adoption related brain dump

[gummybear]

I think you feelings are normal. I am so happy you have found a true sense of belonging and family with your kids. I wanted to share this with you bc my cousin who gave her daughter up for adoption around the same time you did posted it today. Her experience with reuniting has had some speed bumps. But it reminded me a lot of what you posted (though the authors experience is very extreme). I hope you can find your birth mother.
www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/just-get-over-it-the-narcissistic-adoptive-mom/

[gummybear]

Apr 18, 2015 21:12:46 GMT -5 @stpete said:

Apr 18, 2015 21:08:14 GMT -5 gummybear said:

I think you feelings are normal. I am so happy you have found a true sense of belonging and family with your kids. I wanted to share this with you bc my cousin who gave her daughter up for adoption around the same time you did posted it today. Her experience with reuniting has had some speed bumps. But it reminded me a lot of what you posted (though the authors experience is very extreme). I hope you can find your birth mother.
www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/just-get-over-it-the-narcissistic-adoptive-mom/

I'm going to take a moment halfway through and say this isn't something I can relate to, but I'm going to finish it and come back.

It's the end that struck me. I know the beginning is really extreme

[fuckyourcouch]

I'm sorry.
I don't have good advice other than family is who treats you that way. If that means it's friends or someone non traditional, who cares? Make your family the people you love and who treat you as you deserve.

[flex]

Please know that many of us here have parents or family members that don't "get" us. It is confusing but it's part of life. And like tators said, we don't choose our family.

[gummybear]

Apr 18, 2015 21:18:36 GMT -5 @stpete said:

gummybear I think the major difference is that for me being adopted never had the major emotions impact that giving up my daughter did. It was a weird feeling of being without a link, but I loved my family and felt we were bonded. Your sister has a ton of hurt towards her adoptive mother that I dont. I'm just realizing my dad is kind of a dick. His revelation on how he viewed L's birth was new to me.

tators I've live my life believing family is who you make it. But I'm just starting to realize that maybe biological ties cane mean more than I knew. It's nature and nurture and neither can be denied.

It's my cousin we are related biologically but she gave up her daughter 18 years ago. The process has left her very emotionally scarred. I think she feels the need to advocate for her daughter. I am sorry you dad is being a dick.

[dianecourt]

It sounds like a really tough situation. As you said, "Fortunately he at least isn't worried I can't take care of myself, only if I'll be happy." and maybe that's the most you can take from the relationship you have with him now.

You do seem happy in your place now, and those pictures and smiles are beautiful. I think it's great how your younger children have been able to get together with your older daughter.

[Captain Serious]

I believe that family are the people who you would walk through fire for. Sometimes I don't like all my family members so much, but no matter our differences, we will always be there for one another in the end. That being said, I don't use the term "family" loosely, to include friends (even my beasties), but it has nothing to do with blood, and little to do with legal definitions.

[Captain Serious]

Apr 18, 2015 21:21:09 GMT -5 flex said:

Please know that many of us here have parents or family members that don't "get" us. It is confusing but it's part of life. /quote]
Amen.

[Captain Serious]

Apr 18, 2015 21:18:36 GMT -5 @stpete said:

'm just realizing my dad is kind of a dick. His revelation on how he viewed L's birth was new to me.

My parents and I rarely are on the save wavelength, and sometimes I really don't like them. I think this is true of many parent-adult child relationships. We grow our different ways, and often don't mesh with the people who raised us. And every little thing we don't like is often magnified, because THEY ARE OUR PARENTS, for heaven's sake, and of anyone in the world, they should know better.

The thing is, do you love him, despite his flaws? It's okay to, and doesn't necessarily make this a dysfunctional relationship. It makes it life's messy family reality. It's okay to love a family member you would never choose as a friend. You just have to establish and stick to boundaries you feel comfortable with.

[HiC]

I'm sorry. It's devastating when you realize how crappy your parents' parenting was during your childhood. For me, personally, it became even clearer after I became a parent myself. It made me so angry for a long time. I hope you find some kind of peace with your father.

[sapphireblue]

Apr 18, 2015 21:12:46 GMT -5 @stpete said:

Apr 18, 2015 21:08:14 GMT -5 gummybear said:

I think you feelings are normal. I am so happy you have found a true sense of belonging and family with your kids. I wanted to share this with you bc my cousin who gave her daughter up for adoption around the same time you did posted it today. Her experience with reuniting has had some speed bumps. But it reminded me a lot of what you posted (though the authors experience is very extreme). I hope you can find your birth mother.
www.adoptionbirthmothers.com/just-get-over-it-the-narcissistic-adoptive-mom/

I'm going to take a moment halfway through and say this isn't something I can relate to, but I'm going to finish it and come back.

As an adoptee I can't relate to ANYTHING this woman has to say. And I sort of resent her generalizations about what adoptees feel or experience. She should speak for herself but not assume that all adoptees will feel the same.

St. Pete--sorry your sailing trip with your father wasn't great. It's hard to realize your parents don't "get" you. He sounds rather self-centered, or at least he was that day. I'm glad things are going so well with your birth daughter and your other kids. The pictures are great!

[sapphireblue]

Apr 18, 2015 22:31:58 GMT -5 @stpete said:

What bothers me is that he seems to blame is inability to relate to his kids on us being adopted. Like it goes against everything they always told us- that you make your family.

That would bother me too. And it seems like a convenient thing to point to. If he can't relate to any of his four kids it probably isn't because 3 of them were adopted. It's probably more about him.

My parents can relate to me (adopted) a hell of a lot more easily than they can to my brother (not adopted). I think it is more random and much more complicated than your dad is seeing it.

[mcsangel2]

My older sister and brother were adopted (different bio moms), I am the only biological child. We are all very, very different from each other. My brother is very much a lone wolf, has no interest in family relationships of any kind, only sees us when absolutely necessary. My sister is very much a nurturing, family oriented person. She's the glue that holds the family relationships together, and is the only one that has kids. I love my family (except for my brother), but am not really anything like my sister in terms of seeing family and doing things regularly. Oddly enough, I'm exactly like our mom. A little aloof, maybe. I always thought my sister has tried to compensate for what our mom didn't give emotionally. So I definitely know where you're coming from with having siblings you are nothing like.

Neither my sis or bro have ever had interest in finding their birth moms. However, DH's stepdad was also adopted and was found by his half sister several years ago, and met her and his birth mom. That was kind of a disaster, and I think maybe he wishes he'd never met her.

You definitely can't assume that biology means you'll have a connection.

[cinnamoncox0]

I'm sorry @stpete that must've been a shitty afternoon with him. I'm wondering if maybe he is just trying to sort things out in his own head, realizes maybe he was either ill equipped to parent or is just second guessing his parenting now that he can look back on it and isn't in the moment of parenting.
Most parents (I think) feel some sense of guilt over something, no parent is perfect. So for him, if he is a narcissist or some such thing, it's mentally easier to "blame" his own parenting short comings on the fact there isn't a biological relation vs him just not being perfect?

Otherwise he would have to do some more soul searching or something but that is mentally his "easy way out"

I think your kids are fantastic by what you've posted here, so you've certainly done right by them.
Hang in there and just take your time processing what was said.

[aprilsails]

I think the conversation you had with your Dad reflects much more on him and his personality than it does on your biological status or lack thereof. He sounds like he's just trying to explain away the problems while giving himself an out. That's not very nice and I'm sorry you had a crap afternoon of sailing while he treated you as his therapist. (Point of notice - no sailing trip should be bad - I'm upset for you)

On the other side, I'm really glad you had a nice day at the beach with your family! Your OP makes it obvious that you are an outward looking individual and that while you've faced some tough times and hard decisions in your life, you have made the most of it and are staying connected to the people that count while being honest about the past. That makes for a very bright future.

[readyin07]

There's a lot here, but it's sort of odd to me all the focus on "relating." I don't think you necessarily have to relate to have strong family relationships so I think your dad is copping out. My situations isn't exactly the same, but I was raised by a non-biological father who is my dad. Do we relate? Probably not. He likes Nascar and Fox News for the love of God. But he was an awesome dad anyway and we have a pretty close father-daughter relationship, especially since my kids have come along. I guess it helps that my mom and I relate to each other so I didn't "need" him for that. But I also don't think I would have related to my bio father either.