Also, I take DD on weekend trips with DH with some regularity. He loves it, it's one of the only ways he gets significant free time to pursue his hobbies. I can't see him being upset about it, that's weird.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jun 20, 2015 9:36:44 GMT -5
The last vacation was very recent right? I'm sure part of what he is say "no more ever" is being said in the moment and if you come to him in a few months and talk about things that you are going to do in the future to compromise like separate more from your parents, not allowing your parents to blatantly override him, etc and taking a couple year break from vacation, etc he might be more inclined to be like "okay let's try again in a few years."
I do tend to revert a bit when my parents are around. It's hard for me realize in the moment at times, though it's something I'm working on. My mom esp takes such great care of me and G that's easy (and a welcome break sometimes) to turn the reins over to her. As such, I sometimes don't put my foot down enough. Like the nap time vs pool incident.
Also, when my parents are being helpful I feel like a jerk being all "he can't have spaghetti o's or Oreos - here's a kale pouch! (Which I did do.) Or telling them that G can't do this or that. I don't want to squelch their desire and willingness to help but it sounds like I - with H - need to do a better job of deciding what our non-negotiables are and communicating them to my parents. And H will need to unclench a bit on that - Oreos are not my hill to on.
Eta - Also, renting a car can be expensive, which is why we typically get one. This week for example, we rented a suburban (because there were 6 adults - my sister and her boyfriend joined us) for the week. We paid for it and it was around $700 for the week. This was through Costco, also. I know a car would be less expensive, but my parents prefer to travel more frugally than we do so sharing the cost of a rental is appealing to them.
The last vacation was very recent right? I'm sure part of what he is say "no more ever" is being said in the moment and if you come to him in a few months and talk about things that you are going to do in the future to compromise like separate more from your parents, not allowing your parents to blatantly override him, etc and taking a couple year break from vacation, etc he might be more inclined to be like "okay let's try again in a few years."
Lol. We just got home yesterday. My parents left today. He is definitely on family overload right now. But it's the same message he's always had - he doesn't care for it. He didn't want to go on this trip, actually. I do think time is a good idea, along with the other tweaks you mentioned.
Post by redheadbaker on Jun 20, 2015 9:51:11 GMT -5
While I think a couple of his complaints are justified, some of it he needs to let go. No spaghetti-o's? I'm not a fan, either, but it's not going to harm your son.
And not "letting" you vacation with your family without him? Not cool at all.
If you go without him, does that mean you won't have vacation time to use with him?
I wonder this, too. If your time or funds to vacation are limited, I can see how he doesn't want you to go without him. If not, I don't see how it affects him for you to travel with your family if he doesn't have to go.
To answer the actual question, I don't love vacations with ILs or my family, but we suck it up and do them every few years. Definitely not every year, though, and the last time we did one with the ILs, I was with them all week with DD and DH was only able to join is for a long weekend at the end (so, 3 days). It helps that I can take more time off than DH can, but I still wouldn't want to regularly spend several days with my ILs without DH.
He has the right to choose whether he goes, but he absolutely cannot tell you not to go if you still have vacation time to take with just the three of you.
One of our must-haves with family travel is our own car. For the cost of one suburban, you could probably get three economy cars, and that is what I would do. That will enable him to get away when he needs to, or the three of you could take one day for just you on each of these trips.
I am a little sad that he won't let your kid have a treat even on vacation. Desserts have a time and place, and kale is not an equivalent substitute.
No. You need your own car. That's your escape. You need to think about what is best for your family which is you, your H, and your son. Your parents could have split the cost of a car with your sister and her boyfriend.
OMG yes.
This is why I always drove to the inlaws- so I could bolt at a moment's notice. It's what keeps me sane- knowing I can GTFO if I need to.
Who arranged the car?
TBH, quick price search on Costco for next week- you could rent 3 full size cars for less than the cost of the Suburban. $188 each compared to $869. DH wants to rent a big car for our trip to his reunion later this summer, so I've been hitting the rental sites.
Post by turtlegirl on Jun 20, 2015 10:14:16 GMT -5
I haven't read the whole thread, but pretty much all we do for "vacations" is family trips either my family or the IL's. The extra grandparent help is amazing and they usually help with the cost.
The rare time we take a vacation alone we really do it alone and leave the kids home with the grandparents, lol.
Post by cricketwife on Jun 20, 2015 10:19:37 GMT -5
If you have the time and money to do this in addition to regular vacations with just the 3 of you, then he should let you go alone. Tbh, it doesn't sound like much of a vacation to me either. I would suggest you stop forcing this on him. He has given it a fair shake. TBH from your posts it sounds like you know which parts of the arrangement he doesn't like, but that you haven't tried to adjust them for him. happily H doesn't mind visiting my mom in FL and calling it a vacation until we can afford something else. We also visit his family in England and he knows I do not call that a vacation, lol. I also spend time with my family without him, simply because I have more time off. And really, it's nice for everybody - he gets time to himself, I get time with my mom, she gets time with her grandson.
Post by cricketwife on Jun 20, 2015 10:22:38 GMT -5
And one more thing... If he us anything like my H, the fact that he is upset about spaghettios means that he is feeling unhappy/unsupported across the board. Perhaps if he felt better about some aspects of the vacation, he wouldn't care about spaghettios. it sounds like the whole thing is miserable for him and he can't find the positive anymore.
Post by moopoint17 on Jun 20, 2015 10:29:08 GMT -5
I like family vacations!
We used to do a long weekend of camping with the ILs and DS1 had a blast playing with his cousins. Plus H and I felt we could relax a bit more knowing that there were extra eyes on him.
We're going on a week long trip to Orlando with my sister (and her H & kids) and my parents. I'm excited - no feeling of dread there either. But i see these guys a lot. We all live in the same town and hang out pretty often.
Post by redpenmama on Jun 20, 2015 10:36:26 GMT -5
I'd always vacation with my family. They are a huge help w/the kids and pay for everything. I think H feels the same way.
We did a beach trip 3 summers ago: me, H, and DD, my parents, and FIL. We rented a house to fit all of us (i.e., 3 bedrooms). FIL came for half of the trip and stiffed my parents on the cost of his "share" of the house (which was agreed upon in advance and only covered his room/the nights he was there). Meanwhile, he put my SIL and her husband up in a condo on the beach so they could come too. So, we won't be doing that again -- my parents were OK with it, but I was pissed, and H was humiliated.
Pros and cons. We do a vacation every year with my in laws. Pros - they help us with the kids so it's definitely easier, especially when they were really little. Vacationing with toddlers is the worst IMO. Cons - we pay for it so there is less money available for other vacation destinations. Plus, it's a little awkward and uncomfortable for me being with my in laws 24/7, as nice as they are. I feel that I have to be on my best behavior at all times, kwim?
We've been doing it annually for 7 years now so overall, I guess it is a nice tradition for the kids. I know they look forward to it. I haven't tried to put a stop to it yet for that reason.
I definitely think you both have some learning to do. You should rent your own car, stand up for your H when it comes to your kid, and do some things with just your family. He needs to cut the grandparents some slack or think about letting you go alone. However, if I felt like my kid wasn't being well taken care of and my spouse wasn't standing up to his parents, I would not be thrilled about them going on vacation without me.
Post by hopecounts on Jun 20, 2015 11:09:16 GMT -5
As long as everyone has their own space we're cool with it. We often travel with one set of parents or the other. We usually do most things with them but neither of us mind that since it's typically somewhere where we all want to do X,Y, and Z so it's fine for us. My ILs are mostly respectful of our parenting rules so that isn't an issue usually, with my parents I just call them on it if needed. BUT I'm the strict bedtime/rule follower so I could see if it was reversed it would be frustrating if DH wouldn't lay out the rules to his parents. In your case I would back your H by getting a second car so y'all can do some immediate family stuff without them, back him on the parenting stuff (you two are a unit and need to be undivided at least publicly when it comes to the kid).
We vacation with both sides of our family. I personally love it, but my parents are easy-going and we tend to go on vacation with about 30 people in my family (a few houses on the same street). My ILs are a lot of fun but can be more difficult of a dynamic with certain siblings, but generally we have a lot of fun and DD1 LOVES being with her cousins. So basically we take the good with the bad, and we accept that the kids will get a lot of grandparent coddling. In return, we get time to ourselves as a couple which we love.
Post by humpforfree on Jun 20, 2015 11:13:23 GMT -5
I can kind of see what your H doesn't want you to go without him too though... It kind of makes him look like a jerk when they ask why he isn't coming- "oh he doesn't have fun/like it/like you." I mean, how do you explain out of it since he's already done the trip together multiple times? I guess make up a work project?
At this point, my advice is to just let this go for a bit. Get some distance, etc. then in a couple months or at some point where it makes sense, talk compromises. Like to start - GET YOUR OWN CAR!!!!!
Or, if it doesn't affect your time to vacation with just the 3 of you, maybe you and g go for a long weekend w your family
Or... Whatever wlse the two of you can come to a happy medium on.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Jun 20, 2015 11:17:08 GMT -5
we've done tons of vacations with our families. We've done 3 cruises with my family a total of about 20 people. They were all really fun, everyone can do their own thing and meet for dinner. We do florida every labor day weekend with my family, my aunt has a condo and we all meet there. It's great because everyone is happy to help with the kids so we can actually relax a little! We've done the Tennessee Mts/ Gatlinburg with DHs family and plan to go somewhere next year. It's a more fun way to see all his siblings and kids since we have to travel to see them anyway We like our families though, so it's fun for us.
Post by carolinagirl831 on Jun 20, 2015 11:19:36 GMT -5
I think your DH should let you go alone if he doesn't enjoy it. Or suck it up a few times. Our parents would be really hurt if we didn't ever do it again. It's ridiculous to tell you , you and G can't go if he doesn't want too. I don't have this type of dynamic with DH though, so its hard for me to understand
We have a family reunion every other year which usually involves road tripping with my extended family. I enjoy it and dh deals with it. I would laugh in his face if he told me I couldn't go without him. It would be a serious bitch please moment. He did say he would never drive cross country with them after 22 hours one way but I felt the same. However, that was 4 years ago so we could probably be convinced to do it again. I love hanging with my family. Being on vacation with them is an added perk.
Vacations are always more fun with more people around. I'm team you.
This is how I feel.
We travel with DH's mom a lot to see other members of DH's family. It's fun though I'm ready for alone time at the end. We haven't gone yet with DS. I'm expecting that to be stressful until he is 3or so and then it'll be fun again.
Totally not cool for OP's DH to say she shouldn't go without him. Especially if the trip is relatively inexpensive.
IMO he can't have it both ways. As long as it's not your only vacation together, he needs to either suck it up every other year, or plan to do something solo while you go with your LO.
ETA: I put up with rare visits to the ILs to keep the peace. I'd be thrilled if just DH and DD went sometimes. My family does a big vacation every 18 months or so. We rotate who cooks, and my parents insist on watching all 6 grandkids one night while we all go out to dinner. I'm pissed that we're the ones required to fly cross country for it, but housing is free and DD gets to make memories with her cousins. DH would be fine with us going without him, but he's looking forward to it. He's been sick/injured every other time, so he hopes to be healthy this year
Of our 3 sets of parents (MIL and FIL are divorced), the only ones I voluntarily spend my precious vacation time with are FIL/SMIL. They are a huge help and are actually fun. Everyone else is...not.
I think you bother need to meet in the middle - you respecting his hesitation because of boundaries and him because, well, it's vacation!
I would see if you can modify things a little in the future... Your own car for starters but perhaps staying in a hotel over a shared house too. My extended family does occasional house rentings and it's just too much togetherness for some of the introverts (including my husband), so we get a nearby hotel and still participate in some stuff, and some people stay a shorter amount of time. "Work" is a great and often truthful excuse for reduced participation. If it were just me calling the shots I'd have my kids hanging out with family all day long (I think the relationships kids make with family are so important) but a little separation keeps the peace and is a decent enough compromise. I'm also not working now so can whisk the kids off and do stuff I want to do that might not interest my husband as much. Win win.
To answer the question, I love doing stuff with my inlaws. They're awesome and we've vacationed with them many times. My husband tires of his parents long before I do, haha.
BTDT with both of our families. It's usually a miserable experience. My husband is very different than my family, and I am very different from his family.