I just wanted to give you a huge hug. I don't know how benefits work in the states, so i can't help you there, but here we have an provider that allows us to see certain therapists from certain companies and will help with the choosing of the therapist that will best suit my needs. I hope it is a simple process for you so you can find someone that can help you out. Once again, big huge hugs.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. I don't have suggestions, but I have hugs. I hope he sees the light soon. You deserve to be loved, respected, and valued. I hope you feel that from those you are taking care of soon. <3
Post by laurensmomma on May 28, 2015 21:52:19 GMT -5
I'm very sorry, sweetie. Sending you big hugs. I hope either you or your husband have employee assistance that gives you access to free or inexpensive counseling.
Post by sunshineluv on May 28, 2015 21:52:44 GMT -5
I am so sorry you are having a rough time.
Here's the good news, it sounds like your problems are fixable. From an outsiders prospective it isn't that he is a rotten guy or a bad dad, he has become super lazy and unappreciative. These are the perfect things for counseling to help with. Help him to realize what all you are doing for the family and how you are feeling.
The only thing I know about marriage counseling is it helped my sister and her dh a great deal with communication, I feel like a lot of marriage problems boil down to issues with communication. I hope you are able to find a good counselor and it helps a ton in your marriage.
Can you afford a cleaning service? Even every other week might help.
And leave the mess that is his responsibility. Buy paper plates and use them just for yourself. Immature maybe, but at some point he and the kid are going to need a clean plate and spoon.
Or you can assign one plate, bowl, and utensil set to each family member and its their job to clean it. 9 years old is old enough to be able to wash a few dishes. Pack up the rest of the dishes and only bring them out if company comes over.
I agree with sunshineluv. I hope he agrees to counseling and that it helps. Sometimes hearing what you're doing from an outsider/3rd party opens your eyes more.
I can relate. My husband and I were both in school and working until I had Amelia and now he's done until fall but we both are huge procrastinators when it comes to homework and fight about him not doing anything around the house even rinsing his plate off or bringing it into the kitchen. I finally just stopped picking up his side of the bed. Now if he can't find a clean work shirt it's because he didn't put it in the dirty clothes. We typically go to my inlaws on Sunday's so we can do homework. I hope a counselor can help you come up with an action plan.
Post by LiveLoveLearn on May 28, 2015 22:30:18 GMT -5
I'm sorry, being the default everything is hard. I will just offer hugs. I think therapy sounds like it could help, I hope he is open to it for the benefit of your marriage and happiness. I was also going to suggest EAP through work, or maybe your doctor could suggest somebody.
It seems like he's not hearing you. He's lazy and his default is laziness. I have an h who likes to be lazy too. I've found over the years, I have to be very specific or he really doesn't know what to do. The way he was raised (in an unorganized mess) and I was raised (with clean ocd parents) is so different that I've really had to adjust what I do. I spent the first few years of marriage doing everything and it got old, fast.
Here's my advice. Sit him down on a calm night. Find a calm night. Make a calm night. Sit him down and explain to him exactly how you feel. Use I statements. "I feel completely overwhelmed by the work that needs to get done around here. I need help. I need you to help me carry the weight of our household and lifestyle. Can you help me? I need help." Of course he'll say, sure honey, because only a douche says no, I can't help you. Then you explain the things you need him to do. I need you to hire someone to cut the grass. I need you to empty the trash. I need you to empty the dishwasher. I need you to put away the laundry. Whatever. He'll probably give lip service and agree. So, tomorrow, when the dishwasher is clean, tell him to empty it before the morning. "I need this empty before the morning so I can put new dishes in." When the garbage is full.... "Honey, before you eat dinner, I need you to take this to the garage and put a new bag." When Saturday comes, "Honey, I need you to take our clothes and put them away before lunch." Get your 9 year old to collect the Littles laundry and bring it to you.
Honestly, it sounds like you've bottled it up for so long you're ready to explode. I've been there. From what you've said, he seems agreeable just lazy. Be specific in the help you want and hopefully he'll step up. Three kids, two working parents, one parent in school, a new baby, and everything else is a lot. Therapy would help to give you time to work on effectively communicating. Therapy really helped us.
Post by onehitwonder on May 28, 2015 22:58:31 GMT -5
I just wanted to say I'm sorry you are feeling so defeated. Don't short change yourself, your posts show that you are a good communicator. I hope you are heard and you guys can find a way to work through this tough time.
I'm not trying to make excuses for your H but I also found grad school overwhelming and was both lazy and burnt out at the same time due to it. That was prekids and I drove my DH nuts anyway.
Massive hugs, I'm so sorry and I completely get your feelings of being scared to be open about this stuff on your own or not knowing how. Counselling benefitted us immensely. I hope it helps you too - the good news is that these issues are not insurmountable with work from both of you.
I'm not sure how to go about finding a good therapist, but it sounds like the right decision. Have you told him all the things you posted about? If you feel like you can't say it out loud, can you write him a letter, ask him to read it, and then discuss?
You definitely deserve to do the things you want and I applaud you for working your ass off, going to grad school, and taking care of your home and family. It's not easy for two people, let alone mostly one. I've got a lot of fear of a second marriage failing, so I get where you're coming from. People get comfortable and change and forget how it takes constant work and consideration of one another to make a relationship to work. Also, my 8 and almost 10 year won't do anything without a fuss and I end up feeling defeated most days, so I get where you're coming from there.
If you ever need to talk or vent, we're always here and you're more than welcome to message me on here or FB. Big hugs. Love you, A.
I'm sorry. I wish we lived close enough I could take you out, because it sounds like you could really use a night off.
Can you print out what you typed to us and show it to him? Would that put him on the defensive or do you think he really doesn't recognize just how much you do and how little he does?
If you don't think he'll agree to counseling, would he agree to maybe just one session, if you say, "This is what I need, so I can effectively tell you how I feel"? Then, maybe he'll realize it's a good idea?
I'm sorry, ciesca. Definitely start with the EAP. My H called his and was authorized for 6 sessions for himself. We weren't sure how to pick a therapist either and it took a bit before we realized that it was better to dive in than to do nothing. We looked online and picked an office based on the profiles of the therapists. Biiig hugs, hon.
I'm so sorry that sounds exhausting do you think he has any idea just how badly you feel? I think mentioning therapy would help him see you are very serious. Like say "I'm struggling so much, I don't want our relationship to fall apart, I want us to survive so I think we should try counseling"
I mean he probably thinks you're annoyed with his laziness but perhaps has no idea of the true depth of your exhaustion and sadness.
Therapy may be the wake up call he needs. It sounds like you are still in a place where you love him and can see a possible happier future with him but waiting too long may make the bitterness build up so much it can no longer be overcome
Post by rainbowchip on May 29, 2015 7:05:59 GMT -5
I was in a similar situation and I've found that telling him I need you to help with X and be very specific works well. And then leave it up to him to do it.
So, I am swamped and I need you to mow the lawn once a week. I don't care what day you do it as long as it gets done.
The other thing I did was let stuff go. Dishes don't HAVE to be washed every night. Kids don't need a bath every night. If the toys aren't picked up, it's fine.
Big hugs to you. It's rough but I will say that H and I have been working through stuff and figuring it out. Marriage is hard!