Would this hurt your feelings?

[Deleted]

Apr 26, 2015 22:54:28 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Correct. She's absolutely wonderful and I guarantee you she will make a show of me at the party (if it's just for her). She will go on and on about how much I volunteer and how hard I've worked and how proud she is of me for graduating and this night is for us.

Apr 26, 2015 22:59:20 GMT -5 @bigreddog said:

Does she go out of her way to throw parties or host events for other people? Maybe she did someone's shower or birthday and it was their idea to return the favor and host a party for her. It's still shitty if they did this and didn't include you as a guest of honor.

This has happened to me before.  Sort of.  Co-workers surprised me with cupcakes and drinks and fanfare at midnight during a work retreat one year, and I pulled up my friend to the front of the room with me because her birthday was that day, too.

It's not that my co-workers like this friend any less, but I was the one who always planned parties, showers, lunches, happy hours, etc.  The person who puts herself out there more is simply more likely to be recognized.

Thus, while you wouldn't be wrong to feel hurt, this would be a reasonable explanation if your friend is more like me, and you are more like my friend whom I pulled up to share the spotlight with me.

[mcmel]

Apr 26, 2015 23:27:54 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

If it's not some ill-conceived attempt at a joint surprise party ... Is she single? Not that it's an excuse, but I wonder if they feel like you're "covered," like your H will do something for you? I can see that - if you're not with them as often, they may feel like you have another facet of your life that doesn't require their stepping up for this occasion? Idk. My feelings would be hurt as well at this point, in any case.

This may be true.

[mcmel]

Apr 26, 2015 23:29:09 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

Apr 26, 2015 22:54:28 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Correct. She's absolutely wonderful and I guarantee you she will make a show of me at the party (if it's just for her). She will go on and on about how much I volunteer and how hard I've worked and how proud she is of me for graduating and this night is for us.

Apr 26, 2015 22:59:20 GMT -5 @bigreddog said:

Does she go out of her way to throw parties or host events for other people? Maybe she did someone's shower or birthday and it was their idea to return the favor and host a party for her. It's still shitty if they did this and didn't include you as a guest of honor.

This has happened to me before.  Sort of.  Co-workers surprised me with cupcakes and drinks and fanfare at midnight during a work retreat one year, and I pulled up my friend to the front of the room with me because her birthday was that day, too.

It's not that my co-workers like this friend any less, but I was the one who always planned parties, showers, lunches, happy hours, etc.  The person who puts herself out there more is simply more likely to be recognized.

Thus, while you wouldn't be wrong to feel hurt, this would be a reasonable explanation if your friend is more like me, and you are more like my friend whom I pulled up to share the spotlight with me.

This is probably what's happening.

It'll all be okay in the end. I'm graduating and that's all that matters.

Thanks, guys. You're the best.

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm not sensitive, but this would hurt my feelings.

But is it possible this party is for you too and they're using this as a way to get you there? ETA - I see this has been covered. I really hope this is the case.

[Deleted]

Yes

[ECB]

Apr 26, 2015 23:33:01 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Apr 26, 2015 23:27:54 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

If it's not some ill-conceived attempt at a joint surprise party ... Is she single? Not that it's an excuse, but I wonder if they feel like you're "covered," like your H will do something for you? I can see that - if you're not with them as often, they may feel like you have another facet of your life that doesn't require their stepping up for this occasion? Idk. My feelings would be hurt as well at this point, in any case.

This may be true.

You say this "may" be true - so that tells me she is single. 

At face value, yes, I'd be hurt.  But I think you've got to look past yourself on this.  If your friend is single and doesn't have an SO to do something like this for her, then it makes a lot more sense that your other friends are stepping up and doing this. 

For my married friends, never ever would I think to take it upon myself to throw them a special party.  I'd absolutely assume their DH would do something for them.  And in the reverse, I'd find it really weird for someone to try and throw my DH a party. 

You've mentioned your friend being upset for you at her party, and how if your DH were there, you wouldn't want it to be a pity party.  Well- you have a lot of control over that.  At this party, if it's in fact really only for your friend, assure her up and down that everything is fine.  You think it's great they threw this for her.  And "oh my, don't be upset for me!  DH and I have plans to celebrate!" (whether it's true or not).   Smile and be happy for her.  Genuinely happy for HER.   She deserves that. 

Don't let your insecurities w/ friendships rule you here.  There is more to this than you specifically.  Try to step back and see that.  Don't let her party become about you.  That's not fair to her. 

(And please know, I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that I've seen this in action before and it kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you let your insecurities dictate your actions, then you become "that person" that people get tired of having to pander to in order to make sure your feelings aren't hurt. and then they stop wanting to hang out with you.  And so on. )

[shamrockshake]

yes I would be hurt, I am sorry.

I do agree that a big part of it could be that you are married and they expect your H to do something for you

[kaybee85]

Apr 27, 2015 7:00:29 GMT -5 ECB said:

Apr 26, 2015 23:33:01 GMT -5 mcmel said:

This may be true.

You say this "may" be true - so that tells me she is single. 

At face value, yes, I'd be hurt.  But I think you've got to look past yourself on this.  If your friend is single and doesn't have an SO to do something like this for her, then it makes a lot more sense that your other friends are stepping up and doing this. 

For my married friends, never ever would I think to take it upon myself to throw them a special party.  I'd absolutely assume their DH would do something for them.  And in the reverse, I'd find it really weird for someone to try and throw my DH a party. 

You've mentioned your friend being upset for you at her party, and how if your DH were there, you wouldn't want it to be a pity party.  Well- you have a lot of control over that.  At this party, if it's in fact really only for your friend, assure her up and down that everything is fine.  You think it's great they threw this for her.  And "oh my, don't be upset for me!  DH and I have plans to celebrate!" (whether it's true or not).   Smile and be happy for her.  Genuinely happy for HER.   She deserves that. 

Don't let your insecurities w/ friendships rule you here.  There is more to this than you specifically.  Try to step back and see that.  Don't let her party become about you.  That's not fair to her. 

(And please know, I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that I've seen this in action before and it kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you let your insecurities dictate your actions, then you become "that person" that people get tired of having to pander to in order to make sure your feelings aren't hurt. and then they stop wanting to hang out with you.  And so on. )

It would hurt my feelings, but read the above a few times before the party to psych yourself up. 

[Saint Monica]

mcmel

What are you graduating with

&

[penelope]

My feelings would be hurt as well. And I would bring my H for sure, his support would be needed.

[irishbride2]

Apr 27, 2015 7:00:29 GMT -5 ECB said:

Apr 26, 2015 23:33:01 GMT -5 mcmel said:

This may be true.

You say this "may" be true - so that tells me she is single. 

At face value, yes, I'd be hurt.  But I think you've got to look past yourself on this.  If your friend is single and doesn't have an SO to do something like this for her, then it makes a lot more sense that your other friends are stepping up and doing this. 

For my married friends, never ever would I think to take it upon myself to throw them a special party.  I'd absolutely assume their DH would do something for them.  And in the reverse, I'd find it really weird for someone to try and throw my DH a party. 

You've mentioned your friend being upset for you at her party, and how if your DH were there, you wouldn't want it to be a pity party.  Well- you have a lot of control over that.  At this party, if it's in fact really only for your friend, assure her up and down that everything is fine.  You think it's great they threw this for her.  And "oh my, don't be upset for me!  DH and I have plans to celebrate!" (whether it's true or not).   Smile and be happy for her.  Genuinely happy for HER.   She deserves that. 

Don't let your insecurities w/ friendships rule you here.  There is more to this than you specifically.  Try to step back and see that.  Don't let her party become about you.  That's not fair to her. 

(And please know, I'm not trying to be harsh. It's just that I've seen this in action before and it kind of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If you let your insecurities dictate your actions, then you become "that person" that people get tired of having to pander to in order to make sure your feelings aren't hurt. and then they stop wanting to hang out with you.  And so on. )

When I read the OP, my reaction was that I would be really hurt.

But then I read this and I agree. I would think it was really weird if one of H's friends threw him a grad party. And I'm in a place now where my close knit group are all married, so I didn't really think about it. But back when some were not, the group definitely took on that roll and did things for the single ones (like a birthday party) that the spouses of the other women did for them. 

[auntie]

I'd be hurt.

But I wonder, could this be a function of a difference in marital/family status. Could it be they're stepping up for your friend because she doesn't have a SO or DH who could/should arrange a celebration of some sort?

I have an adult niece who used to live with me. In her group of friends, birthdays are a huge deal. The girls plan the ones for the single friends and the DHs tend to make the arrangements for the married ones. Everybody gets invited to both and they still split the check- it's just planned differently.

[mcmel]

You guys are right. Thanks for making me feel better. I know that H has plans for us so that's probably how they feel too.

[justemily]

Yes, my feelings would definitely be hurt.

I hope it all turns out for the best - and in the end, what matters is you're graduating and that's something to be SO proud of!

[lookingup]

Apr 26, 2015 22:54:28 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Apr 26, 2015 22:50:53 GMT -5 RoxMonster said:

And if it turns out that they ARE actually being really shitty and not throwing you a surprise party too, I'd ask best friend to go out the next weekend and do something really fun just the two of you to celebrate your graduations and screw the rest of them. (As I understand it, best friend would not be acting shitty because she is unaware this is all going down at all, correct?)

Correct. She's absolutely wonderful and I guarantee you she will make a show of me at the party (if it's just for her). She will go on and on about how much I volunteer and how hard I've worked and how proud she is of me for graduating and this night is for us.

Honestly, I think this is a weird expectation to have for someone at a party in that person's honor. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but you are the only person you can control in this situation, and it seems that you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. You'll likely be happier with this situation if you deal with just the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly- this is a surprise party for your good friend in celebration of her graduation. Go to her party and be happy for her without expecting her to shift the focus to you.

[themysteriouswife]

I'm butt hurt over my co-worker getting a surprise baby shower on Thur. and no one has mentioned doing anything for me. I'm due before her and this is at my PT seasonal tax job. So yes, I would be hurt.

[themysteriouswife]

Apr 27, 2015 10:46:41 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Apr 26, 2015 22:54:28 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Correct. She's absolutely wonderful and I guarantee you she will make a show of me at the party (if it's just for her). She will go on and on about how much I volunteer and how hard I've worked and how proud she is of me for graduating and this night is for us.

Honestly, I think this is a weird expectation to have for someone at a party in that person's honor. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but you are the only person you can control in this situation, and it seems that you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. You'll likely be happier with this situation if you deal with just the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly- this is a surprise party for your good friend in celebration of her graduation. Go to her and be happy for her without expecting her to shift the focus to you.

she isn't expecting friend to shift focus. She knows her personality and knows this is what will happen. I know a few people like this.

[lookingup]

Apr 27, 2015 10:53:49 GMT -5 themysteriouswife said:

Apr 27, 2015 10:46:41 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Honestly, I think this is a weird expectation to have for someone at a party in that person's honor. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but you are the only person you can control in this situation, and it seems that you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. You'll likely be happier with this situation if you deal with just the facts and adjust your expectations accordingly- this is a surprise party for your good friend in celebration of her graduation. Go to her and be happy for her without expecting her to shift the focus to you.

she isn't expecting friend to shift focus. She knows her personality and knows this is what will happen. I know a few people like this.

Unless she is psychic and has had a vision of her friend's reaction at this party, yes, she is expecting this of her friend and will be let down/upset/hurt/disappointed if or when it does not happen. I'm just saying this could be avoided if OP makes the decision to go and be happy for her friend regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

[mcmel]

Apr 27, 2015 11:06:52 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Apr 27, 2015 10:53:49 GMT -5 themysteriouswife said:

she isn't expecting friend to shift focus. She knows her personality and knows this is what will happen. I know a few people like this.

Unless she is psychic and has had a vision of her friend's reaction at this party, yes, she is expecting this of her friend and will be let down/upset/hurt/disappointed if or when it does not happen. I'm just saying this could be avoided if OP makes the decision to go and be happy for her friend regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

I'm at work and can't talk much, but you're right. I'm going to be thrilled for my friend regardless. Thanks for your input.

Eta- and I'm graduating with a BS in biology and minor secondary education. I think someone asked that earlier and I just now remembered.

[Jalapeñomel]

Yes, I'd be hurt.

[lookingup]

Apr 27, 2015 11:33:08 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Apr 27, 2015 11:06:52 GMT -5 lookingup said:

Unless she is psychic and has had a vision of her friend's reaction at this party, yes, she is expecting this of her friend and will be let down/upset/hurt/disappointed if or when it does not happen. I'm just saying this could be avoided if OP makes the decision to go and be happy for her friend regardless of any extenuating circumstances.

I'm at work and can't talk much, but you're right. I'm going to be thrilled for my friend regardless. Thanks for your input.

Eta- and I'm graduating with a BS in biology and minor secondary education. I think someone asked that earlier and I just now remembered.

Congratulations!

[dojo]

Yep I would definitely feel like a fly on the wall with them. For one person to not speak up and say "wait, isn't mcmel graduating too?" Is shitty. I would go into it preparing for the worst but hoping against hope that they might secretly be including me too.

[cookie510]

I'm sorry, that's shitty of them.

Congrats on graduating though!