Post by irishbride2 on Apr 25, 2015 8:38:07 GMT -5
I will preface this with the fact that I generally hate all parenting articles.
This is the first one that actually made me smile. It made me relax and think OMG SOMEONE GETS ME!
But I'm also in the 7th day of being alone with kids. And the thing that bugs me most is that when I went out of town a week ago for work, it was SO stressful because I had to prepare everything and then when H goes out of town he can just pack himself and go.
And h is awesome. AWESOME. And her list of things she does is much smaller than mine because H actually is in charge of much of her list. But in terms of the emotional "MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY" its on me. I related to her story about the kids walking right past H to get help from me when I'm busy, even if he's sitting there saying "HELLO!?!?! Ask me!!" My 5 year old will always double check with me when H tells her she can do something...even though we keep telling her she doesn't need to. Its draining.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 25, 2015 8:53:05 GMT -5
Oh it's not like that. H stays with the kids just fine. He's great. He's probably better at handling the stress of being the only parent home than I am.
But as the one who generally organizes things like after school and the like (because of he timing of our work schedules) I had to get all that prepared because he would have no clue.
Where as he thing he is in charge of that I have no clue about are things that could wait a week so he can go out of town with no stress.
I guess we do a really good job splitting roles because neither of us is the default parent. There are some things that each of us typically do, and I certainly do a lot more during the day while I'm at home with them, but he does a lot of the stuff she listed.
Post by CallingAllAngels on Apr 25, 2015 9:01:01 GMT -5
My DD's school is 20 minutes from home, but close to my work. H works 30 minutes from in the opposite direction, so I always do pick up and drop off (and for DS too, whose school is 2 minutes from home, but that's a different story) and have for 7 years.
H's next project might be 5 minutes from DD's school. My reaction to this was, "yay! Maybe you can pick her up now, so I don't have to run out of work everyday as soon as the clock hits 5pm!" He looked at me like I had three heads.
We both work full-time, and he is a consultant who can pretty much make his own hours. I'm definitely the default parent. He has to be told to do things; he doesn't just think of them like I do. He's not always juggling schedules of soccer practices, birthday parties, etc in his mind like I am. I would love to change this, but I don't how to change how he thinks.
I'm going to pay closer attention to see if the kids come to me over MH when we are both home. I think it's pretty equal. Obviously though - I am home much more frequently than he is. And I do handle all of the logistics and their schedules but that is something I consider my job since I am a SAHM.
The out of town thing is funny because it's the same here. But when my husband is out of town, I don't do his work or go to his job for him. However, when I am out of town, he has to do my job. I would probably find this less amusing if I also had a regular job...
I'm going to pay closer attention to see if the kids come to me over MH when we are both home. I think it's pretty equal. Obviously though - I am home much more frequently than he is. And I do handle all of the logistics and their schedules but that is something I consider my job since I am a SAHM.
The out of town thing is funny because it's the same here. But when my husband is out of town, I don't do his work or go to his job for him. However, when I am out of town, he has to do my job. I would probably find this less amusing if I also had a regular job...
But the fact you see it as him doing your job if you're out of town kind of means your the default parent, no?
ETA - I think Cyrus's rant about motherhood not being a 'job' would fit well here
No I mean the logistical stuff like getting the kids to and from school. That is actually my job as the SAHP not simply because I am the mother. I'm referring to all the things I do daily while MH is at work, things we've agreed are my job. I don't have to leave detailed instructions for the time period MH is typically not at work because we both take care of that stuff, but the stuff I do daily that he is not part of because he is typically at his job is what he needs to be told to do.
I probably am the default parent in many ways, but I am also a SAHP which means a lot of these things are, in fact, my actual job and my responsibility.
I mean, why would he be regularly having school drop off and pick up on his mind when he never does it because I'm a SAHP? If I also had a regular job, this might annoy me depending on how our schedules were but as SAHP, many of these things really are my responsibility and my job.
I am the default parent, I'm a SAHM by choice so some what expected but yes it is exhausting. For example last summer we had gone swimming and were going to the ILs for dinner I got DD abd I washed and mostly dressed but needed to dry my hair so asked DH to get her dressed and in the car. He didn't put shoes on her because I didnt specify shoes. Or how I am the one who has to make/order DD's dinner or ask him to do it. Drives me crazy.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 25, 2015 9:24:33 GMT -5
Yeah it would be different if we both didn't work the same number of hours.
The issue (which is not hai fault) is the timing of our hours. I work 7:30-4.
He works (generally) 10-6 or later. Our kids start bedtime about 30 min after he gets home. He has a ton of flexibility during the day (I have none). So he does do a lot that I don't. Like if a kid gets sick he is in charge and handles doctors and the like.
But for the most part because of schedules I'm the one handling after school and meals and such and because I'm around more the kids default to me even when he tries to prevent it. It's not hai fault at all. He is fantastic. It's still exhausting to be the default. I'm nervous for when homework starts because that's going to be mostly on me.
Oh one area where I am definitely the default parent is getting the kids ready which drives me crazy but is definitely my own fault because I am the one who does all the clothes shopping, has all the preferences on what they wear and how they dress/look. I enjoy many aspects of it so it's really a situation I created and continue to perpetuate. It still makes me crazy when I'm trying to get all of us out the door.
This article definitely fits me. I'm a SAHM and DS is just used to asking me for everything. When DH is home he'll walk right past him and into the bathroom to ask me for a drink or to fetch something. And of course all the fits are thrown with me and when DH gets home DS turns into a magical angel child that's lovey and so excited to see him.
We are trying to make the shift. I now have a more demanding job then him. It has been satisfying to watch him realize how much I did. I mean he has always been involved but serving as the parent who takes off work, picks up etc has been a good lesson for him.
Oh one area where I am definitely the default parent is getting the kids ready which drives me crazy but is definitely my own fault because I am the one who does all the clothes shopping, has all the preferences on what they wear and how they dress/look. I enjoy many aspects of it so it's really a situation I created and continue to perpetuate. It still makes me crazy when I'm trying to get all of us out the door.
I'm like this, too. DH picks out things that are inappropriate to the activity/occasion (like a nice church-type dress to go dog walking on the trails) but he is good about getting her dressed in whatever I suggest. I do try to be less specific unless she needs to wear a particular outfit and organize her closet/dresser to help because I want him to do as much as possible.
It drives me bananas that he can't figure out how to do her hair. How can one not know how to use a rubber band?
The biggest thing that bothers me is something she touched on: he has NO IDEA about the things I do to keep life running smoothly. It's hard to explain but her example of switching over closets was a perfect one. That's not a quick chore at all and it's one that my DH just doesn't get because we don't do that with our own closets.
We only have one kid, though, so if I'm OOT or whatever, I just let him figure it out for the most part. I have friends that will cook meals in advance and do all that if they are going to be away. I don't do that. DH doesn't really cook but he can certainly make sure our child is fed without my help.
My kid will be 10 weeks old Monday, and I am already the default parent. My husband is good at taking care of the baby in a lot of ways but he is not good at puttin his own needs aside. I'm pretty sure he hasn't yet eaten a cold or one-handed meal.
He will be the SAHP and I am going back to work Wed, so we'll see how it goes. He will definitely be good at handling stuff like doctor's appts. I am generally the scheduler and organizer of the house though.
I mean, I guess I'm the default parent for most things because I SAH, but my husband is the default parent for emotional needs for our six year old. She absolutely prefers him over me, and I'm 100% sure it's because of the time he was a SAHD with her when she was in preschool and first started making memories. They are still super close, and when he gets home from work, it is the best time of her day. I am definitely the default parent during the day because I'm the only one here 5 days a week, but my husband pulls his own weight most of the time when he is actually home (which, on the weekdays, isn't much because he's gone from 9AM to almost 8PM). I think staying at home for a little over a year certainly changed how he viewed everything and how he reacts. I guess what I'm saying is that yes, I'm the default parent most of the time out of necessity, but my kids will certainly pass me over when daddy is actually home from work and still look for him for certain things when he is not. It's nice. I don't see it as him doing 'my' job but him pulling his own weight.
To this I say, it doesn't matter. We both work full-time. I am still the default parent. I drop off both kids every morning. I act as the shuttle to pick up the oldest kid every afternoon. If I can't get the oldest kid, I work out the logistics to ensure she gets home. I take the oldest kid to dance class. I take off when the kids are sick. I get them to doctor's appointments. My H has only gone to the dr ONCE with the kids. One time. So he has no idea where to go or even who the dr is.
And like the blogger, I don't resent him because he does other stuff very well. He's the one who cleans around the house. He has pick up duty for the second kid everyday and doesn't complain about it. But, I'm the one who gets a zillion questions and gets followed around the house.
I've had a long week. I'm exhausted. Last night, I wanted to retreat in my room and chill. NO. There's a small human chasing me about the house. Why, because I'm the default parent.
Post by litebright on Apr 25, 2015 10:28:13 GMT -5
Totally the default parent. I was OOT last week for a business trip (I WAH PT as well) and while DH handles all the big stuff just fine, little things (like all the library books getting returned, and they skipped music class because it was optional) fell through the cracks. I mean, sometimes the library books don't all make it into backpacks when I'm running the show, too, but it's far less likely because I know the routine much better than he does.
Hey, somebody has to do it. DH is the default for a lot of things around here including bill paying, laundry folding, etc. The thing is, we both know that if either of us had to, we could pick up/learn what the other one does and be completely competent at it once we got past the learning curve.
I was a SAHM for five years and definitely the default parent then, and I WAH PT in part because I AM the default parent for pick-ups, drop-offs, activity sign ups and transportation, etc. (except soccer, DH coaches DD1's team and handles all that stuff while I tag along). It is so much easier to balance that stuff when one of us is not working a traditional 40+ hour week (or in DH's case, more like a 50-60 hour week) -- we have no family nearby to help out on early release days, testing days or holidays when kids are off but it's not a work day off, etc. and so we have to be able to juggle all of that ourselves.
But it was a little nice to be gone for several days last week and feel like yeah, my kids take me less for granted now that I'm back, and DH had the unenviable task of juggling his FT job with kid schedules. Which he would have to do far more often if I worked FT as well.
The biggest thing that bothers me is something she touched on: he has NO IDEA about the things I do to keep life running smoothly. It's hard to explain but her example of switching over closets was a perfect one. That's not a quick chore at all and it's one that my DH just doesn't get because we don't do that with our own closets.
We only have one kid, though, so if I'm OOT or whatever, I just let him figure it out for the most part. I have friends that will cook meals in advance and do all that if they are going to be away. I don't do that. DH doesn't really cook but he can certainly make sure our child is fed without my help.
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I've been traveling a lot this past year for work. Each time that my H is left with the kids, I hear "I just want to tell you how much I appreciate what you do." Last week, he told me that he has no idea how I juggle all of these things. I don't either, but it just has to get done. All I ask is that on Saturday morning that no one bugs me so that I can sleep in.
As much as I love my running group, I don't make Saturday group runs because I need to sleep. I'll catch those lovely ladies on Mondays! I'm on countdown for the end of the school year because I'm exhausted from the incessant ripping and running entailing children.
I don't think either of us is the default. DH and I split tasks equally and I have no concerns about him caring for the kids when I am gone. Emotionally we are pretty equal. It switches back and forth and it will be interesting to see how it changes as they grow.
To this I say, it doesn't matter. We both work full-time. I am still the default parent. I drop off both kids every morning. I act as the shuttle to pick up the oldest kid every afternoon. If I can't get the oldest kid, I work out the logistics to ensure she gets home. I take the oldest kid to dance class. I take off when the kids are sick. I get them to doctor's appointments. My H has only gone to the dr ONCE with the kids. One time. So he has no idea where to go or even who the dr is.
And like the blogger, I don't resent him because he does other stuff very well. He's the one who cleans around the house. He has pick up duty for the second kid everyday and doesn't complain about it. But, I'm the one who gets a zillion questions and gets followed around the house.
I've had a long week. I'm exhausted. Last night, I wanted to retreat in my room and chill. NO. There's a small human chasing me about the house. Why, because I'm the default parent.
You quoted me but I'm not sure I understand your point. That's probably because my point was not clear either.
I don't think it's a surprise at all that a parent that is home more than another parent would become the default parent. That seems hardly blog worthy (when has that ever stopped bloggers though?).
More relevant to the discussion is parents who are equals in time at work but one still becomes the default parent--as you describe yourself and as I would describe my marriage too. I'm more interested in how and why this happens.
To this I say, it doesn't matter. We both work full-time. I am still the default parent. I drop off both kids every morning. I act as the shuttle to pick up the oldest kid every afternoon. If I can't get the oldest kid, I work out the logistics to ensure she gets home. I take the oldest kid to dance class. I take off when the kids are sick. I get them to doctor's appointments. My H has only gone to the dr ONCE with the kids. One time. So he has no idea where to go or even who the dr is.
And like the blogger, I don't resent him because he does other stuff very well. He's the one who cleans around the house. He has pick up duty for the second kid everyday and doesn't complain about it. But, I'm the one who gets a zillion questions and gets followed around the house.
I've had a long week. I'm exhausted. Last night, I wanted to retreat in my room and chill. NO. There's a small human chasing me about the house. Why, because I'm the default parent.
You quoted me but I'm not sure I understand your point. That's probably because my point was not clear either.
I don't think it's a surprise at all that a parent that is home more than another parent would become the default parent. That seems hardly blog worthy (when has that ever stopped bloggers though?).
More relevant to the discussion is parents who are equals in time at work but one still becomes the default parent--as you describe yourself and as I would describe my marriage too. I'm more interested in how and why this happens.
Because you seemed to imply that working from home part-time is the why of how she became the default parent. That's why I said that it doesn't matter if she worked from home part time. I work full time and yet, I too am the default parent.
As to your latter point, I don't know why this is the case. My H has never played into "well you're the mom, so you do it" role that others have complained about. I think that it may be how kids gravitate to parents.
Post by crazycakes on Apr 25, 2015 11:05:51 GMT -5
I have been really resentful of being the default parent lately, and I don't know how to change it. I work full time, but I work from home and have a much more flexible schedule than DH (he's a restaurant manager), so it always falls on me to do the heavy lifting. Doctors appointments, taking DD to gymnastics class, dinner/bath/ bedtime every night, most of the housework, laundry, making sure bills are paid...it's mostly on me. DH will "help" if I ask him to do specific tasks but it rarely occurs to him to do something unless I point it out. And he seems to think that this is the way it should be because of my schedule, even though I work too. I just have to figure out how to get everything done. It's frustrating.
I have been really resentful of being the default parent lately, and I don't know how to change it. I work full time, but I work from home and have a much more flexible schedule than DH (he's a restaurant manager), so it always falls on me to do the heavy lifting. Doctors appointments, taking DD to gymnastics class, dinner/bath/ bedtime every night, most of the housework, laundry, making sure bills are paid...it's mostly on me. DH will "help" if I ask him to do specific tasks but it rarely occurs to him to do something unless I point it out. And he seems to think that this is the way it should be because of my schedule, even though I work too. I just have to figure out how to get everything done. It's frustrating.
I don't have any advice about how to change your DH's attitude but try sitting down with him and coming up with specific tasks for which he is solely responsible.
I mostly SAH and DH works crazy hours but he does have specific jobs that are only his. Not all are kid-related but they are related to the overall running of our house and family. He is responsible for dealing with our cars, other than me calling to schedule routine service on mine, he is responsible for the dogs, he is in charge of keeping the playroom picked up (that one is my favorite), and he is in charge of gardening with DD. Oh, and trash.
There's no default parent for us. We have the exact same schedule. Two kids. I drop off. He picks up. He gets them breakfast. I get them dressed. I do grocery shopping and cooking. He mows the lawn and cleans. The kids come to whoever is available/closest.
I think I would probably be pretty stressed as default parent.
If I don't know who the default parent is, does that mean my husband is the default parent? Or are my kids just too young for this (1 and 3)?
I mean, I work part time and MH has a more demanding career, but I still feel like life would function just fine without me. Our philosophy has always been that I'm parenting 100% when I'm alone with the kids, but we're 50/50 when he's home. I'm definitely the more efficient parent, but the kids are fine with him or me.
I'm definitely the default. Sometimes I feel H doesn't even try to ease the load. Despite me working more hours.
Like guys' nights- when he goes, he goes. Tonight I'm going to a GTG and he's asking if I can take one of the boys and he needs/wants dinner before I go because there is no way he can cook and watch the kids.
I feel annoyed on your behalf. I'd tell him tough shit, that's what convenience food is for. He can go buy a frozen pizza or some boxed mac&cheese.