Worrying about H

[cuddlyevil]

{{{HUG}}}

This is the hard part because it's not really your problem right now. It's his problem, he has to figure this out on his own. The best thing you can do is to tell him just what you did and leave it there.

[doglove]

It's hard because you have no control over him. This phase is probably the hardest. Just try to get through each day and do things to take care of yourself.

[MyName]

This is one of the hardest parts, especially when you are used to worrying about him all the time (I don't know if that's the case, but it was for me). This is a great opportunity to work on yourselves as individuals - you putting yourself and DD first, not taking on his problems and fixing them for him, and him being an adult and taking the steps needed to secure basic necessities like a place to live.

[Deleted]

You have to get used to the idea that he's not your problem anymore. Please do your best to ignore his manipulative "we will be back together" comments.

[cuddlyevil]

It's okay to be hopeful and hurting at this stage, especially where there is no definitive direction. But it's still putting unnecessary pressure on you--he may not have intended it, but it did because here you are upset/worried about him.

One of your issues was him following through, yes? This is another one of those things you need to watch from the outside. However it works out (him making a plan and getting a place, even for 6 months or him losing the place and ending up in a crapshack) are on him but will be an indicator of whether or not he's actually making the changes you need to see.

[1confused1]

Apr 23, 2015 13:19:35 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

It's okay to be hopeful and hurting at this stage, especially where there is no definitive direction. But it's still putting unnecessary pressure on you--he may not have intended it, but it did because here you are upset/worried about him.

One of your issues was him following through, yes? This is another one of those things you need to watch from the outside. However it works out (him making a plan and getting a place, even for 6 months or him losing the place and ending up in a crapshack) are on him but will be an indicator of whether or not he's actually making the changes you need to see.

So many hugs.  And ditto all of this.

My xh lived in a motel for the first 5 months after we separated.  It was so far from ideal and he had other options, but I had to let him figure it out on his own.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 23, 2015 12:55:50 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Apr 23, 2015 12:30:42 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

You have to get used to the idea that he's not your problem anymore. Please do your best to ignore his manipulative "we will be back together" comments.

I don't think he's being manipulative at all.  I think he's hurting and hopeful that we will work things out.  I don't know that we won't, but it's too soon to tell anything.  I agree, though, that he needs to make plans, etc.  I just know how paralyzed he gets when he is going through something emotional and I'm sensitive to that.

take this from someone who has been there, survived that ....

he IS being manipulative. you have to let him do his own 'thing' and NOT worry about him. my xh was hopeful that rehab would give him 'his family back' and when he completed rehab that wasn't the case at all and he had HUGE problems w/ that (ultimately it triggered his relapse post rehab). this wasn't my problem and while it caused his further downward spiral, i knew that this was something that wasn't my responsibility and it wasn't something i could control. he's an adult, he can take care of himself.

GL .. stay strong and it will get easier as time goes on .....

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2015 12:55:50 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Apr 23, 2015 12:30:42 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

You have to get used to the idea that he's not your problem anymore. Please do your best to ignore his manipulative "we will be back together" comments.

I don't think he's being manipulative at all.  I think he's hurting and hopeful that we will work things out.  I don't know that we won't, but it's too soon to tell anything.  I agree, though, that he needs to make plans, etc.  I just know how paralyzed he gets when he is going through something emotional and I'm sensitive to that.

I'm on my way out of work, but I'll reply to this later.

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2015 12:55:50 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Apr 23, 2015 12:30:42 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

You have to get used to the idea that he's not your problem anymore. Please do your best to ignore his manipulative "we will be back together" comments.

I don't think he's being manipulative at all.  I think he's hurting and hopeful that we will work things out.  I don't know that we won't, but it's too soon to tell anything.  I agree, though, that he needs to make plans, etc.  I just know how paralyzed he gets when he is going through something emotional and I'm sensitive to that.

I, like pinkdutchtulips, have dealt with a manipulative xh. I'm not trying to be negative, but simply tell you what I see (from your post) as an outsider.  Although you may not see it because you feel sorry for him, he is being manipulative. You said yourself that it's a lot of pressure and you don't want want to make a huge decision based on a lease.  
Agreeing to counseling is one thing, feeling bad about him having no plan of where to live as of July is another.  He wants you to feel bad and just say ok let's get back together. 
If you choose to get back together because you have worked things out, that's great.  But don't choose it based on feeling bad if issues are not resolved.  The issues will just come back..and then some. 
I broke up with xh before we were married.  I made him move out, he rented a room in an apartment with strange roommates.  He didn't even have a bed.  He ran guilt trips and manipulated me into thinking he would change and I felt bad.  We got back together, got engaged shortly after and then married within a few months and 9 months later I filed for divorce. At that point I didn't give a fuck if he lived in the street.  I moved out and the landlord didn't renew his lease. 
Not everyone is the same, but I wouldn't want someone to make the wrong choice because they have a good heart. I wish you all the best.

[glitzyglow]

There is so much weight that comes from worrying about someone who doesn't seem like they will make good life choices. Letting go will be freeing in more ways than you can imagine. He is a grown man. If he doesn't want to live in a shithole, he won't. He has to learn to live on his own without you swooping in to care for him. If you all do reconcile, you need to know that he doesn't need a caretaker, but can be a partner who can pull his own weight which he can demonstrate through this separation time.

I used to worry so much about my exH. Once I let go of worrying about him, I was really and truly ready to move on. I had coddled him for so long that the amazing freedom of not is still shocking to me. My exH was a grown man, yet he took advantage of my willingness to do everything for him as far as planning and such goes. Amazingly, he figured stuff out when I wasn't willing to do it anymore. The decisions he made are not ones I would have made, but it only showed me more and more who he really was and all the more reason I needed to let him go.

[MyName]

I totally understand where some of the PP's are coming from re: manipulation. My stbx was fucking despicable at the end, but after I left he really suffered. He has texted/called me for the last year to say how sorry he is, he regrets everything, doesn't understand what he was thinking, I'm perfect and he doesn't want to live if he can't make it up to me...everything I wanted to hear fucking 2-3 years ago, but now? Too fucking late, man. I couldn't just cut him out though, so I listened to all is woe is me bullshit, but I was brutally honest and downright mean when I needed to be. You'll find a way to communicate/support him (if that's what you even want), that doesn't make you feel bad - for either taking on too much of his issues and staying in the same cycle, or "abandoning" someone you do care about. But YOU need to feel good about your involvement at the end of the day; that is what matters now.

((hugs))

[MyName]

Apr 23, 2015 19:35:20 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I used to worry so much about my exH. Once I let go of worrying about him, I was really and truly ready to move on. I had coddled him for so long that the amazing freedom of not is still shocking to me. 

OMG, yes.  I will never forget sitting in my new apartment the day I moved in, feeling SO RELIEVED.  "A weight has been lifted" had new meaning - no more worrying about someone else's super dramatic problems or walking on eggshells because his mood or handling EVERYTHING even if it was "not my job".  

[pinkdutchtulips]

Apr 23, 2015 19:49:57 GMT -5 MyName said:

Apr 23, 2015 19:35:20 GMT -5 glitzyglow said:

I used to worry so much about my exH. Once I let go of worrying about him, I was really and truly ready to move on. I had coddled him for so long that the amazing freedom of not is still shocking to me. 

OMG, yes.  I will never forget sitting in my new apartment the day I moved in, feeling SO RELIEVED.  "A weight has been lifted" had new meaning - no more worrying about someone else's super dramatic problems or walking on eggshells because his mood or handling EVERYTHING even if it was "not my job".  

another +1 to the relief factor when I left my Xh

[Deleted]

Apr 23, 2015 20:51:55 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Apr 23, 2015 19:49:57 GMT -5 MyName said:

OMG, yes.  I will never forget sitting in my new apartment the day I moved in, feeling SO RELIEVED.  "A weight has been lifted" had new meaning - no more worrying about someone else's super dramatic problems or walking on eggshells because his mood or handling EVERYTHING even if it was "not my job".  

another +1 to the relief factor when I left my Xh

Third indian.