Confession: I've been getting angry lately

[sonrisa]

A switch flipped in me since kids and I have more trouble with feeling angry. I try to keep in under wraps, but I'm having more and more trouble with it. Lately, I find myself yelling at the kids.

Any one else have this happen? Where you able to get things back to calm? 

What do you do to manage anger?

[Deleted]

I try to find the source of my anger.



I typically get angry when I feel overwhelmed or things are spiraling out of control.

So I focus on that thing and out my aggression towards finding a solution.


I also like to exercise when I find myself angry all of the time.

[Dezi]

I felt this way for about a year before I sought help from my Doctor. I felt so guilty because I was lashing out at my kids for the tiniest things. I went on a mild dosage of Anti-depressants and Anti-anxiety meds. The only time it happens now is when I forget to take them. I feel so much better and it has greatly improved our whole family dynamic.

[1confused1]

This happens to me when I am stressed. I usually put myself in a timeout in my room to regroup.

[snipsnsnails]

(((Hugs)))

Motherhood is hard. So very hard. There are super terrific highs and impossibly difficult lows.

I rely on a ton of help, meditation/prayer and the never ending refrain of the years go fast and the days pass in slow motion.

[shamrockshake]

I have such a hard time with this, DH and I are both really working on this right now. My short fuse is usually when one of them is flipping their shit about something, and with 4, someone is always in tears. Someone once posted on here that when they're kid is flipping out they ask them if they need a hug and holy shit, the amount of times that works is amazing, so I usually try and take a nice deep breath and say you seem sad, do you need a hug? that usually gets them out of their funk and therefore me out of mine

[rex]

yes! i have finally realized when i don't get alone time i become a beast. also when my husband continuously leaves his shit everywhere.

so he's picking up his shit and i have scheduled alone time. we finally had a ctj talk on friday and this weekend was the best weekend we have had since L was born. i am hoping this continues.

[Ohhmm(bligo)]

Suddenly realize that I haven't been taking my Prozac as scheduled.

After the heavens and cosmos yell OH!!!!! down at me, I sit down with the kids when it is calm and apologize for being a hosebeast, then we make an action plan for how we're all going to reconnect and start running things smoothly again.

I find the re-set talk seems to do wonders for all of us.

[mom2twoboys]

I do this sometimes and I feel horrible about it. With Carter's adhd I can definitely feel myself get angry when he can't sit still and such. I try to find a quiet place to take some deep breaths and realize they are kids and they are not going to be perfect. It is hard sometimes though when they are tag teaming me all day.

I hope you can find a tactic that works for you. Kids are hard!

[Deleted]

First you realize it and want to work on it so kudos. Second everyone yells. so you are not alone. We have all yelled at our kids and felt like shit I promise you that.
What I do is that I apologize. I am honest with them. "Mommy is sorry she yelled that wasn't the right way to handle it. I was just frustrated because this this and this (or whatever) but I shouldn't have yelled. That doesn't mean mommy shouldn't get upset. You should have been listening to me so lets both work on that okay.. You work on listening and I will work on keeping my voice down".

that worked when my oldest were littler. Now that the older two are 8 and 10 they test me more. So now my approach with them is:

"Okay guys, do you want me to yell? because if I have to ask you one more time to...(insert whatever here) then I am going to yell. Just do it the first time I ask" and that gets them back on point. They hate when I yell.

With Leo I just have to look at him and he is like "oh shit" lol

[Deleted]

Also they put me on ADs but long story really short it turns out it was my thyroid the whole time which was why the mood swings. So the ADs did very little other then make me really tired.

Now that my hasi's is somewhat controlled my anger is waaay less

[orangeblossom]

I don't have kids, but I was really angry a lot. I was just not myself and almost vibration with tension. It was anxiety-related.

Meds help.

Hope you're able to find some peace and calm soon.

[hopecounts]

Given the timing I'd get a full physical to rule out thyroid or any other physical issues causing it.
Then speak with a therapist/psych anger can be a manifestation of depression and/or anxiety and if that's the cause then it's fairly straight forward to treat it.
If it is anger issues therapy can help you find better coping strategies.

[frkls]

my depression manifests as anger like 80% of the time

[crispnclean]

Jul 28, 2015 12:45:10 GMT -5 frkls said:

my depression manifests as anger like 80% of the time

This.

[sonrisa]

Thank you. It helps to know that people on here I think of as great moms also struggle with this. I like a lot of these suggestions. Exercise, looking for causes I can address, taking time outs, meditation, asking DD "do you need a hug?"

Part of why I stay at home is that I didn't want to bring my work stress home to the kids. I'm sure I'd be worse if I was working. Here I am, focusing on play time snacks and sharing, but I still having trouble feeling calm.

[namasteak]

Being quick to anger is one of my symptoms of depression. If the usual things (exercise, deep breathing, taking time for myself) don't work then I look at the other things that usually mean I'm a bit depressed and work on it.

[sonrisa]

Jul 28, 2015 12:41:30 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

 I was just not myself and almost vibrat[ing] with tension. 

That feeling. I hate it.

[AHappierHour]

Summer and being home all day with the kids is the worst time for me. I think I need the routine as much as they do. Plus I don't ever have down time.

[jinkies]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I have also found myself much angrier since having kids. Like, I can think of 3 times in the 30 years before kids that I ever raised my voice, now it's a frequent thing.

Part of it was absolutely depression, and things definitely improved when I went on ADs.

Part of it is the loss of control.

Part of it is my introversion. I need a LOT of quiet downtime to feel like myself, and all of the sudden I was never, ever alone. It was a really hard adjustment for me. (and still is, and my oldest is 7).

[scottyderp]

I don't have kids, but I manage anger with intense exercise, and a healthy diet. 

[speckledfrog]

I've been really struggling with this lately and I've noticed it affecting my kids. It blows. It's been consuming a lot of my thoughts lately, so forgive the big, jumbled mess below.

I'm trying to get more sleep because the 6 or so hours I'm getting now is not giving me enough of a stable base to work with.

I'm also trying to do a lot of reflection. The kind of mom I want to be (like, really want to be, not Pinterest/FB want to be), why this is happening, what types situations exacerbate things, how my upbringing plays into things, how my personality/my kids' personalities can work for/against it, how much structure my kids and I want/need, what makes a good day, how I can meet my need so I can meet their needs, and so on and so on. It might sound crazy, but I think it helps me go from "I don't know what my problem is. I can't help myself!" to "I have some control in this situation."

Lately I have been removing myself from the situation when I can. Usually this is mid-scream and I either I cover my face with my hands and breathe a bit or leave the room. I try to calm myself and then try again. I also try to watch the tone of my voice. Some days I'm just in a bad head space, fighting battles in my mind that aren't even a reality and it just puts me closer to the brink of snapping, so I try to recognize that and stop.

Today, at lunch, I realized that I need to start setting aside our lunch the night before. Not being able to get stuff done when I want/need to is a big trigger for me (I just want to fucking eeeeaaaaattttt) so although I don't want to take time at night to do it, I think it will help me more during the day when the kids are actually up and being affected by my actions.

I'm sorry you are struggling with it. I've been surprised and comforted to know that so many other moms have been there, too. I hope you find your balance.

[stellas]

My current method is throwing them both in school full time (paying extra for dd to go all day) and getting a part time job. I feel guilty, but I just can't Mom 24/7 anymore. I'm burnt out.

[fryjack2]

I've been having a hard time lately with this as well. The boys are so energetic and so active and do.not.listen. I was yelling a lot.

I try to remember that they are three. They are acting like three year olds. With a built in best friend.

I have been trying to change my reaction from anger and frustration to not giving a shit or silliness. You threw your train? Okay. It goes in the box for a week. No further discussion or response. You won't stop kicking me with a diaper change? Fine. Go hang out in shit until you are ready to cooperate. You won't get in the stroller? I'll do a silly dance and distract you instead of yelling to get in the stroller NOW!!!!

I can't say that I don't yell or want to walk out a lot, but sometimes the above helps.

Running also helps me. It sucks waking up at 5:30 to do it, but it helps.

[fortnightlily]

Jul 28, 2015 12:32:45 GMT -5 rex said:

yes! i have finally realized when i don't get alone time i become a beast. also when my husband continuously leaves his shit everywhere.

so he's picking up his shit and i have scheduled alone time. we finally had a ctj talk on friday and this weekend was the best weekend we have had since L was born. i am hoping this continues.

This was a recent realization of mine too.  The longer I go without some solitude and quiet and feeling that I get to focus on myself (i.e. no, being alone while I do the dishes is not sufficient), the shorter and shorter my fuse becomes.

[janetplanet20]

I've always been very quick to anger and easily blow up. I hate it. I decided it was time to get help and I joined an anger management group through my health insurance and will be doing individual counseling as well. I'm really embarrassed to admit that I'm going to be in anger management, but at the same time I'm relieved that I'm finally going to start learning how to deal with it.

[sequins]

I remove myself from the situation. And try to take a deep breath before I respond to anything that pisses me off.

[malibu]

Jul 28, 2015 12:33:45 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Me too, but I've always had a short fuse. Antidepressants help some. Not as much as i'd like.

Yep, me too.

[snipsnsnails]

I know it sounds crunchy, but V has been in a Reggio Emilia school for the past two years and one of their number one "rules" is Don't Hurry the Child. I can't abide by that all the time-there are times we have to be on time, but before that, I realized how much I was just trying to hurry through everything. Snapping at everyone that we had to hurry up, don't touch that, we don't have time for that, etc. Once I learned to intentionally take our time, a lot of my self-imposed stress went away.

Oh, you want to take 15 minutes to roll down the hill 18 times? Awesome. I'll laugh and join in. Rather than shouting we have to get in the car.

[DotAndBuzz]

Parenting is so hard, and exhausting. And while I can't speak to the challenges of balancing working full time with all the parenting stuff, I can say that staying at home often feels like a bizarre combination of mind numbing monotony and complete chaos, with a side of social isolation (even if you do get out and do things with the kids). When they're little, it is so SO hard, and I have had periods when I was just angry all.the.time. To the point where my kids point it out, or I hear them tell each other "no, don't do that or mommy will be even more angry than she already is," about something completely mundane, like getting play doh on the kitchen floor. That's always awesome to hear from your kid.

I find I have to force a reset for myself. I'll give myself a time out and put on a show for them while I chill in my room for 20 minutes. I am also naturally a hurried person, and I try to let the slowest kid set the pace when we can.

Taking my anger to the next level of giving no fucks at all helps too, actually. Sounds backwards, but for example, when I stop trying to get a kid to sleep by a particular time, and just say, yep, they're up at 10 pm being angry isn't going to make them sleep, tomorrow morning is going to suck, OH WELL! - It kind of helps.

Also (this is getting long, sorry!), whining sets me off. For my kids, validating what they're whining about helps immensely. "Yes, I know you think it isn't fair that you didn't get 85 Popsicles for lunch, Hugs!" That seems to cut short the whining, and decrease the probability that I'll explode because I heard about the stupid Popsicle all day.

Obviously none of this works all the time. I still have times when I just yell. It's hard. Hang in there, things get exponentially better when they're both/all in school for the morning/day and you have some down time.