Is it me?? Your 2 cents wanted. How was this SUPPOSED to go?

[krinny]

Kids were away all weeked (woohoo!) but we kinda failed to have any decent quality evenings together due to a couple mishaps and evenings spent with friends instead. So our final night without kids I have an appointment after work but tell my DH "I want some quality time with you. Watch the game, relax, whatev for an hour and then when I'm back let's do something besides just watch TV tonight. I don't care what, just anything. If you need ideas, here's a fun little date ideas night list I found if you need, but whatever you want to do, I'm down".



.. I'm gone for an hour and a half...



I come back - "Alrighty, what do you want to do?". He doesn't move from his slumped position watching the game. He simply says "it's my thing" so tell him what I want to do. I say ok, a little disappointed, but agreeable, I name a few to see if there is any sign of life from him. He just sits there in silence half watching the game. So I say nevermind, I'll just clean and go upstairs. I do so with tears streaming down my face. I'm still mad so I go out for an hour alone. He calls but it's to ask "why I'm being this way and that it's not ok". No apology, no empathy, just him trying to get ME to apologize.



I felt SO hurt. We've been married for almost 8 years and it feels awful to think all we know how to do together is take care of our kids or hang out with our friends. Is it so wrong to want a little romance, a little fun, a little something else?



Where did we go wrong? What was supposed to have happened here? What would you do at this point?

[Bernadine]

Jun 2, 2015 11:39:10 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

www.thenest.com

Hmmm- she's already posted it on ML there.

[krinny]

Yeah I posted on The Nest but I saw a thread below saying everyone moved here so I thought I would try it out for the first time.

[pantsparty]

1. Thanks for color-coding the conversation.

2. I would have just picked something from the list and said that's what we're doing. Did he have any reaction when you said you wanted to do something? Was he agreeable? I know after a few evenings with friends or busy plans I might just want to veg out on the couch. Also, the first thing you suggested on the list was to, "Watch the game." Maybe that's what he wanted to do?

ETA: didn't read. LOL. I thought that was one of your suggestions. 

[katietornado]

I know this sounds crazy, but just go with me on this...

You could...talk to your husband.

[MrsPotatohead]

www.amazon.com/And-Baby-Makes-Three-Preserving/dp/140009738X

I'm reading this right now and it has great advice whether or not you have kids (we don't yet), but pretty much amazing and I think you'd find it really helpful (especially with the parenting aspect).

[knx9211]

WHY did PB delete my post? God dammit. I worked hard on that.

In sum, it said:
1) Why didn't you nudge him and say "Hey. Are we going to do something?" instead of just running off crying?
2) Why wouldn't you try to have a discussion about doing something instead of just handing him a list and running off for an hour? My husband is the shittiest decision maker. I have to tell him "HEY. We're going to a movie today. Ass moving!"
3) Was this a one-time thing? If so, this was quite the reaction.
4) Have a damn conversation.

If I cried every time my husband stared blankly at the tv while I was talking, my eyes would fall out. And same with him. And our relationship isn't shitty.

[krinny]

Well a little history would be that him watching the ENTIRE game is how most of our nights are spent. Every other night it's just TV. That's basically it. And/or him playing this or that on his phone. SO I just wanted something a little different. And yes, I could talk him, I tried, but like I said, all it turned into was him badgering me for my response and zero acknowledgement of any of his actions whatsoever. Even saying I was "just picking a fight". I feel like I gave him every opportunity for this to be fine and he just didn't care. It makes me feel not worth being around.

[knx9211]

This is how your post sounds (I am too lazy to color code)

"Here's a list of things to do (this is kind of weird anyway). BRB!"
"GrumblegrumbleWatchin the Game."
"Ok I'm back! What do you want to do?"
"Well, I kind of want to watch the game. So you pick."
"Ok, well we could go for a hike or you can watch me crochet!"
"....."
*OP runs off crying.*

Next scene:
"Ok, tell me what you want to do. Tell me. What do you want to do?"
You are too upset with him to answer.
"Come on, what do you want to go do? Let's go!"

*CURTAIN*

Really, I'm being honest: You just have to talk to him. My husband is this same way. It's not because he doesn't love spending time with me.... I hope. He just gets zoned out on the couch and doesn't think to get into what I'm talking about until I'm already upset. You just have to talk to him about it.

[brooke77]

You have to clearly communicate your needs. You told him that you wanted to do "something" after you got home. I know you would have been happy with anything, but your H cannot read your mind. Tell him what you want.

What did you want to do?

Next time. Tell him, "When I get back in an hour, take me out for margaritas." If he doesn't, then you get to be angry.

[krinny]

Thanks, TR. That's helpful. 

We've tried setting up regular date nights in the past, but between child care costs and schedules and things we just have yet to ever make it happen. We usually will just grab a random night here or there as we can. 

And I could have stuck around and forced something out of him, but it's just such an awful feeling like I have to beg and plead and order my husband to spend time with me, you know? I thought I had set all the odds in my favor - he had time to rest, be alone, do his own thing, and ideas of what I like to do and even with everything alll lined up for him he still can't manage to show he has even the slightest interest in spending time with me.

I just don't know what to do with that.

[knx9211]

Next time, pick something and tell him you want to do it. I know you shouldn't have to, but wait for a commercial, mute it, and say "Hey. After the game is over, can we go to X and do X?" If he blows you off after that question, I can understand being mad.

[katietornado]

Jun 2, 2015 11:52:53 GMT -5 krinny said:

Well a little history would be that him watching the ENTIRE game is how most of our nights are spent. Every other night it's just TV. That's basically it. And/or him playing this or that on his phone. SO I just wanted something a little different. And yes, I could talk him, I tried, but like I said, all it turned into was him badgering me for my response and zero acknowledgement of any of his actions whatsoever. Even saying I was "just picking a fight". I feel like I gave him every opportunity for this to be fine and he just didn't care. It makes me feel not worth being around.

Have you read this article?  My husband and I read it together and discussed it a little while back.  I think it's pretty spot-on in terms of communication in a marriage.

www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/

So if you guys are turning toward each other, the conversation could've gone something like this:

You:  Could you turn the TV off for a minute?  I'd like to talk to you.
H:  (turns TV off and looks at you)
You:  I was hoping we could do something from the date list that I left.  Would you be up for that?
H:  Sure.  What do you have in mind?
You:  Well I was hoping you'd pick something while I was out.  Maybe we could pick something together now.

I love my H dearly, and I think he's basically the best ever, but there is no way he'd ever pick something from a list I left him.  But if we went through it together, we could talk about it and decide on something as a couple.  Picking something (anything: food for dinner, paint colors, a date, etc) is not his thing.  It's not that he doesn't love me.  And I'm sure it's not that your H doesn't love you.  But you have to understand who he is, and help him understand what you need from him.

[ECB]

Jun 2, 2015 11:59:16 GMT -5 krinny said:

 he still can't manage to show he has even the slightest interest in spending time with me.

I just don't know what to do with that.

I feel you on this part.  While we can dissect this and state where YOU were wrong, at the same time, if your DH is really just sitting there expressing NO interest in doing anything... it's kind of hard to work with that!

I think you need to find a time, though, when there is nothing else going on - kids are in bed, TV is off - and TALK to him. explain to him why you were upset, tell him that it's REALLY IMPORTANT to you to spend time together and tell him that you need to know if this matters to him at all.

And see what he says/ where it goes.  This could be a one time, you just happened to pick a really bad time to bring this up, OR it's a bigger issue and you all need to talk more and work through this.

[cookie510]

It sounds like your H doesn't plan romantic things in general so instead of sending him a list of things to pick from you should have said:

"I want to do something besides watch tv tonight. Let's go BLAH BLAH at 7."

Stop being passive aggressive. 

[Deleted]

What is happening?

[zoomzoom]

So we've gotten in a rut of not doing much unless it's something very specific like a concert/anniversary/birthday, etc. So I took an idea from Pinterest. I bought colored popsicle-like sticks and we sat around thinking up ideas for things to do on date night. Date night is now set for Saturday nights. Saturday morning we'll pick a stick and that's what we're doing for date night. OP, is this something your H would be open to?

[Deleted]

So when I zone out in front of the tv or my phone - it's not because I don't want to spend time with my spouse, it's because I'm exhausted from parenting and life and just want to mindlessly zone out. Yes it happens a lot more than it should, but that's why. I'd suspect it's the same for him. Sure the kids were gone but you guys were out and busy and finally he had some peace and quiet to stop thinking and just sit.

So stop taking it as personal.

Quality time also doesn't have to be going out. Take some drinks out to your patio and chat, leave the phones inside. Bring out the cards, board games or a puzzle, set up some candles in the bedroom and suggest massages. Or even just read or lie there - first step is probably turning off the electronics though and then talking to each other.

[humpty]

This is another good article about emotional bids.
www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-adam-sheck/do-you-turn-toward-turn-away-or-turn-against-your-partner

[underwaterrhymes]

Is your husband awesome in other ways? Or does he suck all around?

Planning dates may not be his thing and he may need this part spelled out for him. Here's where you went wrong: You told him, "we'll do whatever you want to do. Here's a list of fun things, but you choose!" And then when he was still sitting on the couch, you pouted. You pretty much ensured that you weren't going to have a nice night out.

Planning romantic stuff is not my husband's forte. He rocks the most in just about every other way, so I let this one go because it IS something I am good at. And he knows that this is an area where he has to put his thinking cap on for things like Mother's Day and our anniversary (which we take turns planning) and then he brings his A game.

The rest of the time, I'm the one coming up with ideas and suggestions. It might be something that you just have to come to terms with if he's great in other areas.

If he's generally an asshole, though, then that's a different story.

[ginandjucie24]

I understand the running upstairs caring part sort of, but why would you clean while you cry? 

Maybe you need to be more specific in what you want to. Instead of saying I want to do whatever, maybe try saying I want to do either X,Y,or Z, which of those sounds good to you?  

[Deleted]

I would be pissed if my husband and I squandered a whole weekend without kids without having a date night so I'm sorry that happened.

I have tried to do the whole "I'm down for anything you pick" thing but I'm really NOT down for whatever he picks and he can't read my mind. Next time you need to plan something better. Get out your own list and say "I'll be back at 6 and then we are going to dinner. Wear pants."

[Deleted]

Jun 2, 2015 11:48:07 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Who just watches a random hour of a game?

Baseball--it's always on, so we watch parts then do other things.

[sparkythelawyer]

Meh. I don't know that I'm willing to give your husband as much of a pass here as others have. Its one thing to say "If it is important to you then you plan it" and another thing to have your husband basically let you know you aren't even worth the look up from the TV until you literally leave the house in tears and then still try to put it on you as somehow you should have just fixed this all.

He should have just been honest with you that he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything and he wanted to sit home and watch the game. You would have been disappointed, but at least he would have been honest.

I'm sorry that you guys had a rough night. I hope things are better today.

[otowngirl]

Jun 2, 2015 12:03:53 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

What is happening?

[agnes]

I think I'm going to start color coding conversations now.

Me: 'Sup?
H: Not much.

[Deleted]

Jun 2, 2015 12:21:28 GMT -5 agnes said:

I think I'm going to start color coding conversations now.

Me: 'Sup?
H: Not much.

Random: Help me.
Me: Who are you?

[krinny]

Thanks sparkythelawyer

[Deleted]

Lol "portable TV"

[pantsparty]

Jun 2, 2015 12:21:10 GMT -5 otowngirl said:

Jun 2, 2015 12:03:53 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

What is happening?

I prefer corndog sticks myself.