Open relationships POLL!

[noradog]

Apr 28, 2015 9:19:46 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

An open relationship is not for me, and I will not get involved with someone who says they are in an open relationship. I fear they say they are in an open relationship, when really their partner is not onboard with this. I also think there is a difference between open and poly. I know a few poly groups and it seems to work very well for them. I think poly can be good for a relationship, I question if open is. Regardless, I'm not going to judge, each to their own.

I'm at work and don't want to go down the google trail of this, so what is poly?  I know it means polyamorous (I think), but how is it different from an open relationship? I have vague ideas, but I just realized I honestly am not really sure.

I voted not for me, but not judging.  I know that I'm not secure enough for my partner (H) to be with others.  

[cville]

Apr 27, 2015 21:41:30 GMT -5 Queen Mamadala said:

Apr 27, 2015 21:25:54 GMT -5 lexxasaurus said:

I voted SS for a similar reason as Queen Mamadala. My current relationship isn't open, but I've had them before. Also, the non-monogamy was NOT what ended it, nor did it have anything to do with it.

I find it interesting that people always chime in with "I've never seen it work successfully!" and "I always see it as the end to marriages" but I think people fail to realize there are probably a lot of open relationships they have been around but don't know about. I wasn't exactly telling my friends that we were open, so they would have never known I was successfully holding down an open relationship, y'know?

And there's a definite difference between exploring, but otherwise unsure and being poly. There are poly households and all sorts of arrangements that work well for some. It was interesting see the diversity within the poly/alt community. A lot of professionals and business people. People you would never assume are poly. No one ever assumes I had an open marriage. 

After I moved from ATL to San Diego and explored the dating scene I was approached by a poly gentleman on an OLD site. This gentleman was well-to-do, late 40's, married over 20 years, highly educated and intelligent. The first 11 years of his marriage was monogamous, and the rest poly. I tended to find other people's experiences fascinating. It worked very well for this couple.

And then there were men who weren't poly and just sought a rotation of women because they could under the guise of being "poly."

I believe you both that this can work for some people.  I don't care what people do and don't think it's wrong/bad/immoral/whatever.

I also believe, however, that the number of people who are truly free and open to open relationships without jealousy and consistently stay that way through all life changes are few and far between.  THAT is why when a couple in an open relationship breaks up, my default thought is "well, duh."  Because that one person would find another person and they'd both be open and happy about it and they'd both find OTHER people who were like minded and they'd be able to carry that openness and freedom through, for example, having kids, job changes, moves, deaths of family members, etc. seems difficult to say the least.

I think that's where some people are coming from in their cynicism (myself included).  The sheer chance that that allllll works out, over the length of an adult lifetime, is small.  Especially given how many people break up in non-open marriages due to all of those other pressures and changes in perspective without the additional factors of outward-focused relationships.  So it's real, I believe it can be true for some people, but I'm not surprised when that truth changes over time.  Just as I'm not surprised when people struggle in a relationship after they have kids.

[schitzengiggles]

Apr 27, 2015 19:33:27 GMT -5 nicbreeful said:

Not my thing but I admire people that can do it without jealousy.

I'm an only child AND a Taurus. I hate sharing.

Yes! Another only child Taurus here. So true, and there will definitely be no sharing of my man. LOL

[pantsparty]

Apr 28, 2015 9:30:29 GMT -5 noradog said:

Apr 28, 2015 9:19:46 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

An open relationship is not for me, and I will not get involved with someone who says they are in an open relationship. I fear they say they are in an open relationship, when really their partner is not onboard with this. I also think there is a difference between open and poly. I know a few poly groups and it seems to work very well for them. I think poly can be good for a relationship, I question if open is. Regardless, I'm not going to judge, each to their own.

I'm at work and don't want to go down the google trail of this, so what is poly?  I know it means polyamorous (I think), but how is it different from an open relationship? I have vague ideas, but I just realized I honestly am not really sure.

I voted not for me, but not judging.  I know that I'm not secure enough for my partner (H) to be with others.  

In polyamory the...group? is in a relationship with each other. There is usually a primary relationship, then secondary, tierarary relationships. 

[Deleted]

Apr 28, 2015 9:30:29 GMT -5 noradog said:

Apr 28, 2015 9:19:46 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

An open relationship is not for me, and I will not get involved with someone who says they are in an open relationship. I fear they say they are in an open relationship, when really their partner is not onboard with this. I also think there is a difference between open and poly. I know a few poly groups and it seems to work very well for them. I think poly can be good for a relationship, I question if open is. Regardless, I'm not going to judge, each to their own.

I'm at work and don't want to go down the google trail of this, so what is poly?  I know it means polyamorous (I think), but how is it different from an open relationship? I have vague ideas, but I just realized I honestly am not really sure.

I voted not for me, but not judging.  I know that I'm not secure enough for my partner (H) to be with others.  

Here are my loose thoughts on this, I'm not going to google at work either.

Open - Either or both people in a relationship can see and be with other people.  Seldom are the 3rd or 4th parties brought into the relationship, they are more side deals.  

Poly, which yes is polyamorous - Bringing a 3rd or more person actually into the relationship and they become a part of the relationship.  Each partner is either on equal levels, or there is one dominate, and the others are submissive, but usually at the same level of submissiveness.  I've seen poly where there was one man and two women, the women were sister wives essentially, neither were bisexual.  In other cases one or all partners may be bisexual.  Sex and sexuality doesn't have a lot to do with poly, it's more about the relationship as a whole and how the group works together.

If I missed something and someone wants to correct me, please do so!  

[noradog]

Apr 28, 2015 9:52:21 GMT -5 @ruralrabbit1 said:

Apr 28, 2015 9:30:29 GMT -5 noradog said:

I'm at work and don't want to go down the google trail of this, so what is poly?  I know it means polyamorous (I think), but how is it different from an open relationship? I have vague ideas, but I just realized I honestly am not really sure.

I voted not for me, but not judging.  I know that I'm not secure enough for my partner (H) to be with others.  

Here are my loose thoughts on this, I'm not going to google at work either.

Open - Either or both people in a relationship can see and be with other people.  Seldom are the 3rd or 4th parties brought into the relationship, they are more side deals.  

Poly, which yes is polyamorous - Bringing a 3rd or more person actually into the relationship and they become a part of the relationship.  Each partner is either on equal levels, or there is one dominate, and the others are submissive, but usually at the same level of submissiveness.  I've seen poly where there was one man and two women, the women were sister wives essentially, neither were bisexual.  In other cases one or all partners may be bisexual.  Sex and sexuality doesn't have a lot to do with poly, it's more about the relationship as a whole and how the group works together.

If I missed something and someone wants to correct me, please do so!  

Gotcha.  Thanks for answering

[Queen Mamadala]

There's a long list of different terms used within the poly community. There are poly households, poly fidelity (only seeing the people in one's own group), triads, quads, but it's really about maintaining multiple relationships.

POLYAMORY: (Literally, poly many + amor love) The state or practice of maintaining multiple sexual and/or romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of all the people involved. Polyamorous: of or related to the practice of polyamory, as in polyamorous relationship: a relationship involving more than two people, or open to involvement by more than two people; polyamorous person: a person who prefers or is open to romantic relationships with more than one partner simultaneously.

OPEN RELATIONSHIP: 1. Any relationship that is not sexually monogamous. 2. Any relationship that permits “outside” sexual entanglements, but not loving or romantic relationships. Commentary: Some folks use the term open relationship as a synonym for polyamory. To other people, the term excludes polyamory, and is used specifically to describe relationships that are sexually non-monogamous but that still expect that the people involved will not fall in love or engage in romantic relationships outside the couple, as for example with many swinging relationships. It’s important to be careful when using this term, as it may carry very different connotations for different people.

www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html

Many differentiate between "open" and "poly" because open usually refers to having multiple sexual partners, not necessarily relationships. Swinging can be an example of this. Some open couples casually date other people, but make it a point not to get feelings involved, which is where it differs from poly.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Apr 28, 2015 9:37:07 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Apr 28, 2015 9:30:29 GMT -5 noradog said:

I'm at work and don't want to go down the google trail of this, so what is poly?  I know it means polyamorous (I think), but how is it different from an open relationship? I have vague ideas, but I just realized I honestly am not really sure.

I voted not for me, but not judging.  I know that I'm not secure enough for my partner (H) to be with others.  

In polyamory the...group? is in a relationship with each other. There is usually a primary relationship, then secondary, tierarary relationships. 

No, not necessarily. Polyamory just means you are free to pursue multiple romantic relationships. I was never in a polyamorous group/triad/quad/etc. Everyone had separate relationships with other people.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Or I could just ditto Queen Mamadala.

More than two is probably the best online resource I used. I consider poly to be more of a sexual orientation. You are either inclined to love multiple people or you aren't. Opening up is a choice you can make or not make for your relationship. So, SO and I consider ourselves poly but our relationship is not currently open. It was for a year, it's been closed for a year.