Peace with being single

[whatnext]

I know a number of you struggle from time to time with this. What are some of the ways or things that help you be at peace with being single. The loneliness just drags me down so much sometimes I can't see any other way and I think I need to find a new counsellor as I feel like we only talk and never get anywhere

[riverpestie]

What I did when I went through my divorce is I volunteered my heart out, started new hobbies, took shelter dogs for walks on the beach and I took up training for a marathon. That in turn caused me to join a running club, which turned into joining a triathlon team, which resulted in livelong friends!!

[prettipenny]

I really struggle with this too. I wish I had some advice and I am anxious to see what other suggest. I do think finding things that make you happy and keeping busy is always a great idea.

[Deleted]

Someone told me a few years ago to date myself, spend time wooing myself, and reconnecting with myself.

Don't get me wrong, I have moments of loneliness but now they're typically right before I fall asleep and just wish I had someone to cuddle with.

I've spent the better part of 5 years dating myself. Volunteering, throwing myself in my career, working a part time, rediscover a hobby, and it's led to many new friendships. Taking myself to dinner, a movie, an adventure, traveling, work events, etc.

I'm more confident with myself and what I want in a partner.

[sweetchix]

I'm glad you posted this because I have been feeling pretty lonely lately myself. In fact, I was thinking about it today on the way to my mom's and almost started crying in the car. I'll be following the responses to this.

[achase123]

I'm in a relationship but we don't see eachother every day. I read a lot. Work even more. Spend time with P. I'm also involved in multiple clubs that take up a ton of time.

I'm never really alone though because I have P and my roommate. I prefer it that way.

[verycontrary247]

I wish I could give you more advice, as this is something I struggle with. It helps that my BFF lives with me now. I don't think I missed having a s/o as much as I missed just having someone to hang out with.

Hugs.

[whatnext]

Thanks ladies, sorry to hear so many f you are struggling with the same thing.

It's not really someone to do things with, most activities I am ok alone but I think it's that there is no one there when I'm down, no one to discuss general things with, and big gaps of time without someone to share things with. I think it's a big mental thing that I want to stop impacting on my life.

[doglove]

Volunteering helps keep me busy. Reading, writing, painting, exercising, meditating, and spending time with my girlfriends also helps. I also decide a few good things I want to do for myself to focus on myself and I work towards those goals too. I think sometimes you just can't combat the lonely feelings, they are just part of the package, but you can learn healthy ways to cope with them.

[bl]

I try to fill my time with working out, reading, watching tv, cooking, going for walks, and hanging out with friends. None of those are overly exciting, but I enjoy them all a lot. If I am feeling I have too much free time on my hands I go to a meetup or two. Someone hit on it earlier in the thread, but for me it isn't as much about a significant other for most things as it is just someone to share my life with. That someone doesn't need to be romantic. I have put a lot of effort into maintaining my long distance friendships and creating a few meaningful friendships here in town. I prefer to have closer friends that I talk to often and see regularly. Do I prefer having someone to cuddle at night, absolutely and I miss it sometimes, but I find when I have strong friendships it makes it easier. I also journal and find that helpful in just getting my feelings out too.

[cuddlyevil]

I focused on finding new friends and reconnecting with my old ones. I also started rediscovering things I used to love to do (go see live bands, read books, see movies, play outside with the kids, etc) and discovering new interests (food, great wine & beer). The kids and I also joined a church and are active in that, so we've been gathering new friends there.

If I'm feeling lonely, I'll try and get together with my friends or I will force myself to get out of the house and do something (grab a drink, see a band play, etc). I have been struggling with loneliness lately and Sunday was really bad, so I made myself go out and be around people. I ended up at a nice wine bar, got to play with a dog belonging to another patron and met some nice people. It lifted my spirits a bit.

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2015 3:10:31 GMT -5 whatnext said:

Thanks ladies, sorry to hear so many f you are struggling with the same thing.

It's not really someone to do things with, most activities I am ok alone but I think it's that there is no one there when I'm down, no one to discuss general things with, and big gaps of time without someone to share things with. I think it's a big mental thing that I want to stop impacting on my life.

When I was single, I think what helped with this was having my mom and my BFF as people I checked in with pretty much daily. We'd have a brief phone conversation or send a few emails back and forth, and generally just talk about stupid stuff like what we had for dinner last night, what we heard on the news that morning, how we had trouble picking out an outfit that day, etc. Just feeling like a part of each others' daily lives, even if I didn't actually SEE them daily. Do you have any friends or family who you might want to reach out to more frequently? (actually, I'm not single now but I still communicate with my mom and BFF most days! It's nice being able to chat about the stuff my BF would have to feign interest in).

I also found posting on these boards helps a lot. I actually don't like being super busy with plans all the time, but I know what you mean about needing to connect with people to share your life with. 

[pinkdutchtulips]

I got SUPER involved with Girl Scouts ... sure I was dd's troop leader but I also took on a role on the service unit board. I literally have some sort of GS activity every week.
I also rejoined my church's book club, took dd to the playground ... started volunteering more at my church.

I took a year for myself after xh and I split be I needed to get back in touch ME !! during that time I also learned that being single isn't so bad. I feel no super pressing need to date do if I see someone that catches my eye, I'll check it out but I don't feel that I HAVE to be in a relationship. Would it be nice ? Yes ! but after spending nearly 13 years in the WRONG relationship, I'm more than willing to take my time and wait for the right one to come around

[whatnext]

Jul 29, 2015 9:15:25 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

Jul 29, 2015 3:10:31 GMT -5 whatnext said:

Thanks ladies, sorry to hear so many f you are struggling with the same thing.

It's not really someone to do things with, most activities I am ok alone but I think it's that there is no one there when I'm down, no one to discuss general things with, and big gaps of time without someone to share things with. I think it's a big mental thing that I want to stop impacting on my life.

When I was single, I think what helped with this was having my mom and my BFF as people I checked in with pretty much daily. We'd have a brief phone conversation or send a few emails back and forth, and generally just talk about stupid stuff like what we had for dinner last night, what we heard on the news that morning, how we had trouble picking out an outfit that day, etc. Just feeling like a part of each others' daily lives, even if I didn't actually SEE them daily. Do you have any friends or family who you might want to reach out to more frequently? (actually, I'm not single now but I still communicate with my mom and BFF most days! It's nice being able to chat about the stuff my BF would have to feign interest in).

I also found posting on these boards helps a lot. I actually don't like being super busy with plans all the time, but I know what you mean about needing to connect with people to share your life with. 

I have a very strained relationship with my parents, we might exchange texts a few times a month. I have one girlfriend who is in a similar situation but copes by blocking things out and staying at home.

Someone gave me a suggestion of being more present in the now. I do struggle with this in general.

[somersault72]

Once my broken heart had healed, I just made sure I was always busy. I trained for a half marathon the year after we separated. Otherwise, I just spent a lot of time with my son, my family, and friends. I didn't realize how happy I was single (eventually--it definitely took time) until I got into a relationship. I'm happy in my relationship too, but it's a different kind of fulfillment for me. It was actually pretty nice not to have to worry about another adult, and just do whatever I wanted. I had never had that before (started dating xh at 18). Hugs to all those struggling. It can be difficult, especially at first.

[jigsy]

I have gotten to the point where it is really natural to have plans. So the nights that I am alone, I can enjoy the solitude. It's actually made it difficult to go out on some dates because I am too booked up, lol. It's one reason I love where I live. There is always something to do.

I have also cultivated a pretty good group of friends. Some of which were found here, others through a book club I joined on Meetup, and some organically through day to day life. I think most people out there want friends, but as we get older, it is harder to make those connections and it does take effort, but it's worth it.

[katieido]

One of the things that really bothered me about my relationship with my ex is that he would say things like "I only care about you and (our dd)" and no one else. But our relationship was extremely tumultuous and unhappy. What kind of life was that? Isolated and empty. As I adjust to bring single, my life is more full. I see a bigger variety of purple, do more things, am busier with "life"stuff (not related to work). I find entering dating hard because I can't seem to prioritize time for potential dates. But at the moment reconnecting with my non romantic life seems more important. Stay tuned. Someday I'll be ready, maybe.

[spedrunner]

I have been completely single for about a two years now. How long have you been "single"?

At first it was awful, uncomfortable and depressing. I hated every moment of it

THEN I had to change my mindset. I turned it around and FINALLY made it about me. What are my likes, interests, hobbies, etc. I have began to really explore and build on my interests and doing things for me (I never did this!) I am building and maintaining friendships, changing jobs, moving, etc. All things to better myself

I never realized how important all these things were. Being in a relationship, for me, was unhealthy because I would focus on them too much and really neglected myself and LOST myself

Do not get sad or upset, change your mindset. Do things for you, better yourself in someway, so that when you do get involved again you will be a more "whole" person"

I know its easier said than done, but it really is about your way of thinking!! Make it positive, someway!

[whatnext]

Aug 2, 2015 5:39:31 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

I have been completely single for about a two years now. How long have you been "single"?

At first it was awful, uncomfortable and depressing. I hated every moment of it

THEN I had to change my mindset. I turned it around and FINALLY made it about me. What are my likes, interests, hobbies, etc. I have began to really explore and build on my interests and doing things for me (I never did this!) I am building and maintaining friendships, changing jobs, moving, etc. All things to better myself

I never realized how important all these things were. Being in a relationship, for me, was unhealthy because I would focus on them too much and really neglected myself and LOST myself

Do not get sad or upset, change your mindset. Do things for you, better yourself in someway, so that when you do get involved again you will be a more "whole" person"

I know its easier said than done, but it really is about your way of thinking!! Make it positive, someway!

About 10 months, I found myself stepping through the points and had a lot of hope that I could rebuild a life. It's now only been about a month and I think a big part of it is I don't have that hope. It's harder to make friends with people than I thought, I never thought I would be so crippled by spending Friday nights alone.

I think your right in the mindset plays a huge part and this past week trying to be in the here and now has helped a fair bit. But it would be good to have a hug every now and again.

[spedrunner]

I have a difficult time making friends too (the older we get its harder) BUT it also made me realize that I am finally making the friends I want and deserve. I am no longer just going to be friends with anyone. I want people that I feel good with and we connect! I can honestly say I have found 1 true friend that I adore. We "get" eachother

Now I am moving 500 miles away and as scared as I am, I KNOW it is possible to make friends that are good friends, YET I will have motivation to work on this relationship with her

Its YOUR life, you can choose to be happy or miserable. You can choose to lose hope or look for it. Remmember it is YOUR life, make it what you want!! You can choose to mope or you can choose to fight for what you deserve!

<3

[calle28]

Aug 4, 2015 19:19:52 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

I don't even know. I decided to take a break from dating in late June because it was stressing me out and so disappointing and my life has been peaceful and easy and mellow since then. I have spent entirely too much of my adult life on the quest for the holy grail relationship and have nothing to show for it but a divorce and some wasted tears. I missed a lot of yesterday because I was focused on tomorrow. My life is good. I have great friends and a social life and I don't feel lonely. This works right now and I am not thinking about next week or five years from now or whatever, I'm enjoying these moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not closing myself off to possibilities of romance but, I am over the whole "put yourself out there!" and "be proactive!" and "dating is a numbers game!" stuff. If I am meant to be with someone it will happen. Maybe you will find that place and space for yourself where you can be content with life as it is now. I hope so. Good luck.

This is a great place to be and I'm striving to be here as well.

I am naturally a homebody but sometimes I feel like I have to go out and "put myself out there". If I don't go to an event I worry, was HE there? Did I miss meeting HIM? I've relaxed on that way of thinking a bit, but sometimes I still have that nagging thought.