Gay Events That I, Marco Rubio, Would Go To

[ttt]

www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/gay-events-that-i-marco-rubio-would-go-to?mbid=social_facebook


Presidential candidate and Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) said in an interview with Univision’s Jorge Ramos on Wednesday that he would attend a gay wedding of someone he was close to—while qualifying that he wouldn’t condone the union itself.
—Washington Post.

Rubio clarifies which gay events he would attend, and to which events he would have to R.S.V.P. “no”:

Gay Barbecue

I would go to a gay barbecue, because I like eating food, and it does not bother me that there would be gay people eating food around me. But I would not talk to them, except to ask for more food.

Gay Bar Trivia

I would go to a gay bar trivia event, but I feel like I’d probably let the team down, because I don’t know all that much about gay culture. The main reason I’d be there would be to get some water to wet my dry mouth.

Gay Bar Mitzvah

While I respect the Jewish religious tradition, I feel that a gay bar mitzvah would conflict with my Catholic beliefs, and I would not want to ruin such a special coming-of-age event for a young gay Jewish boy, soon to be a young gay Jewish man.

Gay Christening

I don’t support gay marriage—we all know that. But I would happily attend a gay christening, because, although I’m not gay, I am a Christian.

Gay Wedding of Someone I’m Not Close To

I said that I’d go to the gay wedding of someone I’m close to, but in fact I’d also go to the gay wedding of someone I’m not that close to. I wouldn’t participate in the ceremony, and I would be handing out anti-gay-marriage pamphlets at the reception.

Gay Wedding of My Worst Enemy

I would not attend the gay wedding of my worst enemy, but I’d definitely be surprised to be invited. Did he ask me because he thinks that we’re actually friends, or because he wants to put our enmity behind us? If he’s trying to salvage the relationship, I might go, because I actually would like to have him as a friend. If he mistakenly thinks we are currently friends, I wouldn’t go, because that’s insulting.

Gay Night at the Cubbyhole

I would go to the well-known New York City lesbian bar the Cubbyhole, but mainly because I’m kind of an avid tourist, and I’m just really curious to see what it’s like inside. I wouldn’t stay for long after getting my drink, though, in case a bunch of people I don’t know decide to have impromptu weddings and I have to start passing out anti-gay-marriage pamphlets.

Gay Sex Party

I would not attend a gay sex party.

Intimate Evening with My Secret Gay Lover

I would not attend an intimate evening with my secret gay lover, because I don’t have one. I’m happily married, with children. Although, if I did have a secret gay lover, I suppose you wouldn’t know, would you?

Gay Speed Dating

I would go to a gay speed-dating event in order to meet as many constituents as possible in a short time frame and get their support in the upcoming election.

Gay Anti-Gay-Marriage Rally

I’m conflicted about this. I like anti-gay-marriage rallies, but I’m curious as to why gay people are running anti-gay-marriage rallies. I’d have to find out more about the event before attending.

My Own Gay Wedding

In a hypothetical universe in which I am gay instead of straight, I suppose I would have to go to my own gay wedding, because otherwise the wedding would have to be called off. In this scenario, then, I would probably want gay marriage to be legal. Wait, can I just go on the record with my initial statement?

[LadySusan]

!!! I didn't realize at first that the New Yorker does satire.

[secretlyevil]

Lolololololololol

[mcfelix]

Hilarious! The gay christening one kills me.

[jillboston]

Apr 17, 2015 20:13:30 GMT -5 LadySusan said:

!!! I didn't realize at first that the New Yorker does satire.

Every issue - the first thing I  read after the news snippets.

[saz]

Hahahaha amazing!!!!