We were looking at only buying a house in our district due to my daughters' IEPs.
Now we are looking at sending our older daughter (currently in 6th grade) to a private school for 7th and 8th grade.
Our district is great academically, and it is known for doing a fabulous job with IEPs. We will keep our younger daughter in public school. Our older daughter is having a LOT of issues, and I don't think her middle school is going to do enough for them. We let her use our phones sometimes to be on Instagram. We saw that she was private messaging on Friday with her boyfriend of 1 day. They were planning to meet during 2nd period in the bathroom for "sex and a bj." Yes. 6th graders. 11 years old.
Background: our daughters were sexually abused before we adopted them. Pretty major sexual abuse.
Therapy/services we've had in place for our daughter: - EMDR & regular therapy (she is still doing this) - Psychiatrist & medication - In-home & in-school skills worker - Occupational therapy - IEP through school - She spent a year in day treatment (attended school at the outpatient facility) - Was in a child psych hospital for about 2 weeks
She is VERY smart and gets good grades. She is in (competitive) cheerleading, ballet, piano, and band (flute). We attend an ELCA church and she participates in all of the activities there (youth group, social justice activities).
She has the emotional maturity of about a 4 year old because of the trauma she endured earlier in her life (besides the sexual abuse, LOTS of other things happened in her biomom's home). She really has a hard time with "friendship skills" and she is extremely boy crazy and obsessed with sex.
After what we found on Instagram (besides obviously suspending her IG privileges), we are pretty freaked out. Her school is huge & I feel like she is slipping through the cracks. She has talked about wanting to be pregnant and have babies
I found a private school close to us that charges $4,400 per year. It is a Lutheran school, but a more conservative type of Lutheran (WELS) than we are. It goes through 8th grade & also has after-school care (the public schools don't offer that after 5th grade, so she has been coming home after school...and I've had to rearrange my work day or worry that she's getting into trouble at home).
One of our cars is almost paid off (it will be in September) which will give us $250 per month to work with. I've also been putting $100 extra per month to my student loans (we were going to put the $250 car payment towards them too...but if we do private school, we won't). Then we just need to come up with an extra $20 or so each month.... I could stop contributing to my ROTH for 2 years (I only do $100 per month) to make it work.
I don't know if changing schools would help, although her therapist said she would definitely look into a smaller school for her. In our district, the only smaller schools that we can find (besides private) are a charter school that has a bad reputation, and the "EBD school." My daughter has EBD, but we find that she doesn't do the best when she is in an environment with all other EBD kids (like at the day treatment center). At first it helped, but then she started picking up habits/behaviors from the other kids...and we needed to get her out of there.
Basically the choice here is: pay down my high-interest student loan by an extra $8,800 over 2 years, or put my daughter in private school until high school (not sure what we will do for her in high school) to see if the supervision and nurturing & smaller class sizes there PLUS after-care will keep her from getting pregnant.
Does she want to go to that school? I hate to say this, but her willingness to go will have a lot to do with her success at the school. So, a visit and conversation would be a BIG part of my decision making right now.
Is she on birth control? Can you get her on some kind of consistent birth control? A pregnant 11 year old seems like your biggest emergency right now. Or herpes/HIV. Does she have access to condoms and know how to use them? I know this is controversial, but I fully support you teaching her how to use a condom and giving her access to them.
You sound like a wonderful, concerned, connected mother. God love you for weathering this. I hope you can settle on a really good school environment.
I think a smaller school could be good for your daughter but not knowing all the options I'm not sure which one would be best. Is there a mainstream school for students with learning disabilities? The kind I'm thinking about incorporates social skills learning into the curriculum. Or is that too similar to the EBD school? I think bad habits can be picked up in any social setting but I'm sure there's more I'm not understanding about the issue.
Anyway, financially, yes, I think this is something I would do. I hope you find the right fit for her.
I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this, and I feel for your daughter.
My children go to a religious based private school (Catholic) and I know there is financial aid and scholarships available to some students. I think it would definitely be worth it for you to check with the school to see if they can't work with you, even just a little.
Have you looked into whether the school has scholarships or need based grant programs?
The fees seem low for a full year, are you sure they're equipped to deal with what your child needs? A school with low fees may also have less resources as a result.
BTW I am eternally grateful that there are people like you in the world who are able to take children with serious needs. My husband and I knew we couldn't - after much agony and heartache, and we've finally forgiven ourselves for saying no. But I truly respect and admire those of you who can and have.
I haven't looked into that yet at the school. I am hoping to bring it up on Wednesday.
The fees do seem low, but somewhat comparable to a couple of other similar schools in our area. This school is backed by a church, and the $4,400 tuition is the non-member price. There's another Catholic school + church with around the same price (but that school is farther for us to drive & doesn't transport in our district - so it's a no go). There is another more expensive school I'm touring on Thursday morning in our district - it's about $7K per year if you're not a member of the church (we're not). I like what that school looks like on "paper" (website) more than the Lutheran one, but we will see.
Our dream school for her is the all-girls Catholic one - but it's 30 minutes from our house and $20K per year, and we missed the scholarship deadline for next year. But I do think an all-girls school would be amazing for her. Maybe when she's in high school, if she still needs it, we could swing it (or get her a scholarship).
Does she want to go to that school? I hate to say this, but her willingness to go will have a lot to do with her success at the school. So, a visit and conversation would be a BIG part of my decision making right now.
Is she on birth control? Can you get her on some kind of consistent birth control? A pregnant 11 year old seems like your biggest emergency right now. Or herpes/HIV. Does she have access to condoms and know how to use them? I know this is controversial, but I fully support you teaching her how to use a condom and giving her access to them.
You sound like a wonderful, concerned, connected mother. God love you for weathering this. I hope you can settle on a really good school environment.
Lots of good questions. She is not excited about changing schools necessarily, but she also has mentioned (from time to time) wanting to change schools. Just like everything else, she won't be happy at first, but I think she would adjust to it within a week or two.
She isn't on birth control. Mostly because we didn't realize that it was THIS serious. So we definitely need to get on that. We have friends who are volunteering to transport her to/from the OWLS class at their Unitarian church next year. So that MIGHT happen, too. Which could maybe help her with her sexual boundaries.
I think a smaller school could be good for your daughter but not knowing all the options I'm not sure which one would be best. Is there a mainstream school for students with learning disabilities? The kind I'm thinking about incorporates social skills learning into the curriculum. Or is that too similar to the EBD school? I think bad habits can be picked up in any social setting but I'm sure there's more I'm not understanding about the issue.
Anyway, financially, yes, I think this is something I would do. I hope you find the right fit for her.
Okay, I can't get this to work... so I am replying in your quote. There isn't that type of school here. I wish there was....
Have you looked into whether the school has scholarships or need based grant programs?
The fees seem low for a full year, are you sure they're equipped to deal with what your child needs? A school with low fees may also have less resources as a result.
BTW I am eternally grateful that there are people like you in the world who are able to take children with serious needs. My husband and I knew we couldn't - after much agony and heartache, and we've finally forgiven ourselves for saying no. But I truly respect and admire those of you who can and have.
I haven't looked into that yet at the school. I am hoping to bring it up on Wednesday.
The fees do seem low, but somewhat comparable to a couple of other similar schools in our area. This school is backed by a church, and the $4,400 tuition is the non-member price. There's another Catholic school + church with around the same price (but that school is farther for us to drive & doesn't transport in our district - so it's a no go). There is another more expensive school I'm touring on Thursday morning in our district - it's about $7K per year if you're not a member of the church (we're not). I like what that school looks like on "paper" (website) more than the Lutheran one, but we will see.
Our dream school for her is the all-girls Catholic one - but it's 30 minutes from our house and $20K per year, and we missed the scholarship deadline for next year. But I do think an all-girls school would be amazing for her. Maybe when she's in high school, if she still needs it, we could swing it (or get her a scholarship).
Some of my son's classmates need services, and they are arranged through the student's pubic school district. Apparently our teachers work very well with the service providers from the public schools.
Post by delawarejen on Apr 27, 2015 14:33:29 GMT -5
Have you considered calling the all-girls school and making an appointment to talk to them? I know you mentioned the deadline had passed, but sometimes there is extra money to be found. They may be willing to work with you given the seriousness of her issues and the clear benefit of a single-sex education for a child in her situation.
Have you considered calling the all-girls school and making an appointment to talk to them? I know you mentioned the deadline had passed, but sometimes there is extra money to be found. They may be willing to work with you given the seriousness of her issues and the clear benefit of a single-sex education for a child in her situation.
You just gave me some hope. I'll get up the courage to give them a call either later this afternoon (when the county worker has one-on-one time with my daughters) or tomorrow morning.
It really depends on the private school. I don't know if it would change the sex factor. Focus on treatment may be a better option.
Do you have any suggestions in MN? (I don't think you're from here, but just in case you know something/someone?)
I called the U of MN Center for Sexual Health, but they don't work with kids her age (only adults) for these issues.
They referred me to another facility, but my daughter's main therapist says that the facility to which they referred me does not actually focus intensely on these issues.
Also, her main therapist will be going on maternity leave soon; she's been her therapist since she moved in with us about 3 years ago. We had made a lot of progress doing EMDR, but I don't know what's going on now.
I'm feeling depressed and anxious right now. And mad. I need to get it together fast because she'll be coming home (school bus) any minute now.
It really depends on the private school. I don't know if it would change the sex factor. Focus on treatment may be a better option.
Do you have any suggestions in MN? (I don't think you're from here, but just in case you know something/someone?)
I called the U of MN Center for Sexual Health, but they don't work with kids her age (only adults) for these issues.
They referred me to another facility, but my daughter's main therapist says that the facility to which they referred me does not actually focus intensely on these issues.
Also, her main therapist will be going on maternity leave soon; she's been her therapist since she moved in with us about 3 years ago. We had made a lot of progress doing EMDR, but I don't know what's going on now.
I'm feeling depressed and anxious right now. And mad. I need to get it together fast because she'll be coming home (school bus) any minute now.
I don't know anyone there - sorry. Is she taking birth control? If she is active, I would consider a shot. Horrible to say and I can't imagine how hard this must be. But that might take one worry away. The acting out is part of bigger picture. If her therapist is going to be away, she should be transitioning her to someone new NOW. Even if it is only a few months off.
And I would report this shit to the school. And call the boy's parents.
I would worry that moving her away from her activities and stuff would cause her to act out more. I don't know the whole story, though.
Do you have any suggestions in MN? (I don't think you're from here, but just in case you know something/someone?)
I called the U of MN Center for Sexual Health, but they don't work with kids her age (only adults) for these issues.
They referred me to another facility, but my daughter's main therapist says that the facility to which they referred me does not actually focus intensely on these issues.
Also, her main therapist will be going on maternity leave soon; she's been her therapist since she moved in with us about 3 years ago. We had made a lot of progress doing EMDR, but I don't know what's going on now.
I'm feeling depressed and anxious right now. And mad. I need to get it together fast because she'll be coming home (school bus) any minute now.
I don't know anyone there - sorry. Is she taking birth control? If she is active, I would consider a shot. Horrible to say and I can't imagine how hard this must be. But that might take one worry away. The acting out is part of bigger picture. If her therapist is going to be away, she should be transitioning her to someone new NOW. Even if it is only a few months off.
And I would report this shit to the school. And call the boy's parents.
I would worry that moving her away from her activities and stuff would cause her to act out more. I don't know the whole story, though.
Thanks. She's not on BC yet, but I know we need to, even though (to the best of our knowledge) she is not actually sexually active yet (lots of talk though).
I definitely reported it to the school. The boy was gone today (how convenient) but they will be talking with him tomorrow. I found his mom's social media profiles online & my husband & I both felt like (based on her profiles) she might not care about what her son is up to. I know that's a big judgment for us to make, but our daughter is definitely attracted to other "wounded" people. Anyway, depending on what we hear from the school tomorrow, I will reach out to his mom. His dad does not seem to be in the picture.
That's a good point about moving her causing her to act out more. But we've been warning her all year that she might go to a different school if things don't improve (this is the first major sexualized behavior that's happened THIS year, but she was accused of stealing another kid's iPhone).
She's also been hoarding and stealing stuff at home.
I don't know anyone there - sorry. Is she taking birth control? If she is active, I would consider a shot. Horrible to say and I can't imagine how hard this must be. But that might take one worry away. The acting out is part of bigger picture. If her therapist is going to be away, she should be transitioning her to someone new NOW. Even if it is only a few months off.
And I would report this shit to the school. And call the boy's parents.
I would worry that moving her away from her activities and stuff would cause her to act out more. I don't know the whole story, though.
Thanks. She's not on BC yet, but I know we need to, even though (to the best of our knowledge) she is not actually sexually active yet (lots of talk though).
I definitely reported it to the school. The boy was gone today (how convenient) but they will be talking with him tomorrow. I found his mom's social media profiles online & my husband & I both felt like (based on her profiles) she might not care about what her son is up to. I know that's a big judgment for us to make, but our daughter is definitely attracted to other "wounded" people. Anyway, depending on what we hear from the school tomorrow, I will reach out to his mom. His dad does not seem to be in the picture.
That's a good point about moving her causing her to act out more. But we've been warning her all year that she might go to a different school if things don't improve (this is the first major sexualized behavior that's happened THIS year, but she was accused of stealing another kid's iPhone).
She's also been hoarding and stealing stuff at home.
Ugh. Get her the shot. Maybe private school teachers can comment but I imagine it is much easier to get expelled from a private school - they don't always like kids with issues, KWIM? And they are not the last line of defense. And, they don't usually have the same services that public schools have - even the shitty ones.
That's cool that you have been warning her about changing schools. I would just consider that it may make things worse. More trauma for her, maybe. She doesn't feel worthy of love so she sabatoges everything to prove it. Poor thing. You are wonderful for caring for her.
Thanks. She's not on BC yet, but I know we need to, even though (to the best of our knowledge) she is not actually sexually active yet (lots of talk though).
I definitely reported it to the school. The boy was gone today (how convenient) but they will be talking with him tomorrow. I found his mom's social media profiles online & my husband & I both felt like (based on her profiles) she might not care about what her son is up to. I know that's a big judgment for us to make, but our daughter is definitely attracted to other "wounded" people. Anyway, depending on what we hear from the school tomorrow, I will reach out to his mom. His dad does not seem to be in the picture.
That's a good point about moving her causing her to act out more. But we've been warning her all year that she might go to a different school if things don't improve (this is the first major sexualized behavior that's happened THIS year, but she was accused of stealing another kid's iPhone).
She's also been hoarding and stealing stuff at home.
Ugh. Get her the shot. Maybe private school teachers can comment but I imagine it is much easier to get expelled from a private school - they don't always like kids with issues, KWIM? And they are not the last line of defense. And, they don't usually have the same services that public schools have - even the shitty ones.
That's cool that you have been warning her about changing schools. I would just consider that it may make things worse. More trauma for her, maybe. She doesn't feel worthy of love so she sabatoges everything to prove it. Poor thing. You are wonderful for caring for her.
((((Hugs))))
Thank you and you are so right - she doesn't feel worthy of love and her RAD definitely is kicking into high gear right now.
Well, touring the schools won't hurt anything. I'll take it one day at a time and not be impulsive.
I would do anything if I knew it was the right fix. ANYTHING.
This isn't what you asked, and perhaps this is flammable, but there are reports of using IUD'S in teens to prevent pregnancy. I know she's only 11 but if she is aggressively pursuing sex, it might be something to consider. Pregnancy at age 11 would be truly horrific. I know it's controversial and I understand the ethical implications because it does hurt to insert and she's already had sexual trauma, but abortion or having a baby would likely be more traumatic.
I would try to move her to the all-girl school. A smaller school might help but she doesn't seem to be a passive victim of the guy's advances. She can go to a new school and offer sex there too.
It also would help if she's not maybe making an active decision to have sex, but she's flirting with the line and putting herself in unsafe situations that could lead to her having sex (non consensual). I would definitely have a talk with her therapist and get a plan in place for maternity leave and maybe increase the frequency of therapy since she seems to be acting out. Huge hugs
One thing that worried me about putting her on BC is her knowing that she's on it. We have an adoption support group & listserve for those of us who adopted older kids through our agency. Another parent put her daughter on it & she told everyone at school about it, and ended up being taken advantage of (raped) as a result.
I know that if she's going to do it, she's going to do it... and better to be on BC. But she has terrible boundaries. Ugh.
Both of my sons will be going to private school in June. Cost is about $60000 year. The district pays for it 100%.
Many private schools will not take students with an iep. Since they are private they are not held,to the mandates of idea. If you send her thre and forgo having an iep at the promise of accommodations she loses the protection of the iep. For now, an iep keeps her in school. They can only suspend her for 10 days and she cannot be expelled for her behavior since they are a manifestation of her disability. Without an iep she loses this and can be suspended or expelled. Or charged with sexual harassment if it gets to the wrong person.
Have you talked to your social worker? Are there any other schools in neighboring districts that could serve her better? You could ask for an iep meeting and evals and see about advocating for a different placement for her. You are not tied to your specific district if they cannot service your child. IF she is ig during class then she's not being adequately served.
Ugh. Get her the shot. Maybe private school teachers can comment but I imagine it is much easier to get expelled from a private school - they don't always like kids with issues, KWIM? And they are not the last line of defense. And, they don't usually have the same services that public schools have - even the shitty ones.
That's cool that you have been warning her about changing schools. I would just consider that it may make things worse. More trauma for her, maybe. She doesn't feel worthy of love so she sabatoges everything to prove it. Poor thing. You are wonderful for caring for her.
((((Hugs))))
Thank you and you are so right - she doesn't feel worthy of love and her RAD definitely is kicking into high gear right now.
Well, touring the schools won't hurt anything. I'll take it one day at a time and not be impulsive.
I would do anything if I knew it was the right fix. ANYTHING.
Hey, she may fall in love with a new school! And maybe she secretly wants out, too.
I went to a private school K-12 and worked in a private school for 2 years. I'd be very concerned that they won't have the resources to help your daughter or family. Private Christian schools don't deal well when it comes to anything of a sexual nature based upon my own experiences, but I could hopefully be wrong and there are some great ones out there. Private schools don't tend to like to deal with kids that have problems and they will suspend a child.
It is still worth checking out and you're awesome for wanting to do everything possible to help your daughter.
If you want to know more about some specifics on private schools from my own experiences, drop me a PM and I'll be blunt.
One thing that worried me about putting her on BC is her knowing that she's on it. We have an adoption support group & listserve for those of us who adopted older kids through our agency. Another parent put her daughter on it & she told everyone at school about it, and ended up being taken advantage of (raped) as a result.
I know that if she's going to do it, she's going to do it... and better to be on BC. But she has terrible boundaries. Ugh.
I had an even more flammable thought about how you might be able to get away with not telling her what the IUD or shot is for. I know she's of the age where she should consent to medical procedures but when you're comparing the evils of being raped.vs being hoodwinked/protected, it might be worthwhile.
Believe me. We've talked about just giving her another extra pill with her night meds & not telling her it's BC. But we haven't gone there yet.
The county worker is meeting with each of my kids individually & she talked with me for a bit and I'm feeling better.
One thing that worried me about putting her on BC is her knowing that she's on it. We have an adoption support group & listserve for those of us who adopted older kids through our agency. Another parent put her daughter on it & she told everyone at school about it, and ended up being taken advantage of (raped) as a result.
I know that if she's going to do it, she's going to do it... and better to be on BC. But she has terrible boundaries. Ugh.
I had an even more flammable thought about how you might be able to get away with not telling her what the IUD or shot is for. I know she's of the age where she should consent to medical procedures but when you're comparing the evils of being raped.vs being hoodwinked/protected, it might be worthwhile.
I had the same thought about Depo. :/ But not because she could be raped (WTF, rapists don't rape because of BC), but because she might hopefully use condoms if she didn't know, and be protected from STIs. But if she wants a baby, who knows.
I had an even more flammable thought about how you might be able to get away with not telling her what the IUD or shot is for. I know she's of the age where she should consent to medical procedures but when you're comparing the evils of being raped.vs being hoodwinked/protected, it might be worthwhile.
I had the same thought about Depo. :/ But not because she could be raped (WTF, rapists don't rape because of BC), but because she might hopefully use condoms if she didn't know, and be protected from STIs. But if she wants a baby, who knows.
First of all, I love your sig pic! Second, yup, you are right. Rapists don't rape because of BC. BUT I do think that the girl advertising she was on it might have made her more of a noticeable "target" to the rapist. At least that's how her mom phrased it on our adoption listserve.
There is only one middle school where I live and it's all sex, blow jobs and orgies. Yes, ORGIES. I really didn't even understand the concept of sex when I was 11.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. But I'm proud of you for recognizing that there is an issue and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help your daughters. That is SO commendable. Seriously. You are an awesome mom.
NIGHTMARE! That is seriously terrifying. 11 is so young
One thing that worried me about putting her on BC is her knowing that she's on it. We have an adoption support group & listserve for those of us who adopted older kids through our agency. Another parent put her daughter on it & she told everyone at school about it, and ended up being taken advantage of (raped) as a result.
I know that if she's going to do it, she's going to do it... and better to be on BC. But she has terrible boundaries. Ugh.
I had an even more flammable thought about how you might be able to get away with not telling her what the IUD or shot is for. I know she's of the age where she should consent to medical procedures but when you're comparing the evils of being raped.vs being hoodwinked/protected, it might be worthwhile.
If you can find an unethical doctor willing to do that.....insert an IUD in to a child's vagina? They would not do an IUD anyway.