Post by pinkdutchtulips on May 22, 2015 23:19:44 GMT -5
I was recognized last night by DD's GS Service Unit for Rookie Volunteer of the Year ... an award made possible by the fact that I left my husband
If I was still married there is no way in hell I would have had the ability to do anything beyond troop leader bc xh would have thought I was cheating on him or sulk n pout bc I wasn't devoting every spare moment on him
MyName I sort of don't have feelings like this either. Like I've never really felt the urge to tell anyone I love them. I agree on the fun, convenient semi-detached relationships. Like the guy I'm dating right now I like more than I have liked anyone. We've been dating for eight weeks. I have no desire to even remotely tell him I love him. When I'm old I want to move to the Villages in Florida. www.thevillages.com/
It's like an entire town of a retirement Village with activities and everyone drives a golf cart. There are lots of single people there by nature. Swimming! Pilates! Pinochle! Cermaics! And that all before noon.
These are less than an hour away from me, and after looking I feel like this could be a really cool place to live because it might be great for my mom. Thanks for sharing!!
I guess this is as good as any place to being sad/confused/hurt that Vegas still has hang ups with his ex who is no where near my level. When I think those thoughts, I try to remind myself that there is more to someone than how they look, but come on...you are supposed trade up!
I guess this is as good as any place to being sad/confused/hurt that Vegas still has hang ups with his ex who is no where near my level. When I think those thoughts, I try to remind myself that there is more to someone than how they look, but come on...you are supposed trade up!
I didn't know you were still together! I hope he deserves you, lady. (heart)
Oh, we're not, lol. We broke up, or whatever it is called when you're never actually together, 2 weeks ago because of the ex-girlfriend hang-up/issues.
There should be no hang-ups on past lovers when I'm around!
Post by cuddlyevil on May 23, 2015 10:19:09 GMT -5
It's not the same, but I always judge the guys who don't put as much effort into their appearance as their girlfriends. It annoys me when I see a girl dressed in a nice outfit and she's with a guy who's in crappy shorts and a t shirt. Doesn't matter who is more attractive, just irritating that the guy won't put any extra effort in.
I AM BUTT HURT NOBODY HERE VALIDATED ME AS HOT. And, a few of y'all have seen TLs picture, I'm correct he is a hottie, yes?
You are both hot. I haven't seen his pic, but I've heard...
In my marriage, we were of equal hotness at the beginning. Years of emotional turmoil left me looking pretty rough by the time we split up, but I've rebounded.
In my current relationship, I'm probably the hotter one...but I'm a good bit younger, and have a slightly more polished style than my very laid back BF, so that probably adds to the perception that I'm the hotter one. I personally think he's adorable, and have never really thought of either of us as settling or reaching, though.
It's not the same, but I always judge the guys who don't put as much effort into their appearance as their girlfriends. It annoys me when I see a girl dressed in a nice outfit and she's with a guy who's in crappy shorts and a t shirt. Doesn't matter who is more attractive, just irritating that the guy won't put any extra effort in.
This is often me and T. I tend to overdress, he likes to be comfortable. I'll ask him to change into something nicer if I feel like he really should for where we're going, but otherwise I just let him be himself. That's who I married. He usually knows when he needs to step it up though.
This who's more attractive conversation is hitting a nerve in the most annoying way based on past experiences. I'm very short and a bit plump, though I think I am attractive. When my marriage was falling apart as a result of my husband unraveling , trading all day therapy for his ED for all day therapy for his substance abuse, he made sure to tell me, on a day that i was picking him up from treatment, that one of the women in rehab had commented about "why he was with that short fat girl". Fuck you bitch and fuck you ex. He's a mess, i was definitely the settler, but in that moment and others like it the double standard punched me right in the face.
katieido I feel ya. I've tired to stay away from those posts because I find it personally upsetting. I'm not the most attractive person and I'm a little chubby right now. But you know what? I'm a pretty awesome person. I've dated men before who definitely were the one who settled looks wise but that's where it ends. One them is in jail now soooooo. Also it's sooo subjective. I know those men found me attractive and in the end who cares what others think. But yes I'm sure a lot of this comes from the emotional abuse of my ex. Who told me all the time how ugly and gross I was.
katieido I feel ya. I've tired to stay away from those posts because I find it personally upsetting. I'm not the most attractive person and I'm a little chubby right now. But you know what? I'm a pretty awesome person. I've dated men before who definitely were the one who settled looks wise but that's where it ends. One them is in jail now soooooo. Also it's sooo subjective. I know those men found me attractive and in the end who cares what others think. But yes I'm sure a lot of this comes from the emotional abuse of my ex. Who told me all the time how ugly and gross I was.
I saw the video and you were more attractive than him, and on top of it he was hideous on the inside too which you are not. I think its all subjective, my ex definitely got more fit than me toward the end of our relationship, but I definitely would not say he became hotter.
I have a hard time saying who is MORE attractive in my relationships a lot of times because I typically think we are both very attractive. I have never viewed any of my exes as more attractive than me, but I also wouldn't confidently say I am way hotter or anything either.
Post by cuddlyevil on May 23, 2015 11:55:58 GMT -5
I always stay out of these posts because it makes me sad. Like I am pretty sure I was the settler with stbx but I still don't always see myself as good enough for the guys I want.
Post by jellymankelly on May 23, 2015 12:08:41 GMT -5
So after reading all of these posts this morning, BF and I talked about that concept. He said there's usually some sort of equalizer - like what Jenny said: Her H is the hot one, but she makes more money. Maybe the BF is less hot, but the hot GF has personal drama. Maybe the GF is less hot, but the hot BF is boring. I know for sure in my relationship, regardless of who is hotter, I have a schedule that makes me difficult to be in a relationship with. You have to know that dating me means that you might not see me as often as you'd like. I also have the XH factor, and the fact that some of the women he brings into the picture seem to like to invite me into their drama (like the one who went out with one of BF's coworkers, who we didn't even know that well, and told him all about my XH and his connection to my BF). You have to be patient to deal with that shit. So, I think when you add it all up, people who are happy in relationships tend to look at the sum of the parts and realize that the person they are with is worth it, regardless of any 1 thing not being up to par.
Post by jojoandleo on May 23, 2015 12:17:20 GMT -5
I'm sorry if I upset people. I get its a flameful opinion, hence why I posted it here. I get it is way superficial and looks are not at all indicative of how awesome a person is. I would never voice my opinion to someone asking why they are together because that is stupid. I'm not with H because of how he looks.
It is almost certainly just me projecting my insecurities jojo. I didn't intend to call your confession out. Especially since I was essentially caretaking my ex when this happened, and so much of our martial strife stemmed from his pathological insecurities and my enabling them. This person who judged my fatness was an addict, and my husband was an addict and severely anorexic. But i know the reality is that these kinds of snap judgements are probably always going to be reality. Which is a shame because I for one am totally rad.
"Everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can come together." ~Marilyn Monroe
I brought it up with trivia guy last night and his feelings got hurt. LOL. He was all "OF COURSE I think you're the hotter one, but I don't want YOU to think you're the hotter one, too!" I think he has insecurities with the idea of me leaving him for someone better - thanks ex wife for telling him he wasn't enough! cool, man.
anyway. Poor guy. Here I was just trying to be silly.
Jojo-ruining lives since 1985 (that's when I REALLY started talking).
i think everyone here is rad. My snap judgments don't stay that way. I knew a guy who was Neville Longbottom all grown up hot and the girl was me hot. Once I got to know them, he was so FUCKING boring. NO personality. She was awesome. My opinion flipped after that to "what is this awesome person doing with that piece of toast?"
Post by Mrs.Rad888 on May 23, 2015 21:30:34 GMT -5
One thing to keep in mind is that as you get to know someone, their inner person that you get to know starts shining through. I know it's a cliche, but it's true. When I was a teen (17-ish) I went out with this guy who I met at his job at Spencers at the mall. Dude was totally out of my league, looks-wise. When I'd go to visit him at work, there were always girls gathered around him. Really, I never understood what attracted him to me, because I was cute, but I wasn't hot, and he was. Anywho, as I got to know him, while I still liked him, his hotness cooled significantly. I just wasn't as attracted to him as I originally was. He wasn't a bad guy, there just wasn't much chemistry. The flip side of that is when I met a guy when I was stationed in Alaska. Our jobs made us cross paths quite a bit. At first, I didn't think he was that good looking, but as I got to know him, he got better looking to me, and at one point I definitely would have considered him hot (minus points because he wouldn't go down on me). Besides, how many of us here know someone who is totally hot, but just an awful person? Probably all of us. Whenever I am out in public, and I start feeling down about how I look, I just look around and tell myself that there are people skinnier than me, and bigger than me. There are people better looking than me, and not as good looking as me. There's usually no one around that has better hair than me, so I got that one. We all fall somewhere in the middle. Not average, none of us are average. But somewhere in the middle.
Post by verycontrary247 on May 24, 2015 0:27:40 GMT -5
Karaoke dude is extremely good looking. Like, I'm pretty sure people are judging me when we're together. I typically gravitate to less classically handsome men, so this is weird and a little uncomfortable.
Someone new I met at a friends housewarming party sent me a message saying it was nice to meet me yadda yadda and that I was a "buffet of sexiness"- which I assume was supposed to be a compliment, but instead I felt like it was insulting. I'm large, cheap and a bunch of people have had their hands on me? Fuck you dude! Get some better compliments before talking to me!
I brought it up with trivia guy last night and his feelings got hurt. LOL. He was all "OF COURSE I think you're the hotter one, but I don't want YOU to think you're the hotter one, too!" I think he has insecurities with the idea of me leaving him for someone better - thanks ex wife for telling him he wasn't enough! cool, man.
anyway. Poor guy. Here I was just trying to be silly.
I have no idea how you thought telling someone that you are the better looking half of your relationship would be funny- and then laugh when they got upset about it. Really poor taste.
If someone vocalized that to me, despite the fact I obviously was already aware, I would be extremely hurt. I'm all about honesty, but was this necessary?
And the whole "blaming the exwife" thing- you are now openly contributing to his insecurities too. Maybe you should tread a little lighter in your humor next time.
I have no idea how you thought telling someone that you are the better looking half of your relationship would be funny- and then laugh when they got upset about it. Really poor taste.
If someone vocalized that to me, despite the fact I obviously was already aware, I would be extremely hurt. I'm all about honesty, but was this necessary?
And the whole "blaming the exwife" thing- you are now openly contributing to his insecurities too. Maybe you should tread a little lighter in your humor next time.
Obviously you only know what I posted here and how I posted it- and not the actual discussion. So I take your comments with a grain of salt. I didn't laugh when he got upset about it. At all. You weren't there. I texted mcc how upset I was about it. I had made a silly comment about har har it's a good thing studies show that when the hotter one is a chick the relationship works out better. It turned into a different discussion and I was really upset about the fact that Id hurt him. I'm honestly upset that someone would think I would hurt someone's feelings and not give a shit. I'm often queen of caring too much of what I say and how I say things.
I would never gaslight someone and tell them their feelings were from their ex wife. I think his situation made him prone to other feelings - feelings that I validated and told him I understood and that I was sorry I had said something to hurt him.
Message boards, man. The jump to assumptions of what was said and how things were handled drives me crazy. I'm not saying I've never done it, but the fact that it was assumed that I laughed at him because I said LOL on a post about it, because I'd stuck my foot in my mouth - the fact that you assume I am openly contributing to his insecurities and then blaming his ex wife - it all pisses me off.
I said something in a very light hearted way that was far more hurtful than I had realized. I cried. I apologized. And now I'm being told I'm being side eyed, *openly* contributing to this man's weaknesses, and that my humor is mean.
Sometimes people say things that they don't realize will be so hurtful. That's what I did - Especially when he's said things similar in the past about me being the hotter one. I would never say something that hurt someone and then laugh at them for it. If we are all judged on that one time we say something inadvertently hurtful in a relationship - no one would ever be in one.
There's a reason I don't share much on here - including the times he's been inadvertently hurtful to me. Because people would be all DTMF when, in reality, I know his heart and his intentions. And I know he knows mine.
I did not say you laughed in his face, nor did I imply that I was there to watch it all go down? Not sure where you're pulling that from.
The point is NOW you are backtracking to add that you felt bad/cried/apologized, but in the context of your post you made it sound like you thought the whole situation was funny, then made a jab at him regarding being insecure due to his ex-wife when you had essentially just insulted him to his face. We can only go off the details you tell us, and nothing from the op sounded apologetic.
I'm sticking with the point that bringing up you're better looking with any significant other, even in what was meant to be lighthearted conversation, is mean. Who wants to be reminded of that? I definitely wouldn't want someone telling me I'm the Shrek of our relationship so I keep observations like that to myself or speculate with friends.
Obviously you only know what I posted here and how I posted it- and not the actual discussion. So I take your comments with a grain of salt. I didn't laugh when he got upset about it. At all. You weren't there. I texted mcc how upset I was about it. I had made a silly comment about har har it's a good thing studies show that when the hotter one is a chick the relationship works out better. It turned into a different discussion and I was really upset about the fact that Id hurt him. I'm honestly upset that someone would think I would hurt someone's feelings and not give a shit. I'm often queen of caring too much of what I say and how I say things.
I would never gaslight someone and tell them their feelings were from their ex wife. I think his situation made him prone to other feelings - feelings that I validated and told him I understood and that I was sorry I had said something to hurt him.
Message boards, man. The jump to assumptions of what was said and how things were handled drives me crazy. I'm not saying I've never done it, but the fact that it was assumed that I laughed at him because I said LOL on a post about it, because I'd stuck my foot in my mouth - the fact that you assume I am openly contributing to his insecurities and then blaming his ex wife - it all pisses me off.
I said something in a very light hearted way that was far more hurtful than I had realized. I cried. I apologized. And now I'm being told I'm being side eyed, *openly* contributing to this man's weaknesses, and that my humor is mean.
Sometimes people say things that they don't realize will be so hurtful. That's what I did - Especially when he's said things similar in the past about me being the hotter one. I would never say something that hurt someone and then laugh at them for it. If we are all judged on that one time we say something inadvertently hurtful in a relationship - no one would ever be in one.
There's a reason I don't share much on here - including the times he's been inadvertently hurtful to me. Because people would be all DTMF when, in reality, I know his heart and his intentions. And I know he knows mine.
I did not say you laughed in his face, nor did I imply that I was there to watch it all go down? Not sure where you're pulling that from.
The point is NOW you are backtracking to add that you felt bad/cried/apologized, but in the context of your post you made it sound like you thought the whole situation was funny, then made a jab at him regarding being insecure due to his ex-wife when you had essentially just insulted him to his face. We can only go off the details you tell us, and nothing from the op sounded apologetic.
I'm sticking with the point that bringing up you're better looking with any significant other, even in what was meant to be lighthearted conversation, is mean. Who wants to be reminded of that? I definitely wouldn't want someone telling me I'm the Shrek of our relationship so I keep observations like that to myself or speculate with friends.
Nowhere in her post does she imply any of that (not being apologetic, making a jab at him). It was simply a short post. And she never said he was the shrek. She was having a conversation with her boyfriend. I'm sure she didn't say, "hey, you're ugly and I'm hot." It was a passing conversation that she didn't realize would turn into more for him. That happened because of his past. I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't care anymore as much as you seem to do now.
I did not say you laughed in his face, nor did I imply that I was there to watch it all go down? Not sure where you're pulling that from.
The point is NOW you are backtracking to add that you felt bad/cried/apologized, but in the context of your post you made it sound like you thought the whole situation was funny, then made a jab at him regarding being insecure due to his ex-wife when you had essentially just insulted him to his face. We can only go off the details you tell us, and nothing from the op sounded apologetic.
I'm sticking with the point that bringing up you're better looking with any significant other, even in what was meant to be lighthearted conversation, is mean. Who wants to be reminded of that? I definitely wouldn't want someone telling me I'm the Shrek of our relationship so I keep observations like that to myself or speculate with friends.
Nowhere in her post does she imply any of that (not being apologetic, making a jab at him). It was simply a short post. And she never said he was the shrek. She was having a conversation with her boyfriend. I'm sure she didn't say, "hey, you're ugly and I'm hot." It was a passing conversation that she didn't realize would turn into more for him. That happened because of his past. I'm sure her boyfriend doesn't care anymore as much as you seem to do now.
No, but I'm also posting to a group of people that knows I'm sensitive sally and that im overly concerned about people's feelings- so I would hope that I would get a little more credit than I did.
You straight said "laugh when he got upset about it." Which, I never did. Not here. Not there. I never laughed over him being upset. I laughed over me sticking my foot in my mouth and to jojoandleo about it being all her fault. (Jokingly. Obviously.)
I'm not backtracking. I failed to give all info in a single post but I am not changing my story. I won't disagree that you think it's mean, I get why it comes off mean even if said in the light hearted way I said it. And I apologized to him for it already.
But saying "gosh, it's a good thing we have even better odds of making things work based on this study" is a far cry from calling someone shrek. He constantly tells me he wants to show me off. That he wants other people to see how hot I am and that he's with me. That sounds douchey here, lol, but it's not in the context of our relationship- and it's the reason I didn't think he would have been so hurt by my sassy comment.
The exaggerations being pulled from my post make me feel like it's a sensitive topic for you, because seriously - I would have hoped and assumed that I would have gotten a little more credit than I did. I said something insensitive - which I've owned here and to him (where it really matters).
I'll crawl back in my hole of not posting shit about my personal life, because the criticism of this and the assumptions being made are enough to hurt my feelings.
I think this whole thing is a big misunderstanding.
I'll agree that when I read this sentence: "I brought it up with trivia guy last night and his feelings got hurt. LOL." I was thinking, ouch, that's kind of harsh. I didn't think you literally laughed in his face, but laughed to yourself that his feelings got hurt, which wouldn't be too nice.
But anyway, now that you've explained it, makes sense, clearly you weren't being insensitive.
All that to say obviously things don't always come across properly online, so I don't think there is any reason for you to think that people were trying to exaggerate what you were saying or make you out to be a bad person. Simply, that sentence didn't come across correctly, you explained what happened, so no biggie. Everyone can move on now!
It can be a sensitive topic. Shit can be misread online. We post here to just post, chat, vent, whatever. Sorry mp. Lately, I tend to think twice before posting some stuff because I don't like feeling judged on things.
Oh man, I don't know if people are projecting here or what but I cannot imagine that mp would ever intentionally say something to hurt someone's feelings. Of all people she's likely the most concerned individual when it comes to treating people and saying things to not hurt feelings.
There is always a pain point in relationships in which we test the bounds of humor and it bites us in the ass, whether it's about something serious or completely trivial. Everyone comes in with their own sensitives and it's a learning experience. Was this the best move, obviously not, but there's no need to vilify someone who already feels horrible about upsetting her boyfriend for whom she deeply cares.
To be fair, I can see how mp's initial post about this was taken the wrong way. It sounded kind of cavalier. I feel like a broken record when I say we only know what you tell. Obviously with more explanation I think I have a better understand of how it really went down.
I get how the "LOL" wasn't totally clear that I was sticking my foot in my mouth. BUT - my point is more - OMG I am the most sensitive person I know, and that I am very sensitive with how people say things and how I say things to them. None of that is a surprise here, really. haha. So, I would hope that someone who knows me would know I wasn't laughing at him and then saying he's overreacting, you know?
And, verycontrary knows me well enough to know that I am not a dick and would never laugh at someone if I hurt them, nor that I would openly contribute to someone's insecurities, I would have hoped.
Semantics, sure - but going "eeee did you seriously laugh at him because that's how your post comes off...?" vs "I can't believe you laughed at him and are contributing to his insecurities and you were wrong and I'm majorly side eyeing you."
Basically - one of my biggest pet peeves is people assigning intent and assuming I have feelings or thoughts that I don't have. Asking versus assuming the worst of me - I see the two discussions very differently.
Again, I did not imply you laughed at his face. I was side-eyeing you for (SEEMINGLY) coming here to laugh at him and make judgements regarding his previous marriage.
I stand by my statement that trying to have a conversation with a significant other about you being the more attractive partner seems really mean-spirited. How was he supposed to walk away from that feeling good about himself?