Baby shower size negotiations

[Susie]

(Let me preface this by saying there's a chance I might come off sounding like a brat here, but I'm going out on that limb.)

We told MIL & FIL about the pregnancy about a month ago.  Since then, I haven't heard from MIL at all (no hi how are you, etc.), but she has talked to Calvin a few times.  She keeps asking Calvin for us to set up a registry, what gifts did I get from my family so we don't duplicate, etc.  (In lieu of a shower my cousins did a really tiny "yay you're pregnant!" thing that involved small gifts like foot cream and nail polish.  It was great, but gift duplication isn't really an issue.)  

Calvin keeps telling her that maybe we should hold our horses a little, because Susie doesn't really want a big to-do.  In the ILs' extended family, Hobbes will be the 8th or 9th baby born in the last 5 or so years (3rd grandchild for MIL/FIL), which followed on the heels of a bunch of weddings.  Most of the women in the family in my generation are kind of "showered out."  In addition to knowing that a bunch of the family feels that way (and I don't blame them), I tend toward the introverted, and Calvin's family is almost all extreme extroverts -- totally overwhelming to me.  And on top of THAT, when we got married MIL threw a bigger shower than I was comfortable with, and I was a bit embarrassed that she invited a whole bunch of her friends that we hadn't invited to the wedding -- and who I haven't seen since.  Bottom line, there are a whole bunch of reasons why a big shower is just not what I would like to be in the middle of, even if I am glad she's happy about the baby.

Calvin tried to explain to her that a small dinner (like that fits around MIL's table, close family only) would be much more my speed.  She's not biting.  She really wants this shower, and it doesn't count unless it lives up to her envisioning of it.  That means the ILs, my BIL's ILs' family, all her friends... If I were being uncharitable, I might suggest that there's some grandma-AWing going on that is threatening to drive the bus.  She keeps saying "well what if we compromise, some of my friends and some of hers."

I guess I didn't really see this as a subject of compromise.  I appreciate the excitement, but I'm not comfortable with what's being proposed, end of story, and I thought a baby shower was for me, as the pregnant person.  MIL feels differently -- namely that a shower is equally to publicly celebrate the mom- and grandma-to-be.  From that viewpoint, I'm raining on her parade.

How would you handle the whole thing as gracefully as possible, but without totally rolling?

And follow-on question, how would you handle the registry issue?  We were going to register at Buy Buy Baby even if no shower, just for our own organization and the registry completion coupons.  But maybe not a good idea if we're trying to downgrade this whole shower situation?

[boiler717]

I definitely agree with you that as the mom to be the shower should be about your wants and desires, not grandma's. That being said, how important is it to you (and Calvin) to make it a hill to die on? There's no right or wrong answer, but something to consider. Would you feel better about it being a couples shower with Calvin there to run interference?
Trust me, I want nothing to do with a shower from my ILs. The ONLY thing that is giving me pause is a potential ambush "everyone come meet the baby" sip and see type of shower that I will avoid at all costs, even if it means having a shower before the baby comes.
If you decide not to do a shower, is there a way to do a private registry? Do they have "go live" dates or anything?

[Susie]

May 27, 2015 17:32:30 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

If you decide not to do a shower, is there a way to do a private registry? Do they have "go live" dates or anything?

The only way I know of is Amazon, which accomplishes the organization goal but not the registry completion coupon goal.  I don't think you can do a private registry at a brick & mortar store like BBB - but I would be happy to stand corrected if anyone knows how.

As for the hill -- if I thought it'd be ILs + ILs' ILs, maybe I could suck that one up.  It's not what I want, but it's not like I haven't been buying shower gifts and attending events for the whole crowd over the years!  But the contingent of MIL's friends, most of whom I have met maybe once in the 10 years I've been with Calvin (and they were asked to buy me a gift on that occasion too)?  I'm feeling kind of firm on that.  

[pooh8402]

May 27, 2015 17:42:57 GMT -5 Susie said:

May 27, 2015 17:32:30 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

If you decide not to do a shower, is there a way to do a private registry? Do they have "go live" dates or anything?

The only way I know of is Amazon, which accomplishes the organization goal but not the registry completion coupon goal.

False. Amazon has a 10% registry completion discount (15% if you're an Amazon Moms member, which I am), which I am taking full advantage of. 10% is the same discount offered by BRU and PBK, don't know about BBB since I didn't register there.

So that should accomplish your registry goal. I don't know how to help with the actual shower issue, except that I'd probably have to agree with boiler. Will this be a hill for you to die on?

[ebeth]

Amazon does a completion discount. You might have to be a prime or mom member to get it but there is one.

As far as the size and tone of the party I think if you aren't hosting it gets a little tricky trying to dictate party specifics. If you're really uncomfortable and don't think she'll respect your wishes you can tell her no thank you. I think that's about as gracious as you can be. But I would think carefully about whether if given the choice between big shower or no shower, no shower is what you really want.

[Muddled]

If she is throwing the party, she kind of gets to throw the party she wants. If you don't want her to throw a party for you, say no. Once you say yes, you will lose all control and if you are not willing to do that, it's not worth the added stress.

Alternatively, see if you could talk Calvin into making it a co-ed thing?

[hbomdiggity]

Here is where I sound like a brat.

I am by far an introvert. But I guess my love of free stuff outweighed that (and we definitely have the means to purchase what is needed). My family shower ended up at 35 people, with most being folks I either hadn't seen since my wedding 8 years ago or even ever met. It was 3 hours max and I know my mom liked showing me off. And for whatever reason women LOVE buying baby shit.

That's to say that I personally would take one for the team here. I'm not even close with my inlaws (don't even have their phone numbers) and would still indulge my MIL.

Regardless, I don't see how a private registry will help you. People are going to buy you stuff and without a registry the potential for duplicates would annoy me. I don't have time to deal with it.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 21:25:55 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

Here is where I sound like a brat.

I am by far an introvert. But I guess my love of free stuff outweighed that (and we definitely have the means to purchase what is needed). My family shower ended up at 35 people, with most being folks I either hadn't seen since my wedding 8 years ago or even ever met. It was 3 hours max and I know my mom liked showing me off. And for whatever reason women LOVE buying baby shit.

That's to say that I personally would take one for the team here. I'm not even close with my inlaws (don't even have their phone numbers) and would still indulge my MIL.

Regardless, I don't see how a private registry will help you. People are going to buy you stuff and without a registry the potential for duplicates would annoy me. I don't have time to deal with it.

I'm with you here. People love buying baby stuff. It's better to have a registry than to end up with a bunch of onesies.

[Susie]

May 27, 2015 21:25:55 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

Regardless, I don't see how a private registry will help you. People are going to buy you stuff and without a registry the potential for duplicates would annoy me. I don't have time to deal with it.

Well, I wouldn't leave it private if I was having a shower. But if I decline the shower that MIL wants to throw, there won't really be people buying stuff. I was thinking not having a publicly viewable registry would make that discussion easier. No registry would make it easier and more believable to say "we're saying no thank you to showers period" and not have her think we're just having some other shower that she isn't involved with, which would be kind of mean (and untrue). Or maybe I'm overthinking; this whole thing has spiraled more than I ever expected.

[dcn]

The shower my MIL threw for us was much bigger than originally presented and included her friends that I had never even heard of, let alone met!

Not ideal. But it was 2 hours of my life and they were all generous and we got so much stuff. Plus it made MIL happy, Ds is her first grandchild.

My close friends threw a much more my speed, brunch to celebrate that was lovely, and more about me.

Also, even without a shower, people will want to send gifts and will ask where you are registered.

If you really want to decline then that is ok. But yes if you agree it will likely be on her terms and you'll need to decide if you are ok with that.

[boiler717]

In MIL's circle of friends, is it a thing for all of them to invite each other to every shower and celebrate? It kinda sounds like their grandma thing to do. Their whole lives probably revolve around their grandkids now. I can see all the ladies in mom's card group being hurt they aren't included for every birth because that's just how they all are.
It seems like this may be a really important event for her. I get that it's super awkward for you, it feels rude, etc. But back to the original question, is it a hill to die on for you?

[Muddled]

May 27, 2015 22:36:16 GMT -5 Susie said:

May 27, 2015 21:25:55 GMT -5 hbomdiggity said:

Regardless, I don't see how a private registry will help you. People are going to buy you stuff and without a registry the potential for duplicates would annoy me. I don't have time to deal with it.

Well, I wouldn't leave it private if I was having a shower. But if I decline the shower that MIL wants to throw, there won't really be people buying stuff. I was thinking not having a publicly viewable registry would make that discussion easier. No registry would make it easier and more believable to say "we're saying no thank you to showers period" and not have her think we're just having some other shower that she isn't involved with, which would be kind of mean (and untrue). Or maybe I'm overthinking; this whole thing has spiraled more than I ever expected.

There will be people who buy you stuff, regardless. Might as well get what you want.

[aprilsails]

My family traditionally does big showers, where lots of people are invited and the favour is returned when they have kids/grandkids etc. Is it the same case for your MIL? If it is, then she may feel as though she is missing out on getting to show off her future grandchild, which is a point of view I can relate to (since my Mom is going to go crazy on mine I am sure).

As a compromise solution I really would suggest letting your DH stickhandle the arrangements with your MIL to keep it to people who you know or who you have attended their showers, etc. I also think it's perfectly acceptable for the father to attend the shower as well. I really dislike how showers are these women-only events. It may not be the traditional format that your MIL expects, but if you would be more comfortable that way it would probably make the experience more fun for everyone.

Just this past weekend I held a small (19 person - all close friends or immediate family) bridal shower for my BFF. I was shocked since she literally shook like a leaf throughout the entire 3 hour event. I've never seen her like that. I have a newfound appreciation of how little some people enjoy being the centre of attention - and she had no idea she was going to react that way herself. Navigating family events is difficult.

[Muddled]

Some of these posts are bordering on, "it's MIL's big moment," and I am not down with that. This should be about you.

[Susie]

May 28, 2015 5:51:41 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

But back to the original question, is it a hill to die on for you?

It's obvious that the answer to that question is "no" for everyone.

If it were this one event, and MIL was just SUUUUPER excited about the baby and going overboard, I might say no too, or at least say no more easily.  My sticking point is that it's not this event, it's every event with ILs.  

An old friend or long lost relative comes to visit?  FIL needs to assemble "the whole fam-damily!"  (I've come to hate that phrase) for an all-hands-on-deck showing of family togetherness (even if we don't know this friend/relative).  A church gathering?  There's the "it'd mean a lot to us..." guilt trip even though we don't go to their church.  They're attending a party where other people will have their adult children/grandchildren there?  They invite us to come with them (whether the host was counting on it or not). 

But it's weird, it doesn't seem that they actually want to spend time with us.  They never do anything with just us, and at these various events they hardly say a whole sentence to us.  It's the public perception more than the time with us.  They want their friends to see them surrounded by all of their kids/grandkids.  If it went hand in hand with them also actually wanting to see us, I could get my head around it.  (I might still dislike the size of events, but I could get there.)  But it's like the 3 ring circus is exactly what MIL wants - it's not a consequence of just being overexcited about us having a baby.  The circus for the sake of the circus (and the pattern of it) is where I'm just not feeling like "aw, she's so excited I should just relent this one time."

[Kit]

May 28, 2015 8:42:54 GMT -5 Muddled said:

Some of these posts are bordering on, "it's MIL's big moment," and I am not down with that. This should be about you.

This is where I'm at, too. There'd be no shower if you weren't pregnant, so for her to ignore your wishes is weird.

[brandienee]

My MIL is the same way. Same way. (She has something like 50 people invited. Hold me) This is her party. I am just the excuse. I made the mistake of saying "okay" when MIL asked for a baby shower. I knew what I was getting into, why do I do these things to myself?

She will have the family and allllll of her friends at this shindig. H got pissy with me when I told him that I don't want to go to this thing if he is going to be away. (He might have been put on a deployment) I told him that his mom putting me in the center of a room full of strangers was not going to happen. He doesn't understand that I don't count his family as my family. I don't know them well enough to put myself through a high stress situation alone. These things are enough to get my blood pressure going on a good day, I would have a panic attack with people I don't know. H is outgoing and doesn't understand my need for small events.

MIl tried to be magnanimous and said, "you can invite one or two of your friends if you like" lololol. Let's just add to the number of eyes watching me. Thanks. Also, my friends aren't going to travel 12 hours in a car to see me open a random assortment of baby junk. If my dad and sister show up, I might actually die. Way too much family in one place. Way too many eyes on me and well wishers... and people watching making sure that I do the right thing at all times. Just end me now. Even with H there, it's going to be stressful.

Woah, apparently I needed to rant. Sorry for that. All of that to say:

I would hold fast to the family table thing. Don't let her bully you into something you're not comfortable with. Tell her that it's stressful and that stress isn't good for the baby. Don't compromise. You know what you can handle.

[brandienee]

May 28, 2015 9:44:22 GMT -5 Susie said:

May 28, 2015 5:51:41 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

But back to the original question, is it a hill to die on for you?

It's obvious that the answer to that question is "no" for everyone.

If it were this one event, and MIL was just SUUUUPER excited about the baby and going overboard, I might say no too, or at least say no more easily.  My sticking point is that it's not this event, it's every event with ILs.  

An old friend or long lost relative comes to visit?  FIL needs to assemble "the whole fam-damily!"  (I've come to hate that phrase) for an all-hands-on-deck showing of family togetherness (even if we don't know this friend/relative).  A church gathering?  There's the "it'd mean a lot to us..." guilt trip even though we don't go to their church.  They're attending a party where other people will have their adult children/grandchildren there?  They invite us to come with them (whether the host was counting on it or not). 

But it's weird, it doesn't seem that they actually want to spend time with us.  They never do anything with just us, and at these various events they hardly say a whole sentence to us.  It's the public perception more than the time with us.  They want their friends to see them surrounded by all of their kids/grandkids.  If it went hand in hand with them also actually wanting to see us, I could get my head around it.  (I might still dislike the size of events, but I could get there.)  But it's like the 3 ring circus is exactly what MIL wants - it's not a consequence of just being overexcited about us having a baby.  The circus for the sake of the circus (and the pattern of it) is where I'm just not feeling like "aw, she's so excited I should just relent this one time."

If this was the case, I would shut it down.

No. No no no no no no. I would hate to be put on display like that. No.

[boiler717]

I think it's perfectly fine to make it a hill to die on; it may mean something different to her than you, but in the end your the mom to be, not her.

[aprilsails]

Based on your latest update maybe this is the right moment to shut MIL down. They currently expect you to attend a lot of social events 'just because' and you don't get anything out of it. This will only be worse once you have one of their grandchildren in tow. You are both obviously going to have to learn to say no in either the short or long term or you are going to go crazy.

I'm sorry. This situation sucks.

[5kcandlesinthewind]

This was my hill to die on, only it was my mom. Part of it was because she was genuinely excited and wanted me to have what "everyone else" has, part of it was because she personally is incapable of saying no to an invitation, and I think she felt she was due. We refused the shower offer from her, saying we'd "prefer to host something after he's here." She cried. She tried to guilt my brother into guilting me into doing it. She bumped into my friend and cried about how she just wanted me to have what everyone else had. I held my ground, and I was happy I did. I didn't want a bridal shower, but my MIL insisted, so we kept it very, very small. I still would have skipped it. I'm just not comfortable with the whole scene, and frankly, i know everyone would rather be doing anything else rather than sit around watching someone else open presents. And we didn't have a registry - people asked us/my mom/my ILs what we needed, or they sent us stuff they thought was cute/useful.

Given your update, I would totally shut her down and refuse a shower. Like others have said, things are only going to get worse once the baby is here. Might as well be a bitch from the get-go rather than "turning into" one later when you're completely fed up. (Being facetious there, I promise.) Good luck.

[Susie]

May 27, 2015 17:53:51 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

May 27, 2015 17:42:57 GMT -5 Susie said:

The only way I know of is Amazon, which accomplishes the organization goal but not the registry completion coupon goal.

False. Amazon has a 10% registry completion discount (15% if you're an Amazon Moms member, which I am), which I am taking full advantage of. 10% is the same discount offered by BRU and PBK, don't know about BBB since I didn't register there.

That is helpful to know, thank you.  Bed Bath & Beyond was 20% when we had our wedding registry there, but I need to check whether Buy Buy Baby is the same.  Either way, it's good to know Amazon has a completion discount.

I just talked to my mom about it, and she thinks I should just register where I want to register and make it a separate issue from the shower.  It's funny because MIL is to my baby shower as my brother's FI's family is about her bridal shower, so my mom is just watching it all play out x2.  (The wedding and my EDD are about 6 weeks apart, so similar time frame.)  The only difference is that my brother's FI is a little more on board the shower train than I am.

[dcn]

Based on your later posts, I understand more why you are resistant to a big blow out. I might push back in your case too!

My MIL is very quiet and rarely has get-togethers, so our shower was an out of the ordinary event that she was just really excited about and wanted to share with her friends and family. Sounds quite different than your MIL.

[Kit]

May 28, 2015 12:34:38 GMT -5 Susie said:

May 27, 2015 17:53:51 GMT -5 pooh8402 said:

False. Amazon has a 10% registry completion discount (15% if you're an Amazon Moms member, which I am), which I am taking full advantage of. 10% is the same discount offered by BRU and PBK, don't know about BBB since I didn't register there.

That is helpful to know, thank you.  Bed Bath & Beyond was 20% when we had our wedding registry there, but I need to check whether Buy Buy Baby is the same.  Either way, it's good to know Amazon has a completion discount.

I just talked to my mom about it, and she thinks I should just register where I want to register and make it a separate issue from the shower.  It's funny because MIL is to my baby shower as my brother's FI's family is about her bridal shower, so my mom is just watching it all play out x2.  (The wedding and my EDD are about 6 weeks apart, so similar time frame.)  The only difference is that my brother's FI is a little more on board the shower train than I am.

I'm registered at Buy Buy Baby and was told a 20% completion discount :-)

[Muddled]

I also don't think that you have to refuse all shower offers because you refuse this one, although I do trust that you understand your family politics.

It actually might be kind of nice to invite her to a smaller more intimate event and show her that you are serious about not being her toy to show off.

Am I evil?

[boiler717]

Susie my mom started freaking out on me about baby showers today and I had to laugh! I was like "NOOOO Susie is like 10 weeks ahead of me, I should have more time before I deal with the crazy!"