TTCAL check in

[HoneySpider]

How's everyone doing?

I don't think our 2nd loss has really sunk in yet. For 2+ years everything has been about the first loss and it's really strange now to think of it terms of 2...I kind of think it might not really hit me until we get to the EDD. I don't know.

It's almost like the pregnancy itself was a mirage, which is crazy since I was insanely sick and clearly pregnant, but for something to be one way one day and another the next is just so strange. With the first pregnancy we knew for about 2 months that something was wrong and this time everything happened so quickly. The last 2 months are such a blur it really does feel some days like it didn't even happen.

[ouokie]

I'm coming up on my EDD in less than a month. I was thinking about letting DD release a balloon since she knew about this pregnancy. The last 2 miscarriages I had she didn't know about because they ended so soon. I feel like I need to do something for those, but this last one was different since we actually all heard the heartbeat and saw it in the ultrasound.
Is that too morbid for a 6 year old to do? When I miscarried we did explain to her (in terms a 6 year old could understand) what happened and she will tell us sometimes that she misses the baby (que my heart breaking). So I was thinking that it might be nice to have a way to help her remember that brother or sister that she will never meet.

[Deleted]

I've got my good days and bad days. I feel still a little bit in limbo since my husbands genetic testing results haven't come in yet. My results were okay. I have a chromosome inversion which shouldn't cause problems, but it still scares me that it will.

We are allowed to start trying again once I get my next period, which should hopefully come in the next few days. I'm excited to start but terrified that this will happen again. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant and it sucks that I'm not one of them.

[HoneySpider]

ouokie I think including your DD would be a really nice way to honor the baby on your EDD.

[awick14]

ouokie- I think that is very sweet, and your daughter would love it.

Now that we are starting into the infertility side of things I am more nervous and scared that this will never happen for us. For so long is was all about staying pregnant and now I can't get pregnant. It's just sad.

On the positive side I feel like having gone through these losses has opened up a lot of people's eyes about losses and I have been able to advocate for couples that have had losses. And reach out and help people because of it.

[Mushe]

I feel numb to it at this point. My EDD from what I consider my loss already passed (12/25), and I tried to not get attached when I had my 5w CP, but the EDD was our anniversary in September. Ughhhh.

[HoneySpider]

awick14 I get what you're saying only in the reverse for me - for 2 years it was about not being able to get pregnant, then I did and miscarried. I never thought that was going to be a problem, I figured getting pregnant was the struggle. Now I feel like I have 2 things to worry about and try to work around.

[Deleted]

Hugs to all of you.

[raangoli]

ouokie - that sounds like a lovely idea to include your daughter.

I have lost count of cycles. We followed doctor's orders and waited 2-3 cycles, then life happened and now we're back. But I feel like my heart isn't in it - I have so much else on my mind that I wonder how I could handle a baby right now. But time is not on my side either, so we are giving it a go.

I went "public" about the loss on FB and shared a link to the kickstarter for Don't Talk About the Baby that TTH/HoneySpider had linked to a while ago. It was freeing in a way.

Hugs, ladies.

[HoneySpider]

raangoli I'm glad you found it freeing to go public...I know it helped me a lot after the first loss to finally "come clean" about what we went through. It's really helped me a lot to continue talking about it.

I'm really excited for the DTATB film, I hope they get their funding. It will be such an important film.

[raangoli]

HoneySpider - I was really bothered (and continue to be bothered) by the fact that it is something that happens but isn't talked about. I totally understand that it's an emotional topic since I didn't want to share for a very long time. But it was comforting for me to read about how other women felt how I felt and that while time passes, it doesn't erase the pain.

Now I feel like I am just babbling, but even that is helpful.

[SKP82]

We have our first appointment with a RE on Thursday. The office called last week to tell me that if the doc diagnoses us with infertility, we will have zero insurance coverage.

I explained that I have had multiple early losses and am having trouble staying pregnant, so the lady said an "infertility" diagnosis would be unlikely. So, I mean, I guess that is good?

But, what the fuck? NO coverage for blood work, office visits, etc. just because of that diagnosis being on a chart? I didn't realize that was an thing. I thought "no infertility coverage" meant your insurance wouldn't cover IUI or IVF, not that they wouldn't cover anything.

[SKP82]

I have a couple of friends who are due in September (when I would have been due if I hadn't had my first loss) and, while I truly am very happy for them, I feel so sad that I'm not experiencing what they are.

[loira]

Jul 7, 2015 10:22:11 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

raangoli I'm glad you found it freeing to go public...I know it helped me a lot after the first loss to finally "come clean" about what we went through. It's really helped me a lot to continue talking about it.

I'm really excited for the DTATB film, I hope they get their funding. It will be such an important film.

Can you post the link again for this? I'd like to find out more about it. H and I watched 'Return to Zero' last summer, which is an amazing film, but so heartbreaking and difficult to watch. It deals with stillbirth though, so it would be interesting to see a film that dealt with other stages of loss.

[HoneySpider]

Jul 8, 2015 13:42:02 GMT -5 loira said:

Jul 7, 2015 10:22:11 GMT -5 HoneySpider said:

raangoli I'm glad you found it freeing to go public...I know it helped me a lot after the first loss to finally "come clean" about what we went through. It's really helped me a lot to continue talking about it.

I'm really excited for the DTATB film, I hope they get their funding. It will be such an important film.

Can you post the link again for this? I'd like to find out more about it. H and I watched 'Return to Zero' last summer, which is an amazing film, but so heartbreaking and difficult to watch. It deals with stillbirth though, so it would be interesting to see a film that dealt with other stages of loss.

Their website is www.donttalkaboutthebaby.com/ and the link to their kickstarter video (which includes yours truly!) is 

[raangoli]

SKP82 - That's really disheartening about your insurance. And infuriating.

[traveljunkie13]

Can I join in? I've lurked but not been ready to jump in....

This is my third cycle trying after my d&c in March (lost baby at 8wks). I had a CP last month that rocked me emotionally more than I expected. I test next week and I don't honestly know what I want to see at this point. My first two babies I got pg the first cycle trying (same with my mc baby) and had picture perfect pregnancies. I feel like the universe is telling me to stop....an emotional game of Russian roulette. I just always pictured one more baby in our family....

It doesn't help that my EDD is nearing (early Oct) and I have 3 friends due within that week ?. I feel like I can make it through the day if another baby is on the way, but I'm scared and terrified of another mc or problem.

Only a few people know about my mc.....now that time has passed I wish more knew and I could talk it out but at the same time I can't deal with the weirdness some people get when you bring it up.

[HoneySpider]

Hi traveljunkie, I'm so sorry for your loss If it makes YOU feel better to talk about it more, than go for it. Some people are going to be weird/awkward but that's on THEM. Also, if we as a society start talking about it more, then people will become more educated and hopefully, less weirded out.

[awick14]

((traveljunkie)) I agree with HoneySpider, you have to do what is best for you!

[Deleted]

I feel the same way traveljunkie13. I don't know how to go about bringing it up but I hate going through it alone. Hugs to you.

[raangoli]

I'm so sorry traveljunkie13. I had only told close friends and family about our loss. It took me months - past my EDD - to open up about it. There is no expiration date for when you can bring it up or talk about it. Your losses will always be a part of you, something awful that you experienced.