What to do with 2 year old who hates the baby?

[sjh722]

That might be slightly dramatic, but I am at the end of my rope.

75% of the time, DD1 (25 months) is either neutral or helpful towards DD2. She seems to like it if we have her help get a diaper out of the bin for DD2, turns the light on/off going into her room, give DD2 a pacifier, etc. We make a big deal about her being a big girl.

25% of the time, she is an absolute terror and I'm afraid she's going to injure DD2 (who isn't even 2 weeks old yet). She hits her. She threw a TV remote at her. She tried to poke her with a fork. Just a few minutes ago, I was holding DD2 and DD1 came up to us and tried to grab her out of my arms and shake her. (DD1 is a pretty strong toddler, and about 30 lbs, so she's got some force.) She looked me straight in the eye and poured a whole diet coke into the infant carseat on purpose at the park this afternoon. She knows she's being naughty, because she gives me a look and kind of grins, like "So, what are you going to do about this?"

We have both been trying to be deliberate about doing special things only with DD1, playing with her individually, we "put the baby to bed first" (put her in the RNP before DD goes to bed) because she's little, etc. 

Tonight, I had put DD2 in the RNP and was holding DD1 and watching Frozen, then playing tea party. She scratched my face and threw a plastic muffin at my head. 

We are consistent with time-outs. I try not to lose it in front of her, but I am ready to lose it. I'm afraid we're going to take DD2 to the pediatrician and they're going to think she's abused. 

I know this will eventually pass (I hope?), but OMG, what do you do in the meantime? I'm within like 2 feet of them when all this happens, I never leave them alone together because I don't trust her. Ugh. Help. We are home without H or anyone for the first time next week and I'm already afraid.

[specialk]

Omg, I'm so sorry that is terrible.

Is there anyone that can help you out next week? A favorite relative that can make a big deal out of a special day or something?

I don't really know what to do. How does she react to the time outs? Does she ever show remorse?

I would keep repeating to her that you are all family, and how would she feel if one of her family members like mommy or daddy hit her? It would make her sad and it makes the baby and mommy and daddy sad when she acts like that. I would refuse to give her any attention when she behaves that way and make it clear that you don't want to be around her when she acts that way. Make a big deal about praising any positive interactions with the baby.

I'm sorry, not much experience with that age group so grasping here. I hope it passes quickly.

[spankswife]

I'm sorry. I don't have experience of a 2yo w a baby, but I do know 2/2.5 was rough. DD totally did the "stare you in the eye and deliberately do the opposite" move frequently. She would also slap me in the face and even but me a few times.

Lots of time outs, redirection, and positive reinforcement.

[zeewifeandmama]

::: hugs :::; it sounds like you are doing all the right things... It's just an adjustment you all have to get through.
I know that DD lost.her.damn mind when DS was born. Everything was cattywampus for a few weeks. .... Sleep, behavior, eating ...everything
One thing that did help was having other people come over and give her individual attention when I couldn't. It sometimes made things worse in the short term, but overall it did help.
It's really hard. Hang in there!

[hopecounts]

At 2 weeks in this is all still new and hard on all of y'all.

Try to catch her being good and make a big production of praising/rewarding her for that behavior, she is acting out to get attention/test the new boundaries/test your love now that she has to 'compete' with the new baby.

How do you do time out? if it's in the same room I'd switch it to a safe place where she can't see you as it may unintentionally be giving her your attention if you have to return her to time out.

Hang in there it will get better once the new normal settles in.

[lurknomore]

One of the things we did that worked really well was to reinforce that DD2 was also important. So if DD3 cried while we were doing something with DD2, we told DD3 she had to wait until we were done with DD2. It was important that she realized we didn't always drop her to do something for the baby. The verbal cues that DD3 had to wait her turn really seemed to make DD2 feel better. And The baby didn't know she was crying for two extra
Minutes but DD2 felt super important and that helped. Some of it (staring at you while doing something naughty) is totally normal. Hell, DD2 is 3.5 and still does that shit. It's a tough age but it will get better. Just keep supervising. Hang in there.

[Deleted]

It's hard, it sucks and it lasts a long time to be honest.

We didn't have this off the bat, but it started hardcore when DS hit six-ish months and became "fun." He's well over 1 and it's still happening, although lessening.

I just remember that it's normal, the second siblings always survive and DDs payback is coming.

I kid, but for real advice I finally had to get tough with DD about it. Timeouts, taking away of privileges, stern talking tos etc. I had to take away the special as I think she was coming to expect it, so the second it didn't happen she got defiant. I finally had to make her realize DS was here FOREVER so she better get used to it.

I also tried to keep DD as busy as possible for awhile. You have no idea how many of those sticker/color book packs and other random crap from the Dollar Spot at Target I burned through for awhile. Blocks, puzzles, stuff she could do on her own without DS helped a ton. I was so tired of digging up stuff to do on the constant after awhile but it helped immensely. I think being trapped the house while I was with the baby was a new concept for her and she didn't know what to do exactly so she got naughty. Some direction and a constant explanation of was going to happen next seemed to settle her.

Does she like to be a helper? That was great for DD. Not so much for baby stuff, but I'd give a her a rag and have her wipe down the chairs, give her the Swiffer duster and have her do her room etc. Killed a lot of time, kept her away from the baby etc. 

[AmyRI]

You're doing all the things that were helpful to us already. So I don't have any magical suggestions, but our pedi warned us that weeks 1-3 were the worst. Week 1 and LO1 thinks it's temporary. Week 2 reality sets in and they freak. By week 4, they start to adjust. So just try to ride it out for a bit and be consistent. Sorry you're having a rough time

[Deleted]

Getting back into a normal routine also helped us. I know it's hard with a NB but it worked wonders for us all I think.

I don't mean a set in stone go go go schedule, but just something she can rely. Mondays we go to the park. Tuesdays we do errands. Wednesdays Grandma comes. Thursday we go to the sitters. Daddy gets in at 5. We go outside after breakfast. General blah blah like. Stuff you can make flexible based on the baby needs and she won't know the difference other than it's always the same, kwim?

[teatimefor2]

Sounds like the same age gap between my boys. DS1 was 25 months when DS2 was born. Your DD2 is less than two weeks old, give your first daughter a break. It WILL get better. Her world has been turned upside down. My DS1 would melt down when I nursed, I remember at one point crying as I tried to nurse a crying DS2 and watch DS1 cry because I was nursing.

Things improved after two weeks. I made a point to let DS1 see us make his brother wait (DS2 was usually sleeping, but I'd say, 'DS2 please wait while I help DS1'), we would ask him to help by giving brother blanket, etc. Also when it was time for diaper changes, we would ask who gets a new diaper first, etc.

You will get into a new routine, it takes time. You are all adjusting, plus you are PP too with hormones, that impacted everything for me. Stay calm and patient. Explain that your new child is part of your family and you all love DD2. I think that helped our eldest.

Good luck, it will get better and congratulations again.

[Brie]

I just wanted to commiserate. There are sweet moments between the two boys but I'm also seeing a lot of jealousy from C and he's done things like throw toys at him, etc.

I just try to remind myself that neither of them will remember this and it, like everything else toddler, is a phase. Hugs.

[cleosprite]

Yeah, two weeks out is rough. Everybody is still adjusting to the new family dynamics. Just stay consistent. I also did a lot of the, "I can't help you right now baby, I'm helping your older brother." I made a point to give him 20 minutes of focused attention a day when the baby was napping. I think that helped. I also cried a lot.

It gets better. DS mostly adores DD these days. Mostly.

[hopecounts]

And if it makes you feel better one of my Mom's favorite stories about my brothers is when my oldest brother (2) threw his metal tonka truck at my middle brother (a newborn).
Mom caught it so no harm done, know what they're doing this weekend? camping out together
This phase is sucky but it really does pass.

[ringstrue]

Ugh I'm so sorry. They really all left you at 2 weeks post partum with a newborn and a 2 year old? Shoot me.

Do you have baby gates? I wonder if you can be more strategic about them? Like maybe even gate off a safe space for the baby in the living room. Or what about those PlayYard gate systems? Like the Northstar baby gate?

I'd also ramp up the timeouts. Send her all the way to her room. It gets her out of the area to give you a break and allows her more opportunity to calm down. Also- she'll need to have more opportunities to entertain herself anyway, and this may be a good way to enable that.

[schmidt]

I went through this when my daughter was born. My son was 2.5 and a complete wreck about the whole thing. I'm talking we don't even have a nice family pic at the hospital because he iwas so jealous and pissed at me that he was kicking and screaming sitting on my hospital bed. Ahh, sweet memories. Once we got home, he hit her, pinched her. You name it. We tried to reinforce he was still special by keeping his routine as close to normal as possible. I kept putting him to bed as that was always our thing even though I was tired and didn't really want to. Ha. We made the baby wait her turn - or at least that's what happened in his eyes.

But honestly, what helped most was time. I just didn't take my eyes off of him with her for a hot second at the beginning. We got through it and you will to!

[sjh722]

Apr 18, 2015 21:15:50 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

Ugh I'm so sorry. They really all left you at 2 weeks post partum with a newborn and a 2 year old? Shoot me.

Yes. And my sister, who I am super close with and DD1 loves more than anyone in the world, just texted me that she is looking into quitting her job to move to Thailand. 

I am not even 2 weeks postpartum. BAD TIMING.

[Deleted]

It may also get better now that everyone is gone. (Although it's rougher on you)
DD never does well with a lot of in and out, people around, noise etc. It's like she can't handle the attention/feels the need to show off to someone.
Once everyone left and it was just us again, it improved drastically. She got a chance to just chill out too.

And TV. I won't even tell you how much TV my kid watched there for awhile.

[teatimefor2]

Apr 18, 2015 21:19:34 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Apr 18, 2015 21:15:50 GMT -5 ringstrue said:

Ugh I'm so sorry. They really all left you at 2 weeks post partum with a newborn and a 2 year old? Shoot me.

Yes. And my sister, who I am super close with and DD1 loves more than anyone in the world, just texted me that she is looking into quitting her job to move to Thailand. 

I am not even 2 weeks postpartum. BAD TIMING.

You will do great. I had a couple solo days with my kids at two weeks. It was hard, but we managed. Take lots of deep breaths. I was overjoyed when DH got home. My eldest actually did better when it was just the three of us-- back to normal. I really focused on a new routine and my youngest was content and that helped a lot.

[anaps28]

I'm sorry your going through this. DS1 was 3.5 when DS2 (6mths) was born and would do some really unnerving shit. I would try to do special stuff with him and he would give me the hardest time. Even now some days he fucks with the baby non stop, but then can be so helpful. ((Hugs)) it's not easy

[holly116]

Lots of hugs. You will get through this! I don't have anything different than what's already been mentioned but I just wanted to sign in to give you a hug. And from the other side, just a few months away, soon enough your girls will play together and leave you ALONE and I promise, you will find it worth it in the end.

[momof2boys]

My oldest son was going through a throwing phase when my youngest was born. My youngest got hit in the head a few times by thrown objects. My oldest actually liked his little brother, so I don't think he was throwing it at him intentionally, he just threw things all the time. What worked for us was anything he threw got put in a basket on top of the fridge. He could still see the items and would ask for them and we'd remind him why he lost them.

I'm not sure about things like dumping a can of soda in his car seat or trying to shake the baby though Maybe ask your pediatrician for advice?

My youngest son used to say he didn't want a younger sibling (I did want another and we had planned on it, but for medical reasons it never happened). He used to say he'd throw it etc. Anyway, he is 8 now and is begging for a younger brother. Before you know it they will be buddies

[bunch]

I will spare you on all of the details, but this was also rough for us. I haven't read the other responses, so sorry if this was a repeat. If I saw dd1 about to hit or throw or something, I would grab her arm, say "we don't hit" take the object and then WALK AWAY. If she'd made baby cry, I'd fawn over dd2 and say "I'm sorry that I allowed her to do that to you." It was all about getting attention. When dd1 wasn't getting attention for being naughty, she'd amp it up and yell, "mommy, I just hit Lydi" to make sure I noticed. I tried to give her lots of positive attention, praise for being kind, etc.

I want to say that there was a magic answer, but it can still be rough sometimes. DD2 has developed a sharp bite and strong hair hold, so she's finally getting even. Good luck!

[Willis Jackson]

Aw man. Hugs. Hang in there.

One thing I experienced that took me by surprise was this mama bear protectiveness of the baby and the instinct to KILL anyone who hurt him/her. The anger I felt toward my older kid when he/she hurt the baby was really upsetting to me. It passed in time. I'm still protective of the baby but I don't want to throw the older kids to the wolves when they (accidentally now) hurt him.

[beans20]

My boys are 3.5 years apart so ds1 was able to understand a little bit more but some things that helped us:
We always called ds1 big brother helper. It made him feel important and he liked having a special title. I always voiced that sometimes he had to wait for mommy and sometimes the baby had to wait for mommy. And when the baby had to wait, I always loudly told the baby, "sorry you have to wait a minute, mommy is helping your brother right now". Honestly, in the beginning, I made the baby wait way more. My thinking was that the baby wasn't going to remember anyway. Good luck!

[heagen]

I went through/going through this exactly and I wanted to post that it does get better.

I remember rocking the baby while my older son was being a maniac in the same room and I was thinking "only 10 more weeks until I go back to work". I felt awful thinking that but anytime DS1 went to my MIL's and I just had DS2, it felt like a spa day!

DS1 also potty trained himself out of spite(as a previous comment above)when DS2 was 2 weeks old so it was a very stressful few weeks (months?)

I went back to work 4 weeks ago and life is starting to resemble our life like it was before DS2 only now with DS2.

We live for the weekends when both DH and myself can tag team, giving each kids all the attention. It's our new normal and somewhere I never thought we would be just a few weeks ago.

[jeaniebueller]

Zombie thread?

[sjh722]

Sept 2, 2015 10:30:33 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Zombie thread?

Yes, LOL. Now at least they're 50-50 on loving and hating each other.

[heagen]

Sorry! I meant to respond to another post!!This was a link in that one!