Post by mamaalysson on May 19, 2015 21:25:07 GMT -5
DH was an hour late getting home from work. An hour. And not because of traffic or some uncontrollable circumstance. He had a happy hour event that he said he would leave at 6, and he didn't leave until almost 7. I was pissed and hung up on him when he called. i fed the kids already, but I'm sure our dinner is all dried out. And this was just the wrong day for it. I'm still pissed. So, what's the approach here? Raving and angry? Scary and silent? Or throw a frying pan at him (kidding...I really like my frying pan)?
Eh I always just come out and say what I feel. So In your case I would be like I am angry/sad etc bc you said x but did y and that makes me feel ....because you...
I can't stand the silent treatment. I think your h should have to get an earful though bc that's annoying.
It depends on how bad a day I had, and whether he knew or not. If he already knew you were having a rough day, failed to call and say he'd be late, then left an hour late, I'd probably be pissed too. Silent treatment. (Innocent frypans should be left out of marital disputes)
:ducks for cover: if this isn't a pattern and he was at a work event I would let it slide.
No need to duck - I won't throw my frying pan. ;-) But no way. It's not a pattern for him to stay at a happy hour thing late, but he works too much, is traveling a lot, and frankly it feels like we, and in particular our relationship, falls to the bottom of his priority list. We literally just had a conversation about this in regards to a trip he is taking in a few weeks, and he kind of shut me down and said that wasn't true. Well now he blows off (or it feels like he blows off) coming home at a reasonable hour. So, nope, no passes for this guy. I will probably start with the silent treatment, and see if he offers up an apology. Then it's convo time.
It depends on how bad a day I had, and whether he knew or not. If he already knew you were having a rough day, failed to call and say he'd be late, then left an hour late, I'd probably be pissed too. Silent treatment. (Innocent frypans should be left out of marital disputes)
Today was just flat out awful, with both kids. He didn't know that, so he gets a little pass for not acknowledging a rough day, but he was very specific last night, and even in a text late this afternoon, that he would leave by 6 and be home at a normal time. I promise not to throw any frying pans, but I am leaving it out for him to clean.
H and I have a big blow out once a year about this. It's disrespectful. I don't care if he goes to happy hour, but don't tell me x and then do y. It's rude and drives me freaking crazy. I understand why you are pissed and I do give the silent treatment only because if I say something when Im pissed I say really awful things I don't mean.
Yes! This exactly! I can't argue well when I am steaming mad. I cry and say things I don't mean. And I can't think straight or really hear what he is saying. So scary silent treatment until I know what to say.
I'm so used to DH's job being difficult to work around. But on the weekends he is really good about it being family time and he leaves work at work. If he's at a work event it's difficult for him to leave early. However if this was just happy hour with his co workers that's a different story!
I'm sorry you had a rough day. I know it's hard when you think DH will be home at a certain time and he's not.
Post by amynumbers on May 19, 2015 21:54:57 GMT -5
Wait, is this "happy hour" happy hour, or a work happy hour with a certain obligation?
IDK if one of us is going to happy hour, it's just assumed the other is dealing with dinner, bath and bed. Moreso if it's a work thing. I get it, but I also think sometimes it's easy to forget what work life is like, and how sometimes crap like that is just what you have to do for one reason or another.
Wait, is this "happy hour" happy hour, or a work happy hour with a certain obligation?
IDK if one of us is going to happy hour, it's just assumed the other is dealing with dinner, bath and bed. Moreso if it's a work thing. I get it, but I also think sometimes it's easy to forget what work life is like, and how sometimes crap like that is just what you have to do for one reason or another.
He was honored a few months ago as one of our city's "40 Under 40", and this was a happy hour with the other honorees. Not anything he was required to go to. And we try to have a rule that he can't have two consecutive nights where he misses dinner/bedtime. He has another event tomorrow night which is more mandatory and which will require he misses dinner and bedtime. And he was gone this weekend at a conference. So, he said he would do the happy hour but be home at his normal time. I mean, I get it - work stuff comes up and takes him away from home, and I am pretty damn understanding and accommodating. But this is way too much right now, and bottom line he said he would be home at a certain time and he just blew that off. Disrespectful.
I would tell him you are upset that he told you one thing then did another and then drop it. I really hate the silent treatment but I'm that bitch who will say something every single time.
I'd take a nut. Preferably the left one. Just kidding of course. I actually was waiting for more, like he was an hour late and had lipstick on his collar. Was it inconsiderate of him not to shoot you a txt, absolutely, but I wouldn't go to bed mad about it.
I hate silent treatment - I actually have major issues with it so I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be raging mad either. I would have another talk with him about your issues with this and let him do the clean up of dinner. He could of at least texted or called you to let you know he would be late.
If I gave DH the silent treatment every time he was an hour late we would never speak. Him repeatedly telling you he would be there and then coming an hour late though would bug, especially if he said so just a few hours before. I would just address it head on. For DH these cocktail hours, last minute drinks after work, etc are hugely important for making and cementing contacts so he misses bedtime a lot and it's usually unplanned. Sorry you had a bad day.
If I gave DH the silent treatment every time he was an hour late we would never speak. Him repeatedly telling you he would be there and then coming an hour late though would bug, especially if he said so just a few hours before. I would just address it head on. For DH these cocktail hours, last minute drinks after work, etc are hugely important for making and cementing contacts so he misses bedtime a lot and it's usually unplanned. Sorry you had a bad day.
Yep, that's what it was. He got caught up schmoozing and trying to recruit these other service-oriented professionals into his rotary club. Dork. ;-) Anyway, I came out from putting DS to bed and he had dished up and heated up my dinner, poured me a glass of wine, and proceeded to ask me all about my day. He apologized and did all the dinner dishes. I forgive him.
Post by Kcthepouchh8r on May 20, 2015 5:39:04 GMT -5
I get all the hulk rage when dh does this. I get it, work is important, important business can happen at those kinds of social functions. How freaking hard is it to excuse yourself to the bathroom and send a quick text that says sorry, running late, be home at x? With that being said as long as he grovels I get over it pretty quick.
Wait, is this "happy hour" happy hour, or a work happy hour with a certain obligation?
IDK if one of us is going to happy hour, it's just assumed the other is dealing with dinner, bath and bed. Moreso if it's a work thing. I get it, but I also think sometimes it's easy to forget what work life is like, and how sometimes crap like that is just what you have to do for one reason or another.
He was honored a few months ago as one of our city's "40 Under 40", and this was a happy hour with the other honorees. Not anything he was required to go to. And we try to have a rule that he can't have two consecutive nights where he misses dinner/bedtime. He has another event tomorrow night which is more mandatory and which will require he misses dinner and bedtime. And he was gone this weekend at a conference. So, he said he would do the happy hour but be home at his normal time. I mean, I get it - work stuff comes up and takes him away from home, and I am pretty damn understanding and accommodating. But this is way too much right now, and bottom line he said he would be home at a certain time and he just blew that off. Disrespectful.
IDK, I really think you are over reacting. He was named one of the "40 Under 40"? Of course it was better for him to be there, even if it wasn't mandatory. TBH, I would think spouses would have been there too.
Could he have sent a text? Sure. But I'm not that far removed from the game that I totally forget how this stuff works either -- you need to cut him some slack here. He wasn't sitting in the corner bar with some bros.
And it sucks when they aren't around. I get it. I want to rage at the world when DH travels. But the fact that his job is the way it is why I don't work as much -- someone has to hold down the fort. And yeah sometimes that includes drinks.
It does suck, but unless this is something that happens on a regular basis I would give him a pass. I think it's easy to lose track if time when you are at a social event like happy hour. Glad he apologized though. Maybe you earned yourself a night out out with your girlfriends
I'd totally be pissed at the moment, but 40 under 40 is a big deal and networking is priceless so I'd def get over it, especially considering what he did when you got home! Clearly he felt bad,
I think those are the kind of functions you just don't know how it's going to go and when you'll be able to leave until you're in the thick of it. It sounds like the crappy day you were already having is what made it seem worse.
Honestly HH are networking to me and I consider it part of his job. He would rather be out with friends than at a HH kissing ass.
I get how frustrating it can be when you have young kids and feel you are doing it alone.
I always plan to be the sole parent on HH nights. If he gets home early great if not I am not disappointed.
DH has meetings 2-3 nights a week and uses these to network so going to get a drink after is the norm. It took a long time for me to readjust my thinking about what time he should be home. When I stopped expecting him to walk in the door at 5:30 I became much happier. We are lucky that he owns the company so he does go in a little later on the mornings he has meetings so he can hang out with us. He throws me all off when he gets home at a normal hour now because we have gotten in a routine.
It still sucks when I have had one of those days and just want to be done.
I am glad you were able to make up! I totally get your frustration though. DH often doesn't call/text when knows he will be late due to a meeting. Just a quick message is all I ask - then I will feed our hungry kids and not wait for you.
I also completely understand feeling like everything else takes priority over home life and how it hurts and can amplify smaller issues. I get upset by the small stuff more than I should because it is really about the bigger problem. His company is pretty notorious for work/life balance issues, especially at his level and while I truly do appreciate all of his hard work and what he does for our family, it can really hurt when it feels like he is not present for us.
Post by mamaalysson on May 20, 2015 11:32:21 GMT -5
I get what you all are saying, and to reiterate, I'm over it. We're good. But I don't think I was out of line to be pissed. Yes, he has a job and community interests that mean he is gone long hours, and happy hours are networking opportunities that are hard to pass up. I am very used to the sun-up to sun-down parenting gig, and usually handle it fine. But, it doesn't mean that it doesn't get tiring, and it doesn't mean that I can't ask him to make sure his priorities are in check every once in a while and that he is keeping in mind that when he is gone for three days, and then works three consecutive late nights and a few ungodly early mornings, it takes a toll on all of us. And, bottom line, when he says he is going to be home at a certain time, and says it more than once, I expect him to be home at that time (give or take 10/15 minutes), or send a quick text when he realizes he's going to be late. Anything else feels disrespectful and inconsiderate. But we're good. He has another function tonight, but at least I am mentally prepared for that and know going into the day that I am on my own through bedtime.
Post by amynumbers on May 20, 2015 11:51:44 GMT -5
I had to do this crap, a lot, in my former life. Put in 8-9 hours, then show up for drinks and or dinner, the. Get right back at it. I was summoned to drinks with my boss at 5:00 pm more often than I can count. Even what was presented as a purely social gathering almost always had some sort of underlying current about my job. The people who didn't commit where out of the loop.
I would be pissed if my husband thought in that scenario that my first priority should always be getting home for dinner and bed. Especially if we had jointly made the decision that one of us would be put there working. That is work -- I remember it well. And those social occasions are way more important to the survival of a one income family than helping with bath.
I just think saying he is disrespectful and had his priorities out of whack is BS when he is the breadwinner.