Post by game blouses on Jun 2, 2015 14:49:05 GMT -5
I am sort of a reformed conversation hog, lol. I come from a family of narcissists and everyone is sure that their story is the most important.
Honestly, I thought I was an excellent conversationalist before I was excluded from a research group. They were vague about the reasons, but it really prompted me to examine how I come off to people. I had to learn how to ask questions instead of just launching into some massive story about himself.
That is to say, he might be need to be embarrassed by someone other than you or his friends before he sees the behavior as an issue, unfortunately.
I'm pulling from my ASD hat (monologuing like this is common in kids with Aspergers' and ASD) You need to talk to him and create a code word/phrase that lets him know privately that he needs to STOP. It can be anything that would not stand out but that he would get means he's going on to long. Something like 'that's interesting' could work.
I might also suggest he join a Toastmasters Club. I recently joined one and I already feel like a more competent speaker. They teach you to prepare a speech, with a beginning, middle and end, that lasts a specific amount of time. That kind of preparation might make him see that his stories aren't concise and go on too long.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jun 2, 2015 15:16:05 GMT -5
Oh man. I can relate. While I love my SO dearly, he can dominate a conversation with the most inane facts and backstory you can imagine. We took our mothers out for a joint brunch and he just went on and on and on and on about coding or something and it was like...way too much info. And I don't always know how to handle it tactfully. In that instance I actually snuck off to the bathroom to text him to maybe ask some questions of his mom or talk about something we could all have input in. It actually wasn't received terribly (sometimes it is, because I can be occasionally blunt and callous unintentionally, and because he gets very sensitive when he's mad dog excited about something and you don't share the enthusiasm).
Right now, the only thing I can do is interject in a conversation and start asking the other person (if he's talking someone's face off) something about their lives instead. It can be tough. As for social media - meh, I say let him talk his balls off there. People can always hide posts, nbd. I wish I had great advice for you here but I'm mostly just trying to figure out what works for us too!
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
Oh man. I can relate. While I love my SO dearly, he can dominate a conversation with the most inane facts and backstory you can imagine. We took our mothers out for a joint brunch and he just went on and on and on and on about coding or something and it was like...way too much info. And I don't always know how to handle it tactfully. In that instance I actually snuck off to the bathroom to text him to maybe ask some questions of his mom or talk about something we could all have input in. It actually wasn't received terribly (sometimes it is, because I can be occasionally blunt and callous unintentionally, and because he gets very sensitive when he's mad dog excited about something and you don't share the enthusiasm).
Right now, the only thing I can do is interject in a conversation and start asking the other person (if he's talking someone's face off) something about their lives instead. It can be tough. As for social media - meh, I say let him talk his balls off there. People can always hide posts, nbd. I wish I had great advice for you here but I'm mostly just trying to figure out what works for us too!
It makes me feel so much better that someone else has this problem! I've used the text technique too but he will just turn to me and be like "What?! They're interested!" and then I die of embarrassment all over again.
How about asking him what the other person said after one of these convos? I mean if he can't think of anything, which he likely won't since he dominated the conversation, maybe he will start to get it.
If not, you may need to suck it up, and flat out tell him he needs to listen as much as he talks and then maybe see him cry if he takes it badly.
DH a is like this, too, but only with me - lol. I'm his outlet, so comes home and decompresses by telling me every.single.thing, including long backstories about random people who send emails. I try to listen, but he gets offended if he thinks I'm bored. I'm like, "dude. I listen to the baby all day to encourage her learning to talk. I listen to the boy all day prattle on about Pokemon because he has a habit of dropping important info in between nonsense. By the time you talk at me for a half an hour, I'm exhausted! And no one has asked about my day yet!"
Okay, that probably wasn't helpful to you, but I needed to vent - lol.
I think you've gotten some good advice. It's a tough issue. What about focusing on being a better conversationalist in general? The dad with twins is a good starting place. People think the *best* conversationalists are the ones who hardly talk. They ask questions and tell quick, relevant stories. If it needs a long backstory, then it's not worth telling. Maybe print out some articles and be like "I read this great article! Let's try these tips!"
Oh man. I can relate. While I love my SO dearly, he can dominate a conversation with the most inane facts and backstory you can imagine. We took our mothers out for a joint brunch and he just went on and on and on and on about coding or something and it was like...way too much info. And I don't always know how to handle it tactfully. In that instance I actually snuck off to the bathroom to text him to maybe ask some questions of his mom or talk about something we could all have input in. It actually wasn't received terribly (sometimes it is, because I can be occasionally blunt and callous unintentionally, and because he gets very sensitive when he's mad dog excited about something and you don't share the enthusiasm).
Right now, the only thing I can do is interject in a conversation and start asking the other person (if he's talking someone's face off) something about their lives instead. It can be tough. As for social media - meh, I say let him talk his balls off there. People can always hide posts, nbd. I wish I had great advice for you here but I'm mostly just trying to figure out what works for us too!
It makes me feel so much better that someone else has this problem! I've used the text technique too but he will just turn to me and be like "What?! They're interested!" and then I die of embarrassment all over again.
Oh wow. lol
And really just because someone is still standing there listening to him, doesn't mean they're interested. It only means they haven't thought up a means of escape yet.
Oh man. I can relate. While I love my SO dearly, he can dominate a conversation with the most inane facts and backstory you can imagine. We took our mothers out for a joint brunch and he just went on and on and on and on about coding or something and it was like...way too much info. And I don't always know how to handle it tactfully. In that instance I actually snuck off to the bathroom to text him to maybe ask some questions of his mom or talk about something we could all have input in. It actually wasn't received terribly (sometimes it is, because I can be occasionally blunt and callous unintentionally, and because he gets very sensitive when he's mad dog excited about something and you don't share the enthusiasm).
Right now, the only thing I can do is interject in a conversation and start asking the other person (if he's talking someone's face off) something about their lives instead. It can be tough. As for social media - meh, I say let him talk his balls off there. People can always hide posts, nbd. I wish I had great advice for you here but I'm mostly just trying to figure out what works for us too!
It makes me feel so much better that someone else has this problem! I've used the text technique too but he will just turn to me and be like "What?! They're interested!" and then I die of embarrassment all over again.
I think at that point I might be like "I know, and it IS really interesting, but we only have 20 more minutes here before the movie stars (or whatever random time frame I can come up with) and I would like to hear more about what this other person is up to!"
And then like set a date to get together again that we all know we won't keep, and tell him he can pick it back up then.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
My dad is like this. He often traps people in one-sided conversations that they are not interested in. All you have to do is ask him an innocent question and it will turn into a long-winded 30 minute blah-blah-blah conversation. I have seen my poor husband look stuck with this eyes glazing over because my dad is knee deep in anti-government talk. You usually have to come over and throw him a line to get him out of it. This drives my mom crazy, she hads no problem telling him to shut-up. It's a fun time at my parents house.
This is my H... He isn't sensitive, so I really tell him his stories get a bit long sometimes. He honestly doesn't believe me though. He thinks he is the most interesting story teller when telling me all about belts and fans and blahblahblah at work. He gives backstory for everything! He also constantly loses his train of thought.
Anyway, I read the beginning of the OP to him. He said that sounds annoying. He really doesn't think he does this...
My dad is like this. He often traps people in one-sided conversations that they are not interested in. All you have to do is ask him an innocent question and it will turn into a long-winded 30 minute blah-blah-blah conversation. I have seen my poor husband look stuck with this eyes glazing over because my dad is knee deep in anti-government talk. You usually have to come over and throw him a line to get him out of it. This drives my mom crazy, she hads no problem telling him to shut-up. It's a fun time at my parents house.
MINE TOO!!!!
OP, I like the advice you've been given, but something I haven't seen mentioned is the fact that the most well-liked/ popular people are those that ask about the person with whom he/she is talking. You can definitely find an article (sorry I'm too lazy;)) & maybe set up a challenge...? Who can ask his/ her conversationalist the most questions. Then he might get into a semi-routine/ see how much more people enjoy these kinds of conversations.
I have straight up told him: Yo, you are hogging the covo! Look for signs that someone wants to speak or disengage! Read the room! Know your audience. I've been very blunt. It's worked! He has made vast improvement. I think you just have to be honest in a tactful way.
As for the FB posts, that's my H too! Though not for exercise. He used to post random "this day in history" factoids and weather related posts. Then would complain when no one liked them. And I had to be blunt again! No one wants to read history or weather posts on FB! Maybe stop posting those. Now he doesn't.
And the reason why this needs to be corrected is for the greater social good!!! I work with enough people (usually men!!) who do this and I just want to say WHY ISNT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER TALKING TO YOU ABOUT THIS?!
Ugh my H is like this a lot!!! Yes, he got it from his mom too.
I agree to make it more about "listen for as much as you talk" and "did you even ask the other person, x y z? How do you think that made them feel?"
Also, h is just an extrovert. He NEEDS TO TELL HIS STORIES!! He will tell me something and then call 3 people and tell them all the same damn thing. I joke that his other 2 friends are his other 2 wives since we all know the same amount of crap about him.
I agree with a message board to help or maybe a "log" in his case for his dieting where he can say how his day went. What about a Blog???
As for Facebook- I'd leave it alone. I think most of us are used to hiding annoying people and refinding them once they simmer down. Hide him yourself if you have to. Maybe get him into Twitter or Pinterest for his exercise enthusiasm? I see so many Twitter people post dozens of times a day about nothing.
My H can be long winded. He's not a FB over sharer though. Quite the opposite. But in a conversation he can get painfully tangential. Especially if he's been drinking.
Thankfully he's not that sensitive. I've told him many times that he needs to be "faster funnier" and that not every piece of a story needs the backstory. He didn't believe me really until some of the other pilots in his squadron mentioned it when then roasted him. You need to have a THICK skin in his corner of the military, and he does, but hearing it from someone other than me helped a lot.
I will interject if I see him doing the long tangential story thing. Or I'll squeeze his hand. He knows what that means.
Post by phunluvin82 on Jun 2, 2015 20:10:38 GMT -5
My H can be a convo hog. I try to interject and ask people Q's or change the subject when possible, but it's not really a solution.
Like others have mentioned, I do send him articles or studies about how people like to talk about themselves, have better social impressions of people who *don't* talk about themselves a lot, rate people who ask lots of Q's as better conversationalists, etc. But we often send and share stuff that we come across and think is interesting. So this is common practice for us for all sorts of subjects...it doesn't just come off as me harping on a specific thing all the time. It's more, 'Oh, isn't this interesting...'
You said he gets this from his mom...does it annoy him when she does it? Because my mom has great difficulty getting to the point sometimes and it drives me nuts. But I am aware that I sometimes do the same thing and I try to be conscious of it. When my H calls me out and says I sound like my mom, that totally gets through to me. Because I find it so annoying and I don't want to be that annoying person. Would your H be able to see and acknowledge this similarity and use it as motivation to work on the issue?
(sometimes it is, because I can be occasionally blunt and callous unintentionally, and because he gets very sensitive when he's mad dog excited about something and you don't share the enthusiasm).
Oh man. My brain just said "Ah ha!" because this is me interacting with my husband a whole, whole lot. I gotta work on this.
As someone who talks a lot I can tell you it can be hard to change and he has to see value in change. I suggest that he blogs or journals because it would give him an outlet. I also suggest that he practice active listening where you just listen to what someone is telling you and NOT try to think of what to say next. I try biting my tongue a lot and just saying I see, I understand, that must have been so interesting/challenging/frustrating/etc rather than to just add my 2 cents in which is what my instinct is.
I believe this is common for people who have a poor theory of mind. You might not be able to help him that much if he just doesn't naturally think about what another person is feeling/thinking when he talks to them.
That's kind of where my head went. My DS has Aspergers and can be a bit like this. For him it's a function of anxiety. DS's psychologist suggested a notebook for tracking the minutia of his current interests as a way to meet his need to focus on whatever it is while not stigmatizing himself socially. The OP's DH could track weight, meals, exercise goals and reps as a solitary activity.
I always find it helpful for myself to remember that no one thinks they are stupid. No one thinks they are a bad driver. And no one thinks their dog will bite. But dogs will bite, some people are bad drivers, and some people are stupid.
I could be one of those people.
Perhaps point out that of course he doesn't see it - none of us are good at seeing our faults - we all walk through life thinking we are correct. And then point out that you love him and this could be one of those things where he thinks he is getting it right, but he might not be. Finally, point out the consensus - its not just you, its everyone who knows him who agrees. Then add that its no big deal, but perhaps he could moderate a little, and trust those who care about him on this issue? They have his interests at heart.
If that doesn't work, you will have to suck it up. We all have flaws. Some we can change, some we can't.
My DH is also like this, and he wonders why people have actively started to avoid him. It is getting worse as he gets older. He used to just like to socialize, but now it is just clanging on and on and on about the same topics over and over and over. When I try to talk to him about it he just says things like, "People like me, I like to talk, I am social." I actually do wonder if he is on the spectrum...he is very much like our ASD DD. I just don't know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. It is impacting our social life and making me resentful.
My DH is also like this, and he wonders why people have actively started to avoid him. It is getting worse as he gets older. He used to just like to socialize, but now it is just clanging on and on and on about the same topics over and over and over. When I try to talk to him about it he just says things like, "People like me, I like to talk, I am social." I actually do wonder if he is on the spectrum...he is very much like our ASD DD. I just don't know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. It is impacting our social life and making me resentful.
Have you pointed out the opposition between these two statements? What does he say?
My DH is also like this, and he wonders why people have actively started to avoid him. It is getting worse as he gets older. He used to just like to socialize, but now it is just clanging on and on and on about the same topics over and over and over. When I try to talk to him about it he just says things like, "People like me, I like to talk, I am social." I actually do wonder if he is on the spectrum...he is very much like our ASD DD. I just don't know what to do about it. I am so frustrated. It is impacting our social life and making me resentful.
Have you pointed out the opposition between these two statements? What does he say?
He just turns immediately to how rude these people are and how they have changed...then shuts down and they are presona non grata. I do say things like...'Dude, you talk a lot and they may have places to be and know that engaging with you will be 20 min of their life they won't get back' (brightly)
Post by jeaniebueller on Jun 3, 2015 10:49:47 GMT -5
As far as the exercise, maybe he could limit his social media to friending people on map my run or MFP--you know, where there is an audience for that kind of thing and he could get the gratification he is looking for?