MM help: Aging parents with limited to zero income...

[redredwine]

I need some MM help with my grand parents -in law and my MIL

First issue: Grandparents

H's is really close to his maternal grandparents, who still live in their home and are OLD and aging quickly. Like, memory isn't the best and quickly declining (but not dementia or anything) and I'd say they're relatively healthy with the exception of a few "old people things" (falling, pnemonia last year, etc.) Grandpa is 90 and Grandma is like 87. I've know H almost 3 years and have seen them aging every year. They actually need someone to live with them and keep an eye on them and H's younger sister (24) moved in recently as she had to move out of her boyfriends house, so at least she's there to keep an eye on them. They're house needs a deep cleaning and them some, grandma can barely get herself out of the bathtub...basically, they old and H is at a loss of what to do. 
They're income is enough to get them by, but they don't really have a good grasp on their finances or their "end of life" plans (for example: would they have enough to move into a retirement home, what if one of them passes, etc.) H is sort of the head of his family being the oldest and most responsible, so he's sort of the caretaker. His mom, their daughter, is a whole other set of issues and their other son lives across the country, so he's not much help. 
For income, they get around $70k/year from an annuity and SS income. They owe $1100/a month for a second mortgage they took out years ago on their house, they don't know how much longer they owe on it. Their biggest drain is their daughter-my MIL, who they financially support. This will be part 2. They pay around $1200/month for her living expenses. Between these two things, they can pay their bills (and an auto payment) but that's about it. They loan money out to their other grandson, they say they don't have much in savings, etc. they're kind of clueless what state their finances are in. 

H is wondering what's supposed to happen if one of them gets sick, in the hospital, they need assisted care, etc. They have really not much of a clue about their finances, they could be donating money to some warlord in Africa for all they know. They're not super open about it but mostly because I Think they're embarrassed. 

Question 1: Is there is type of financial planner we can hire that can help sort of their finances? Like, one that specializing in aging couples (it's not like a "plan their retirement" kind of thing" it's more of a "where the f is their money going and what's going to happen when one/both pass away and what do we need to do" kind of thing")

That's problem 1.

2. My MIL-while she did a great job raising her kids as best she could, she's had mental issues for many years which really came out when my SIL was a small child, after she and FIL divorced. She's  been in and out of mental hospitals (often they were terrible experiences), unable to keep jobs, etc. and while she's VERY intelligent, she's very emotionally unstable and keeps to herself alot. She's been in all kinds of therapies-some good, some not good. She's been on all kinds of medications and is still on heavy doses of medications (some needed)
Her parents (above) have supported her for years-they pay for her apartment and her living expenses-Probably $1200/month total. Her parents have enabled her for so many years. She gets a very small amount from SSDI. She's only ever worked for a short amoutn of years and she was mostly a SAHM. She loves her kids and she does the best she can having a relationship with them, but she's not really an active part of their live in the sense of your typical "mother". I've had a hard time getting to know her because sometimes, she's not all there. She also can become very reclusive and withdrawn. Any talk of money, she shuts down. My H loves her and respects her, but he also doesn't have a ton of sympathy for her as she's had opportunities to get her life more in order but chooses not to and plays the victim alot. He will sometimes make plans to see her (she lives in the same town but doesn't drive) and she flakes most of the time. I know it makes H sad that I don't get to know the woman that raised him and she's a completely different person than she was while he was growing up.


His biggest worry now is his grandparents. When they pass away, what will happen to her? They have nothing set up to support her and probably no inheritance that can be set up as a trust or something to make sure she'll be taken care of.

What happens to her if they die and there's like, no income to support her? They still own on their home, though I'm sure there's some profit that will be made as it's in a good location (but needs SOMUCHWORK and we don't know how much equity there is) H is adamant that she won't live with us as it would be at the sacrifice of our and their relationship. He is also adamant that he won't financially support her. What happens to people as they age and have only SSI to support them, especially ones who have a compromised mental state? I think it's crossed H's mind of "what if she ends up homeless"

As for other family that can help: He is one of 4 kids, but one sister lives out of state, one is just kind of a *cough cough* and the other is barely making ends meet herself while finishing school (youngest sister who lives with grandparents and honestly that's really helpful). They're also all quite a bit younger and H had to help raise them when his parents split, so he's just seen as the one who will fix things. 
His dad is a WHOLE other trainwreck, but that's for another day. 

[redredwine]

Also sorry for the long post. I just brain dump on here sometimes.

[expatpumpkin]

May 27, 2015 13:20:04 GMT -5 redredwine said:

Question 1: Is there is type of financial planner we can hire that can help sort of their finances? Like, one that specializing in aging couples (it's not like a "plan their retirement" kind of thing" it's more of a "where the f is their money going and what's going to happen when one/both pass away and what do we need to do" kind of thing")

That's problem 1.

2. My MIL-while she did a great job raising her kids as best she could, she's had mental issues for many years which really came out when my SIL was a small child, after she and FIL divorced. She's  been in and out of mental hospitals (often they were terrible experiences), unable to keep jobs, etc. and while she's VERY intelligent, she's very emotionally unstable and keeps to herself alot. She's been in all kinds of therapies-some good, some not good. She's been on all kinds of medications and is still on heavy doses of medications (some needed)
Her parents (above) have supported her for years-they pay for her apartment and her living expenses-Probably $1200/month total. Her parents have enabled her for so many years. She gets a very small amount from SSDI. She's only ever worked for a short amoutn of years and she was mostly a SAHM. She loves her kids and she does the best she can having a relationship with them, but she's not really an active part of their live in the sense of your typical "mother". I've had a hard time getting to know her because sometimes, she's not all there. She also can become very reclusive and withdrawn. Any talk of money, she shuts down. My H loves her and respects her, but he also doesn't have a ton of sympathy for her as she's had opportunities to get her life more in order but chooses not to and plays the victim alot. He will sometimes make plans to see her (she lives in the same town but doesn't drive) and she flakes most of the time. I know it makes H sad that I don't get to know the woman that raised him and she's a completely different person than she was while he was growing up.


His biggest worry now is his grandparents. When they pass away, what will happen to her? They have nothing set up to support her and probably no inheritance that can be set up as a trust or something to make sure she'll be taken care of.

What happens to her if they die and there's like, no income to support her? They still own on their home, though I'm sure there's some profit that will be made as it's in a good location (but needs SOMUCHWORK and we don't know how much equity there is) H is adamant that she won't live with us as it would be at the sacrifice of our and their relationship. He is also adamant that he won't financially support her. What happens to people as they age and have only SSI to support them, especially ones who have a compromised mental state? I think it's crossed H's mind of "what if she ends up homeless"

As for other family that can help: He is one of 4 kids, but one sister lives out of state, one is just kind of a selfish bitch and the other is barely making ends meet herself while finishing school (youngest sister who lives with grandparents and honestly that's really helpful). They're also all quite a bit younger and H had to help raise them when his parents split, so he's just seen as the one who will fix things. 
His dad is a WHOLE other trainwreck, but that's for another day. 

Yes, this is my area of expertise.  PM me if you'd like to have a (free) phone consultation.  

[msmerymac]

Does his mother qualify for/use other social services? If she's on heavy medication and can't hold down employment, it would be in your interest to at least look into applying for disability. Does she get anything like food stamps? Is she eligible for Social Security and Medicare?

Is your concern that she will inherit the house and then spend the money right away? I suppose you could look into power of attorney, but you'd need her consent.

[redredwine]

May 27, 2015 13:49:48 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Does his mother qualify for/use other social services? If she's on heavy medication and can't hold down employment, it would be in your interest to at least look into applying for disability. Does she get anything like food stamps? Is she eligible for Social Security and Medicare?

Is your concern that she will inherit the house and then spend the money right away? I suppose you could look into power of attorney, but you'd need her consent.

 She's only late 50's, so she doesn't qualify for SS/medicate yet. She does get SS Disability income. I don't know about welfare/food stamps, etc. I'll have to ask him (my assumption is she doesn't as his grandparents give her $25/day for living expenses like food, etc.)

I think the concern is that there will be little, if any, inheritance. If there is any, H would work with his uncle (MIL's brother) to set up something that would basically support his mom. That would be ideal. We just don't know how much that would be and how long it would last. When/if that dries up, what happens then? I think we need to deal with the grandparents finances first then we can act accordingly. It just weighs on H's mind. 

[boiler717]

For your grandparents, I highly recommend meeting with an elder care attorney. It's best to do something before their health declines more. Do they have a will set up? The house can be put into a trust. My grandma's nursing home is $75k/year, at a regular place (although she is in skilled nursing). IME, the time it takes from declining memory and physical issues until they need round the clock care can be very fast. Once the money is gone, medicaid is the next step. Medicaid has a 3 year look back in my state on assets sold or placed into a trust during that time, all the more reason to get started on this ASAP.
My grandma has a wonderful geriatrician who has a social worker, elder care attorney, PT/OT, etc all in one place to help. They are super hard to get into, all the ones around here have long waiting lists and we basically just called and begged every day until they would see us.

As for your MIL, I would also connect with a social worker to see about disability and medicaid.

[redredwine]

expatpumpkin-leave it to GBCN to have someone that specializes in that! I love the small internet world we live in. I will PM you for sure.

[redredwine]

May 27, 2015 14:02:03 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

For your grandparents, I highly recommend meeting with an elder care attorney. It's best to do something before their health declines more. Do they have a will set up? The house can be put into a trust. My grandma's nursing home is $75k/year, at a regular place (although she is in skilled nursing). IME, the time it takes from declining memory and physical issues until they need round the clock care can be very fast. Once the money is gone, medicaid is the next step. Medicaid has a 3 year look back in my state on assets sold or placed into a trust during that time, all the more reason to get started on this ASAP.
My grandma has a wonderful geriatrician who has a social worker, elder care attorney, PT/OT, etc all in one place to help. They are super hard to get into, all the ones around here have long waiting lists and we basically just called and begged every day until they would see us.

As for your MIL, I would also connect with a social worker to see about disability and medicaid.

This is really helpful, thank you!
He's not sure the status of a will. IF they have one, it's VERY outdated. I'll pass all this along to him. 

[Deleted]

For 2, hopefully you and DH could help connect her with the services she qualifies for. She would likely have to dial back her lifestyle (smaller apartment, worse part of town, etc.). A meeting with a social worker might help establish what these programs might be. She may not qualify now with the money her parents give her. I think people end up homeless often because they can not navigate the system to get help, so if he can help her deal with appointments and paperwork, he may not need to help financially or by living with her.

[dr.girlfriend]

Sorry, there's a lot to unpack here and I'm just whizzing by, but why doesn't MIL live with them and provide the supervision they need in exchange for free rent?

[Deleted]

For MIL- I would talk to social services or try to set up an appointment for her and you and your DH can attend. They will have information on subsidized apartments (some are very nice and very inexpensive), food stamps, Medicaid, or even the possibility of a group home if she needs any kind of supervision for her mental illness. There are many people out there that are unable to work and don't have family to support them so they are resources but you have to seek them out.
Part of getting her help may require GFIL and GMIL to stop helping her because she will need to prove that she doesn't have other income outside of SSDI. They will eventually stop when they pass away and by then it may be difficult to get her help because there are often lengthy waits for nice subsidized apartments and some of the other services.

[redredwine]

May 27, 2015 14:11:06 GMT -5 dr.girlfriend said:

Sorry, there's a lot to unpack here and I'm just whizzing by, but why doesn't MIL live with them and provide the supervision they need in exchange for free rent?

Ironically, they don't really get along. They put on nice faces when they have to be near each other, but they really have butted heads my MIL's whole life. It's a long(er) story. That's why SIL moved in-free rent and she helps out when needed (though she needs to step it up more and help clean more, etc) 

[WOT?*]

I think now, as in yesterday and before they are any more impaired by age, you need to sit with them, sit with a financial planner and a wills/trusts/estate attorney. Start a conversation with DHS (elder care services) for programs available to your MIL as well as possibly your ILs. If they don't have services, they will be able to refer you to programs that do (religious, charitable, etc. I work tangentially with one that provides housing for women who are trying to get on their feet, and I know of several housing organizations run through various religious groups, both Catholic and Protestant, who provide low-cost housing.) I think getting a handle on their finances is the first priority, so that you know what you are dealing with and what you will have to make allowances for in the future. Also, consider getting a guardianship for your ILs in case of mental deterioration so they don't fall prey to scammers, ID thiefs, etc. and you are able to monitor financial and personal conditions if it becomes necessary. And PM expat because my suggestions are just that and nothing more. (Also, she may be able to attach her ex-husband's SocSec if it allows for a higher income when she reaches the age she can do so, but again, talk to a professional as removing from SSDI may cause complications (e.g. medical and services coverage) even if it allows for a higher immediate income.)

Best of luck.

(ETA:  My understanding from waaaaaaaaay back in the day was that if they give cash, it has to be accounted for, but they can gift rent, food, etc. if they pay/purchase directly.  So if they don't give her money, but bring her groceries instead, she won't have to claim the $25/day since they're providing consumables instead of cash.  But that was 25 years ago and in the one state where I lived so that that for what it's worth and go from there.)

[msmerymac]

May 27, 2015 14:01:25 GMT -5 redredwine said:

May 27, 2015 13:49:48 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

Does his mother qualify for/use other social services? If she's on heavy medication and can't hold down employment, it would be in your interest to at least look into applying for disability. Does she get anything like food stamps? Is she eligible for Social Security and Medicare?

Is your concern that she will inherit the house and then spend the money right away? I suppose you could look into power of attorney, but you'd need her consent.

 She's only late 50's, so she doesn't qualify for SS/medicate yet. She does get SS Disability income. I don't know about welfare/food stamps, etc. I'll have to ask him (my assumption is she doesn't as his grandparents give her $25/day for living expenses like food, etc.)

I think the concern is that there will be little, if any, inheritance. If there is any, H would work with his uncle (MIL's brother) to set up something that would basically support his mom. That would be ideal. We just don't know how much that would be and how long it would last. When/if that dries up, what happens then? I think we need to deal with the grandparents finances first then we can act accordingly. It just weighs on H's mind. 

I think you're jumping the gun in assuming that your husband would legally have any say whatsoever in their estate/assets once both of them pass. The most likely scenario is that MIL and her brother inherit equally. Do you know if the grandparents have an executor for their estate that has been named? 

That's why it's imperative to get the grandparents' cooperation in getting this all under control. If they want MIL to get certain assets, they should set that up. If they want their son to get everything with stipulations about taking care of MIL, they should set that up. If they want to skip over their kids entirely, sure, whatever. But you all need to work together with a financial planner to make their wishes clear, then see how they can meet those obligations. I'd hate for something to happen and your husband to have NO say or recourse because no one planned anything. What's the deal with his uncle? Does he have assets that can support MIL? Do they have a good relationship?

[redredwine]

May 27, 2015 14:42:09 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

May 27, 2015 14:01:25 GMT -5 redredwine said:

 She's only late 50's, so she doesn't qualify for SS/medicate yet. She does get SS Disability income. I don't know about welfare/food stamps, etc. I'll have to ask him (my assumption is she doesn't as his grandparents give her $25/day for living expenses like food, etc.)

I think the concern is that there will be little, if any, inheritance. If there is any, H would work with his uncle (MIL's brother) to set up something that would basically support his mom. That would be ideal. We just don't know how much that would be and how long it would last. When/if that dries up, what happens then? I think we need to deal with the grandparents finances first then we can act accordingly. It just weighs on H's mind. 

I think you're jumping the gun in assuming that your husband would legally have any say whatsoever in their estate/assets once both of them pass. The most likely scenario is that MIL and her brother inherit equally. Do you know if the grandparents have an executor for their estate that has been named? 

That's why it's imperative to get the grandparents' cooperation in getting this all under control. If they want MIL to get certain assets, they should set that up. If they want their son to get everything with stipulations about taking care of MIL, they should set that up. If they want to skip over their kids entirely, sure, whatever. But you all need to work together with a financial planner to make their wishes clear, then see how they can meet those obligations. I'd hate for something to happen and your husband to have NO say or recourse because no one planned anything. What's the deal with his uncle? Does he have assets that can support MIL? Do they have a good relationship?

I believe it's H's uncle that lives across the country. H and his uncle have spoken about it in the past, but his uncle is going through a divorce and hasn't had time to deal with it. 
The uncle and MIL don't have a great relationship. Uncle has assets...but wouldn' use them to support MIL. 

(the highlighted part) This is exactly what H wants to make sure is in place, whoever the executor is (it would either be uncle or H) but we were stuck at HOW to get all of that lined up and the grandparents kind of shut down when he brings it up and honestly are sort of in denial they need to deal with these things. I'm going to talk to expatpumpkin and have H look into a few other resources mentioned here. Like you mentioned, we need to do it sooner vs. later as every time we see them, it's more apparent. 

[mich1]

Is your MIL getting SSI or SSDI? These are different things.

If she is receiving SSDI, she will have had to have 10 years (or 40 quarters) of employment. If she is getting this, what she is getting is about what she'd be receiving when she is of retirement age. This is NOT means tested, so it does not matter how much she has or is given. If she has been on SSDI for 2 years, she is eligible to receive Medicare.

SSI IS means tested, so money given to her does become an issue. Her getting an inheritance from her parents could screw up with this.

You probably need to find out which she is currently on, as it can have an impact upon planning.

[redredwine]

May 27, 2015 16:13:23 GMT -5 mich1 said:

Is your MIL getting SSI or SSDI? These are different things.

If she is receiving SSDI, she will have had to have 10 years (or 40 quarters) of employment. If she is getting this, what she is getting is about what she'd be receiving when she is of retirement age. This is NOT means tested, so it does not matter how much she has or is given. If she has been on SSDI for 2 years, she is eligible to receive Medicare.

SSI IS means tested, so money given to her does become an issue. Her getting an inheritance from her parents could screw up with this.

You probably need to find out which she is currently on, as it can have an impact upon planning.

I believe she's getting SSDI, as she's not old enough to receive SSI (65 right?) She may have medicare? Again, not sure but I"ll have H look into this.

Again ladies, you've all been SO helpful! I copies/pasted your answers to H and he was so thankful, too! And then he was like "What's a DH? What a MIL?" Lol. 

[mich1]

This is the difference between the 2.  SSDI is disability income that you receive when you become disabled after having worked 10 years or 40 quarters.


The main difference between Social Security Disability (SSD, or SSDI) and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) is the fact that SSD is available to workers who have accumulated a sufficient number of work credits, while SSI disability benefits are available to low-income individuals who have either never worked or who haven't earned enough work credits to qualify for SSD.



While many people don't distinguish between SSI (Supplemental Security Income) and SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance), they are two completely different governmental programs. While both programs are overseen and managed by the Social Security Administration, and medical eligibility is determined in the same manner for both programs, there are distinct differences between the two.

[brooke77]

PDQ

I don't have too much specific advice, but can, unfortunately relate. My mother is very much like your MIL. Due to some health reasons and personal reasons and whatever reasons, she has not worked very much throughout her life. She relied heavily on her parents for finanial support. She eventually could not keep up with her mortgage and lost her house about 10 years ago and moved onto her parent's property. She receives a small amount of government support (Social Security) which should be enough to pay for her modest bills (mainly medication, phone bill, food). She does not have a car payment/house payment/electricity/etc. Well, my grandparents passed away recently and she has NOTHING. She expected to receive a huge sum from the estate ($500,000 or so in a trust, plus the house she lives in, a car, jewelry, etc) and her brother, the executor, has been slow to execute the estate, family drama, etc. She fully is unable to support herself in even the most modest of ways ($20 electric bill, gas in her car). The estate could take years to settle and she fully thought she would just have that money the day her father died.

Your MIL sounds scarily like my mother. Your H's grandparents sound scarily like my grandparents. Please, please, please do not delay in seeking financial and legal advice from COMPETENT counsel. It is so sad what my family is going through at the moment and I am so sad that my grandparents in particular did not see this coming. Someone removed from the situation should be able to assist and do what is best for all.

[redredwine]

brooke77...that's awful and you're right-it sounds like I was reading the future, or what we fear the future to be. I'm so sorry, I'm sure that is so difficult.


ETA: It's so crazy to think that this is a situation the kids (you, us) have to deal with. Taking care of their parents and grandparents in this kind of way. If you don't mind me asking, what is she doing to get by? (you can PM if you feel more comfortable)

mich1-huh, I clearly did not realize there was a difference between the two! It will be on the list of things I will check into with H.

[niq]

First off, I'm sorry you and your H are in this situation, it's no fun at all.

May 27, 2015 16:27:27 GMT -5 mich1 said:

This is the difference between the 2.  SSDI is disability income that you receive when you become disabled after having worked 10 years or 40 quarters.


The main difference between Social Security Disability (SSD, or SSDI) and Supplemental Security Income (SSI) is the fact that SSD is available to workers who have accumulated a sufficient number of work credits, while SSI disability benefits are available to low-income individuals who have either never worked or who haven't earned enough work credits to qualify for SSD.



While many people don't distinguish between SSI (Supplemental Security Income) and SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance), they are two completely different governmental programs. While both programs are overseen and managed by the Social Security Administration, and medical eligibility is determined in the same manner for both programs, there are distinct differences between the two.

I just wanted to add to that homemakers who were married for more than ten years are entitled to SSDI and retirement benefits equal to half their ex-spouse's benefits if that's more than their own benefits. But it only affects the dollar amount, not SSDI eligibility (i.e. mom has to have 40 quarters of work, but if her ex-H is a max earner her monthly check will be bigger). Usually the SSA figures out all this stuff automatically, but it doesn't hurt to double check.

OP: Does MIL live in a Medicaid expansion state? Basically anywhere that's dark blue or Light Blue on this map, plus Indiana.


Otherwise, PPs have good advice. Get someone who's a responsible adult to get PofA for the grandparents so that you can start sorting out finances now rather than after they die., find an FP who specializes in these situations, an elder care attorney, contact your state/county Aging Services department (it sounds like you have some help from the board already on some of these), etc.

In general if you can sort out health care, housing, and car expenses (other than that, Mrs. Lincoln...), people don't actually need that much money to live on. $1000/month is plenty. It's not necessarily a pleasant life, but it's not eating cat food and walking the streets picking up aluminum cans, either.

[scout8]

My grandparents did not have much money. When my grandpa died, we put my grandma in an assisted living home. At some point, her savings ran out. When that happened, medicare (or medicaid--sorry, but I don't know which one) kicked in so that she could keep living in the same place. I remember that not all of the assisted living places worked this way. I also don't know if this is state dependent. Anyway, it might be something to keep in mind when they can no longer live on their own.

[Pom]

I am sorry for all the worry this is causing you and your H, but it is great to get a handle on things before it becomes an emergency. I'd talk with the family about POA soon with all parties that might be involved. It is really important to do so before further mental decline.

As far as the grandparents- usually the county where they live will have a "Commission (or Council) on Aging" that may provide additional services to them such as Meals on Wheels (if needed), Cleaning, and other services that vary by the organization. I know they have someone staying with them now, but wanted to mention it to you.

MIL- I think everyone had great suggestions and talking with your local adult welfare or state human services office ASAP would be the first step to assist her and alleviate the financial burden from her parents.

[brooke77]

redredwine - I am helping her financially at the moment. I have sent her checks. She is not well mentally, but she's my mom and I love her. It stresses my siblings out - she leaves long dramatic voicemails about how she can't eat and there's no electricity... I am hoping to set up automatic payments so I know the bills are getting paid with the money I send (vs her spending it on getting her hair done).

This is a band aid solution and long term one of my siblings will need to seek guardianship over her assets or them placed in a trust. Otherwise she will blow through the inheritance in a year and not survivive.

[redredwine]

May 28, 2015 6:07:57 GMT -5 tillie said:

May 27, 2015 19:55:02 GMT -5 scout8 said:

My grandparents did not have much money. When my grandpa died, we put my grandma in an assisted living home. At some point, her savings ran out. When that happened, medicare (or medicaid--sorry, but I don't know which one) kicked in so that she could keep living in the same place. I remember that not all of the assisted living places worked this way. I also don't know if this is state dependent. Anyway, it might be something to keep in mind when they can no longer live on their own.

My mom is currently in an assisted living place.  Her place does not work like that.  Once you run out of money you are out.  Most likely at that point they put them in a nursing home and Medicaid takes over.

Unfortunately, assisted living facilities are pretty expensive.  My mom's place is about $6K/mth.  I am very lucky that she is able to pay for this.

Yah, when my mom was looking into places for her parents a few years ago, she said the same thing. Even crappy places were super expensive. Luckily, they were able to afford a nice care facility and then my grandma moved in with my parents. Also, fortunately my parents have set themselves up to have a good place in place for when they are needing assisted care, etc. and have been really open about communicating their finances (for this exact reason)

Again, such great suggestions everyone. H is going over to his grandparents tomorrow to start sorting through their paperwork and start having some serious conversations. We're going to look into the mutiple resources you guys mentioned here which is awesome. We had no clue where to even start, now we do. 
He's most worried about talking about those things with his mom-I think she thinks there's a trust set up to take care of her needs forever and is going to go into shut down mode when he starts asking her about financial plans,etcf. 

[WOT?*]

Macabre thought but if either grandparent gets ill enough to be hospitalized, the hospital social worker will know pretty much every route that can be taken to cover assistance, whether it is financial, insurance, home health care or anything else. If it comes to that point, absolutely take advantage of the hospital social services.  They were a huge help in getting care and coverage for my dad.  (Also, if Grandpa is a vet, check with the Department of Veterans Affairs to see if he qualifies for any services.)