Did we discuss the "wife bonus"?

[v]

I get a wife bonus and I deserve it, so STFU

By Polly PhillipsMay 28, 2015 | 12:34pm

Polly Phillips poses outside Louis Vuitton (left), one of her favorite stores, with her $1,500 Prada handbag which she bought with her "wife bonus," along with her $1,500 Burberry raincoat and $375 Tory Burch dress. Her husband Al (right) works for a major US oil company.

In her book “Primates of Park Avenue,” out Tuesday, New York writer Wednesday Martin sensationally reveals the trend for bankers’ wives to receive so-called “wife bonuses” — a percentage of their husband’s company bonus in return for managing the household and supporting him in his career. Meet Polly Phillips, 32, who gets a five-figure sum every year from her petroleum engineer spouse for being a stay-at-home mom. While she refuses to divulge exact figures, Houston-based headhunter Mike Vineyard estimates her husband’s bonus could be as much as $150,000 a year. Here, Phillips proudly explains how she spends the money — and how the cash payment makes her more, not less, of a feminist than ever.

As I stroll around the mall on a recent trip to Houston, Texas, moving from designer store to designer store, my mind is crunching numbers. Will I splurge on the elegant $750 French navy Chanel ballet pumps that I’ve been lusting after for months? Or shall I be pulling out my gold card to grab a pair of limited-edition $800 Louboutins, with striking red Valentine’s hearts on the toe, to match their distinctive sole?

As I tally up the total, I can’t help but smile — I can easily stretch to both pairs of shoes, and still have plenty left of my five-figure bonus.
These pricey pairs of designer footwear will join a lineup of Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, Diane Von Furstenburg and Rupert Sanderson heels and a closet crammed with handbags from Prada, Chanel and Anya Hindmarch. Every single one was bought with one of my annual bonuses — the nod from a happy boss for a job well done.

But, in this case, the boss in question is my husband, Al. The role he’s rewarding me for is my work as a stay-at-home wife and mother. And the luxury labels are purchased with the “wife bonus” — 20 percent of his own company bonus — that I’m proud to receive for putting his career before my own, and keeping our lives together.

After all, he readily admits that, without me staying at home with our 19-month-old daughter, Lala — not to mention the support and understanding I offer when his work intrudes on our home life — he couldn’t do his job. And he also knows that if we hadn’t followed his career abroad, I might still be doing very well in my own.

Al works for a major US oil company. When we met through friends in London in our native England in October 2006, I realized there was a chance that I might have to make sacrifices to follow him and his job around the globe. I didn’t give it too much thought to begin with, as we were too busy having fun. His job as an engineer, and mine as a political risks insurance broker, meant that we both had a disposable income to enjoy. We traveled widely, visiting cities like New York and Miami, and skiing in Europe.

He’s always been very generous, but I insisted we split everything down the middle. And when it came to bonus time, we loved to splash out — on ourselves and each other. I would think nothing of buying a Burberry raincoat or a handbag from Mulberry after I got paid.

We got engaged in January 2009 after a fairytale Christmas trip to New York, where, unbeknownst to me, my husband had sneaked off to Tiffany & Co. on his own and bought a $7,000 engagement ring.

I agreed on the spot but, as we were planning our wedding 16 months later, he was given a promotion that meant spending every other month in Houston — indefinitely.

I carried on working in London, although we both knew that living in the same city was something that we wanted for our marriage. In September 2011, just over a year after our wedding, when an opportunity arose for Al to take a job in Perth, Australia, we leapt at the chance.
For me, it was a simple choice. We both knew that we wanted to start a family soon after we married. It didn’t make sense to ask Al to put my career before his when he was going to have to be the main earner as soon as we had children.

In Australia, I met a lot of women — and some men — who had sacrificed their own careers to follow their partners around the world. That’s where I first heard about the concept of a “wife bonus” or “bonus gift.”

One friend proudly showed me her collection of Mulberry purses, bought at her behest come bonus time. Another liked to splurge at Tory Burch at the end of the financial year. But bonus gifts, just like the women who receive them, could be very different.

One girl, who couldn’t care less about designer goods, chose a stand-up paddle board as her reward for supporting her husband while he worked the late nights and the early mornings that the oil industry is known for.

While I appreciated the idea of a gift come bonus time, I didn’t feel that my husband bestowing something on me really represented the joint partnership we’d built up together. To me, giving a gift simply reinforced the fact that Al was the one receiving the bonus, whereas giving me a set proportion truly recognized how integral my effort was to his success.

Al came out in favor of the idea of the wife bonus almost as soon as we moved to Australia. He’s got a very politically incorrect sense of humor and joked it was to reward me for being a “good little wife,” which made me laugh out loud. Seriously, though, we settled on the exact terms: When he received his bonus every year at the end of April, we’d each take a fifth after tax and bank the rest.

I’m exceptionally lucky to have a husband who values how important a job it is to stay home and take care of a child, as well as understanding how difficult it is to leave friends, family and career prospects behind to further his career. He was actually pleased to have a tangible way to recognize the contribution that I also make to the success of our lives.

The wife bonus gives me not only financial freedom, but freedom from guilt too. We have a joint account, and before we started the system, I was reluctant to spend our money on myself, even though my husband insisted he was happy for me to. Now that I have a quantifiable amount to treat myself with, I don’t feel guilty doing so.

The five-figure amount has pretty much stayed the same despite the economy. Last year, I bought a Prada handbag and Burberry raincoat for about $1,500 each. I tend to wait until I’m back home in London to spend my bonus because I can leave Lala with a member of the family and go on a week-long splurge to upscale stores like Selfridges. My favorite labels include Bottega Veneta, Chanel, Prada, Smythson, Erdem and Stella McCartney.

That’s not to say I’m just frittering my bonus away. I also try to save my share for things that matter. My mother passed away shortly before we married, and I used some of the money she left me to buy my bespoke $4,500 wedding dress by the designer Naomi Neoh. I’d like the honor of being able to buy Lala her wedding dress with the money I’ve saved too.

We moved to Copenhagen, Denmark, shortly after our daughter was born in October 2013. From talking to women I know here, it seems that the idea of a wife bonus or bonus gift really is global. It’s just that, for some reason, many of them are ashamed to talk about it.
A wonderful Californian friend is so worried that her acquaintances might judge her for the shoes, bags and jewelry her other half gifts her from his bonus, she keeps them hidden in their boxes.

Meanwhile, the husband of another woman goes out solo to buy her bonus gift — without her ever having a say in what it is. I’m sure there are many other women who think nothing of asking their significant other to splash out and treat them to a fancy meal or a vacation after they’ve received a bonus.

Somehow being given an expensive gift by your husband for your birthday or your anniversary is seen as socially acceptable, but receiving a share of his annual bonus isn’t. Women are happy to access a joint account freely but somehow find sharing a bonus, which is surely the natural extension of this, offensive.

Since Wednesday Martin wrote about the “wife bonus” in her book “Primates of Park Avenue” and I’ve confessed to receiving payment for the wifely services rendered, I’ve been surprised and disappointed by the reaction I’ve received from other women.
Many of them have sniggered, assuming that my bonus is bedroom dependent, or have accused me of betraying feminism and living in the ’50s like a desperate housewife.

To me, there can be nothing more feminist than believing that staying home to take care of our daughter — as well as the day-to-day washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning — is just as worthy of a wage as going out to a job outside the home.
And to put those (dirty) minds at rest — the size of my bonus has nothing to do with my performance in the kitchen or the bedroom. It’s entirely dependent on how my husband does at work, and how well his company performs.

Which means, judging by the price of oil at the moment, my critics might be pleased to hear that next year, I might not get much of a wife bonus at all.

I ended up buying the Chanel ballet pumps and Louboutin heels not at the Houston mall, but online because it was more convenient. I love wearing them and really feel like I’ve earned the right to own them. Meanwhile, oil prices aside, I can’t help dreaming about what I might be able to afford with my 2016 bonus. Might it be the ultimate in wife bonus purchases — a Birkin bag? I’d absolutely kill for a $15,000 starter model in taupe.

nypost.com/2015/05/28/i-love-my-wife-bonus-deal-with-it/

[demelza]

TLDR

I skimmed. I think it is great she gets a part of his bonus. This article is waay too long.

[aurora]

May 30, 2015 10:31:47 GMT -5 @songforyou said:

I read this earlier and my thoughts were basically that I just can't relate to a woman who, in a situation where she and her spouse take equal parts of his bonus, decides to call that (and/or is okay with that being called) a "wife bonus." But we are talking about a woman who referred to her husband as "the boss" without any trace of sarcasm or snark...so I just think she's a different type of woman than most women I know, me included. Good luck to her with all those taxing Chanel or Louboutin non-decisions, though .

This!

I can't get excited about their plan to get equal portions of his bonus to spend as desired, but her word choice seems chosen to inflame (or maybe just to get clicks).

[aurora]

Also these articles make me wish I worked for a job that gave bonuses.

[Deleted]

The term is crappy, but the general concept is good. Bonuses as household money with each partner getting some to spend how they chose are awesome. The amounts are well outside my experience, but whatever works for them.

[spunkarella]

She sounds insufferable and I couldn't make it all the way through.

So they have joint finances, and equal fun money? Good for them. I don't get why this is a big deal.

[tacom]

May 30, 2015 11:26:43 GMT -5 spunkarella said:

She sounds insufferable and I couldn't make it all the way through.

So they have joint finances, and equal fun money? Good for them. I don't get why this is a big deal.

agreed. the term is misleading.

[Pom]

I skimmed but way to make yourself sound like an employee instead of a partner. We buy things when Mr P gets a bonus, sure. PS I am still the boss.

[gogreengowhite]

They split the bonus evenly and then save the rest. I see no problem or controversy (other than her trying to make controversy by calling it a wife bonus).

If I stayed home to advance H's career I would expect things to still be split evenly.

The whole "do I want this or that? OH, I can afford both!" Is just dumb.

[heliocentric]

It just sounds like they are allotting each other a certain amount of fun money.

I assume the amount he gets is tied to his performance. So, it's an actual bonus. Her's doesn't seem to be tied to performance in any way, so bonus isn't the right term.

[tacom]

May 30, 2015 11:46:00 GMT -5 Pom said:

I skimmed but way to make yourself sound like an employee instead of a partner. We buy things when Mr P gets a bonus, sure. PS I am still the boss.

:Y:

our friend actually brought this article up yesterday and asked us our thoughts. FI responded with "tacom wouldn't really go for that. it's all hers anyways, so I'd just... be giving her her own money."  bravo, FI! 

[sillygoosegirl]

May 30, 2015 12:22:17 GMT -5 heliocentric said:

It just sounds like they are allotting each other a certain amount of fun money.

I assume the amount he gets is tied to his performance. So, it's an actual bonus. Her's doesn't seem to be tied to performance in any way, so bonus isn't the right term.

It seems to me that bonuses are more tied to industry/employer rather than personal performance. I've worked for 2 companies that gave bonuses: 1 was tied completely to the performance of the company (and base salary: each person got the equivalent of X days of pay), and the other was tied partly to the performance of the company and supposedly partly to personal performance, but from talking with coworkers, it seemed like everyone got the same bonus each year.

[steph96]

I'm hoping that all the "look at my $7k ring" and "Look at my Louboutin shoes" stuff was just for the article and she isn't actually walking around talking about her stuff like that.

[cilantro]

I don't think feminist means what she thinks it means.

[steph96]

May 30, 2015 15:03:00 GMT -5 h said:

May 30, 2015 13:58:33 GMT -5 @choco said:

Yeah, she's not what the original article was referring to mainly b/c those women didn't seem to have joint finances. Those women actually had certain criteria to determine the amount of "bonus" they would receive too, like getting kids into a certain school or keeping expenses below x amount. It's completely insulting, and I would slap my husband for even suggesting such a thing as a wife bonus. 

Also, lol at a $7K e-ring. There is nothing wrong with that amount but she would be laughed out of the circles the original article referred to since yeah, that's probably just the taxes paid for a ring in that world. 

And if you were going to spend $7k on an e-ring, wouldn't Tiffany be a bad place to do it. I can't imagine $7k gets you very far there.

I have a feeling that she is probably all about the brand names.  It's like the people that brag about driving a Mercedes....but then you find out that they bought it when it was 20 years old.  Awesome!  You bought a $3,000 car that happens to be a Mercedes!

[irene adler]

I HATE articles where people boldly take a stand on what works for them/their family.

"That's nice" never seems like a satisfying response to someone who is challenging you to defy their method, which just breeds further explanation.

[Deleted]

I read this on CEP yesterday. It still cracks me up. I have a friend in Houston and I almost feel like homegirl may be part of her circle. You have money, but you don't have that kind of money, please sit down.

[gibbinator]

I feel like divvying up bonus money is just.... Fair. Like any other money that comes into the house, lots goes to family goals/savings etc, and a percentage goes to each spouse. We don't make money like that at all, but when dh gets a 3k tax return and I get a $150 tax return, I sure as heck will be getting to enjoy some of his windfall.
Eta: I only read the first few paragraphs before losing interest and I haven't read the replies.

[livinitup]

Golly, shoes and bags- designer! It would seem less patronizing if it was less patronizing. 

[imojoebunny]

I read the different article, the one about NYC women last week. When DH gets a bonus, I get part of it to do what I want. It is not tied to any sort of performance, other than, if I don't do my share of the "work", then I spend money to have other people do it, that it cuts into my part of our regular budget..

This woman sounds very frivolous, like she needs help to be kept on a budget.

[cheezer]

I'm too busy laughing. People on Park Avenue who the article was actually written about are cringing at her feeling all important about her $7k engagement ring and Chanel ballet flats. Someone thinks she's way more important than she actually is.

[Deleted]

May 30, 2015 13:58:33 GMT -5 @choco said:

May 30, 2015 11:39:52 GMT -5 h said:

Also, I don't feel like these are the sort of people that the original article re: the Primates of Park Avenue book was really about. They don't sound *that* wealthy. My guess is that the women the original article was referring to are not wearing $7k engagement rings and waiting for an annual bonus to by a $375 dress.

Yeah, she's not what the original article was referring to mainly b/c those women didn't seem to have joint finances. Those women actually had certain criteria to determine the amount of "bonus" they would receive too, like getting kids into a certain school or keeping expenses below x amount. It's completely insulting, and I would slap my husband for even suggesting such a thing as a wife bonus. 

Also, lol at a $7K e-ring. There is nothing wrong with that amount but she would be laughed out of the circles the original article referred to since yeah, that's probably just the taxes paid for a ring in that world. 

Yeah I was wondering if that was maybe a typo and there should be an extra 0 in there, lol.

[Deleted]

I love this sentiment: "I’m exceptionally lucky to have a husband who values how important a job it is to stay home and take care of a child, as well as understanding how difficult it is to leave friends, family and career prospects behind to further his career. He was actually pleased to have a tangible way to recognize the contribution that I also make to the success of our lives."

(Though, I don't think it's luck - she chose him as her life partner.)

What makes my tummy hurt was the original article earlier this week that talked about how these "bonuses" are tied to "performance metrics." The consultant in me was curious to see the MBOs that these bonuses are based on...but the whole thing feels very subservient.

If the tone was more: "My husband and I split his salary while I SAH in a way that allows us both to feel financially secure," I would be all about this concept, though.

And - can we get one of these wives talking about how they are funding their own retirement accounts, etc, and not just buying luxury goods!? TYVM.

[Deleted]

This is a click-bait piece.

[sent]

Glad I'm not the only one who LOLed at the $7K ring.

Another LOL for the mention of the purse at the end.