In laws vent

[pinkpeony08]

My in laws are visiting from out of town this week, here to meet their new grand baby who is 10 days old. Their visits stress me out... And even more so with a newborn. Both blow their nose all day and won't wash their hands unless specifically asked. They do nothing to help other than play with our toddler, and even that is not always great. Today MIL was letting my toddler "help" her take her pills?!? I had to ask that she not do that because pills are not for playing with. They expect us to provide all meals and do no help in preparation or clean up. Tonight I put the baby in the bouncy chair to help set the table while my MIL needed to watch the sleeping baby sleep next to the dining room table, Rather than doing anything to help with dinner. During my toddler's nap time, FIL went downstairs to nap (for longer than my toddler?!) which prevented any laundry happening... And MIL sat on the couch amidst a tornado of toddler toys (that she had gotten out with my daughter) and didn't put a single thing away.

Ugh. I have to survive til Tuesday am when they fly out. At least they didn't add extra days without asking first like they did at thanksgiving....

[heygrey]

i'm sorry. i'm sure it's doubly frustrating as you're recovering.

can you (or better yet, your husband) say, "the dishes are in the cupboard, please set the table for supper." or "DD's toys go in that chest, can you please put them away?" or "we're planning sub sandwiches and potato salad for supper, can you get everything out of the fridge? thank!"

1) maybe they'll actually be helpful! or 2) maybe they'll hate it and stop visiting!

[pinkpeony08]

My husband agrees with me but has a weird relationship with his parents... I'll talk to him again tonight. They also don't eat what I cook (except thanksgiving dinner... not that in cooking right now!). They eat one small serving, no matter what I make. Have since I started dating DH. We usually get take out most meals they are here regardless because I hate cooking when they don't eat it .

They do try sometimes. They sect a spa gift card after the baby was born (nice) with a card that read "thank you for our second grandchild" nothing else. Weird.

[pinkpeony08]

Oh and my hubby was outside doing yard work most of the afternoon... So just me and his parents...

[Deleted]

Yep. Time to start doling out the chores.

"Hey. Can you take DD and get her pjs on? I'd really love it if you'd light the grill/put the pasta water on etc." My mom is usually great but definitely needs direction or otherwise she'll sit there too.

Any way you can all get out of the house? Park? Ice Cream? At least they won't be trashing the joint.

Do they like errands? Send them out to get something for you. Something specific at each of 4 stores so it takes awhile.

[sjh722]

Apr 18, 2015 21:30:35 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

Oh and my hubby was outside doing yard work most of the afternoon... So just me and his parents...

I am 11 days postpartum. If H did this to me right now, I would murder him and he would be buried in the backyard.

I would hide in our room "feeding the baby" and drinking closet wine for the duration of their visit. Let them order take out and feed/entertain the toddler. 

[Deleted]

Apr 18, 2015 21:47:55 GMT -5 sjh722 said:

Apr 18, 2015 21:30:35 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

Oh and my hubby was outside doing yard work most of the afternoon... So just me and his parents...

I am 11 days postpartum. If H did this to me right now, I would murder him and he would be buried in the backyard.

I would hide in our room "feeding the baby" and drinking closet wine for the duration of their visit. Let them order take out and feed/entertain the toddler. 

I am 5 WEEKS post-partum and would also kill DH if he did that to me. OH HELL NAW. I often roll over and do what DH wants to avoid a fight, but even I would pitch a fit here.

[ilikedonuts]

From now on your husband isn't allowed to leave you alone with then unless he's at work. It's not your job to entertain his parents. Why is he avoiding them and leaving his post Partum wife to deal with rhem?

[cjeanette]

I don't get why you spend the money on take out. Cook what you want and if they don't eat it who cares. Don't cater to them.

I get that some yard work has to be done but all day? Dude. Mow the yard so they neighbors don't side eye you and get your ass back in the house.

[7costanza]

I can see my husband trying to pull the yard work thing too. What has worked for me is telling him that if he doesn't say something to them, I will, and it will be much less diplomatic. However, I can also see your H's side a bit, my dad and his girlfriend sound similar to your ILs and its so much easier to just silently deal with their weirdness than have an actual conversation (they are local though so visits are limited to a few hours 3-4 times a year). Hang in there!

[pinkpeony08]

Thank you ladies for making me feel like I'm not crazy for being upset about this... I just told DH that he is not leaving me alone with his parents anymore this visit. He is at least in agreement about the number of inappropriate things that went on today.

I hid out feeding the baby for awhile today and won't feel bad about doing more tmrw .

[pinkpeony08]

Apr 18, 2015 22:35:38 GMT -5 7costanza said:

I can see my husband trying to pull the yard work thing too. What has worked for me is telling him that if he doesn't say something to them, I will, and it will be much less diplomatic. However, I can also see your H's side a bit, my dad and his girlfriend sound similar to your ILs and its so much easier to just silently deal with their weirdness than have an actual conversation (they are local though so visits are limited to a few hours 3-4 times a year). Hang in there!

DH says his mom gets super hurt easily. She interpreted us saying we didn't want them staying with us for 2 weeks around the due date to watch our daughter when I went into labor (which never would have happened if they were here) as we didn't want them to come at all after the baby was born... Instead my mom was here. Having her just here recently really showed me the contrast.... I came home everyday from work to dinner on the table and a clean house.

[Deleted]

OMG this is my dear about having a second child. FIL cannot be bothered to put his coffee cup in a dish washer and it makes me crazy. Mil spend all do last weekend with is and barely got off of her iPad the whole time.

I ditto the recommendations for closet wine and "feeding the baby."

[Deleted]

Oh dear. That has got to be enormously stressful.

I am bossy as shit when I want to be and I would pull it out here. and I would be very blunt if any feelings start showing up. Just explain that there is a lot of work to be done and everyone will be pitching in, that's what families do.

And definitely don't let FIL's nap stop laundry from happening. He can deal with the noise. If the laundry is connected to where he is sleeping, just let him know this morning that you will need to do laundry throughout the afternoon and he can nap or not as he is comfortable.

[Deleted]

Oh, hell no.

[ECB]

Apr 18, 2015 22:49:46 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

Apr 18, 2015 22:35:38 GMT -5 7costanza said:

I can see my husband trying to pull the yard work thing too. What has worked for me is telling him that if he doesn't say something to them, I will, and it will be much less diplomatic. However, I can also see your H's side a bit, my dad and his girlfriend sound similar to your ILs and its so much easier to just silently deal with their weirdness than have an actual conversation (they are local though so visits are limited to a few hours 3-4 times a year). Hang in there!

DH says his mom gets super hurt easily. She interpreted us saying we didn't want them staying with us for 2 weeks around the due date to watch our daughter when I went into labor (which never would have happened if they were here) as we didn't want them to come at all after the baby was born... Instead my mom was here. Having her just here recently really showed me the contrast.... I came home everyday from work to dinner on the table and a clean house.

look , I get it that he doesn't want to hurt her, but to cater to her "super easily hurt" feelings at YOUR expense is NOT OK. She's an adult. At some point he has to let her be responsible for her own feelings.

[VillainV]

Ditto doling out chores. My parents will sit around unless I specifically ask them for help. They know I'm the independent type who likes to just do things myself, and I think they feel like they'll get in my way if they just start doing stuff. My biggest regret from when they came to visit us afterC was born is that I didn't specifically ask them to help me.

Specific chores are best. "Can you take the toddler to the park for half an hour?" "Please set the table." "Can you fold this laundry while I feed the baby?" Also....are they able-bodied? I'm trying to figure out why your husband was outside doing yard work and they weren't at least helping him. The point of these post-party visits is to do chores for the new parents so they can spend time with the baby!!!!!

[anna7602]

Apr 18, 2015 22:49:46 GMT -5 pinkpeony08 said:

Apr 18, 2015 22:35:38 GMT -5 7costanza said:

I can see my husband trying to pull the yard work thing too. What has worked for me is telling him that if he doesn't say something to them, I will, and it will be much less diplomatic. However, I can also see your H's side a bit, my dad and his girlfriend sound similar to your ILs and its so much easier to just silently deal with their weirdness than have an actual conversation (they are local though so visits are limited to a few hours 3-4 times a year). Hang in there!

DH says his mom gets super hurt easily. She interpreted us saying we didn't want them staying with us for 2 weeks around the due date to watch our daughter when I went into labor (which never would have happened if they were here) as we didn't want them to come at all after the baby was born... Instead my mom was here. Having her just here recently really showed me the contrast.... I came home everyday from work to dinner on the table and a clean house.

Ugh, I'm sorry. My MIL is super sensitive as well, but I've given up trying to manage her on that front. They haven't come to visit in months and I'm sure she's stewing that I'm not bending over backwards to beg them to come. But such is life.

[Deleted]

Get your H to take toddler and inlaws out. You stay home and be lazy with the newborn. ( well not lazy but you know)

[livinitup]

They sound awful.

[lolo]

If you want help from your in-laws, ask for it. 'Hey, MIL, can you set the table while I do x?' 'FIL, would you be willing to play with toddler while I do y?'

Don't cater to them with food and laundry. You need to do what you need to do.

With your H, yes, I am glad you said no more alone time. I would be...not pleased if MH continually left me with ILs while he did something solo. I like them but postpartum, NEWP to that.

[rosebud]

Maybe they don't feel comfortable volunteering to help in your house? Tell them what you need done!

[pinkpeony08]

Only one full day to go! My DH drove me crazy for part of today as well despite talking to him last night. I told him mid-day that things had to change. He told his parents the jobs and said they could pick whichever ones they wanted (vacuuming, brushing the dog, etc). I came down to his mom vacuuming. And his dad sitting in the kitchen on the iPad (ugh). They did set the table and help with the dishes again tonight though... take out because I'm not cooking right now and my husband didn't want to either. They did seem sad that I kept the baby with me all afternoon, but I didn't feel bad after they sat on the couch and watched me pick up all the toys they got out with my toddler this morning?! What irks me even more is that my toddler is really good at picking up, you just have to say it's time to pick up and she does it...

One more day. And I told my husband that IF we have a third (not decided yet at this point), under no terms are they coming for more than a short number of hours in the first few weeks...