Help me to help my friend re: divorce

[McGavin]

It looks like my BFF is heading for divorce    She'll be good, I think she's ready to let go but it will be hard road, she knows that.  However, when she says "I never wanted that for my kids" (she's from a divorced family) I don't know what to say to that.  

What helped you deal with divorce in regards to your kids?  Her kids are 6 and 3.

[sarahswim]

I'm not divorced, but I think it's better for kids to see their parents happy, even if they're apart. I think it would be much harder to grow up in a home where mom & dad clearly don't love one another, and have that as my model for relationships.

[bonquiqui]

Im divorced, but no kids. It's hard no matter what, and i think the thing that helps the most is time. The truth is that no one could get me out of the funk, but me. Being supportive, being available and listening are all great, but i really turned a corner this year.

[bonquiqui]

And i don't know that there is a response. Just continue to listen and reassure.

[mcmel]

Well Dr. Phil says this all the time, but I think it's pretty true- children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

[McGavin]

May 2, 2015 20:07:33 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

And i don't know that there is a response. Just continue to listen and reassure.

Yeah, I don't know why I think I can say something to make it better.  I just try to help her with her kids and make sure she gets out once in a while.

She's coming here tomorrow while he moves out so I'm sure we'll be talking about it a lot.

[hopecounts]

My parents stayed in an unhappy marriage WAAAAY to long.
All of us would've been happier if they had divorced earlier.
The better from a broken home then living in one thing is so very true.

[curtains]

I come from a divorced home and for me I was lucky that my parents divorced when I was 7 so I had plenty of happy years postdivorce to see how good relationships work.

My dad remarried very happily and the were together 25 years before he passed. It was healthy for me to see a good relationship and what I am looking for.

Staying together for the kids isn't good for anyone.

[McGavin]

Giving likes for your advice, not your parent's divorces!

[lilac05]

May 2, 2015 20:13:38 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Well Dr. Phil says this all the time, but I think it's pretty true- children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

Good ol' Dr. Phil!  LOL.  That was the first thing that came to my mind, too.

[mcmel]

May 2, 2015 20:40:47 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

May 2, 2015 20:13:38 GMT -5 mcmel said:

Well Dr. Phil says this all the time, but I think it's pretty true- children would rather come from a broken home than live in one.

Good ol' Dr. Phil!  LOL.  That was the first thing that came to my mind, too.

He's my favorite daytime train wreck. I just can't help it!

[nachos]

Me XH and I told our kids that we wanted them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one. The kids were 5 and 3 when we split.

I've remarried, and XH and I have a great friendship post-divorce. It took us a while to get there, but our divorce was about us, not the kids. They're 15 and 12 now, and they see it too.

[livinitup]

What about telling her that she'll do divorce better than her parents? That she'll make a happy home for her children who will feel supported and bonded by both parents, even if those parents live apart. 

[isabel]

May 2, 2015 21:08:59 GMT -5 nachos said:

Me XH and I told our kids that we wanted them to have two happy homes instead of one unhappy one. The kids were 5 and 3 when we split.

I've remarried, and XH and I have a great friendship post-divorce. It took us a while to get there, but our divorce was about us, not the kids. They're 15 and 12 now, and they see it too.

My parents are like this as well. People are always sort of surprised that they get along so well. They spent a week together last month when they both came up to meet my son. It means a lot to me.

OP, I'll echo the same sentiment as everyone else about having two happy homes. What messed me up more than anything was my mom dating around and being in bad relationships.

I've vowed to never do that to my kid and H and I have had some pretty serious conversations about marriage and what it means to me. Ultimately though, I'm only in control of myself, as is your friend. She'll make of this what she wants to. I expect that means she'll focus on being a healthy, functional mom and her kids won't suffer from their parents divorce. Just remind her that she can have the right impact on them and that this doesn't have to be a bad experience for her children.

[hulley]

The best thing I heard when I had similar complaints (DD was 8 when ex-H and I split) was that it was my responsibility as a parent to be a good role model, and that in my particular situation, doing that meant not being married to someone who cheated on me and spent most of our time together fighting. This really helped me to hear. I'm sorry for your friend.

[1confused1]

May 3, 2015 11:23:14 GMT -5 hulley said:

The best thing I heard when I had similar complaints (DD was 8 when ex-H and I split) was that it was my responsibility as a parent to be a good role model, and that in my particular situation, doing that meant not being married to someone who cheated on me and spent most of our time together fighting. This really helped me to hear. I'm sorry for your friend.

Ditto this. I realized one day that I would never want my kids being treated or treating someone like my ex treated me in our marriage.

My kids were 3 and 5 when we split and I explained to them that we were not getting along anymore but we still love them both the same. I bought them some books, one called Invisible String and another one called Standing on my own two feet.

Good luck to your friend.

[flex]

I had no idea that my parents were heading towards divorce after 20 years of marriage. They never argued in front of us except maybe at night when we were in bed. My dad messed around on Mom for years and years, but I didn't know that at the time they split up. I was 17 when they divorced. I wasn't happy about it, but since I was practically on my way out the door, I didn't take it as hard as my little sister did (who was 6-7 at the time). So I can't really speak about how it affected me as a child. I do know now that it was the best thing my mom could have done for herself because she really loved my dad and was willing to tolerate his indiscretions, which in turn made her very unhappy, but she didn't realize it at the time.  She was devastated because Dad  was the one who asked for the divorce.

When I divorced I felt like hell about how my kids felt about it, but like my mom, it was the best thing I could have done for myself as an adult.

I remember having a conversation with my little sister when I was in the process of divorcing ex-dh. She was all "oh, as a child of divorce I wouldn't do that to my kids, blah, blah". Less than 3 months later her dh asked her for a divorce. So it goes to show that even though as a wife we have the best intentions of never divorcing, our spouse may have a different idea.