Questions If your kids go on playdates alone...

[readyin07]

POOF.

[specialk]

Ok, take this with a grain of salt because my DS is only six months and I don't have older child experience.

1. I don't think I would be too upset, but would not hesitate to ask the parents to let you know in the future if they are going to be going out as you prefer DS to use a booster seat. I would ask if their son uses one since you will be driving him home at the same time.

2. I feel like you should trust your gut. If your gut says this guy is fine, then I would not be too concerned. Socially odd is not anything criminal. I would, however, press A a bit to see if there are any examples of interactions that made her uncomfortable.

[ECB]

The first situation would bother me a LOT. Just in general, I ABSOLUTELY expect to be told ahead of time if they plan on driving DS somewhere. Absolutely.

As far as the carseat/booster seat, if the last in your state means they don't have to be in ANYTHING after 5, while it would bother me, I'd have a harder time being mad if the norm among the parents YOU know is ot actually go w/ nothing after age 5. In my state, it's a booster until age 8 or 80 lbs. Because of that, I'd also be furious if someone I know took DS out and about w/o being in proper seating.

B. That's harder. Being socially awkward isn't a reason to not send your kids there. And if YOU'VE always felt fine with him... your friend might be overreacting. I'll be curious to see what others say on this one. I don't know if I'd put this entirely on what A said. I'd need to figure out more of this myself.

Could you drop DS off and try to spend a little time there? Or show up early?

[ijack]

1. I wouldn't be happy with that and anyone in my car would be properly restrained.
2. My answer to this is really long and complicated but I wouldn't let my kid go to a house or be alone with people I hadn't discussed our body safety/awareness rules with. I know it probably sounds very over protective, but it's something I'm kind of anal about.

[pagas]

1. We do playdates where F's friends are in our car. I always bring an extra booster seat, I wouldn't be comfortable with an unrestrained kid in my car. She has been in other cars, booster seat always (it's the law.)
2. This is trickier, I have no clue.

[sandyapples]

1. I am not helicoptery, at all. I would be pissed if someone took my DD in a car with no car seat or booster. I would expect to be told if my kid was taken anywhere but the house I sent her to. I would not drive a five year old in my car with no booster.

2. I would not send my kid somewhere if I thought the dad was creepy. Can you have the child over to your house instead?

[formerlyak]

1. If he is old enough to be in a car without a booster in your state by law, and you didn't have a conversation about it ahead of time, I don't think it's something to be mad about. If your ds will be playing with this friend again (and it sounds like he will), I'd just mention to the parents that you still prefer him to be in at least a booster and can you drop one off with them on days they play. My older ds is 8 and in our state you have to be in a booster until at least 8, so it is just recently that we don't need one for ds or his friends. Most of us just kept one of the low back Graco ones in our trunk in case a friend was in the car. They are only like $25 so it was worth it to us. DS has friends who turned 8 way before him (he is one of the youngest in his grade). I'd always just ask the parent if so and so was still in a booster or not. If they said yes, I'd have them use my extra. If they said no, and they met the law age requirements, I didn't.

2. What is creepy about that dad? Just that he isn't a good conversation starter? I'd have no problem with that - some people are more outgoing than others. One thing I'd suggest at that age is maybe do a picnic in the park kind of thing with a bunch of kids and their families who you know your ds plays with. We did this in Kinder and 1st grade to get to know the other families, and it was nice because then when your kid gets invited to a playdate, you have already met and talked with the parents. We'd take turns organizing and each person had a slightly different group they'd invite based on who they knew from their block and who was in their class. That way we got to meet a ton of different families.

[readyin07]

May 4, 2015 14:24:26 GMT -5 sandyapples said:

1. I am not helicoptery, at all. I would be pissed if someone took my DD in a car with no car seat or booster. I would expect to be told if my kid was taken anywhere but the house I sent her to. I would not drive a five year old in my car with no booster.

2. I would not send my kid somewhere if I thought the dad was creepy. Can you have the child over to your house instead?

Sigh. I'm not mad. I need to learn to ask better questions and realize not everyone lives in the hyper-vigilant bubble that I try to I just assumed since it wasn't mentioned that they would walk home with no other destinations. If I stopped and thought about it, I see cars waiting at our local bus stop so even going to the other house and stops notwithstanding, I should have maybe thought they wouldn't be able to walk from the bus stop.

My friend couldn't qualify the creepiness at all, it was just a vibe and he's never been anything but nice to her at all. DH has met him once or twice so I'll get his opinion.  We are definitely having him over (this weekend actually), but she jumped in and asked after accepting our invitation. Bc most good people reciprocate  I can make an excuse once, but I don't know how to avoid it in perpetuity.

[Deleted]

1. I always make sure when we take other kids that I ahve a booster in the van for them.


2. I would not let him go. I don't really let my kids unsupervised around anyone other than grandparents at this point in their lives though. I have a BIL that also gives me a weird vibe and I watch him like a hawk around my kids. I am a bit extreme in this.... but it makes me comfortable. We will reassess our way of thinking as the kids get older.

[readyin07]

May 4, 2015 14:12:16 GMT -5 ijack said:

1. I wouldn't be happy with that and anyone in my car would be properly restrained.
2. My answer to this is really long and complicated but I wouldn't let my kid go to a house or be alone with people I hadn't discussed our body safety/awareness rules with. I know it probably sounds very over protective, but it's something I'm kind of anal about.

So with #2, you have a conversation with the "host" family? Can you give me an idea how that goes down?

I hate having to let go. I was really shy as a kid. I always wanted to be home so we ALWAYS hosted. My son is not like this though. And my good friends when I was young had working parents and siblings and my mom was SAH with just me so they were normally happy to drop their kids off and would ask my mom to do sports pick up until school was over and that kind of thing. And my parents were awesome, but I'm thinking back to being a kid and my parents had lots of close friends and family who would come over even when I had friends over just to stop by and my friends were exposed to those people  that their parents probably never met. I mean my two best friends were around literally all the time and vacationed with my extended family so eventually they got to know them, but at first they probably had only met my parents. You just can't plan for every eventuality, you know?

[EmilieMadison]

So many parents are super breezy about this but I would flip the fuck out. Seriously. 
Because 1) no one should drive your child anywhere unless you've given them express permission, and a booster if they dont have one, 2) he wasn't where you thought he would be, and 3) no one thought to tell you any of this beforehand. 

I wouldn't do anything after the fact, but I wouldn't let my kid have playdates with that kid again unless I dropped him off, was clear that he couldn't go anywhere, and then picked him up. 

ETA: Trust your gut about dad. If you dont want your kid alone with him, that's your call and I couldn't judge you for it. 

[readyin07]

May 4, 2015 15:30:48 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

So many parents are super breezy about this but I would flip the fuck out. Seriously. 
Because 1) no one should drive your child anywhere unless you've given them express permission, and a booster if they dont have one, 2) he wasn't where you thought he would be, and 3) no one thought to tell you any of this beforehand. 

I wouldn't do anything after the fact, but I wouldn't let my kid have playdates with that kid again unless I dropped him off, was clear that he couldn't go anywhere, and then picked him up. 

ETA: Trust your gut about dad. If you dont want your kid alone with him, that's your call and I couldn't judge you for it. 

Lol. I want so badly to be breezy b/c DH already thinks I'm making the kids as neurotic as I am.

I thought it was just weird none of this was told to me too. Like if I am watching your child, I'm probably going to be watching him/her even more than my own. In all the communications she told me oh my DS wants to invite your DS for a playdate. So I also thought it was also slightly odd that I wasn't told that there was actually another child invited home for the play date as well. Not like a neighborhood child who just showed up, another invited child. If it was me, I would be giving ALL the information.

[definitelyO]

#1 - I'd be upset that they took your kid somewhere w/o telling you.

for #2. DS's BFF's dad is socially odd. for the longest time I didn't think he liked me - he wasn't rude - but just a bit awkward. I'm friends with the mom and she's great. After a few months I found out that the reason he's socially oddis that he has Aspegers. that explained a LOT - a LOT. but creepy =/= socially odd to me - so I'd have to gain better insight into that before letting DS stay over.

[sandyapples]

May 4, 2015 15:19:22 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

May 4, 2015 14:24:26 GMT -5 sandyapples said:

1. I am not helicoptery, at all. I would be pissed if someone took my DD in a car with no car seat or booster. I would expect to be told if my kid was taken anywhere but the house I sent her to. I would not drive a five year old in my car with no booster.

2. I would not send my kid somewhere if I thought the dad was creepy. Can you have the child over to your house instead?

Sigh. I'm not mad. I need to learn to ask better questions and realize not everyone lives in the hyper-vigilant bubble that I try to I just assumed since it wasn't mentioned that they would walk home with no other destinations. If I stopped and thought about it, I see cars waiting at our local bus stop so even going to the other house and stops notwithstanding, I should have maybe thought they wouldn't be able to walk from the bus stop.

My friend couldn't qualify the creepiness at all, it was just a vibe and he's never been anything but nice to her at all. DH has met him once or twice so I'll get his opinion.  We are definitely having him over (this weekend actually), but she jumped in and asked after accepting our invitation. Bc most good people reciprocate  I can make an excuse once, but I don't know how to avoid it in perpetuity.

This actually makes me think because DD has a friend whose dad is a little weird and the Mom is a touch strange too. I don't think I would let her have a play date there without me there. Ugh now I hope that it doesn't come up.

[ijack]

May 4, 2015 15:27:12 GMT -5 readyin07 said:

May 4, 2015 14:12:16 GMT -5 ijack said:

1. I wouldn't be happy with that and anyone in my car would be properly restrained.
2. My answer to this is really long and complicated but I wouldn't let my kid go to a house or be alone with people I hadn't discussed our body safety/awareness rules with. I know it probably sounds very over protective, but it's something I'm kind of anal about.

So with #2, you have a conversation with the "host" family? Can you give me an idea how that goes down?

I hate having to let go. I was really shy as a kid. I always wanted to be home so we ALWAYS hosted. My son is not like this though. And my good friends when I was young had working parents and siblings and my mom was SAH with just me so they were normally happy to drop their kids off and would ask my mom to do sports pick up until school was over and that kind of thing. And my parents were awesome, but I'm thinking back to being a kid and my parents had lots of close friends and family who would come over even when I had friends over just to stop by and my friends were exposed to those people  that their parents probably never met. I mean my two best friends were around literally all the time and vacationed with my extended family so eventually they got to know them, but at first they probably had only met my parents. You just can't plan for every eventuality, you know?

The idea is that you are creating an "aware" community for your children. And it's not always comfortable to talk to other people about. This is the class that I took and it's really an awesome resource parentingsafechildren.com. It's not really about your kids being able to protect themselves, it's about you letting the people around them know that your family is doing what it can to prevent abuse (obviously nothing is a sure thing).
Here is a list of some of the "rules" that I pulled off the website.
Body-Safety Rules
Our children have been taught body-safety rules and we ask that you reinforce these rules.
• Our children do not touch other people’s private parts and no one is allowed to touch theirs.
• Our children have been taught to obey authority figures, unless the authority figure asks them to break any of their body-safety rules or jeopardizes their safety in any way, in which case they have been given permission to say “No” to the person.
• Our children have been instructed to tell a safe adult if anyone tries to break any of their body-safety rules or asks them to do anything that worries or frightens them.
• Furthermore, we have open communication with our children and no topics are off-limits.
• Our children have been taught not to keep secrets from us.

I'm lucky that most of my friends have taken this same class so having the conversation isn't as hard. But I would say "hey Sue, we're really excited to have you come over and hang out and DS is really excited to go to your house after that. Before the kids play though I wanted to let you know that we have some body safety rules that we follow at our house and get feedback from you on house rules that you may have. My kids are the boss of their bodies and we've taught them that they can disobey an adult if they don't feel their body is safe. We also have a rule that they keep their clothes on when they're at someone's house or someone is visiting us (this is a big one for us because my youngest always wants to take her clothes off in weird places)...."
Here is maybe a better post about it
blog.parentingsafechildren.com/2015/04/i-am-radical-mama.html
It's definitely an awkward conversation to have and maybe it would be easier over email. IMO it's along the same lines as asking about car seat logistics or if someone has a gun in the house (which I know is controversial). I do think that since she already mentioned her husband will be there that she may be more open to this conversation than you're imagining.

[ijack]

And obviously everyone has things that they're breezy or not about. This is one of my things

[oliveyou]

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

Well things were a lot different back then.  Now it's actually the law (where I live at least) for children to be in a booster until age 8 or 4'9".

[speckledfrog]

My three year old is still rear facing, so you can guess how I'd feel about the booster. I agree that this is more of a lesson learned about asking more questions and finding out more about what's going on during the play date.

[ijack]

May 4, 2015 16:33:57 GMT -5 oliveyou said:

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

Well things were a lot different back then.  Now it's actually the law (where I live at least) for children to be in a booster until age 8 or 4'9".

Yeah, my kid just moved into a booster a couple months before her 7th bday and will probably be there for a while.

[ECB]

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

do you mean a car seat like a 5 point or do you mean ANY restraining device, including booster seats?

[EmilieMadison]

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

Um, ok?
6 year olds still need to be in a booster, at minimum. Because laws. And physics. And also because 6 year olds dont get to make the rules. 

[ECB]

May 4, 2015 16:59:18 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

Um, ok?
6 year olds still need to be in a booster, at minimum. Because laws. And physics. And also because 6 year olds dont get to make the rules. 

I'm hoping she'll answer my question because I could see, MAYBE, A 6 year old being embarrassed about a 5 point if all their friends are in boosters.

but past that, yup. Laws. It's 8 or 80 in my state and ALL kids DS's age are in boosters. No one cares. 

[ijack]

May 4, 2015 17:09:57 GMT -5 mofongo said:

When you say bus, do you mean school bus? I would never take anyone's kids in my car without permission, obviously not everyone feels the same.

Six does seem old for a 5 point harness, isn't it weight driven? When they switch to a booster?

My 6yo was in a 5pt harness because it's either 4yrs or 40lbs and we chose to use 40lbs as a guide (she's 7yo and 42lbs now) .

[lilafowler]

I'm sitting in my car seat right now.

[readyin07]

May 4, 2015 17:15:29 GMT -5 ijack said:

May 4, 2015 17:09:57 GMT -5 mofongo said:

When you say bus, do you mean school bus? I would never take anyone's kids in my car without permission, obviously not everyone feels the same.

Six does seem old for a 5 point harness, isn't it weight driven? When they switch to a booster?

My 6yo was in a 5pt harness because it's either 4yrs or 40lbs and we chose to use 40lbs as a guide (she's 7yo and 42lbs now) .

He is in a nautilus. The guidelines are 65 pounds or 49 inches for the 5 point. He is 45 pounds and like 47 inches (just confirmed bc he was a touch too small to ride something he wanted to at animal kingdom last week. His height is like 75th percentile so I would think a good many 6 year olds Could be riding in a 5 point. Embarrassing or not I feel better with that harness, but we will likely switch soon. 

And yes school bus. 

[EmilieMadison]

May 4, 2015 17:09:57 GMT -5 mofongo said:

When you say bus, do you mean school bus? I would never take anyone's kids in my car without permission, obviously not everyone feels the same.

Six does seem old for a 5 point harness, isn't it weight driven? When they switch to a booster?

The bare minimum for a booster is 4 years old AND 40 lbs. But age is important, too, because most 4 year olds are nowhere near ready for a booster. Boosters are not restraints, they simply "boost" the child up so that the seat belt fits them better. 4 year olds still wiggle, twist, lean over and fall asleep. Honestly, a lot 5 and 6 year olds do too, which is why most kids aren't ready for a booster until around age 6. 

Most harnessed seats on the market now are made for kids up to 65 lbs or approx 50 inches. The average 6 year old is about 50 lbs and around 42". 

[isabel]

2. My best friend from middle school and high school has the weirdest dad. The man is so socially awkward. That said, he is in no way creepy or concerning. I think he may be on the spectrum. Trust your gut. People can be weird without there being reason for concern.

[isabel]

May 4, 2015 16:33:57 GMT -5 oliveyou said:

May 4, 2015 16:22:30 GMT -5 tillie said:

Not a parent BUT I would have poked my eyes out if my mom made me use a car seat...at 6... on a play date.

#2, I'd go with my gut.

Well things were a lot different back then.  Now it's actually the law (where I live at least) for children to be in a booster until age 8 or 4'9".

I'm only 3" taller than that height requirement. 

[dianecourt]

May 4, 2015 18:06:08 GMT -5 isabel said:

May 4, 2015 16:33:57 GMT -5 oliveyou said:

Well things were a lot different back then.  Now it's actually the law (where I live at least) for children to be in a booster until age 8 or 4'9".

I'm only 3" taller than that height requirement. 

Wait until you get older and start shrinking!  Back to the booster for you!