Post by Daria Morgandorffer on Jun 2, 2015 13:02:09 GMT -5
Warning- I'll have to delete this eventually.
Guys, I am at wits end and before I explode, I need to find out how to deal with this without crushing my husband's soul. lol.
My H has always had issues with being a conversation dominator- one of those that will literally keep talking when it's VERY clear that nobody is interested or that other people may want to join into the conversation. He tells stories that should take 30 seconds, but will go on tangents and include a ten year backstory that will wind up taking 10 minutes. It's painful for me in social situations because I either hurt his feelings but cutting him off and having mercy on the rest of the guests, or just sit there experiencing complete fremdschämen the entire time.
Recently he decided to lose a little weight. Great! But now, guys, he's one of those people that is posting on social media like 5 times a day with updates and complete details about everything he's doing and eating, what he's listening to while working out, along with screenshots of his weightloss app, etc. It's BAD. Nobody comments on these posts. On Sunday, DD's friend was over and when her dad came to pick her up, he casually asked H "what's up" and H literally responded "Exercise!" and then went on a 10 minute long monologue detailing his workout routines. He never even asked this guy one single question- and the dude just had twin daughters!! I finally intervened and I'm pretty sure I hurt his feelings but I just could not watch this other dude staring blankly at my H any longer with a CLEARLY uninterested look on his face. 10 minutes of nonstop talking- I am NOT exaggerating.
He's super sensitive and when I've tried to talk to him about being a conversation hog before, he gets really hurt because doesn't think it's THAT bad. It is. His friends all make light-hearted fun of him about it, but he doesn't get that we're actually trying to clue him in on something!
I WILL explode if he continues to post all this AND then text me the same updates every three hours. HOW do I handle this without completely crushing him?
I wonder if people don't comment because they just hid him from their feeds. It may be an issue not needing fixed as far as FB is concerned (thank you "unfollow" button!).
As for face-to-face, I dunno how I would address that without being mean. That's a toughie.
I wonder if people don't comment because they just hid him from their feeds. It may be an issue not needing fixed as far as FB is concerned (thank you "unfollow" button!).
As for face-to-face, I dunno how I would address that without being mean. That's a toughie.
He primarily uses Instagram, so I don't think you CAN hide someone. I only follow a few people on there so literally every other post is a screenshot of his workout app right now
I don't know what to say here. My first reaction was "would it be better that you hurt him or someone else who is less conscientious about his feelings?". If he's that sensitive, you're going to have to accept that you're going to upset him. You can't control that part of it.
But I feel you. I know 2 people like this and really, I avoid them at times. And ditto josie- I have a feeling many people have probably hidden him on FB.
Any chance you could secretly tape him when he does this?
I'm kidding, but it sounds like he needs to actually realize what's going on.
I thought of this too. Kind of weird but yet - maybe if he SEES it and really sees the other person's blank stare.... I don't know. it would be hard to do, I would imagine.
Post by charminglife on Jun 2, 2015 13:17:50 GMT -5
This is tough. I think when talking to him I'd focus on how he interacts in-person, as opposed to his social media accounts. People can hide him on FB/unfollow on instagram if they don't like his posts but it's hard to extract from a live conversation. Hell, you can unfollow him on instagram if its cluttering your feed!
Do you think you can pull in a close friend to talk with him about this, in a more serious way? That way the message isn't just coming from you and it's more direct as opposed to light-hearted teasing?
My h isn't that bad,but he can definitely take l0 minutes to tell a 30 second story. Thankfully he's generally charming and isn't at all sensitive.
Maybe have a ctj and just accept he'll pout and sulk, so you might as well be honest. Subtlety clearly hasn't worked. Make sure to point out that he's clearly a great guy or he wouldn't have friends put up with it. (that's what I have to remind myself when I'm sensitive about criticism)
Post by downtoearth on Jun 2, 2015 13:18:44 GMT -5
Let it sit quietly inside your head until he pisses you off about something unrelated and then rip him a new one about not only being a conversation hog, but also talking about exercise and weight loss like he invented it. Oh wait, probably the worst way to bring up a sensitive issue, but I can't deny that I've done this before.
Actually, I don't think I have a solution to his exercise chatter, but I do think I'd probably mention to DH that he was missing out on some social cues about his stories. Remind him that you love his chatty ways, but that the play date's dad, who just had twins and has little to no time to workout, is probably just being polite. He sounds like a friend of ours and he gets WAY into and super focused on every new hobby for awhile. Can he join a cross fit box or workout chat board or something to gab with others about this?
Oh...dear. Yeah. I honestly have no thoughts on how to deal with this besides just painful honesty with as much, "I really love you. Your friends love you. But..." as possible.
I've actually tried to get him to join a message board- but nope, he likes talking to people he knows.
Yea, I knew there was no easy way to do this. I've done the whole explode about it during an unrelated fight before (not intentionally, but yea...), but then he just chalked it up to me being pissed and overreacting.
Oh...dear. Yeah. I honestly have no thoughts on how to deal with this besides just painful honesty with as much, "I really love you. Your friends love you. But..." as possible.
I'm not good with sensitive people.
Me either. I'm generally very blunt. I'm trying very hard not to just tell him to STFU because nobody cares. If that happens, I'll have to see him cry. Nope nope nope.
but then he just chalked it up to me being pissed and overreacting.
Yeah, time to have a talk about THIS issue alone. I have a friend who is like this - a super detailed, tangential story teller. And it's affected our friendship somewhat. In that I really don't ask her much about herself because I just.don't.want to get into a drawn out story! I don't feel as close to her as I used to because I just don't know as much about her as I want. BUT the trade off just isn't worth it to me anymore!
Oh...dear. Yeah. I honestly have no thoughts on how to deal with this besides just painful honesty with as much, "I really love you. Your friends love you. But..." as possible.
I'm not good with sensitive people.
Me either. I'm generally very blunt. I'm trying very hard not to just tell him to STFU because nobody cares. If that happens, I'll have to see him cry. Nope nope nope.
What a tough situation.
With the conversation he had with the new dad, can you ask him to reflect on that situation to maybe get him to see how selfish and conversation hog he's being?
Like ask him did you ask about the new twins? Did you ask how the dad was doing? Did you let the dad get in a word?
I would probably try to do it in a joking manner at first to see if he gets it and then go from there. I would also probably time him lol to show him exactly how long the conversation goes.
Maybe approach it from being a good friend or turn the tables on him and ask him how he feels when someone doesn't show any interest.
Not a nobody cares, but hey, it's nice to show an interest in what other people are doing. Do the same thing that people do for him sometimes.
I don't know, it's a hard situation. My sister can be like that sometimes and (probably me too) I just bluntly tell her "Hey get to the point." Rude but it gets the job done.
I would let the social media stuff go. It's annoying, but that's his business.
I'm super blunt and I appreciate super bluntness in return because I couldn't buy a clue with a blank check. I am aware that I do what your H does.
I sometimes catch myself, but often not. I've had friends try code words/behaviors. Sometimes I just go into social gatherings with an "ask A X-many questions *before* updating him/her on your world" mantra/plan.
Would he be receptive to that or would he be really defensive?
I'm super blunt and I appreciate super bluntness in return because I couldn't buy a clue with a blank check. I am aware that I do what your H does.
I sometimes catch myself, but often not. I've had friends try code words/behaviors. Sometimes I just go into social gatherings with an "ask A X-many questions *before* updating him/her on your world" mantra/plan.
Would he be receptive to that or would he be really defensive?
In the past when I've tried to make him aware or have a discussion about it, he gets defensive and just goes the "at least I'm a nice guy/at least I'm not just an asshole/at least I don't just sit there/my friends clearly still like me/you married me so it can't be THAT bad" route. I generally just give up.
Me either. I'm generally very blunt. I'm trying very hard not to just tell him to STFU because nobody cares. If that happens, I'll have to see him cry. Nope nope nope.
What a tough situation.
With the conversation he had with the new dad, can you ask him to reflect on that situation to maybe get him to see how selfish and conversation hog he's being?
Like ask him did you ask about the new twins? Did you ask how the dad was doing? Did you let the dad get in a word?
I would probably try to do it in a joking manner at first to see if he gets it and then go from there. I would also probably time him lol to show him exactly how long the conversation goes.
I think this is a good idea. If I were you, I would be very constructive and thoughtful about addressing this issue (don't do it in anger). Try to focus on the adverse affect on other people rather than making it about him being boring and long-winded. I would have constructive suggestions as well, like telling a story within 2-3 minutes, asking others about their experience/opinions, seeking input, etc. The exercise thing is an example, don't make it about fitness goals b/c you know it would be something else if it were not fitness (e.g., his new cooking hobby!).
My father in law is like this. It can be hard to interject and sort of move his stories along, but I've gotten better at it. It's impossible to move him along when he's telling an emotional story. I've been trapped for 90 minutes hearing a story that should have taken 5 minutes (I swear, not exaggerating).
With the 'at least this' excuses - nope! He doesn't get to say he is better than annoying person a. People are starving on the street, doesn't mean I'm less hungry - you know? I would definitely say that he was rude to DDs friends Dad. Not asking people polite questions is rude. Not asking about brand new twins is rude. No excuses. That's a fact. Listen to you telling him. Absorb the information and then move on.
Post by jeaniebueller on Jun 2, 2015 14:11:34 GMT -5
What happens if you ask him questions later about his interactions with people--like "hey, wasn't it great hearing about friend's twins?" Or engaging him about other people? Does he reflect at all about how little he lets people engage? Another thought--is part of his non stop talking related to social anxiety? I don't know if that makes sense, but my mom and my brother are conversation hogs and its sort of due to anxiety IMO (even though neither of them have been diagnosed).
I'm super blunt and I appreciate super bluntness in return because I couldn't buy a clue with a blank check. I am aware that I do what your H does.
I sometimes catch myself, but often not. I've had friends try code words/behaviors. Sometimes I just go into social gatherings with an "ask A X-many questions *before* updating him/her on your world" mantra/plan.
Would he be receptive to that or would he be really defensive?
In the past when I've tried to make him aware or have a discussion about it, he gets defensive and just goes the "at least I'm a nice guy/at least I'm not just an asshole/at least I don't just sit there/my friends clearly still like me/you married me so it can't be THAT bad" route. I generally just give up.
So he's done with bettering himself for the rest of his life?
Yes, all those points are true, but we can all improve.
Maybe describe it as him missing out on the richness of his friendships if they're imbalanced? Get him interested in questions not just because it's socially polite but because of the answers themselves.
I agree with him that "no one cares" is hurtful. Rather, try, people tune out.
Post by Daria Morgandorffer on Jun 2, 2015 14:17:40 GMT -5
Ok, I'm starting to form a plan of approach based on the interaction with the Dad. That seems like a reasonable, valid approach and it's not the same "you never stop talking" discussion that hasn't worked in the past.
As someone who talks a lot I can tell you it can be hard to change and he has to see value in change. I suggest that he blogs or journals because it would give him an outlet. I also suggest that he practice active listening where you just listen to what someone is telling you and NOT try to think of what to say next. I try biting my tongue a lot and just saying I see, I understand, that must have been so interesting/challenging/frustrating/etc rather than to just add my 2 cents in which is what my instinct is.
I believe this is common for people who have a poor theory of mind. You might not be able to help him that much if he just doesn't naturally think about what another person is feeling/thinking when he talks to them.