I was going to do a poll, but I suspect it will be 99% yes responses, and I'm more interested in an actual discussion about this.
I'm in a FB group in which a question was raised about what we would never do as parents/human beings that our mothers did. Almost every single person responding cited preoccupation with body issues, which I found really sad, if not surprising.
Was your mother like this? How did her preoccupation manifest itself? Did she focus on herself, or did she also pressure you about your body? Do you think younger women will be like this as well, protestations to the contrary notwithstanding? If this issue is on your radar, does it impact how you interact with your children/others, such as how you talk about yourself?
My mom was a tiny little thing 5'2 and never weighed over 130. She would constantly weigh herself and walk around the house calling herself fat. When I was pregnant she would constantly ask how much weight I was gaining and tell me my stretch marks would never fade (really nice things to tell a pregnant woman). I think she wanted me to be as unhappy with my body as she was. Growing up if I had been overweight I think she would have been even worse; being overweight is unacceptable to my mother.
I no longer speak to her, and I think it has helped because I am not at all how she is with regards to weight. I don't really know how much I weigh (and I do own a scale) I just go with liking what I look like and eating what I want withing moderation (and sometimes not) I don't feel guilty for eating unhealthy food (unless I know I did it out of boredom).
For the most part I like my body, I think everyone has a problem spot they would fix but that's the extent of it.
My mom has been i a diet since my earliest memories. She now yo yos between probably a obese weight and an overweight weight.
I refuse to live like her. Spending my whole life trying to get to an unrealistic weight and never being happy with myself. I have learned a lot of lessons of things not to do.
Post by jeaniebueller on Jul 1, 2015 8:39:20 GMT -5
Yes. She proudly tells us how she subsisted on iceberg lettuce after having us to get back to her pp weight. As if that is a good thing? She binges on sweets, yo yo diets, etc. She refers to herself as "fat" on a regular basis. I definitely get my issues from her.
Post by lyssbobiss, Command, B613 on Jul 1, 2015 8:39:57 GMT -5
Yes. My mom was slightly overweight as a teenager and had a terrible body image even then, thinking she was morbidly obese. Since then she has done nothing but be hyper critical of herself, and me but to a lesser degree, and she has never ever eaten well. She will eat something like 10 blueberries and 3 celery sticks with peanut butter for dinner, for example. She got a Fitbit and will freak out if she walks less than 20,000 steps a day, like, she will walk in circles around the house at night if she has clocked in a mere 15,000. It's so incredibly unhealthy and she's not hearing anything from me about it. She used to hide sweet food from me when I was a little kid, and the only compliment I ever got from her was that I had a pretty face, which is a phrase that still makes me feel sick. As if I'm a floating head.
"This prick is asking for someone here to bring him to task Somebody give me some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him I'll pull the trigger on it, someone load the gun and cock it While we were all watching, he got Washington in his pocket."
My mom has always been thin - she's about 5'1" and has topped out at maybe 130 lbs. at her heaviest. She was always on me about my weight and eating habits and constantly told me how heavy I was, even back when I wasn't heavy. My sister and I have similar builds - curvy with tree-trunk legs - but she's taken better care of herself than me so she's got an athletic body. I just overate because I figured there was no point in avoiding sweets and stuff if I was going to be a big fat fuck anyway.
I wish I'd known back then that I was actually in great shape and I could've maintained it if I had more self-control. I would kill to be at my college weight again. I was afraid to wear girly clothes because I thought I was fat, and because it was implied that most girly clothes were "slutty" ... I grew up with my mom buying me exactly what she wore (a lot of turtlenecks and tight light-washed ankle-length jeans), getting cheap haircuts, and once I was old enough to buy my own clothes I mostly bought boys' t-shirts and shorts because I was afraid of my figure. I didn't think I was pretty or thin enough for the cute clothes in the Delia's catalog, lol.
In college when MH and I were first dating I wore a knee-length fairly modest dress when we took the train into NYC, but when my dad picked up he screamed at me that I was lucky I hadn't gotten raped by a stranger because my dress had spaghetti straps. A few years prior I bought red nail polish at the dollar store and painted my nails, and when my dad saw he dragged me to the kitchen table and angrily scrubbed it off while telling me that I looked like a whore.
Both my parents would make comments about random fat people they'd see on the street (not to their faces, behind their backs). "Wow, widen the doorways for that one!" ("Widen the doorways" was also said a lot when they'd walk into the kitchen and see me eating something) or "She needs to put down the fork." Or just wide eyes and silently mouthing, "Wooooowww." There were also a lot of songs my mom would sing about fat people she saw, or when I was eating too much for her liking ... "Fat and Skinny had a race, all around the pillow case, Fat fell down and broke her face, Skinny won the race." And the Beach Boys' "I Get Around" was changed "Round, round, big and round, she's big and round."
When we went shopping for my wedding gown, my mom made so many comments about my size that the saleswoman finally laughed awkwardly and said, "Geez, Mom, back off!"
It all made sense one day when my mom casually mentioned - and apparently saw nothing wrong with it - that when she was a teenager my grandmother (about 4'10" and 100 lbs. dripping wet for her whole life) used to tape photos of those circus freakshow fat ladies to their fridge and write my mother's name on the picture to discourage her from eating.
So, yeah.
ETA: Oh, I forgot about this one. My memory is a little fuzzy on the details, but an envelope came in the mail one day. Mom and I have the same legal name (because she wanted to name me after herself ... I go by a different nickname for differentiation) and the legal name was on the envelope and she said it must be for me. I opened it and it was a torn-out newspaper ad about a diet pill with a handwritten, "NAME, you should try this!" on it. It was postmarked from California so I doubt she sent it, but I have no idea where it came from or why it must have been for me rather than her.
And my dad called me "fatass" once during an argument.
I started to gain weight once I got to college because I was able to buy myself food rather than just eat what was at home. My mom was (is) a terrible cook and nothing she made ever tasted good, so I definitely binged on junk food and takeout whenever possible because something finally tasted yummy.
My mom has fluctuated for as long as I've known her. She criticizes herself, but some of it was beyond her control due to some health issues. She does work on her health, but I don't think it has stopped her from enjoying her life completely. I do think she'd be a bit braver if she were at what she considers her perfect size.
I'd put myself in essentially the same mindset. However I don't openly criticize myself. I keep the voices in my head and either drown them out with some form of exercise or ice cream.
Yes - she was actually quite sneaky with respect to herself. She was overweight most of my life, save for a brief time when she did WW and lost/kept weight off successfully for several years. When I got older, I couldn't figure out why, because she seemed like she ate healthy. When I was about 11, I discovered she had secret stashes of junk food - cookies hidden, candy hidden, etc. That made me sad.
She didn't so much pressure me directly as make little comments. She still does. She would make comments about me being skinny, having a flat stomach when I was younger. Post college - if I lose weight, she'll pat my stomach and tell me I look good. Last year for my birthday, she bought me a 'skinny t shirt' thing, because 'it smooths out the bulges. Um, thanks?
I hope our generation is aware enough about these things that they won't pass it to their kids...but I hear how my college students talk about themselves, so I don't hold out much hope.
Post by teengirlsquad on Jul 1, 2015 8:49:07 GMT -5
Yes - my mom has dieted on and off her entire life. She has completely destroyed her metabolism. She was overweight when I was in high school, but lost a good amount when I was in college and looks great, but she can never see past her midsection being bigger than she would like. She constantly talks about food and her diet and her weight and everyone elses weight. The first thing she will mention about someone is if they have gained or lost weight. Its obsessive. I have been fighting the tendency to be this way. My sister has come this as well. She is incredibly skinny but talks about it all the time. When she is 00 tiny she won't see that she needs to put on weight and she always talks about how skinny she is and how small she is to the point that all her friends are annoyed by her.
I have terrible body image because of them, but I refuse to diet and fight the urge to worry about my size and weight. I won't count calories or own a scale because I see the temptation of becoming obsessed with my weight and when I was in high school one of my friends passed away due to anorexia.
If I am a mom one day I hope to never say anything negative about my body or my children's bodies or anyone else's bodies. I don't want to pass my body image issues down to anyone else.
My mom has been obese mostly my whole life, and has very bad food and body image issues.
When I was really young, I remember her having a different dinner than us. Something from a diet like NutriSystem or something. I remember wondering why she wasn't eating what the rest of the family was having for dinner.
Then, as I got to be a pre-teen I started gaining weight and the comments about my body started. "You are never going to get a boyfriend if you're fat." "Your butt looks like it's getting bigger, what are you eating?" "It's a shame you are so heavy, you have such a pretty face."
Hearing stories about her parents (my grandparents) it sounds like a lot of this was said to her while she was growing up. Which I find really rich that she turned around and said it all to me when I was a pre-teen and teenager. Now she denies denies denies that she ever said those things. She thinks I am overly sensitive and I am exaggerating.
As a result, I am adamant about not giving my kids food or body issues. Even though I only have boys, I know they can develop body issues too. My DS1 tends to be on the bigger side (90+ percentile for weight), but we have never, ever mentioned that to him. We cut out carby snacks and reduced the frequency of treats, but never made it about him. We talk about eating healthy food to keep our bodies strong and healthy. Everyone in the family eats this way now, even though my DS2 is a beanpole. I plan to continue to have this approach as DS1 gets older, even though he's slimmed out a lot since we really reined in the foods we eat at home.
I always knew that my mom wasn't a huge fan of her body - like she'd work in the yard in shorts and a sports bra but would always keep her shirt handy in case somebody came up the driveway and would yank it on in a hurry saying, "nobody wants to see that." THAT being her stretchmarked belly pooch.
But I think she actually did a pretty good job of also conveying pride in what her body could accomplish. She's always been chubby-fit and when I was a kid I was always really proud of being STRONG and having good endurance. And now that I'm all growned and suddenly my non-20something metabolism kicked in, I just naturally found myself focusing on getting back my strength and fitness with fitting into smaller pants being a very secondary consideration. I have to credit her for that. I dieted for about 5 minutes before getting bored with it, but when I actually got started running the idea of having CALF MUSCLES! and being able to RUN FOR AN HOUR WITHOUT STOPPING!! were just so fucking exciting that it way way outshined any joy at losing a pound because I didn't eat the cake. Who the fuck cares what I weight, I just ran for an hour!!
Yes, but she thought she was too skinny and still does. She thought her legs looked too long and thin to wear shorts, she had no boobs, etc. I was the opposite of her (athletic curvy build) and figured that if she hated herself and was the traditionally thin, tall woman who everyone else wanted to be like, than I was screwed.
I don't rememevr my mother ever not calling herself fat. She was never more than a size 14, and 5'9". I definitely have some major issues as far as feeling like being fat means you don't deserve anything good and you need to be thin before anything else.
Oh and I remember her always talking about how chunky she was when a young mom. I later found out she weighed 130 lbs, which has always been my happy weight. We are the same height. That is when it hit me how distorted her image of herself has been.
I wouldn't say my mom had a preoccupation with her body or my body. She is overweight and not happy about it but only made run of the mill comments about herself. My dad on the other hand liked to "tease" both of us about eating.
I am way overweight now. Growing up I was always a little overweight. I gained a lot of weight once I went to college and it's been that way ever since. I definitely soothe myself with food if I'm feeling lonely or depressed. I'm addicted to sugary food.
Post by spaghettisquash on Jul 1, 2015 9:04:19 GMT -5
Yes. Growing up, my mom was always on a diet, which meant I was always on a diet because I was a chunky kid. My grandmothers (both sides) routinely made comments about how heavy she was- she was probably around a size 12? My father also made comments and would make pig sounds when she ate. She would also hoard food and eat it secretly, both habits that I've unfortunately adopted.
They all did it to me as well. And are all shocked now that I'm therapy to deal with my disordered eating habits. I'm tired of constantly dieting and am just trying to get healthy now, including having a healthy relationship with food and not passing this onto my kid.
No. I have never known my mother to be on a diet to lose weight or to have anything negative to say about her body or her appearance (she's never been over a size 8, either, however). She has been doing yoga for over a decade, but that's about being fit, not size. She became diabetic two years ago so she now follows a very strict no carb, no sweets diet in an effort to manage that. She's hardcore with it. I hope I am never diagnosed with it, because I have been on a lifelong all carb, all sweets diet and I lack willpower.
Growing up, my mother never said anything negative to us about our bodies, although to be fair, my sister and I have always been tall and slim. She only ever gave us lots of compliments about being pretty, gorgeous, etc. Now, we are coincidentally both at our biggest weight ever (my sister had a baby last year and I'm just old and in love with S'mores frappucinos) and my mother commented for the first time. Relatively speaking, we're still both fairly slim people, but she sent my sister a dress that she couldn't fit, so my mother made a joke to me about how fat we're getting. It was hilarious, but obviously only because we have no history of body issues or my mother saying anything like that seriously.
Not weight wise. But she has always complained about her wrinkles/looking old. Which I started doing in my early 30s. I've said this before, but around 35, I became very aware of when I said it, and made a conscious effort to stop, for my girls. Turns out, it changed how I see myself. Not only because I stopped verbalizing the things I didn't like, but because I started verbalizing what I do like about me. Because children will repeat what they see, and I want my girls to have that kind of self esteem.
ETA: my mom was never, ever negative towards me--she was the exact opposite. So I grew up only hearing positives about my appearance. Yet I still fell into focusing on the negatives because it was learned behavior. That's why I made the step to change how I talked about myself. Because I don't want my girls to learn that from me.
Yes. She was thin until I went to college, when she finally got on much needed anti depressants. Unfortunately she also gained a lot of weight (about 85-100 pounds) in the year after she went on them. Growing up she said all the right things to me ("you're beautiful just the way you are!") but was so critical of herself. And she always commented on other people's weights as soon as we left somewhere ("Did you see Mrs. Mack, she's really let herself go. Sad."). She never drank alcohol (calories!) and ate little.
Now she is happier in some ways but gaining weight has made her weirder about her issues. She sometimes talks about how "gross" Melissa McCarthy is or says that our society "glorifies" obese people - um, what??? She hoardes her old smaller clothes. She will not get rid of them, even though if she is ever a size 4 again they will be very out of date.
It's definitely contributed to my food issues. I have always felt a TON of pressure to be thin. I get anxious in the week or so before she comes to visit. Gaining weight after my kids were born has been hard. She always says stuff: "that top makes you look pregnant," or "should you be drinking that?" or "this would look cute on you when you lose the baby weight." She buys me clothes that are three or four sizes too big and then is surprised that they don't fit. My husband used to love her but it has made him really change his mind. It enrages him. She says all this as "a joke," and when I tell her to stop she's "only kidding" and I need to "lighten up." Ugh.
I don't think so. She was skinnyskinnyskinny when she got married and eventually went up to a 16 or so but she never seemed terribly bothered by her body.
That said, I didn't pay attention to this stuff until after my parents got divorced. I don't know how she was when she was married to him. I suspect she put more pressure on herself when she was still trying to keep mu father's attention:
My mom is a runner and has been since her teens, so that has kept her in pretty great shape. She is in her 50s and still wears a bikini proudly. The weird body thing she has though is about being tan. She has been on a lifelong quest to be tan and it is kind of sad now for her to have the consequences as far as suspicious moles removed, sun damage, and some premature aging. She sometimes made comments about me being pale and ghostly when I was younger, but I have let that go and embraced my normal skin tone, and I think I will have the last laugh when my skin looks better at 55.
Yes she does, and she manifested it on to me and my sisters in inappropriate ways. For example, she tells my 15 year old sister not to buy shoes with ankle straps because they make her ankles look fat. She never hesitated to tell me if something I was wearing wasn't flattering. I think she genuinely thinks she's helping but she absolutely passed a lot of her body issues on to me - and probably to my sisters. I love my mom to pieces and she's a really fantastic mother in general, but this is one of her biggest weaknesses, for sure.
My mother does not. She has always been naturally thin, though I suppose some of that was aided by cigarettes at various points in time. My two sisters got her genes. I got my father's sloth-like metabolism. She was not ever mean about it, and I don't really recall it being something she brought up much at all, but given that situation, nobody needed to even do anything for me to feel weird about it all.
Yes, she totally was. She asked my teachers at school to make sure I was buying skim milk for my lunch. Every food choice was met with, "Well, that's going to make you fat." At one point, when I was in a high school musical and was rehearsing from right after school until 10pm (and often not able to eat dinner), I got down to a size 7 and she was overjoyed. "Now you can try out for cheerleading!" Um, no.
She is still very caught up in appearance and bases much of her self-esteem in it: she exercises copiously, she does Botox, she's had laser peels done to her face, she has had hair extensions put in because she has really fine, fragile hair, etc. I really watch how she interacts with DD because I am NOT allowing the same body-shaming in our house. I want my kids to be healthy, but their shape is going to be their own.
Yes. She did various diets all throughout my childhood, some of them more risky/unhealthy than others. I don't remember a time she has ever been happy with the way she looks. Even now, if I skype her she does her best not to sit in front of the camera because she doesn't want to be seen.
She didn't really project her body image issues on me, but growing up I was naturally thin (until I started college, since then it's been a struggle). But I think her constant dislike of her own body has effected me. Now that it is harder to keep weight off and lose it, I feel more pressure. It's not from her directly; she's okay however I like. But more growing up constantly hearing how she is dieting and wanted to be thin.
My mom has severe issues with food, which I haven't been able to avoid myself. She had gastric bypass surgery when I was in high school, and constantly tells people about how hard it is to be approved for it because you have to prove that dieting and exercise didn't work. My mom has NEVER dieted or exercised. She's had many complications from the surgery, some that are legit physical issues (such as twisted bowels), and some that are all mental. She throws up after every meal, and insisted it was due to physical pain. She went in for surgery a few weeks ago because they figured she must have scar tissue and they found the tiniest bit of scar tissue and the doctor told my dad that he doesn't think she would have felt anything from that. My dad told the doctor that he thinks she's dealing with an eating disorder rather than something physically wrong that can be fixed with surgery. We got her a chicken sandwich while we were out a couple of weeks ago and when she went with the kids and I to the mall we went back to the same fast food place and she said she was going to go to a different place because the sandwich made her sick. She came back to the table with bacon cheese fries...
Meals growing up were generally things like chicken cutlets and fries or hot dogs and fries. They didn't instill good eating habits in any of us. I'm very overweight and bulimic and hate myself for it. I don't want to pass it on to my kids, but I feel like if I don't get healthy, how can I be a good role model? H's mom is super focused on weight and has instilled a horrible body image in him. He's been working out and gotten very in shape (he bought all size small when we went shopping last week) and yet he still thinks he's fat. I have to remind him often not to talk like that in front of the kids. His body image issues make mine worse because if he thinks he looks bad, then in my mind I wonder what he thinks of me (he reassures me often, but that doesn't matter).
I am so happy with myself in every other aspect except for this one, yet I can't get control of this and I can't stop focusing on it. It's very frustrating.
She definitely has body issues, but probably not a severe as some. She was effortlessly rail thin (5'6", 105 lbs.) until she had my brother at age 21, when she promptly gained 70 lbs. I think that was a bit of a mindfuck for her. She probably hovered in the 140-150 lb. range for most of her 20's-late 40's, which is a pretty normal to slightly overweight BMI. She constantly talked about wanting to lose weight, and successfull got down to 135ish on WW a couple of times, but she never had very healthy eating habits (she is a sugar/carboholic). At age 68, her weight has crept up to probably 150-160ish, so overweight but not obese, and she still talks about needing to lose weight on a regular basis. I was similar to her in that I was very thin (borderline underweight) until my mid-20's with no effort. Now that I'm mid-30's and have packed on some excess weight, I recognize some of the same behavior patterns she has regarding weight in myself. I try to nip that negative thinking/beating myself up in the bud, but it can be hard to do.