Explaining death to 3yo

[Deleted]

I need some help with this!

DH's grandmother passed about a month ago, we were all very close to her. She loved DS very much. Per her wishes, we are scattering her ashes in our backyard, DH wants to do it tomorrow. DH wants DS to attend, but I am very wary of how to explain about great-grandma to DS without frightening him. DH wants to tell DS that she "went away." With that explanation, I envision DS asking non-stop if I'm going to go away, or Grammy (my mother) is going away, or dadda is going away. I know we'll have to explain death to DS eventually, but I think it's scary for DS to think that the adults in his life can suddenly vanish and never come back.

Can you guys think of a better age-appropriate explanation? We are not religious, so saying "great grandma went to heaven" won't mean anything to DS, and DH won't like that explanation anyhow. I am at a loss as to what to say to DS.

[nancybotwin]

When we had to explain death to 3 year old DD we used the words "he died." Sesame Street has a good clip (from the 80s) when Mr Hooper died...we said that our family member died which meant his body stopped living and we wouldn't see him again. It took a while for him to understand (and she still asks sometimes when we will see him again.)

[cjeanette]

I think saying went away can be confusing and make a kid feel abandoned. Saying she died isn't a concept a 3 year old fully gets but its best to be honest. My gma died when E was 3 and it was hard becuase she didn't understand where you go when you die and she wasn't getting it that gma was never coming back. It took a few months of her asking before she sort of got it.

[erbear]

We are pretty straightforward with our kids about death. They lost their grandfather a few years ago and we told them that Grandpa died, and he wasn't going to come back and we were all very sad. We don't do heaven either, but my older daughter seemed to take some comfort in the idea that we put his body in the ground so new things can grow, but his soul is all around us all the time. 

I don't know that I would allow a 3 year old to be part of the ashes thing. That would scare the heck out of my kids.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[JayhawkGirl]

We used very concrete terms - he died, his body stopped working, we miss him, we won't see him again. I didn't focus on sick/illness as I didn't want him to be afraid of getting sick, and I didn't say the doctors worked hard to save him - doctors are superheroes who fix the owies and our ears around here.

He processed it a few times over the months following (he had just turned 4). We went through a few bouts of sadness, including a couple of weeks when he slept with grandpa's picture. I have let myself cry in front of him. I want him to know it is okay to be sad about it.

When he is older - ie teenager - I will answer more about the specifics of grandpa's death if he wants to know.

[pamela]

My 3yo gets death of bugs, he knows about batteries dying, but bugs can't have their batteries replaced so they stay dead. I think he'll translate that well to people when it's time (well, except the Jesus thing in our case, that does confuse him). Definitely no going away, that's temporary.

[momof2boys]

I would not say she went away, then your son will wonder why his grandma went away, wont' come back, isn't calling him etc. I also would probably not have him there when the ashes are spread, it could freak him out.

My kids were young when my grandmother died but I just kept it simple. Grammie was really sick and very old ( I didn't want them thinking if they got sick, or I got sick etc they would die so stressed the very old part to them) and her body couldn't get better anymore, so she is in heaven now. I know you said the heaven part won't work for you but keeping it simple worked well for us. Honestly, little kids are so into their own little worlds, they asked a few simple questions, then never mentioned it again.