Suggestions welcome and therapy question LONG

[awfulwife]

PDQ, may delete. Also, sorry it's long. 

This is an ae - I really only stick to one board and am not super active, but I feel totally ashamed, so ae it is. I also didn't really know what board to put this on, so hopefully you don't mind it here.  

Let me preface this by saying my H and I have been together 10 years. I love him, things are great 95% of the time.  However, in our VERY immature and drunken college years together, before marriage, things got violent probably 3 times.  In the 7 years since college, maybe once. 4 times total in 10 years, so definitely not an every day occurrence. It's obviously a problem though because 1 time is too many. 

Unfortunately (although still fortunately I guess) I can't say it's his fault. It happened a 5th time on Friday night. We got into a stupid fight, and he definitely knows how to push my buttons when we argue. He did, I got even more mad, left our house, and came back just as angry. The he ignored me when I was trying to talk to him, and I swung at him to try and get his attention. I intended it to be more of a slap, but then it escalated from there. For the most part he roughly played defense, but he did grab my arm so roughly that it's bruised and swollen. 


Let me just say I know this is my fault. I am fully aware that nobody deserves this, especially my husband. I felt/feel awful about everything, but I also feel scared by it. I'm not typically a violent person at all!  I should add that each time this has happened I've been drunk. I also want to mention that I maybe drink once a week, and usually not to get drunk, so I don't feel it's a drinking problem, but a violence one. 

Okay, after that full wall o'words, I want to let you all know I have my first therapy session tomorrow. Right away Saturday I started researching therapists, because I obviously need help.  My first question, though, is the therapist going to have to report domestic abuse to the cops?  Or anyone?  My second question is, does anyone know of any good books, groups, resources I should check out?  Like I said, it's only happened about 5x in 10 years, but I do think it's a problem and it scares me. It scares me how violent I can get, how violent I think I could get toward myself, and how destructive I could probably become. I love my life and I really don't want to fuck it up more than I have. 


Anyway, any help, advice, words of wisdom anyone could spare would be very welcome. Flame away if you need, but I already feel terrible enough so if you could hold back I'd really appreciate it. 

TL;DR - I'm a horrible wife who gets violent sometimes when I'm drunk. Is a therapist going to have to turn me in, and is there anything you recommend I do/read/watch to help me never repeat this crazy? 

[SwimDeep]

I have a lot to say about this, but the short version is both simple and also possibly the most difficult thing you could do:

STOP DRINKING

[bullygirl979]

Yes, I agree with you that you hitting your husband is your fault and that he doesn't deserve it. However, it is concerning to me that he deliberately tries to push your buttons. The issues in your marriage are both of your faults. Also, do you even remember what happened that night? Are you sure that he didn't get physically violent with you? Playing defense is one thing but the fact that your arm was swollen and bruised makes me wonder.

I think you really need to stop drinking, you need to stay in individual therapy, and you also need couples therapy.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

A therapist is generally only obligated to report abuse of children or the elderly, so that's the answer to your first question.

If drinking is more important to you than having a peaceful relationship and not acting out, you need AA. This is, at least in part, a drinking problem. You need to stop.

At the least, you need an anger management support group. The way you are acting is not normal or healthy, but you're not alone. It will help you to learn how to process your emotions appropriately with other people.

[tiramisu]

As long as you and your husband are both over the age of 18 and there were no children who witnessed the incident, no, the therapist will not turn you in to authorities. You needed to be honest with the therapist about everything, including the mutual escalation.

I agree, the #1 thing you can do is stop drinking. You and alcohol are not friends at this point.

[awfulwife]

May 11, 2015 20:36:30 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Yes, I agree with you that you hitting your husband is your fault and that he doesn't deserve it. However, it is concerning to me that he deliberately tries to push your buttons. The issues in your marriage are both of your faults. Also, do you even remember what happened that night? Are you sure that he didn't get
physically violent with you? Playing defense is one thing but the fact that your arm was swollen and bruised makes me wonder.

I think you really need to stop drinking, you need to stay in individual therapy, and you also need couples therapy.

You're right - for the most part it was playing defense but he did get rough with me too. The problems in our marriage are definitely both of our faults, but the violence started with me. 

I think you're all right about stopping drinking. I mean, I'm not a heavy drinker and we've drank hundreds of times together without incident in our 10 years, but this has never happened when we've been sober.  

[awfulwife]

May 11, 2015 20:39:47 GMT -5 lyssbobiss, Command, B613 said:

A therapist is generally only obligated to report abuse of children or the elderly, so that's the answer to your first question.

If drinking is more important to you than having a peaceful relationship and not acting out, you need AA. This is, at least in part, a drinking problem. You need to stop.

At the least, you need an anger management support group. The way you are acting is not normal or healthy, but you're not alone. It will help you to learn how to process your emotions appropriately with other people.

Drinking has never been more important to me than anything, and I do agree about stopping. 

Thanks for saying this part - I know there are others but God it's shameful that I can't even process my own anger correctly. I feel like the rest of my life is so plainly normal and put together, but I can't even get mad when I have alcohol in me or I'll possibly hulk out?  What the hell? 

[bullygirl979]

May 11, 2015 21:19:50 GMT -5 awfulwife said:

May 11, 2015 20:36:30 GMT -5 bullygirl979 said:

Yes, I agree with you that you hitting your husband is your fault and that he doesn't deserve it. However, it is concerning to me that he deliberately tries to push your buttons. The issues in your marriage are both of your faults. Also, do you even remember what happened that night? Are you sure that he didn't get
physically violent with you? Playing defense is one thing but the fact that your arm was swollen and bruised makes me wonder.

I think you really need to stop drinking, you need to stay in individual therapy, and you also need couples therapy.

You're right - for the most part it was playing defense but he did get rough with me too. The problems in our marriage are definitely both of our faults, but the violence started with me. 

I think you're all right about stopping drinking. I mean, I'm not a heavy drinker and we've drank hundreds of times together without incident in our 10 years, but this has never happened when we've been sober.  

You may have started it, but it doesn't give him a free pass to be violent with you.