Justified or not?

[alterego25]

May 26, 2015 19:18:37 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

This is why I pretty much think all these ae's are MUD.

The way its first presented is intended to get everyone on her side and properly outaged. Oh but then, the details come out. Doesn't believe in marriage, won't buy a house without marriage, can't afford the house anyway, but the boyfriend should totes buy the house she wants. Sounds legit.

I never said he should buy the house I want. I said above that at the end of the day I understand it is his money, his choice. I was merely asking about if I had the right to feel like I should maybe have some input. I know the final decision is his and his only.

[alterego25]

May 26, 2015 19:20:48 GMT -5 wambam said:

May 26, 2015 18:52:04 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

Eh, we did the same thing when we bought before we were married. Bought in my name only since there was no legal commitment. 

I wasn't saying that they necessarily should buy it together. I genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question. Does OP have troubled finances? Is the future of the relationship uncertain? Did he outright say no? Just trying to understand the situation.

I'm looking to purchase a summer home (yes, I've asked for his input) and cannot swing both homes on my income alone.

[Captain Serious]

May 26, 2015 19:22:21 GMT -5 Que? said:

This is ridiculous. Neither of you want to commit to any damn thing, so just KOKO for all I care. Why are you even asking this question? Why are you even here? We're married life, do you believe in us? And WTF does that even mean, you don't believe in marriage? That makes no sense. It's not a fucking unicorn, it's real, you have no choice but to believe in it. It's like science.

Don't you know that 100% of divorced people were once married?!? Marriage kills relationships!!!

[alterego25]

May 26, 2015 19:22:21 GMT -5 Que? said:

This is ridiculous. Neither of you want to commit to any damn thing, so just KOKO for all I care. Why are you even asking this question? Why are you even here? We're married life, do you believe in us? And WTF does that even mean, you don't believe in marriage? That makes no sense. It's not a fucking unicorn, it's real, you have no choice but to believe in it. It's like science.

Marriage isn't for us I guess is how I should have said it.

[shopgirl07]

Oh, and now there's a summer home! I wonder who'll have the input on that?

[juliachild]

So this should be two people are buying two separate houses.

[alterego25]

May 26, 2015 19:26:31 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

May 26, 2015 19:08:54 GMT -5 @bk said:

How long have you been together?

Has this been answered?

Sorry I didn't see this, 2 years.

[RoxMonster]

Well I completely changed my opinion from the beginning of this thread until now.

Honestly, I don't think you have to get married to make a commitment. But it sounds like neither of you are interested in making a commitment in the sense that you don't want to get married or have any sort of shared responsibility here. Like you could both walk away tomorrow quite easily (materially-speaking). So I started out team you, but now I am team him. I initially thought that even if you weren't marrying, you'd eventually get yourself on the mortgage, etc. and then I was going to say you 100% should have input in this.

But now I don't think so. This will be his house. You may contribute to utilities or what not, but honestly, if I was in his shoes and I knew my credit, money, etc was on the line for this house and you could very easily just walk away and stop paying your share of bills if you wanted to, I would want to get the house I loved too and not entertain your opinions. I would ordinarily say he is being a jerk by not at least hearing your opinion on this, but you don't sound all that interested in committing to anything with him.

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 19:23:01 GMT -5 alterego25 said:

May 26, 2015 19:20:48 GMT -5 wambam said:

I wasn't saying that they necessarily should buy it together. I genuinely wanted to know the answer to the question. Does OP have troubled finances? Is the future of the relationship uncertain? Did he outright say no? Just trying to understand the situation.

I'm looking to purchase a summer home (yes, I've asked for his input) and cannot swing both homes on my income alone.

This part is kind of weird. Why buy a second home when you don't even have a first home?

That said - I agree with you that it would be nice if he considered your input. I do really believe he should have final say, but I'm trying to picture myself in his shoes and I can't imagine not taking my live in partner's opinion at all into consideration. You do plan to live there too and he will benefit from you being there. He shouldn't have to forego anything he really wants because of your opinion, but I find it unlikely that there is no middle ground on a house somewhere that he'd be happy with that you would also like.

[snipsnsnails]

No, based on the info you've given, I wouldn't expect for you to have a large amount of input and I wouldn't expect for him to look at a house he's not interested in purchasing.

[elleblue]

You're buying a summer home? :^) I guess someone was bored today. Ok then.

[CurlyQ284]

Honestly, I get that you don't want to be on the house if you're not married. Anecdote time! I have an acquaintance that was engaged and bought a house with her FI. She found out he was cheating and she left the house. He changed the locks and lived in the house, refused to pay the mortgage and basically trashed her credit. She got a lawyer and there wasn't much she could do in court. They (not sure if it was the lawyers or a judge) said that had she been divorcing, the house would be handled in the divorce but as it stands the option she had was to refinance. This was at the height of the housing crisis and they couldn't get the bank to refinance. I never heard what happened in the end, I haven't seen her since but it sounded like a nightmare.

I did purchase a house before DH and I were married. We kept it in my name only but we did look together and we decided on the house together. We were pretty much on the same page so it didn't come to this. He renovated the bathroom and did maintenance and work on the house. No equity though, it's under water and I'm now trying to short sell it. I'm glad it was only in my name because it's not great for my credit but his credit is still ok as far as I know and we hope to buy a house in the next few years.

[aprilludgate]

The aversion to commitment you're both hanging on to is a great thing to have when purchasing a house or two.

[Deleted]

Before I read additional posts, I was like..hmmmm.  But in this "situation", it's his house..his decision.

People sometimes buy homes together or apart before marriage or without any plan of marriage at all. My mom and her BF have one home together (and other ones separately owned) and they will never get married.  They made decisions on joint purchase together.  2 people buying= different. 

[cville]

Well if neither of you is really interested in commitment (note: I do not think marriage is the only way to demonstrate commitment), I can see why he doesn't give a crap about your opinions on something to which he alone is committing himself. He's still being weird and rude and a poor communicator, but I revise my initial assessment and say only moderately justified.

[fryjack2]

Unless he is planning to buy a studio apartment and furnish it with a twin bed, mini fridge, and a sign on the door that says, "No Girls Allowed." I don't see why you care what he buys with his doesn't believe in marrying you money.

[smashley]

My XH bought a house while we were still dating (I was in college). Even though we weren't living together at the time, and didn't for approximately three years after, he took some of my opinion into consideration when purchasing. But I didn't find houses myself and send them to him -- I just went with him and viewed the houses and gave my opinions.

Long story short, I bought new appliances for the house and paid for central air and a new furnace to be installed. We got divorced 9 months after getting married and I took all the appliances with me. I had to leave with the knowledge that I had significantly increased the value of his home with A/C and a brand new furnace. Fucker. Cool story, bro.

[demofea01]

This is bizarre. It seems like neither of you care enough for the other to actually commit to something as a couple so...good luck with that.

[suzyp]

I think you need to watch several episodes of Judge Judy to see how this situation usually ends.

[vanillacourage]

You say this house is a lot of work. Who will be paying for it? Does that come out of "household expenses"?

[curtains]

May 26, 2015 20:17:18 GMT -5 smashley said:

My XH bought a house while we were still dating (I was in college). Even though we weren't living together at the time, and didn't for approximately three years after, he took some of my opinion into consideration whoen purchasing. But I didn't find houses myself and send them to him -- I just went with him and viewed the houses and gave my opinions.

Long story short, I bought new appliances for the house and paid for central air and a new furnace to be installed. We got divorced 9 months after getting married and I took all the appliances with me. I had to leave with the knowledge that I had significantly increased the value of his home with A/C and a brand new furnace. Fucker. Cool story, bro.

So you gave him a/c and a furnace for 9 months of free rent?
Sounds like you have nothing to be bitter about. How much would nine months of rent cost?

[vanillacourage]

May 26, 2015 20:27:36 GMT -5 curtains said:

May 26, 2015 20:17:18 GMT -5 smashley said:

My XH bought a house while we were still dating (I was in college). Even though we weren't living together at the time, and didn't for approximately three years after, he took some of my opinion into consideration whoen purchasing. But I didn't find houses myself and send them to him -- I just went with him and viewed the houses and gave my opinions.

Long story short, I bought new appliances for the house and paid for central air and a new furnace to be installed. We got divorced 9 months after getting married and I took all the appliances with me. I had to leave with the knowledge that I had significantly increased the value of his home with A/C and a brand new furnace. Fucker. Cool story, bro.

So you gave him a/c and a furnace for 9 months of free rent?
Sounds like you have nothing to be bitter about. How much would nine months of rent cost?

Dude, installing a/c for the first time is no joke. We got a new a/c unit and furnace together last year and it was $9k, and obviously we had duct work and all the returns already there.

[smashley]

May 26, 2015 20:27:36 GMT -5 curtains said:

May 26, 2015 20:17:18 GMT -5 smashley said:

My XH bought a house while we were still dating (I was in college). Even though we weren't living together at the time, and didn't for approximately three years after, he took some of my opinion into consideration whoen purchasing. But I didn't find houses myself and send them to him -- I just went with him and viewed the houses and gave my opinions.

Long story short, I bought new appliances for the house and paid for central air and a new furnace to be installed. We got divorced 9 months after getting married and I took all the appliances with me. I had to leave with the knowledge that I had significantly increased the value of his home with A/C and a brand new furnace. Fucker. Cool story, bro.

So you gave him a/c and a furnace for 9 months of free rent?
Sounds like you have nothing to be bitter about. How much would nine months of rent cost?

I lived there longer than 9 months.  I'm not saying it was unequal, I'm just saying that investing into a home that you don't get shit out of on resale isn't necessarily a pleasant feeling, justified or not.

I had plenty of other stuff to be bitter about, that was just the cherry on top of the divorce.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

If this is long-term, and you're not investing in the house with him for whatever reason, I would want a legal agreement. If you're paying what he deems as "rent," you need a renter's agreement. What happens to the house if he dies? Get it in writing. Do absolutely everything you can to ensure that you have a place to live should something happen, god forbid. Make absolutely certain that you are paying what you BOTH feel is equal or I guarantee you, one of you will start feeling taken advantage of. There's nothing wrong with doing things this way, if you're both on board and you are taken care of. But never, never never agree to live under someone else's roof without a legal agreement in writing.

[lyssbobiss, Command, B613]

Well. I should've read the whole thread. Look, I am also extremely anti-marriage, and I understand not wanting to do that. I just can't quite understand being so lassiez-faire about a relationship that I'd throw money at a house that I didn't have claim to, so that it's easier to walk away if it doesn't work out. If that's your opinion, are you really sure this relationship is what you want? It sort of seems like you're just keeping your options open so you can cut and run.

Edited because my fingers were slightly on the wrong keys.  Oops.

[Balki.Bartokomous]

Since there's no commitment, the way I see it is that you're basically dating your landlord. He gets to choose whatever home he wants. Then you get to decide if that's the place you want to rent or not. If he wants to keep you as a tenant, he may want to consider what type of home you'd like to live in.

Either way, I'd draw up a rental agreement if I were you. Sounds like you will need it.

[onesweet]

I'd be less concerned about which house he was buying or interested in looking at and more worried about paying into something for years that I would never have rights to. If you're not married but say common law, which would happen sooner or later depending on the law in your area, I don't think you have any right to the home in the case of separation. Or at least significantly fewer rights to it than you would have if you were married. I don't know - overall this whole thing sounds like a bad idea.

[ECB]

I'm bored so I'll ask - do you all plan on having kids?