you've got.
FWIW, I think valuing having a bigger family/support system, envisioning yourself with kids when you are older, and looking forward to seeing your parents and hypothetical child interact are perfectly valid reasons to have kids. Having a kid just so someone will (potentially) take care of you when you are old is obviously not a good reason (at least standing alone--I think it is fair enough to put it is the column of possible pros). But having a kid because you envision your life with a child in it 10 or 20 years down the road strikes me as a pretty good reason to have a kid. In fact, I would say that wanting to be a parent over the long haul is really a better reason to have a baby than a crazy case of "baby fever" and a desire to buy cute tiny clothes.
DH has never wanted kids. I have always leaned towards no or adoption, so it didn't bother me. I work with kids 18 months - 22 years for my job, mostly in their houses. I have seen families in every stage of crisis and joy, truly. I can say that there are kids in my life that I love and who I will probably keep in touch with forever. And I can honestly say it's enough for me. I come home to DH and our pets and I feel like this is our family and it's perfect as it is.
My dad put so much pressure on me to have kids it got really bad at one point. My mom had to step in and tell him that if he loves her and loves me he will never bring it up ever again. So far he's listened to her and that was a few years ago.
Right before I turned 30 I had a week or two of OMFG I WANT A BABY!!!!1!!1! It was really strong and really weird for me. I started talking to DH about it and figuring out wtf the plan would be. And then <poof> it went away. I was having a lot of work stress at the time and I wonder if part of it was biology but part of it was like, seeking being a SAHM as an escape from work pressure? So when work calmed down, so too did my baby pangs.
Also, our marriage barely survived having puppies, so there's that, too. DH and I were both diagnosed with chronic fatigue as children. I just don't think we could ever have the energy to raise a child well.
Working with kids is a blessing and a curse. When people ask me about kids I'm quick to say nope, not for us. But I find that I have a convenient ability to say that I love kids, I spend all day with kids, and therefore I'm not a fill in the blank of judgments people have about women who choose not to have kids. I feel like I shouldn't have to spend so much time explaining myself and defending my decisions, but there you go.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Apr 13, 2015 20:32:57 GMT -5
Growing up I always wanted kids, but I didn't meet H until I was 30 (and he was 28) and we didn't get married until I was 34.
We had so much fun together and were such a good match, I started thinking maybe I didn't want kids after all. I didn't want to disrupt what we had. We went back and forth a few times and had decided not to have biological kids when I found out I was pregnant at 37.
And it's been amazing. He's 2 years old now and I'm pregnant with our second at 40. It definitely changed things (and not everything for the better - sex is definitely less spontaneous now, for instance, and we are tired a lot.) But I am so glad this happened the way it did. He's such a fun little dude and having him has enriched our lives in ways I didn't expect. And I'm even more in love wih my H as I watch him being an awesome dad to our son.
I think we would have been very happy if we had not had kids, too, but sitting where we are now, I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was on the fence for a few years after we got married and like some others, what tipped the scales in favour of kids was taking a long term view. I thought about Christmas when I'm 70, and I pictured kids and grandkids. I'm an only child and DH has one sibling who we weren't sure would have any kids.
I wasn't so sure about the 0-18 part, but I definitely wanted adult kids and grandkids one day. And while there have been some tough moments and days, overall having a kid has been wonderful and a lot of fun. And now I'm sad that she's growing up so quickly.
H and I got married with the agreement that if one of us really wanted kids at some point that we would go for it. As my parents aged, I couldn't imagine not having kids. Like krystee, I have found that the longer we try, the more I know I really want them. I got pg our first try and miscarried a year ago. I got a bfp this weekend (truly a shock and waiting for blood tests), but I am so excited. I am not an emotional person typically, but my emotions took over here.
Post by petitefrite on Apr 13, 2015 21:34:26 GMT -5
Kids can be tough. And they absolutely are tough on a marriage. But by far the best decision of my life was to have children. I find a satisfaction in being a mother that I have never felt before. Now, If I am out with my girlfriends and you overheard me talking about my kids you would probably attempt to tie your own tubes while listening to me, because there is A LOT of crazy that comes along with kids. But nobody goes to dinner with friends just to talk about the good stuff. And the tough stuff is what makes for good stories.
The nagging question I always had about what the purpose of my own life was has been answered. And the answer was being their mom. It is a decision I have zero regrets about. I feel like my life went from black and white to color when they entered the world.
I would say if you're on the fence, imagine yourself in 30 years. Would you regret never bringing a child into the world?
Post by phunluvin82 on Apr 13, 2015 21:55:55 GMT -5
Wow...so many thoughts in here that I could have written myself.
I'm struggling with this also. DH and I got married under the assumption that we'd eventually want and have kids.
Well, that was almost 4 years ago. I'll be 33 later this year.
Our assumption that we would have kids, plural, slowly turned into, kid, singular. Then we played the 'maybe next year' game for 3 years.
Around that time, I started to feel like it might not be the right choice for us. I liked out carefree lifestyle and had too many things I wanted to do that I felt would be made much more difficult with the addition of kids. I also started to have real concerns that it would have a very negative impact on my marriage...just do to our personalities and dynamic and a lot of other reasons I won't get into.
It was really only 6-7 months ago that we had out first serious conversation about not having kids. We talked briefly about the possibility of fostering and/or adoption if we were to change our minds later on in life. H seemed 100% on board with not having kids, which was a little bit surprising to me...he had put up more of a protest in the past.
Well, since then, H is def 110% on board and will happily tell anyone and/or everyone that we don't plan to have kids. This has caused me to suddenly panic and go back on the fence! I don't know why. I know I don't want one now...and I'm not that young. But suddenly, the thing that I was on board with first (remaining child free) is freaking me out. Basically, I guess I'm worried I'll regret it. I also feel immense pressure from my mom who is dying to be a grandmother. I know that's not a reason to have a kid. But she is so amazing and I would feel pretty heartbroken knowing how heartbroken she would be to not have that (I do have a sister...she does not want kids either...dammit!).
I don't know what will happen. I can just picture myself doing a 180 in 3-4 more years and it being too late for me to get pregnant, or H not being on board, or IDK. Or maybe I will never really feel that desire and will come to peace with that finally in a few more years.
Post by imojoebunny on Apr 13, 2015 22:06:55 GMT -5
I love me some babies... I always planned to have one, with or without my DH. I saved enough to adopt from Asia by 30, if I didn't marry. We dated from 26/32, got married at 33/38 had our first child at 34/40. DH wanted 3 kids when we married, but i wanted 1. We had one, and DH wanted 1 and I wanted 3. We have 2.
I had a number of friends who never had kids, either because they never married, divorced young, or had some issue that caused a problem.
We have parent friends. I have friends who regret having kids (kids are now spongy adults), I have friends that are happy not having kids (I love these people), I have friends who have adopted/foster kids and that is what makes their life great, and I have friends who wish they had my life. Only you can decide where you would be happiest in 15 -20 years.
DH and I both grew up assuming we'd have kids (because that's what people do, not because we liked them). We got married young, then all our friends got married, then they had kids, but we didn't. About 5 years ago (out of our 10 year marriage), we talked a bit and we really thought "ok, it's time", but we never took the leap off BC, and then a couple years later we talked again, decided it wasn't time, and I replaced my expiring mirena. I'll be 38 when it comes out, so the door closes if I put another in. For us, it's not a firm decision to never have kids as much as it's becoming a decision to not have kids "now" (and being ok with never having them). I actually pushed us both to do a masters program just a couple years out of college (while working) because I figured a masters would help me get back into the job market easier if I took off time for kids. I was a very practical thinker.
I have a niece and nephew now, and we spent a little time with them to see if the biological clock would kick in - it didn't. DH has 2 siblings and will probably get a niece or nephew one day, but until then, boy is his mom sad to be retired with no grandkids.
With regards to holidays, we are far away from family and non-religious, so we already celebrate holidays differently. We will have each other as we grow old, and if not, then we have our siblings. I have a relative that never got married (and no kids) and I have a relative that married an older man and never had kids. Both traveled the world and reflect closer to what I want to do with my life. DH said he would be excited to have kids if I was excited, and there was that brief moment (like for 4 months) we were excited, but then it went away. Part of me wishes I could experience pregnancy, but after the nastiness of pg thread and learning about pee "accidents" that are more common afterwards, I think I'll be ok without the experience.
As another poster mentioned, I know I'd be the primary caregiver if we had a kid, and frankly, I'm lazy (and I love being lazy). I also don't like people, and you have to be nice to people like the kid's teachers and taking the kid to events and socializing in general. And the worry! Constantly worried about them. I also think there are enough people in the world and it's not required that I reproduce (even if my kids would be smart, though not lookers). I constantly think of baby names, which is really weird. I would also like to pass down my values and beliefs to someone, but that's more because I get really mad and frustrated at some other beliefs out there.
Having a kid doesn't guarantee having a friend for life, but you can always build relationships with others if you need companionship, like helping youth in the community.
I think it's hard to not be a parent because everyone assumes that every woman (of a certain age) is a mom. Even I do. And I'm pleasantly surprised when I find other CFBC people because it makes me feel less alone in this world. And yet, I still wonder why they didn't have kids. (So dumb of me, I know, but even if I don't have kids, I still think it's the norm.)
Wow...so many thoughts in here that I could have written myself.
I'm struggling with this also. DH and I got married under the assumption that we'd eventually want and have kids.
Well, that was almost 4 years ago. I'll be 33 later this year.
Our assumption that we would have kids, plural, slowly turned into, kid, singular. Then we played the 'maybe next year' game for 3 years.
Around that time, I started to feel like it might not be the right choice for us. I liked out carefree lifestyle and had too many things I wanted to do that I felt would be made much more difficult with the addition of kids. I also started to have real concerns that it would have a very negative impact on my marriage...just do to our personalities and dynamic and a lot of other reasons I won't get into.
It was really only 6-7 months ago that we had out first serious conversation about not having kids. We talked briefly about the possibility of fostering and/or adoption if we were to change our minds later on in life. H seemed 100% on board with not having kids, which was a little bit surprising to me...he had put up more of a protest in the past.
Well, since then, H is def 110% on board and will happily tell anyone and/or everyone that we don't plan to have kids. This has caused me to suddenly panic and go back on the fence! I don't know why. I know I don't want one now...and I'm not that young. But suddenly, the thing that I was on board with first (remaining child free) is freaking me out. Basically, I guess I'm worried I'll regret it. I also feel immense pressure from my mom who is dying to be a grandmother. I know that's not a reason to have a kid. But she is so amazing and I would feel pretty heartbroken knowing how heartbroken she would be to not have that (I do have a sister...she does not want kids either...dammit!).
I don't know what will happen. I can just picture myself doing a 180 in 3-4 more years and it being too late for me to get pregnant, or H not being on board, or IDK. Or maybe I will never really feel that desire and will come to peace with that finally in a few more years.
Ugh.
Think of it this way: you're being like a cat. You know, how they never want any door closed, ever? One of the 3 Predictably Irrational books has a similar study about people's inability to "close a door". You might be going back on the fence because you want the fence to exist, because it gives you control. I'm hoping I'm onto something because I feel the same things. If I declare to the world that I'm never having kids, then it makes it official and closes a door. But if I just keep saying that we'll look at it next year, then it's not fully closed. I am a few years from 38 and almost closed the door this year, but realized I don't have to (well, I don't, but I told DH that if he wants them, I need to know now since I'm hitting the age of risky pregnancies). I will procrastinate until 38, and then who knows, I could pretend it's still possible at 43 just to keep the fence in view. We still dodge the question when asked by most people, but to some, we say "we might not have kids". We have no CFBC friends.
Somewhat related - I don't know if I can ever go back to having a period. It's been 6+ years on mirena and I love it.
Post by redredwine on Apr 14, 2015 16:02:56 GMT -5
Thanks everyone! SO helpful and brought up some great points.
I did read a couple things that helped me narrow down WHY I want kids (more because I envision my life with them when they're/we're older) but in order to get there, we have to really hold hands on the "0-18 (and maybe even longer!) years"...not sure where we'll land (the thought of THAT exhausts me), but it helped me articulate things a bit more than "I don't know why, I just feel like I've always wanted kids" argument.
Seeing as they're are so many of us "on the fence-rs", maybe we need a BMOTB (babies maybe on the brain) board! Haha! It's actually so reassuring to know that there are others struggling with the same thing.
I was never very for/against kids. I went off birth control at age 30 because we were just a bit - "why not?" About it? Got pregnant immediately, and DD is 18 months now. I'm due with soon to be DS in 2,5 weeks.
As much as life has changed for the worse in terms of sex life, flexibility, finances etc, I believe that having a child has *greatly* increased my quality of life. Without being cheesy, there's something to be said about caring so much about someone else- more than I ever thought was possible.
We have comfortable finances and a fairly supportive family, though, and I do think that makes it soooo much easier.
But (and this is totally flameful) - I can't help but sometimes think that cfbc individuals are missing out somehow. Even though I know that makes no sense, and I never in a million years thought that until I had kids myself.
Keep in mind, I have only been a mother for a year and a half so this is based on limited experience.
Gut instinct one day to move forward and try. All our siblings and several friends have kids.
We have an 8 week old, so it is rough at the moment. Neither of is are baby people and it is hard having my life totally and I mean totally run by a tiny tyrant:).
So basically ask me in 6 months, ha! I don't feel any regret, but it is tough having everything I really enjoyed about my life changed.
This is probably not helpful to you, OP, but just wanted to share you're not alone.
DH and I have always wanted kids, and I know I picture older kids in my distant future- but not really any time soon. It's an odd feeling of loving life the way it is now but knowing at some point, in order to have the life you have always envisioned, you need to make a decision.
noodleoo - thanks for sharing. I could have written all of that (minus the decision to go for it and be pregnant). DH and I are also in the "we see children/ adult children in our camp - but haven't decided when to go for it. It seems to always be "maybe in a couple years" for us too. Anyway, thanks for sharing your perspective.
Wow...so many thoughts in here that I could have written myself.
I'm struggling with this also. DH and I got married under the assumption that we'd eventually want and have kids.
Well, that was almost 4 years ago. I'll be 33 later this year.
Our assumption that we would have kids, plural, slowly turned into, kid, singular. Then we played the 'maybe next year' game for 3 years.
Around that time, I started to feel like it might not be the right choice for us. I liked out carefree lifestyle and had too many things I wanted to do that I felt would be made much more difficult with the addition of kids. I also started to have real concerns that it would have a very negative impact on my marriage...just do to our personalities and dynamic and a lot of other reasons I won't get into.
It was really only 6-7 months ago that we had out first serious conversation about not having kids. We talked briefly about the possibility of fostering and/or adoption if we were to change our minds later on in life. H seemed 100% on board with not having kids, which was a little bit surprising to me...he had put up more of a protest in the past.
Well, since then, H is def 110% on board and will happily tell anyone and/or everyone that we don't plan to have kids. This has caused me to suddenly panic and go back on the fence! I don't know why. I know I don't want one now...and I'm not that young. But suddenly, the thing that I was on board with first (remaining child free) is freaking me out. Basically, I guess I'm worried I'll regret it. I also feel immense pressure from my mom who is dying to be a grandmother. I know that's not a reason to have a kid. But she is so amazing and I would feel pretty heartbroken knowing how heartbroken she would be to not have that (I do have a sister...she does not want kids either...dammit!).
I don't know what will happen. I can just picture myself doing a 180 in 3-4 more years and it being too late for me to get pregnant, or H not being on board, or IDK. Or maybe I will never really feel that desire and will come to peace with that finally in a few more years.
Ugh.
Think of it this way: you're being like a cat. You know, how they never want any door closed, ever? One of the 3 Predictably Irrational books has a similar study about people's inability to "close a door". You might be going back on the fence because you want the fence to exist, because it gives you control. I'm hoping I'm onto something because I feel the same things. If I declare to the world that I'm never having kids, then it makes it official and closes a door. But if I just keep saying that we'll look at it next year, then it's not fully closed. I am a few years from 38 and almost closed the door this year, but realized I don't have to (well, I don't, but I told DH that if he wants them, I need to know now since I'm hitting the age of risky pregnancies). I will procrastinate until 38, and then who knows, I could pretend it's still possible at 43 just to keep the fence in view. We still dodge the question when asked by most people, but to some, we say "we might not have kids". We have no CFBC friends.
Somewhat related - I don't know if I can ever go back to having a period. It's been 6+ years on mirena and I love it.
Yeah, this is exactly what it is. I started to have a gut feeling that it might not be what I wanted...but to definitively say that we are not having kids..it freaks me out. I thought I was okay to close that door, but when push comes to shove, I'm apparently not ready to. Which is okay for now I suppose.
I am also a generally indecisive person by nature, and it's only one of the biggest decisions I/we will ever make...so that doesn't help.
I'm just butting in to say thanks for posting this, and thanks to everyone who responded! We're in the indecisive camp, too. If either of us wanted to have kids (and we both know we'd want more than one), the other would be OK. But that never happens, we're both OK. I just wish we knew one way or the other. It's been good reading all of the responses and thoughts from everyone.
H and I are childfree by choice and will remain that way (I'm 42, H is 48). Children were never something we felt strongly about and we do feel strongly about other things (travel, early retirement, sleep - lol) that would be much more challenging with kids.
Truth be told, I like being responsible for just me. The older I got the more I realized that - I don't even want a pet. I like doing what I want, when I want.
As previous poster said though, this is so personal. My situation (and wants) is not like anyone else's. My advice is just keep the lines of communication with your H and it's ok either way you go. Embrace it whole heartedly regardless of what you decide.
This is us exactly. I'm 39 and H is 43 and we've been married for about 4 years. We both went into the relationship with the same ambivalence and after about a year of so of marriage we decided that I would get off BCP and "see what happens". We didn't get too serious and were never actively TTC we just went on as we usually did. After a few months I realized how much it would change our life if we did in fact have a baby and frankly...that scared the shit out of me.
We are both very financially secure, we love to travel and we love to come and go as we please and do things on a whim. I have tons of friends and see first hand the stress it puts on their relationships. I'm certainly not saying this happens with everyone, but I married my husband to be with him and if I'm being totally honest, I just don't want the responsibility. We want to be able to do what we want.
We'll have a wonderful life no matter what. We have nieces and nephews that we love very much but for us, kids are not for us. I agree to keep talking and be honest with each other. You never want there to be resentment from either party for however your life may turn out. Everyone's situation and experiences are different so its important to do what works best your you. Good luck.