nanny - would this bother you?

[CloudBee]

It's starting to bother me, and I want some guidance.

We have a nanny for the summer as the friend who watches DS is going to have a baby any day.

The new nanny has been awesome. DS even gets upset some days when it's time for her to leave. There's evidence throughout the house that they've been busy. She cleans up after herself, etc.

We installed a car seat in her car for the purpose of going to the library, out for lunch, etc. I asked that she either tell me the morning of (when she arrives) if she has plans to go anywhere. Then if anything comes up during the day to please shoot me a text as an FYI about where they are going.

Last week (her 2nd week with us?) she said she was going to take DS to her house to introduce him to her puppy. (We love dogs.) Sure. Come to find out her "puppy" is actually a small 1 year old dog. Whatever.

Monday of this week she said she was taking DS to her house again "to play with the puppy". I rolled my eyes in my head a little. Ok.

Fast forward to this morning, and she sends me a text saying DS (behind on speech, turned 2 in March) asked to go see the puppy. So they were going there for a while, then out for lunch.

I feel like allowing her to drive him around was a bonus. (She just graduated from college. Wanted a summer gig before finding a real job.) We give her spending money, which she uses. And now she's hanging out at her house for hours on end? Monday he was at her house from about 10am until 1:30pm. She offered that up. I did not ask for a play by play or specifics.

Part of why we hired her and didn't choose to throw him into daycare or an in-home center for the summer, was so he could benefit from being in our home.

I know her family fairly well, but I've never been in their home.

I do trust her judgment with our child around her dog. Not worried about that.

But I'm starting to feel funny about how she is leaving our toddler-friendly home with a fully stocked fridge, and spending money in her pocket for outings / lunch, to hang at her house. It's actually really annoying.

Can you give me some feedback? Either throw me on track, or give me guidance on how to ask her to please stick to using her car for outings, not to drive DS to her home?

FWIW, I was a nanny all through college and never would have brought a child to my own home. Not unless it were a one-off, like... to "meet" a puppy, once, and that's it.

ETA: This is night and day from the setup I have with the friend who has him. Usually he's with my best friend, in her home, around her kids, and running errands / going on outings with them. He's like one of her own kids when he's there. I don't care and often don't even know what they are up to. That's how I want it when he's with someone we consider family. Anything can fly with her, and I trust her 100%.

Having a nanny in our own home is completely new territory for me. While we "know" her, we've only ever had someone along the lines of family (best friend) have him for more than a few hours at a pop.

[Deleted]

"Hey, I'd prefer that you hang out here rather than at your house."

It's a reasonable thing to say, but it doesn't have to be a bigger deal than that. It sounds like she isn't a pro nanny, and has no intentions of being one. Tell her what you want her to do.

[Deleted]

Yes, it would bother me.
I nannied one summer when I was a teacher on summer break. The little girl was 18 months and I took her everywhere with me. I would go to my apartment 30 min away so she could play with the cat.
I would meet my now DH for lunch or at the park.

I would never be ok with that now, as a mother.

[meij]

It would bother me too. I would wonder what he's doing at her house. I would think it would be hard to entertain a new two year old for three hours at a home that doesn't have toys and stuff. I'd also worry about him getting into things. Who knows what they have laying around.

Does she need to go let the dog out our something?

I nannied for four families and none of the kids were ever at my house. (Well except the family I lived in for lol). One family I worked 6:45-6:45 and I would sneak off to my house sometimes when the kids were in school to get stuff done because I didn't get home until almost 7:30. But I never wanted the kids at my house.

You could tell her library or playground outings only and you'd rather him not be at her house.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:25:18 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I agree with @tokenhoser in terms of how to address it. But I'm wondering why there is so much extra information in here. Like his speech? And what "benefit" does he get from being at your house? The toddler proofing?

I think she is bugging you for other reasons and you can't articulate it and are looking for things. But of course you have every right to ask that he stay at your house more and only go to kid-friendly places.

Because I don't believe that he asked to see the dog. I think he may have seen a dog in a book or on TV, pointed and said "woof woof", and she was all "ohhh, want to see my dog again today?" And he said yeah or shook his head.

There's not a chance he's asking to see the dog. He can hardly ask for milk.

Oh - the benefit of being in our house? Similar to what the poster said above. I think it's easier / safer for him to be in our home. I don't know the layout of theirs. I don't drop him off for playdates, and won't without seeing the inside of someone's home. This is along the same lines. 

[meij]

Jul 9, 2015 14:25:18 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

I agree with @tokenhoser in terms of how to address it. But I'm wondering why there is so much extra information in here. Like his speech? And what "benefit" does he get from being at your house? The toddler proofing?

I think she is bugging you for other reasons and you can't articulate it and are looking for things. But of course you have every right to ask that he stay at your house more and only go to kid-friendly places.

I assume she mentioned his speech because she thinks it would he unlikely he'd be able to communicate with her he wanted to go see her dog.

[lmb5109]

Yeah, I wouldn't like him somewhere else from 10-1:30, especially like you said a non-toddler proofed house. Where did he nap? What did he eat? Did she pack diapers and stuff he may need?

[cjeanette]

I wouldn't be bothered by this. Since you are I think you can just tell her that you would prefer he spend more time at home and that there is food there for meals.

[jeaniebueller]

I would find that annoying. You hired her to watch him at your house, not at her house. If she needs to run home and let her dog out and spend 20 minutes there, that is one thing. She is not meeting your expectations and that is fine for you to bring that up and ask her not to spend so much time there.

[thebreakfastclub]

Did you lay out the expectations of how the days would go when she was hired?

Maybe not every minute, but something to the effect of saying that 2 days at week would primarily be at home, and the library has story time every Tuesday at 9am, and can you do the zoo every other week?

On one hand, you like her, but on the other hand, you don't seem to trust the situation. Maybe she was talking about the dog the next day, and your son got excited, so that's what she considered asking to see the dog.

ETA: and I would give spending money tied to specific events, not just a per diem.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:30:09 GMT -5 lmb5109 said:

Yeah, I wouldn't like him somewhere else from 10-1:30, especially like you said a non-toddler proofed house. Where did he nap? What did he eat? Did she pack diapers and stuff he may need?

Breakfast at our house, lunch at her house (peanut butter sandwich), and back juuust in time for a nap at our house. No clue on what she packed for him, but I assume she took supplies like diapers.

I don't know if she packed at lunch for him (our food) to take there, or what. I didn't want to pick things apart too much and make her uncomfortable those first few times. I just asked how their day was and listened.

[Deleted]

I would be okay with seeing the dog if it was on a quick stop by on the way to/from somewhere else. Or even once a week.

As in "Hey. We went to the park this morning. DS was excited to see the puppy so we're going to stop by home for 10 minutes!"

I would be bothered by what you describe though. If I had a nanny it was so my kid could be in my own house do their own thing. If I was giving my nanny spending money I would expect it to be spent on things beneficial to my child as well (and I use beneficial loosely. Even if it's out for ice cream whatever).

I feel like nanny is bored/lonely at your house and has things to do in hers and she's taking advantage of that time?

And as for the trust issue. I trust the people in charge of my kids anywhere/anytime, so I sort of agree you're looking for things there.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:31:44 GMT -5 swizz said:

Jul 9, 2015 14:25:18 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

This. I think you're just BEC with her. I know you've mentioned other small annoyances and I get it, but none of these would bother me. I see very little benefit to my kid staying inside the house though. If you're okay with her driving him places, I would 100% encourage them to get out of the house daily.

I do. Today I suggested Five Guys and left money for them to go out for lunch. I want her to take him out and do things. But if she's just going to sit on the couch and chill, I want her to do that at our home, not her own. KWIM?

My other annoyance in a randoms thread about the k-cups this week was not in line with this at all.

[Susie]

Yeah, I'd be annoyed. I mean, I'd like to leave work in the middle of the day and go hang out with my dogs, but I'm being paid to work, and be at work, so I don't. I think it's totally reasonable to say that although you ok'ed it once, you're not ok with it as a habitual thing, and would she please stick to a list of places (if you have one, or at least a list of examples) when taking DS out of the house.

I'd also raise the issue sooner rather than later so it doesn't keep gnawing at you in the meantime and turn into a bigger thing than it needs to be.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:32:06 GMT -5 thebreakfastclub said:

Did you lay out the expectations of how the days would go when she was hired?

Maybe not every minute, but something to the effect of saying that 2 days at week would primarily be at home, and the library has story time every Tuesday at 9am, and can you do the zoo every other week?

On one hand, you like her, but on the other hand, you don't seem to trust the situation. Maybe she was talking about the dog the next day, and your son got excited, so that's what she considered asking to see the dog.

ETA: and I would give spending money tied to specific events, not just a per diem.

I gave him a general idea of his schedule, told her not to stress if she finds timeframes that work better for "them". (When they do meals, nap, etc.)

Told her I was comfortable with local driving (our town and the one neighboring which we are on the border of) for activities. Listed off beach, children's museum (membership), lunch, park. Along those lines.

I would have absolutely no problem with her swinging by to let her young'ish dog out to pee. It's staying at her house for hours that has me feeling funny.

[SJ]

In general, this wouldn't bother me. But that doesn't matter. If it bothers you, you should absolutely say something to her.

I still want more information.

Is anyone else at her house when she takes him there? Or is it just the two of them? Do you think she feels she "needs" to check in on the puppy? Anything else going on?

Personally, I would prefer my kid to be out and about, especially in the summer, so driving him to me is a perk. Although, I'd rather the park/library/activities over just sitting around at her house, but it's still unclear to me what they are doing there.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:35:08 GMT -5 Susie said:

I'd also raise the issue sooner rather than later so it doesn't keep gnawing at you in the meantime and turn into a bigger thing than it needs to be.

Thanks. I really, really like her. This is the first true thing that has given me some pause. I don't want it to eat away at me, so you have a good suggestion.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:37:32 GMT -5 SJ said:

In general, this wouldn't bother me. But that doesn't matter. If it bothers you, you should absolutely say something to her.

I still want more information.

Is anyone else at her house when she takes him there? Or is it just the two of them? Do you think she feels she "needs" to check in on the puppy? Anything else going on?

Personally, I would prefer my kid to be out and about, especially in the summer, so driving him to me is a perk. Although, I'd rather the park/library/activities over just sitting around at her house, but it's still unclear to me what they are doing there.

No clue. I believe both of her parents (who work FT) work traditional hours.

Her brother just got a new job, but I don't know if he started yet. (They both just graduated from college.)

I do prefer that she take DS and do things with him. We live within walking distance of quite a bit. A little petting zoo type place, ice cream counter, Starbucks, dairy store with animatronics, etc. And there are a ton of kid-friendly things to do in our town. Splash pad, aquarium, children's museum, libraries, parks.

I guess I would need to probe her more, to find out why she is content to have him at her house for so many hours vs. at ours, or out DOING THIGNS. But I haven't wanted to probe, because I do believe she is very good with him.

I mean - should I ask her what they do there? Or just follow my gut and politely ask that she stick to actual outings?

[jeaniebueller]

Also, I doubt that the OP has been in her house or seen it. No, I wouldn't be okay with my 2 year old spending large amounts of time in a house I am unfamiliar with. I don't see that the OP is being BEC, and you all know that I am usually erring on the side of breezy. But in this situation? No.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:39:55 GMT -5 @littlemoxie said:

Something else that stood out to me - going out for lunch is OK, so it's not like the only activities you OK'ed are educational in nature, or even necessarily kid friendly. I think you need to give her way more direction with what you want her to do.

ETA: And the beach is OK?  That would make me WAY more nervous than a house of which I don't know the layout.

You have every right to feel however you want.  I just think there is something more there, because this doesn't add up to me.

Our beach has no waves. She's not the type to park a beach chair and lay out in the sun.

I know a trip to the beach for them = splashing at the edge for a few minutes (if that), walking on the pier, and visiting the playground / splash pad.

Maybe growing up on the beach is what has me sitting on another bench with this one? The beach doesn't scream danger to me. It's a place where the community goes to hang out. More people utilize the parks and land-based activities at our local beach, than swimming in the water.

[karinothing]

I think it would annoy me that they just sit around the house (your hours or hers) in general. But if I didn't care about sitting around the house, then I am not sure it would matter me either way.

I think it is better for him to be going out and doing stuff. Maybe sign them up for some class?

[CloudBee]

Some of the activities I have suggested and she has done:
- take him to Toys R Us with a $20 to blow on a rainy day
- Barns and Noble with $20 to spend on a book, toy, and / or treat at the Starbucks nook there
- $ for ice cream
- $ for lunch
- park
- beach (playground is what they do here)
- walk through the neighborhood

She can do pretty much whatever she wants when she goes out with him. I just didn't tell her in advance that going to her home wasn't in line with that. It never occurred to me, and would have honestly been an awkward thing to suggest. (Because it seems like one would typically not do such.)

[cincodemayo]

Yes, I'm on your side here. I think it's weird for her to go there so often and for such a long time period. Checking up on the puppy or visiting once in a while would be ok, but I would prefer they get out of the house and go to the library or splash park or something.

[thebreakfastclub]

It sounds like she has a big list of things that she could do, but not the expectation of what she should do day in, day out.

I like karinothing 's suggestion of a class, or at the very least, they need to go to the library for toddler story time once a week. I think setting expectations will help give some structure to the week.

[CloudBee]

Jul 9, 2015 14:49:24 GMT -5 swizz said:

Jul 9, 2015 14:34:22 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

...

... You can't expect her to read your mind.

Obviously. Which is why I'm here asking for suggestions on how to approach.

[thebreakfastclub]

Jul 9, 2015 14:35:08 GMT -5 Susie said:

Yeah, I'd be annoyed. I mean, I'd like to leave work in the middle of the day and go hang out with my dogs, but I'm being paid to work, and be at work, so I don't. I think it's totally reasonable to say that although you ok'ed it once, you're not ok with it as a habitual thing, and would she please stick to a list of places (if you have one, or at least a list of examples) when taking DS out of the house.

I'd also raise the issue sooner rather than later so it doesn't keep gnawing at you in the meantime and turn into a bigger thing than it needs to be.

I can see how the nanny would think that taking the boy to see her dog is a great activity, though.  My son is the same age as OP's boy, and he adores dogs and would be beyond thrilled with the idea of playing with a dog for a couple of hours.  He would beg to see the dog every single day.

In her mind, it's not really different than doing a petting zoo, and it's easier, since it's her house...hence the need to say that it's not OK.  

[CloudBee]

Thanks, all.

I will chat with her tonight, or the morning we're back from vacation and give her a list of things to do. (Including "please stick to our house or activities, vs. your house.)

[CloudBee]

FWIW: We have our very own dog.

[curbsideprophet]

Not sure what waves have to do with it. A large body of water is still a drowning risk to an unattended toddler.

[Deleted]

Not really but if t bothers you, you should say something. Don't feel bad about asking your nanny to watch your kid in your own home. Like you said, that's kind of the point of the whole thing