S/O taking time for yourself

[farfalla2011]

How do you not feel guilty prioritizing me time when you have so many other obligations in your life? Also, how do you get your spouse to understand that wanting me time has no correlation to the value you put on your time together, it's more of a core need in order to be mentally happy and better equipped to give him the best you?

*deleted the backstory. I know it was nothing real specific, but I don't want it all hanging out there. I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone! 

Wow, sorry that turned very long. I know it's not fully H&F related, but right now my "me" time is focusing on getting back in shape and being healthy.

[cinco]

DH sees what I'm like when I don't exercise and it isn't a pretty sight. I think that helps Other than that, I mostly get up really early so my running doesn't impact family life. 1 or 2 times a week I run with a group or race. It is social for me and it makes me happy. If DH didn't support that, I'd be pretty pissed. He swims masters and runs too, so he totally gets it. If your SO isn't interested in H&F endeavors, maybe you could encourage another hobby for him.

[joenali]

When I trained for IM, I have do my training schedule and we talked about it before I started. It was no surprise when I went on a 5 hour bike ride on Sunday. So I think talking over your schedule might help in this situation.

[farfalla2011]

So, his fitness is part of the issue I think. I generally call him my freak of nature (in the nicest way possible) because he is one of those people that is naturally fit and doesn't take much effort to maintain it. It helps because he's on his feet all day while I sit in an office chair.

Meeting up with friends has been and is planned to continue around 7 in the morning on the weekends, so not impacting anything family wise. He's a wake up slow kind of person and I'm a get up and go kind of person. I think part of the issue is he's jealous that I'm prioritizing myself and he feels like he's not able to because of his schedule and he ultimately needs that time as well.

[Wines Not Whines]

I'm an introvert, too, so I understand wanting to have alone time. I try to time my "me time" so it has a minimal impact on my family. For example, I tend to get up very early and work out in the morning, even on weekends, so it's not cutting into the time we'd spend doing family activities. IMO getting together with friends once a week for a ride is not unreasonable, but I don't know the details - is this like a 1-2 hour expedition or does it take all day? What about the timing of when you go to the gym -- is he annoyed for a specific reason, like does it delay dinner by an hour and he's hungry? Or does he just not think you should get any time at all to yourself?

ETA: I saw your second post. If you're going out at 7 am on a weekend while he's still in bed, I don't understand his problem at all.

[ktzmoh]

DH and I have been together for almost 20 years and we've worked through lots of stuff over the years. What is most important for us is communication. We tell each other what we need, we give each other positive feedback, and we communicate about communicating (if that makes sense). We talk about relationships failing and we talk about how much we don't want our relationship to fail and we check in with each other often about whether we are feeling neglected or 'off' in any way.

He knows why I work out, why it's important to me, and I make sure to communicate how grateful and appreciative I am for his support on it. And I get what I give, so I try to minimize the time toll my working out takes on our family life. I also make time for him too and I respond when he tells me that he needs something - whether that's something from/with me or away from me. Also, when I notice something is off with him, I make sure to prioritize that if he is not prioritizing it. So for example last year when he was really miserable in a job, I forced a sit down and made sure he knew that his mental health was of utmost priority and together we made a plan. It sounds like your H might have some issues he's projecting onto you, so I would sit down with him and try to address what he's feeling with work. Make sure he knows that you see this and you think it's important to address together.

Relationships are hard and they need constant work. Hope you guys can navigate through this!

[farfalla2011]

Jul 28, 2015 11:20:01 GMT -5 joenali said:

When I trained for IM, I have do my training schedule and we talked about it before I started. It was no surprise when I went on a 5 hour bike ride on Sunday. So I think talking over your schedule might help in this situation.

This is a good point. I need to finalize what my schedule will be for this upcoming ride in September - incorporating these other activities - and hopefully get his buy in.

[farfalla2011]

ktzmoh thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. You have lots of good stuff in there. Thankfully we have a good relationship other than this and I know this is just growing pains. We've had a rough year and we are both just really spent.

[bostonmichelle]

I map out all my runs on the family calendar so DH can see when I have runs and such. I generally go to running club stuff on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and once on the weekend so I talk to DH to see what else is going on and I change up my routine sometimes. He also knows that there is a social aspect to my running and I try to minimize my runs the rest of the time by getting up early or going when he is doing something else like school work.

[emilyj]

I know his schedule sucks, but if he got you in to biking, does he still bike? Could you do a ride on the weekend together? It may be worth sacrificing one ride by yourself to spend that time with him.

Other than that, can you schedule a weekly date night, where you have a standing date to go to dinner, leave the phones behind, and just spend time with each other?

[taratru]

Honestly? My initial impression is that he's got insecurity/jealousy/bitterness issues that have nothing to do with you. But it's far easier to just guilt you into giving up what you love than for him to face whatever he's got going on. I could be wrong. Regardless, nothing will change unless you get to the root of what is bothering him and find a compromise.

I'm lucky in that I have a DH who just understands that the time I spend doing my thing has nothing to do with him. And I feel the same way toward his stuff. But this is something we have decided to make a priority - supporting each other and having lives outside of each other. We are also very good at recognizing when we need time together and making that happen. But we've been doing this for 12 years, and we communicate all the time about it.

eta: In answer to your question about not feeling guilt about obligations - I just choose not to feel guilty.  Why should I feel guilty? Everyone knows this is a priority for me.  I choose this, not guilt.

[farfalla2011]

Jul 28, 2015 11:54:36 GMT -5 emilyj said:

I know his schedule sucks, but if he got you in to biking, does he still bike? Could you do a ride on the weekend together? It may be worth sacrificing one ride by yourself to spend that time with him.

Other than that, can you schedule a weekly date night, where you have a standing date to go to dinner, leave the phones behind, and just spend time with each other?

We do ride on the weekends - usually longer rides - when he doesn't have his kids. But he doesn't ride near as much as he would like.

We definitely need to prioritize date nights more often - disconnected. It'd be good for both of us.

[katinthehat]

Can he go with you? I know you need the alone time, but maybe one ride a week together would be a good compromise.

[katinthehat]

Also, I don't know how much you ride during the week and how long they are, but maybe try trading one outdoor ride for a trainer ride. For my husband and I, biking takes so long because there's loading up the car, driving to where we ride, unloading, doing the ride, blah blah blah. Where as a trainer ride, I can log the same amount of time on the trainer but cut the whole workout time an hour short because the bike just stays on the trainer.

[ktzmoh]

Jul 28, 2015 11:44:35 GMT -5 farfalla2011 said:

ktzmoh thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it. You have lots of good stuff in there. Thankfully we have a good relationship other than this and I know this is just growing pains. We've had a rough year and we are both just really spent.

I totally get this - we had a couple of rough years and it took a toll on both of us individually and as a couple. But if you can navigate this and come through it, you'll be stronger for it. Good luck to you guys!

[gt7301b]

So DH and I are both runners, which certainly helps us to understand each other's training schedules. We don't actually run together 90% of the time, but we will go to the trail together and he'll play on his phone while I finish up.

Honestly, it sounds like your husband needs a hobby of his own. I think it is important for both spouses to have their own interests outside of their relationship.

[jordylee]

I used to feel a similar way... I felt guilty for taking time for myself when it could be spent together, especially since we both had really stressful jobs. DH never did anything to make me feel that way, but I still sensed it. I know this isn't really feasible for everyone, but it's worth taking a good hard look at your jobs and whether its worth it. We both switched to less stressful jobs making slightly less money, but are ultimately SO much happier. No more crazy long days, no more being exhausted and snappy, no more lounging around on the couch all weekend because its the only thing we could gather up the energy for.

DH knows my training schedule and I do my best to get up and out the door at a reasonably early time on the weekend so we can have brunch together after. Sometimes he tags along with me on his bike while I run, which is really nice. As a compromise, I try to limit myself to one marathon per year (last year was two, but usually only one).

[farfalla2011]

Jul 28, 2015 12:04:01 GMT -5 katinthehat said:

Also, I don't know how much you ride during the week and how long they are, but maybe try trading one outdoor ride for a trainer ride. For my husband and I, biking takes so long because there's loading up the car, driving to where we ride, unloading, doing the ride, blah blah blah. Where as a trainer ride, I can log the same amount of time on the trainer but cut the whole workout time an hour short because the bike just stays on the trainer.

Thankfully during the week we/I go straight from the house, so it only takes about an hour or so of the evening. If he's home, he goes with me on these rides.

We rarely drive anywhere during the week, there are just not enough hours in the day.

[sitnspin]

I am not going to give you great advise or insight due to our situation, but everyone deserves "me time", no matter what the circumstance, IMHO.

We are together almost 24/7, but at least once a week I do my own thing.  Either alone or with friends and as long as I mention it (to make sure he didn't make plans for the two of us), it is never an issue.

[farfalla2011]

Jul 28, 2015 12:12:14 GMT -5 jordylee said:

I used to feel a similar way... I felt guilty for taking time for myself when it could be spent together, especially since we both had really stressful jobs. DH never did anything to make me feel that way, but I still sensed it. I know this isn't really feasible for everyone, but it's worth taking a good hard look at your jobs and whether its worth it. We both switched to less stressful jobs making slightly less money, but are ultimately SO much happier. No more crazy long days, no more being exhausted and snappy, no more lounging around on the couch all weekend because its the only thing we could gather up the energy for.

It's really good to hear someone on the other side of crazy jobs. I'm currently seeking - have a phone interview Thursday woohoo - there are options for him, but it's definitely worth a deeper look for him.

We work at the same place (not a good idea) and a couple months ago things went from crazy to insane.

[wambam]

My H and I have had fights where he believes that working out is more important than anything else to me. There's probably a nugget of proof to that, but I also think it's an unfair statement. He usually concedes that it's unfair.

I don't know how to fix this, but I just wanted to comment and let you know you're not the only couple having this argument.

[arch01]

Jul 28, 2015 12:26:19 GMT -5 wambam said:

My H and I have had fights where he believes that working out is more important than anything else to me. There's probably a nugget of proof to that, but I also think it's an unfair statement. He usually concedes that it's unfair.

I don't know how to fix this, but I just wanted to comment and let you know you're not the only couple having this argument.

We've definitely been in this boat too. It has taken a bit for us to be on the same page regarding my working out-but ultimately, he knows that I need my time alone, even if it's just 30 minutes. After having DS the arguments over this escalated but I think we finally agreed that both of us have things that we really value and need to do for ourselves-so it's not always just about other people. I have agreed to make sure my long runs are early enough so I'm home to get DS out of bed, which is no problem because I enjoy the early morning anyway. Shorter runs it doesn't matter when I go, we both agree to that as well.

[farfalla2011]

taratru - there is definitely some truth to what you are saying about jealousy/bitterness. And if I'm totally honest, there is on my side as well for completely different reasons. Sorry - that's vague, but don't want to get into those details right now.

As far as guilt, I feel guilty leading up to going (not always, but sometimes) - but I go anyway. I absolutely enjoy myself and don't feel guilty afterwards. I'm a people pleaser and I'm still learning how to take care of me.

All, thank you so much for your comments and insight. We've been talking through all this for a few weeks and will continue to do so. I know we'll come to common ground eventually. I'll definitely be using many of the suggestions you ladies have made as well.

[venice2007]

Huge hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you can talk with your h and both find happy common ground!
Xo

[mrshandy]

You guys just need to find a balance. He needs to find something to be passionate about outside of work.

You guys need to find something to be passionate about together.

[SallyJ]

My DH and I always remind each other that we were individuals before getting married and we continue to be individuals in our marriage. It takes each of us being who we are, doing what we love, having time for ourselves in order to bring something to the relationship. We respect and admire that about each other. On the flip side we see relationship time equally important to individual time. We go on dates about once a week just like we each have our own thing to do once a week. This has become even more important as we've become parents and now have to also make family time and one on one time with each of our children.

Find your balance. Perhaps trading out demanding jobs is the answer, not giving up hobbies and fitness that make you happy.

[Deleted]

My DH and I both travel for work a lot and are ships passing in the night, but even so, I do not feel guilty for 'me' time. Running and cycling makes me look amazing, healthier and more positive to be around when he does see me. I don't share my training schedule, but he generally knows that I do a long run on the weekends and to expect me to be gone for 2 hours. He is free to do whatever he wants at all times. Recently he cycled coast to coast (England, it's not that wide, took 3 days) so I grabbed a flight to Ireland and did a half marathon.

I'm sorry he's giving you a hard time. Stand firm, spell out why you want/need the me time and what you get out of it. He can't deny you the benefits of what you do if they are positive.

[kams]

I'm sorry this is a challenge for you, because it is so important to have that time for yourself, and if you feel guilty, it sort of negates most of the benefits.

Im fortunate in that my H is extremely supportive of fitness, being that it's his career, but he also just really enjoys seeing me do things I love. That doesn't, however, mean we don't make concessions to make life easier on our family unit. So, for example, I did an ironman last year, & we had a 3 year old. So, 4 workouts/week were completed before either of them woke up. My long run, I had a care provider for and then did it while he was at work, and then my long ride would start at sunrise so that I could be home for most of the day. My victory was getting my training in with minimal disturbance to anyone else. Now, when our kids are more self-sufficient, I probably won't need to go to the same extremes, but my point is that we do what it takes to give each other what we need with minimal impact to the family as a whole. And, that helped minimize my guilt.

I will say that I don't think anyone should HAVE to do the things they like at inconvenient times just so it doesn't disturb others, but my husband is so busy and travels so much, that it was important to me personally to not sacrifice our family time.

[itsme]

I have been in the same position and am still getting used to this new situation where my husband is supportive of my H&F goals.

For us it was jealousy on his part. I found something I loved that gave me "me" time while he was struggling to find a hobby for himself. I encouraged him to take up his old hobby and since he has things have gotten much better. I would feel guilty (sometimes still do) but learned that I needed to do something for myself and he needed to find something he enjoyed. If he couldn't then there was nothing I could do but keep encouraging him to get out.

It took some time for him to warm up and he is actually now very supportive. This weekend he came along with me and hung out while I did a trail run with friends. Even before, when this was a shaky issue, I had a set H&F schedule. I workout right after work 3x/wk and once on the weekend. DH watches our toddler during those times. It's become a routine we both know.

I started racing recently and he sees how much I enjoy it so he's been really supportive about it. I don't know exactly what changed for him but I know when we discussed it I made sure he knew how important this was for me.

I really think he needs to find a hobby and take time for himself and you should encourage it. I had to tell my DH that his jealousy of me going out and doing things was something he needed to work on and something he had control over because he is the one who chose not to go out and do things for himself.

[niq]

Have a kid. It will make your H understand the need for me time.

Though, this may have ... other consequences.