Further to ebeth's and noodleoo's suggestion in the delivery room post (I have a needle-phobic H that I'm worried about during L&D), hiring a doula is a route I've considered. I don't think Calvin's in love with the idea, probably partly because he says he can handle it. I'm just not as sure as I want to be that I'll have a strong advocate in him, though. L&D is going to make a couple vials of blood look like a cakewalk!
If you hired or considered hiring a doula, can you tell me about it? How did you find her? Was she helpful? Worth it? Did your OB have any thoughts on it? If your H wasn't totally on board, how did you sell the idea (other than the obvious "I'm pushing, so I'm making the call" card)?
I'm a long ways off, but it doesn't hurt to start thinking about it!
We've hired a doula, having not yet had the baby I can't fully comment on the was she helpful/was it worth it portion. I will say that thus far she has been super helpful and definitely worth the cost. She's available to me via phone or e-mail whenever I want, so when I have lots of little non-urgent/non-clinical questions that I want answers to I can ask her and not bother my midwife with 1001 questions. We found her on doulamatch.net.
H wasn't really sure about the doula thing and felt like his role might be taken over, but a doula is there not only to support the labouring mother, but also the mother's partner as well. Our doula is going to be teaching me positions for labouring and showing H how to support and comfort me in each position. Ultimately, H will be providing a lot of the physical support (i.e. massage, holding me in different positions, being the 'thing' I lean or rest on in addition to the bed), and the doula will provide more emotional support/encouragement as well as physical support. If H needs a break, she can take over entirely.
Part of building the relationship with your doula is figuring out comfort zones and what support looks like for your family unit. That is going to be different for each couple she works with. No doula wants to "be the star" and push the mothers partner out of the picture.
Ask your H if he would be willing to just meet with the doula and see how he feels about it after. We spend a lot of time in doula training learning how to support the partner and foster the bond between the parents. We are not there to get in between you two. Let the doula explain it to him, it will make him feel better about it.
As for finding one, doulamatch.net is a great resource. Of course I think they're helpful and worth it, but my opinion may be biased. As for OBs, I've never actually met one who was anti-doula. L&D nurses are a different story, as they're the ones who are actually around during labor to interact with your doula. Though every L&D nurse I've met who didn't like doulas didn't like them as a result of confrontations with terrible doulas, so I can only blame our own community for that.
Do make sure you ask if your doula is vaccinated, though. I'd guess about 50% of them aren't, and I would not want an unvaxxed person around my neonate.
Our hospital offers a doula program so I used their service for DS's birth and I'm so glad I did. DH was ambivalent about it - I just said I thought having someone else there to support me would be helpful.
She was wonderful. When the dr/nurses wanted to give me pitocin, she explained their reasoning and was great about answering questions. When labor got hard and I was in a lot of pain, she would guide me into different positions and suggest other techniques. Very supportive throughout. Even when I said ok time for the epidural, when I was 8 cm dilated and they all said I could push through. Nope, I was done - give me the drugs!
But the very best part was that she took photos with my camera so we have awesome photos of DS being born and the three of immediately after. I told DH we will hire a doula again if for no other reason than to have those pictures!
I found having a doula to be incredibly reassuring in what can be an overwhelming experience.
I wish I had hired a doula, I truly believe I might not have ended up with a c-section (and then post-c complications that carried on for months) if I had. I had an extremely traumatic labor and delivery where the support of someone besides my OB and family would have been tremendously helpful. You do have to keep in mind I wanted an unmedicated, intervention-free birth. I taught and took yoga - both regular and prenatal, I took the birthing classes, read all the books, I thought I could do it on my own, but it didn't work out that way and it took me a really long time to come to terms with it. That's why we didn't even start trying until my daughter was 3, I was on the fence about having another for years, and even during our time TTC.
I'm in a VBAC FB group for NJ, there are a lot of doulas in it, I have an acquaintance (a friend of a friend) who is a doula in training who I will contact, and there are also a lot of highly recommended local (like in my town) doulas I'll meet with - they're not uncommon where I am. My understanding is that most have a flat rate, but are usually willing to slide the scale if necessary. My max budget in my head is $1k. I didn't want to spend the money the first time around, but after going through what I went through, I'd pay as much as I can afford to avoid it again.
I agree with meltoine. I think (almost) all doulas offer a free consultation meeting prior to hiring them. Birth is such a personal and potentially vulnerable experience and so you want to make sure you're totally comfortable with the people around you. You don't have to hire the first one you talk to, we met with one other doula that I wasn't comfortable with before hiring ours.
I haven't hired one yet. Between vacations and august being a popular birth month, I'm having trouble finding a someone with availability.
I've used doulamatch.net, referrals from my midwives, and recs from other locals.
You might want to ask around to see if your hospital's nurses are cool about doulas. There's one hospital here that many doulas will no longer participate in deliveries at because the nurses are allegedly jerks.
Conversely, if you know you want an epidural, make sure your doula is cool with that because some doulas are jerks about that.
Oh and the other huge plus to hiring a doula is that many of them include at least one post partum visit in your home in their birth doula services to see how you're doing, help with breastfeeding, general baby advice, etc.
Thanks for the info. I raised the idea to Calvin last night and he was predictably pretty strongly against it. I was actually surprised HOW against it he was; I was a little pissed. Can we leave the ego at home please? This is going to be fucking hard, and if I feel I need more support (seeing as he and I are both total newbs at this), then why shouldn't I have it? I told him to please consider doing a little reading on it before coming to a decision. I think I may start doing some research on the hospital where I'm delivering, and also ask my OB at my next appointment in 3 weeks. If it seems like it has the potential to be a go, I may look into getting some recs and talking to one or two. I told Calvin if it's something I think I need or want, I expect him to at least go into a meeting with an open mind.
Thanks for the info. I raised the idea to Calvin last night and he was predictably pretty strongly against it. I was actually surprised HOW against it he was; I was a little pissed. Can we leave the ego at home please? This is going to be fucking hard, and if I feel I need more support (seeing as he and I are both total newbs at this), then why shouldn't I have it? I told him to please consider doing a little reading on it before coming to a decision. I think I may start doing some research on the hospital where I'm delivering, and also ask my OB at my next appointment in 3 weeks. If it seems like it has the potential to be a go, I may look into getting some recs and talking to one or two. I told Calvin if it's something I think I need or want, I expect him to at least go into a meeting with an open mind.
Sorry your H was so close minded about it. Does he not realize how strong his needle phobia is? I think I brought up the idea of either a doula or my sister with my H pretty early on in the pregnancy and he wasn't too happy with the idea either. He wants to be there for me (whcih is sweet, but honestly, in the beginning he wasn't doing a great job and I had my doubts). I think it has gotten a lot more real for him as we've gotten closer, I"ve gotten bigger (and more miserable) and after taking the childbirth classes. I asked him last night how he felt about my sister coming for the delivery and he said "it is your decision. This is going to be hard for you so I want you to do whatever you need." It was actually weird, I was kind of annoyed he wouldnt' tell me how he felt, but at the same time nice that he's finally recognizing that this is a way bigger deal for me than for him.
Anyway, I'd do the research as you plan to and keep an open discussion with him. He might come around later on in the pregnancy. I feel like my H was a little in denial (or just clueless) in the first half because while my life was changing dramatically already, his was not and it just wasn't "real" for him yet.
Thanks for the info. I raised the idea to Calvin last night and he was predictably pretty strongly against it. I was actually surprised HOW against it he was; I was a little pissed. Can we leave the ego at home please? This is going to be fucking hard, and if I feel I need more support (seeing as he and I are both total newbs at this), then why shouldn't I have it? I told him to please consider doing a little reading on it before coming to a decision. I think I may start doing some research on the hospital where I'm delivering, and also ask my OB at my next appointment in 3 weeks. If it seems like it has the potential to be a go, I may look into getting some recs and talking to one or two. I told Calvin if it's something I think I need or want, I expect him to at least go into a meeting with an open mind.
Maybe you can explain to your H that the doula is more to help both of you out and in no way replaces him or his involvement? Just let him know how much training and experience she has with pregnant women and birth and that her being there would make l&d so much easier and less scary for both of you. She has so many tricks of the trade that neither of you may even think about and would make the whole experience more pleasant. My H was confused about what a doula was, but after her met ours he was so confident and happy that I will have someone in my corner. As great as my H is he realizes that he can't do for me what a doula can.
Sorry your H was so close minded about it. Does he not realize how strong his needle phobia is?
Honestly I think he doesn't. Yesterday he sent me and my mom an email mid-morning that was panicky and borderline incoherent, saying that he was feverish and was being sent home from work, and because he looked so terrible, a coworker was driving him home and I could find our car in X spot in the parking garage (we carpool). He suggested that maybe I'd been sick this weekend and given it to him since I felt a little meh (no Calvin, you did not catch pregnant.). He cc'ed my mom on all this because she had been visiting this weekend and is immunocompromised from chemo. Her blood counts are seriously low, so that is pulling out the big guns.
I knew immediately (because I watched how green he turned during his blood draw) what was wrong and that he was not sick. He had no clue in the moment. By evening he was fine though, and sheepishly admitted the needle stick was probably all it was. He still insists he'll be fine with L&D, but I need him to actually be fine in the moment, not sheepishly admit later that it got to him and that's why he punked out. KWIM?
I told him that if one of my college BFFs lived closer, I wouldn't need a doula and would ask her. She had a baby ~6 months ago, totally would not be squeamish about it, and is the kind of calming, strong, take charge person I would want on my side in the moment. He was a lot more ok with the idea of her there. She lives 3 hours away, so I'm not sure it's feasible, but I'm going to think harder on how I can transition his acceptance of that idea to something more logistically feasible.
The hospital we delivered at has a doula program, which was not only less expensive than an independent doula, but also meant that all of the doctors knew them and they had rights to be able to go into the OR with us if I needed a csection for some reason. I was planning on (and did have) a med free labor.
This was my third baby, and my labor was really fast, so she wasn't there for long, but our doula was incredibly helpful. DH is a great support, and I love him, but even though this was our third rodeo, he still had a hard time seeing me in pain and knowing what to do about it without me telling him (which, hello, I can't explain crap if I'm screaming in pain!). She was great at telling me (and him) what to do to get the baby out. Since you're the one going through the actual labor, I really think he needs to put the ego aside, especially since he has no idea what to expect. I'm sorry :/
I 100% agree with lynn07 - this is not about his ego, it's about your need for a certain level of support during labour and birth.
Maybe do some research on doulas in the area, and get references not only from the mothers, but the fathers too. I'd also try approaching it less from a "I'm concerned about your ability to support me due to your medical fears" and more from a I'm a first time mom and this is a case where more really is more. KWIM?
Susie (I'm totally creeping on this board in anticipation of TTC this summer). We had a doula with DD's birth, and even though it ended up with a Pitocin/ epidural induction, having her there was THE BEST THING. Tell Calvin this: at some point he will need to pee. He will need to eat. He will need to step out of the room and regain his sanity for a few moments. The doula was my support during that time period. Basically, our doula's job was to keep my H out of trouble. She was worth every single penny and more. We were able to FLEX her $609 fee.
Post by pinkpeony08 on Apr 23, 2015 20:11:47 GMT -5
I had a doula (the same one) with both of my deliveries. My second was just born a little more than 2 weeks ago. I thought my doula was invaluable. She came to my house in the middle of the night both times, helped me to determine when to go to the hospital, was super supportive and helpful to my husband (basically helped him to help me as well as allowed him to shower, eat, etc). This last delivery, I got stuck in transition for 4 hours. I had a med-free delivery and that 4 hours was really challenging. She was extremely supportive and allowed my husband to take a brief nap so he could come back recharged to help me. My husband tells people all the time that they should get a doula. He never felt at all like she was replacing him.
If nothing else, maybe you could show him the research that shows how having a doula drastically reduces interventions? Would that tactic work better?
I'm so torn on my doula experience because I felt like it was a lot of money for what ended up being only two hours of hands on time (we were supposed to have two or three follow up visits but she went MIA afterwards) but I was grateful that just meeting with her and going to natural birth classes with my husband during my pregnancy really helped prepare my husband and I for what was ahead.
I ended up getting an epidural anyway but she did help me advocate for myself at the hospital, including making sure the doctor didn't cut the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating.
I'm sure I would have gotten more care had I had a longer labor but my son came so fast (which was great actually). I decided not to get one this time around.
How about a childbirth class? And FWIW I don't remember seeing a needle when I got my epidural so your husband may not see it either.
Post by Velar Fricative on Apr 24, 2015 12:08:29 GMT -5
We hired a doula for DD's birth. She was recommended by a friend of a friend. She was actually busy running her doula company and hadn't taken clients for a while (but had extensive experience), but she happened to be free that September I was due because of family visiting her that month and since I was very local, she was willing to take me on. Because of that, she offered me a significant discount from her going rate...but she still cost $1700.
She was very helpful before the birth (came over a few times) and helpful during the birth. However, I wouldn't say she was worth such a high cost, even though I would say that's not really her fault. I really expected a spontaneous, med-free birth. I had to be induced 10 days after my due date and while it was wonderful having her there for the looooong induction process, it came at too high a cost given that I went straight to the drugs and I couldn't actually use any of the pain relief tips she had given me.
DH wasn't on board but when he met her he was on board. He was worried that she'd be too anti-meds but she wasn't; she feels drugs have their place, and c-sections have their place, and is all about informed decision-making, which did make me feel better since I didn't want someone who would make me feel guilty about getting an epidural if I ended up wanting to (and I did), etc.
My OB was fine with it. My doula attended many births at this hospital so they knew each other and she knew many of the nurses too. She wasn't pushy towards staff at all and pretty much just focused on me and DH.
We will not be hiring her or another doula this time around because 1) I know what to expect for the most part, 2) I just have a gut feeling I'll be induced again, and 3) I do not have a goal for a med-free birth this time even if I have a spontaneous labor; it would be nice if it happens, but I'm not aiming for it.
I'm so torn on my doula experience because I felt like it was a lot of money for what ended up being only two hours of hands on time (we were supposed to have two or three follow up visits but she went MIA afterwards) but I was grateful that just meeting with her and going to natural birth classes with my husband during my pregnancy really helped prepare my husband and I for what was ahead.
I ended up getting an epidural anyway but she did help me advocate for myself at the hospital, including making sure the doctor didn't cut the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating.
I'm sure I would have gotten more care had I had a longer labor but my son came so fast (which was great actually). I decided not to get one this time around.
How about a childbirth class? And FWIW I don't remember seeing a needle when I got my epidural so your husband may not see it either.
My worries about Calvin are a little more broad than just needles, unfortunately. I crashed on my bike and wound up in the ER a couple years ago, and they kept offering me morphine to help me with the pain while they addressed my injuries. I kept declining, and eventually Calvin told me either I needed to let them give it to me or he needed it to stand watching. I was never in real danger, no head injuries etc. (thank you helmet!), but he called his best friend to come. Fortunately I am good with said best friend and didn't mind him in the room, but I will not want his best friend there for moral support when I'm laboring!
I was thinking I might bring the subject up at my next app't at Upstate, did they encourage/discourage/have any thoughts on having a doula at all? I think my next app't is w/ Dr. Gower. He is the first OB that I'll meet there since my last app't was w/ a NP.
I'm so torn on my doula experience because I felt like it was a lot of money for what ended up being only two hours of hands on time (we were supposed to have two or three follow up visits but she went MIA afterwards) but I was grateful that just meeting with her and going to natural birth classes with my husband during my pregnancy really helped prepare my husband and I for what was ahead.
I ended up getting an epidural anyway but she did help me advocate for myself at the hospital, including making sure the doctor didn't cut the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating.
I'm sure I would have gotten more care had I had a longer labor but my son came so fast (which was great actually). I decided not to get one this time around.
How about a childbirth class? And FWIW I don't remember seeing a needle when I got my epidural so your husband may not see it either.
My worries about Calvin are a little more broad than just needles, unfortunately. I crashed on my bike and wound up in the ER a couple years ago, and they kept offering me morphine to help me with the pain while they addressed my injuries. I kept declining, and eventually Calvin told me either I needed to let them give it to me or he needed it to stand watching. I was never in real danger, no head injuries etc. (thank you helmet!), but he called his best friend to come. Fortunately I am good with said best friend and didn't mind him in the room, but I will not want his best friend there for moral support when I'm laboring!
I was thinking I might bring the subject up at my next app't at Upstate, did they encourage/discourage/have any thoughts on having a doula at all? I think my next app't is w/ Dr. Gower. He is the first OB that I'll meet there since my last app't was w/ a NP.
Oh that's rough. Hopefully the excitement of meeting his baby will be different than seeing you in injury type pain. Has he read any books about childbirth? I think you should have a frank talk with him about how he is not just the father in that moment but your LABOR PARTNER. In that sense I think a doula can help because they are super focused on you and your needs in the moment and don't have any conflicts or agenda.
Before you book one PM me because I sadly went through three doula teams (two agreed to work with me and then had career changes and schedule conflicts pop up). I find them sort of flakey as a profession but maybe that was just my experience. This was before I was with Upstate so I can't speak to how they would react. I'm sure they will be okay with it so long as the person doesn't try to interfere too much.
I did not have a doula for my first labor. It was very long and difficult and ended with me in the OR after the baby was born. It was not the perfect birth that I envisioned at all. There were times that I was so exhausted, I asked my H to make decisions for me (ex: should we go ahead with the epi since I need pitocin?) because I couldn't think clearly, and my OB wouldn't make the decision for me. My H did not have all the info he needed to make the most informed decision, but he had to. He was also alone, caring for our baby while I was under general anesthesia after the birth, not knowing if I was going to be ok. A doula could have provided us a lot of support in those situations.
This time, I'm hiring a doula. I hope that after delivery, I feel like it was a waste of $1,250. That would mean that everything went according to plan and I had an easy labor and delivery. But, on the off-chance that things go off the rails, I will be so grateful to have someone with experience there by our sides.