Handling "wrenches"

[shevacc]

How do you cope with a wrench being thrown into your plans when you're barely finding time to fit everything in? In this case, it's DH's job increasing his travel from twice a year to twice a month. I've had multiple occasions in the last month with DH on business travel where I've had to bow out of meetings, reschedule doctors appointments, etc. I nearly always end up working short days when DH is out of town, none of which is good for my job/career. Anything that works for you? Tips, tricks, commiseration?

This week I took vacation Monday and Tuesday (also to spend time with my parents), worked a short day Wednesday, worked from home yesterday, and would've snuck out early today if DH hadn't caught an early flight home. This afternoon, my manager had to come to talk to me about not submitting my performance review on time. I feel like a really crappy employee right now...I know I do great work when I have time to do it. But I've had to cut so many corners lately that I'm effectively working only about 50-60% of the time when DH is out of town. I just can't figure out any other way to fit everything in.

[artgal84]

When my husband travels my family helps me. I don't know how I'd do it without them. Do you have anyone close by that could help you? Or could you even hire a "mother's helper" to come over and help or fill in the time between bedtime and when you get home? I used to do that for a family down the street from me in high school. I'd even make dinner for them.

His travel increased so much! I'm lucky that DH hardly travels because it's such a pain when he does. Not like pre-kid days where I'd just watch Bravo all night and hang out!

[thedahliharpa]

It's why I'm not rocking the boat with my typically flexible job. I think outsourcing is going to be the only thing that helps in your situation.

[shevacc]

Next month my mom is coming to help. My nanny already regularly works 9 hour days so I don't like asking her to work super late multiple days in a row. Maybe I need a 2nd nanny for these weeks...ugh. Or at this rate I might find myself fired and not need a nanny anymore...

[shevacc]

Apr 24, 2015 21:15:16 GMT -5 pinksapphires said:

It's hard. So hard. And something has to give. If his business travel is less flexible than you bowing out of your meetings and working at 50% then it might have to be a huge sacrifice you have to make.

I lost a promotion this past year because I was working at less than 100% and I know all the time I spent pumping hurt too.

I try to tell myself that all of this is temporary and just have to accept it for what it is. I know it's hard, especially because you just took a new job, but life with two littles is incredibly difficult to manage. It should get easier, and then you'll be able to focus more on your job.

Could R talk to his manager and get his travel reduced? It does seem extremely unfair that your job is the only one that has to suffer.

I'm sorry about your lost promotion. That sucks! DH just got a promotion with a raise equal to half my salary...so I'm torn about asking both of us to suck at our jobs. I might ask if part time is an option in my org, but I hate to even bring it up.

[jg183]

I think id use the nanny more... I think part time could be perfect for you! I hope you find something you are comfortable with

[nilex0102]

Stay at home? At this point I would seriously ask myself whether the stress you are putting on yourself is worth it and whether the kids spare getting enough quality time. I left a pretty well paying job for that exact reason, at least until the kids are a bit older. Part time is an option but honestly not as easy as it sounds. If you can afford to stay home then what are your concerns around that? Pm me if you want to talk... I left my job not too long after a promotion so that was not the issue there.

[onehitwonder]

Wrenches are awful! Just when you think you've got everything in a manageable, if not perfect order...Wam!

Do you know in advance when he will be traveling? If so, I would talk to your current nanny first and see if she is interested. You never know what her situation is. I was reluctant to ask our regular sitter to watch W on Sunday night because she has a day job, but when I finally did, she wanted 3 of the 4 Sunday nights I will need someone this year.

I'm sorry this is such a strain on your career. I keep telling myself that it's only temporary, but I hate the feeling of not being 100%. Good luck with whatever direction you choose.

[Deleted]

I would ask your nanny how she feels about staying a little later on your husbands travel days, no pressure on her. Some nannies really welcome the extra income, and if you can swing it, maybe pay her a little extra, like overtime. If she doesn't want too, maybe she has a nanny friend that would like to come over and help fill the gaps.

I'm sorry you feel so stretched. I'm sure you'll figure out a great solution, but I know how stressful it is to feel like you aren't giving a 100% to work because of family.


This is exactly why we need a commune. I would watch ALL the kids!!

[jsillyfun]

I would probably think about staying at home or going part time in your situation (I'm assuming with dhs raise and no longer needing the nanny you could afford it.) If you want to keep your job as Is I think you probably need a second nanny, although it's worth asking yours if she'd like the extra hours first.

[Deleted]

I would definitely ask your nanny if she can work longer hours or ask about part time work. I know you have such a long commute even when your husband is in town it sounds like exhausting, long days.

Also if you end up quitting or something, don't feel guilty. You are doing a great job trying to balance everything with a tough situation.

[laurack]

It's so hard! My h is plannig to interview for this new job in his company, it would involve more travel and responsibility but would give him a good fixed salary and get him out of telesales. I don't know what to think, beause I want him to succeed and get out of the job he dislikes (and yhe uncertainty of commission pay) yet I can't be a proper employee while he's OOT because of my commute/kids daycare/someone will get sick etc

I'm so sorry you are struggling and I know I would too. The "just stay at home" suggestion I find annoyig because why must I give up my career? Yet I might end up doing it at some point I guess though I think it would make me resentful.

Also the hiring extra help is annoying too- every extra hour at our daycare is $20, that adds up! My take home pay already isn't that much more than daycare for two kids

Anyway sorry for ranting about myself lol. It seems a lot of us working moms struggle with similar situations.

[christidee]

That is a huge increase in travel. I'm sorry. If you live your career, I think you should first talk to your current nanny about extended hours and give her the opportunity to say no, and then hire a second nanny if needed.

[eddy]

I will be the voice of leaning in. If you love your career I would employee more help. Longer nanny hours, made to eat meals, a house cleaner etc.

A year ago I was stressed to the max due to our schedules. I almost took a 50% job and I am SO GRATEFUL I did not. I had a new career opportunity pop up this year. I am so happy I plowed through that tough time and stayed in the game. It was absolutely worth the effort.

[mcburglar]

Careful saying "lean in" eddy! Lol.

I heart you @shevvac. I don't know what I would do if I were you except fight like hell to find some better solutions than you seem to have now.

[creamsiclechica]

This is kind of a different route, but is an au pair an option you could explore? I know it isn't simple to find someone, but maybe having someone actually living with you might alleviate the in between times or the overlap when you're both stretched thin at work and don't want to ask a nanny to stay on longer. It might keep the overall cost of the time you need down and be more reliable overall with the unexpected bumps in the road.

I'm sorry, honey. You have so many things on your plate and trying to navigate more seems impossible. I hope you can find a solution you are comfortable with. Big hugs.

[thedahliharpa]

I've been thinking about this shevacc. If you decide you want to stay home I would still hire help and set a time frame, maybe 3 months, where you kick as much ass as possible before leaving. I wouldn't go out on a low note. This may put you in position to negotiate and I don't think you can do that if you appear unfocused.

[laurack]

Yes an au pair is a good idea actually, do you guys have a lot of room in your house? The cost would be lower so more hours wouldn't cost more probably ...

Ugh it just sucks.

Have you asked work if you could possibly work from home say half the time? I know you haven't been there long though so negotiating is tough.

[jg183]

I agree that you need to outsource more if you can't decrease hours or wfh a few days a week. What can you outsource? Does your nanny want more hours? The au pair is a good suggestion too

[steph196]

The au pair is a great suggestion! I hope you can find something that works for you guys!

PS...I keep reading this post title as "Wench" and it makes me laugh.

[mabillon]

I lean towards agreeing with those suggesting you throw additional resources at the problem, if only because it seems you want to continue your career. You don't have to do it forever and if you change your mind, you can walk it back but that's easier than changing your mind after going PT (or less). Is there any advantage to revisiting your original daycare choices for A? Could that free up nanny time at all and will he be a fun commute buddy? Just a thought, and maybe a bad one, but putting it out there.

[shevacc]

Apr 24, 2015 23:58:37 GMT -5 nilex0102 said:

Stay at home? At this point I would seriously ask myself whether the stress you are putting on yourself is worth it and whether the kids spare getting enough quality time. I left a pretty well paying job for that exact reason, at least until the kids are a bit older. Part time is an option but honestly not as easy as it sounds. If you can afford to stay home then what are your concerns around that? Pm me if you want to talk... I left my job not too long after a promotion so that was not the issue there.

I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure I know what I want. I love my job and get a lot of satisfaction from it when I feel like I'm doing a good job. But obviously the commute is wearing on me and my family. My biggest concern is that choosing to stay home is pretty much giving up on a career in tech. I can't easily go back after taking time off. I'm not ready to stay home for good.

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 6:24:42 GMT -5 @dragonmommy422 said:

I would ask your nanny how she feels about staying a little later on your husbands travel days, no pressure on her. Some nannies really welcome the extra income, and if you can swing it, maybe pay her a little extra, like overtime. If she doesn't want too, maybe she has a nanny friend that would like to come over and help fill the gaps.

I'm sorry you feel so stretched. I'm sure you'll figure out a great solution, but I know how stressful it is to feel like you aren't giving a 100% to work because of family.


This is exactly why we need a commune. I would watch ALL the kids!!

Thank you. This is great advice -- you're right that she might be interested in more hours. Are you sure you don't want to live near Seattle? I know a family in need of a great nanny!

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 10:45:10 GMT -5 laurack said:

It's so hard! My h is plannig to interview for this new job in his company, it would involve more travel and responsibility but would give him a good fixed salary and get him out of telesales. I don't know what to think, beause I want him to succeed and get out of the job he dislikes (and yhe uncertainty of commission pay) yet I can't be a proper employee while he's OOT because of my commute/kids daycare/someone will get sick etc

I'm so sorry you are struggling and I know I would too. The "just stay at home" suggestion I find annoyig because why must I give up my career? Yet I might end up doing it at some point I guess though I think it would make me resentful.

Also the hiring extra help is annoying too- every extra hour at our daycare is $20, that adds up! My take home pay already isn't that much more than daycare for two kids

Anyway sorry for ranting about myself lol. It seems a lot of us working moms struggle with similar situations.

I'm sorry you're struggling too, but it does help to know I'm not alone. I mean my job isn't perfect but it's mine. I don't know if I would rather stay home or work but I do want to feel like it's my choice. I like working and also the adult interaction, plus they pay me for it. I don't like feeling like I might be forced to stay home either from being too crappy of an employee or bc we can't hold it together.

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 12:14:27 GMT -5 eddy said:

I will be the voice of leaning in. If you love your career I would employee more help. Longer nanny hours, made to eat meals, a house cleaner etc.

A year ago I was stressed to the max due to our schedules. I almost took a 50% job and I am SO GRATEFUL I did not. I had a new career opportunity pop up this year. I am so happy I plowed through that tough time and stayed in the game. It was absolutely worth the effort.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. I think if we can survive the next 2 years (and we don't have more kids), I might be able to hang on for the long haul. At least I'm telling myself that...

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 12:16:24 GMT -5 mcburglar said:

Careful saying "lean in" eddy! Lol.

I heart you @shevvac. I don't know what I would do if I were you except fight like hell to find some better solutions than you seem to have now.

I think of you a lot. I don't know that I'm as driven as you, but I do feel like I'm in "fight like hell" mode now. I AM driven enough to want to be proud of the work I do. I'm not there right now and it's SO FRUSTRATING. Some days it would be nice to be able to throw a good toddler tantrum...

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 13:33:23 GMT -5 thedahliharpa said:

I've been thinking about this shevacc. If you decide you want to stay home I would still hire help and set a time frame, maybe 3 months, where you kick as much ass as possible before leaving. I wouldn't go out on a low note. This may put you in position to negotiate and I don't think you can do that if you appear unfocused.

I'm thinking the same thing if it comes to that. I would hate to go out looking like a slacker or just an unproductive worker. Though I don't think it's possible to take time off from a career in tech and come back to it so it might be moot.

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 14:23:20 GMT -5 laurack said:

Yes an au pair is a good idea actually, do you guys have a lot of room in your house? The cost would be lower so more hours wouldn't cost more probably ...

Ugh it just sucks.

Have you asked work if you could possibly work from home say half the time? I know you haven't been there long though so negotiating is tough.

It's hard to negotiate when I'm newish and feeling like a slacker. We might be able to do an au pair, but would also need a nanny since we need so many hours. The challenge with an au pair is training them and managing the relationship takes effort. Since it's a teenager who is living in your home...I seriously looked into it but don't know if I have that amount of time right now even if it would be beneficial in the long term.

[shevacc]

Apr 25, 2015 14:34:01 GMT -5 mabillon said:

I lean towards agreeing with those suggesting you throw additional resources at the problem, if only because it seems you want to continue your career. You don't have to do it forever and if you change your mind, you can walk it back but that's easier than changing your mind after going PT (or less). Is there any advantage to revisiting your original daycare choices for A? Could that free up nanny time at all and will he be a fun commute buddy? Just a thought, and maybe a bad one, but putting it out there.

We've been brainstorming any and all solutions. Even an apartment near work that I could stay in a few nights a week (maybe with A?). And putting him in daycare here. I wish there were an obvious easy fix.

[laurack]

Apr 27, 2015 10:35:01 GMT -5 shevacc said:

Apr 24, 2015 23:58:37 GMT -5 nilex0102 said:

Stay at home? At this point I would seriously ask myself whether the stress you are putting on yourself is worth it and whether the kids spare getting enough quality time. I left a pretty well paying job for that exact reason, at least until the kids are a bit older. Part time is an option but honestly not as easy as it sounds. If you can afford to stay home then what are your concerns around that? Pm me if you want to talk... I left my job not too long after a promotion so that was not the issue there.

I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure I know what I want. I love my job and get a lot of satisfaction from it when I feel like I'm doing a good job. But obviously the commute is wearing on me and my family. My biggest concern is that choosing to stay home is pretty much giving up on a career in tech. I can't easily go back after taking time off. I'm not ready to stay home for good.

yeah this is a big one for me too. I'm a web developer and I feel like it would be difficult to just quit then in a  couple years or whatever pick it back up again... I mean I guess I could? But I'd have to start lower down and make less money probably.. and explain the gap on my resume

Mentally I feel I'd have a hard time remembering anything.

But then sometimes I think, maybe I'd like SAH? i've convinced myself for so long I wouldn't like it.

I wish there was a way to try... like 6 months then i could go back to my job if I wanted with no repercussion. Maternity leave doesn't count becuase you're adjusting to a newborn etc.

hope you guys can figure something out soon.