DS friendship advice and kindergarten

[poe]

Yes I normally just lurk and rarely post on Style and Beauty but I would love some advice. Please don't quote:

DS enters kindergarten in the fall and is super excited! DS has a friend I'll call A. A is not excited not one bit, doesn't want to go. A and DS have been friends for about a year this summer they play 2-3 a week. I'm starting to see some issues with the friendship and I would love some advice. A is almost a year older than DS. He can be very controlling and manipulative and DS definitely does what A says. A's family life seems to be somewhat unstable and A's dad is an alcoholic. (I'm not judging just trying to give facts.) There are other things that are concerning but I don't know how relevant that is...
A's mom would like them to be in the same class next year. She says A is so freaked out by going that there's no way he'll go unless they're in the same class. The last month I have seen some thing during their playdates where I wonder if them being in the same class is a good idea (manipulating, lies, BUT I know they're 5, A will be 6 next month). During a play date she said "I know I shouldn't tell you this but you're a teacher and so I think it's okay. A exposed himself to his sister's friend. He just said he wanted to." I'm not sure what she was looking for me to say and I didn't say much except, "Oh as a teacher I've had it happen twice." Didn't mention that those kids are BSC and to be honest I don't know how common it is for boys to expose themselves??? DS hasn't done it and he knows that's his private area.
She is going to the principal as soon as the school opens and telling the principal they NEED to be in the same class.
I'm worried that DS won't be able to make friends (he doesn't have many friends in the neighborhood our street is full of older kids) and that they're could be issues in the classroom. I also don't know if we should S..L..O..W..L..Y.. start moving away from being as friendly or just see where this friendship goes.
I just want DS to be happy and enjoy his school experience so any advice, help is welcome.

[Dezi]

I would be going to the school and demanding that my child not be put in the same class with this child. I would also never let them play unsupervised.

[trafficgirl]

Jul 29, 2015 13:04:15 GMT -5 Dezi said:

I would be going to the school and demanding that my child not be put in the same class with this child. I would also never let them play unsupervised.

Yup.

[ECB]

On exposing himself, I wouldn't freak out about that tbh. I think it can be normal. Kids are curious. Ds did it once. Once. We found out, talked to him about it. He was embarrassed and he now knows not to do it.

I'd be more concerned about the parents reaction to it and if they explained to their son why he shouldn't do it.

Now, if he keeps doing it, that's an issue.

If you don't want them in the same class, let the school know.

[Deleted]

They live around the corner from us. I am going to start limiting any more play dates they have. My heart/gut told me not okay but I also worry that I was overreacting.

[Alyssa]

If this family is really getting to you, then I would voice that to the school.

[jinkies]

As others have said, I think if you also go to the principal and request that they not be together, that your request will trump hers.

I'm sure the principal will come up with some professional sounding reason along the lines of "we can't guarantee placement in any given class" and then just place them in different rooms.

[Deleted]

Jul 29, 2015 13:12:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

On exposing himself, I wouldn't freak out about that tbh. I think it can be normal. Kids are curious. Ds did it once. Once. We found out, talked to him about it. He was embarrassed and he now knows not to do it.

I'd be more concerned about the parents reaction to it and if they explained to their son why he shouldn't do it.

Now, if he keeps doing it, that's an issue.

If you don't want them in the same class, let the school know.

Agreed.  DD did it b/c another kid did it in her K class.  We shut that down pretty quickly and haven't had an issue with her since.  

[Kristinmo]

Jul 29, 2015 13:12:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

On exposing himself, I wouldn't freak out about that tbh. I think it can be normal. Kids are curious. Ds did it once. Once. We found out, talked to him about it. He was embarrassed and he now knows not to do it.

I'd be more concerned about the parents reaction to it and if they explained to their son why he shouldn't do it.

Now, if he keeps doing it, that's an issue.

If you don't want them in the same class, let the school know.

All of this. When I was in 1st grade I lifted my shirt and flashed a classmate because he did it first. I'm a (fairly) functional member of society.

[Kristinmo]

And they mom doesn't think she can make her kid go to Kindergarten? You drop his ass off and say see you this afternoon. It's not a choice.

[Deleted]

Yeah so I'm dumb when I created my account I put it under cocoa ( I think) then it asked for another name so I put Poe. Now I have two accounts and I don't know how to get rid of one. I'm not attached to either at all and I don't see how you can get rid of one.

[devonpow]

In our school district a parent going to the principal and saying your kid NEEDS to be in the same class as another kid basically automatically means your kids WONT be in the and class, and you are marked as an annoying parent for the rest of your child's school career. So you may be fine regardless, lol

Plus, aren't class lists already basically set if not officially posted? I guess it can work differently everywhere but here they set the classes in late spring/ early summer based on a lot of things including teacher assessments/pre k reading assessments etc etc. Changes are obviously made sometimes but they pretty much know by now.

[penguingrrl]

I wouldn't be overly concerned about one single incident of exposing himself. Sometimes kids do get things into their heads. As long as the parents addressed it appropriately and the child learned not to I think it's not age inappropriate (not that all kids do it, but it happens). The other things do sound troublesome though.

I can't imagine a school would take that kind of request anyway. I've never heard of an elementary school that honored parents requests as far as what teacher or classmates they wanted for their children. And if she's waiting until the first day of school that's way too late. She sounds bsc. You can absolutely put in a word that you would rather not have the two in the same class. I would imagine that is more likely to be honored than "OMG, my kid just neeeeeds to be in class with his BFF!"

[Kimba]

Jul 29, 2015 13:12:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

On exposing himself, I wouldn't freak out about that tbh. I think it can be normal. Kids are curious. Ds did it once. Once. We found out, talked to him about it. He was embarrassed and he now knows not to do it.

I'd be more concerned about the parents reaction to it and if they explained to their son why he shouldn't do it.

Now, if he keeps doing it, that's an issue.

If you don't want them in the same class, let the school know.

All of this. Kids do silly, dopey things sometimes. Unless there is an ongoing problem with this, I wouldn't worry about it. 

And if you don't want them in the same class, just talk to the principal. But do it soon. Class rosters have probably been set for a while. I would explain that you don't think your son will adjust well to Kindergarten if the 2 boys are in the same class. I certainly wouldn't go into any details about your perception on their family life. If there's a problem, the school will figure it out soon enough.

I would probably just say that you think that living so close to each other AND being in the same class at school would be too much togetherness. The principal at our school actually prefers to keep neighbor children in separate classes for this reason.  

[Kimba]

Also, if this isn't a friendship you want to encourage, then you should start to slowly back away. It doesn't need to be a big deal. Just be busy a little more often and less available for play-dates. If they end up in separate classes at school, then they'll both start to make new friends and the friendship may drift even further.

[sarahbear]

Deleted because I have no idea how I quoted and posted this to begin with.

[Rainyday]

Jul 29, 2015 13:14:08 GMT -5 jinkies said:

As others have said, I think if you also go to the principal and request that they not be together, that your request will trump hers.

I'm sure the principal will come up with some professional sounding reason along the lines of "we can't guarantee placement in any given class" and then just place them in different rooms.

This.
I mean since you're a teacher I guess you would know, but I can't see any principal going along with the other mom's request.
Our schools do not let you make teacher requests, and certainly not on the basis of them being friends.
Millions of kids start Kindy every year, he will make friends. He doesn't need to be in a class with your kid. And putting that kind of pressure on your kid is certainly not in either of their best interest. I can't imagine any admin going along with this.
Stick up for your kid but I would not say anything else to the school. Keep it short and sweet.

[ijack]

Jul 29, 2015 13:12:08 GMT -5 ECB said:

On exposing himself, I wouldn't freak out about that tbh. I think it can be normal. Kids are curious. Ds did it once. Once. We found out, talked to him about it. He was embarrassed and he now knows not to do it.

I'd be more concerned about the parents reaction to it and if they explained to their son why he shouldn't do it.

Now, if he keeps doing it, that's an issue.

If you don't want them in the same class, let the school know.

this

[yourmother]

Jul 29, 2015 12:59:23 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

Jesus Jones. I would move, change your number and send your kid to a different school. And stop making friends with crazy people.

Best thing I've read all day! LOL!

[ECB]

Now that I've read this on my PC and could read it a tad more thoroughly - class lists have already been made. I don't know how accommodating the school is going to be with requests like this on the first day.  BUT keep in mind, this could mean they are already assigned to the same class!

That being said, chances are the principal and/or some staff is already in the school (our principal is!).  to YOU, I would suggest calling and see if you can talk to someone.  heck, it's our principal who is answering the phone right now.  Anyhow, I would call and just express that you know this neighbor wants your kids together.  If they aren't already in the same class, express that you absolutely do NOT want them in the same class.  I wouldn't' go into it too much more than just to say that you think they are too reliant on one another and you think it will be better for your son to not be in the same class.

Just to make it clear that her wishes are NOT your wishes.

But, again, you might find out they are already in the same class and YOU might get the standard answer of "classes have already been assigned and we can't move kids at this time".  Be prepared.   

[frkls]

i'd give the principal a head's up that the request is coming and that you would prefer that special action not be taken to get them together.

also, this is KILLING ME: She says A is so freaked out by going that there's no way he'll go unless they're in the same class.

SHE KNOWS THIS IS NOT UP TO HIM, RIGHT?!?!

[formerlyak]

I wouldn't worry about a one time incident of a preschooler showing his junk. I know a ton of boys that did that in preschool, my ds included, and none are bad kids.

I also wouldn't worry about what class your kid is placed in in Kinder. Like previous posters said, the lists are likely already determined and the friend's mom demanding they be in the same class is going to look like a fool and likely not get her way. And, even if she did, there is a high likeliness that your ds will make other friends anyway. My ds had to switch schools between K and 1st because we moved. There were two boys ds knew at the new school from preschool. The principal at the new school knew how hard we tried to keep ds at his old school because she had to fill out a form "releasing" him from her school since we lived in that neighborhood. When our application to stay at the old school was rejected, I emailed her and thanked her for all her help. I said I know it isn't always possible to honor friend requests, but if there is a spot in the class of the kid ds knew from preschool, could ds be placed in that class. She did place him in that class, and I was thrilled. He'd have a friend, right!?! Well those two boys are friends, but in that class there were people who were more similar to each boy that they individually became close with on there own. So even if your ds and A are placed in the same class, that is no guarantee that they will even hang out.

[frkls]

heh...a 5yo refusing to go to kindergarten is still cracking me up. "i'm sorry, Mr. Truancy Officer. I just couldn't make him go."

[DotAndBuzz]

frkls, clearly Special Snowflake A is the only child ever who has been afraid and nervous to go to Kindergarten, and NEEDS his friend. The teachers have never seen a situation like this.

I also bet that this mom has already told her son that they'll be in the same class, and is setting him up to freak out if/when they aren't.

OP - let the principal know your concerns, keep it short and sweet. In our school you're allowed to submit requests to be with, or separated from, certain kids, as well as request certain teachers. They won't guarantee the request will be honored, but your request to be split from this kid is not an unreasonable one. I've made that request for 2 years now, after N ended up in a kindergarten class with a kid, B, who was her "best friend," but really was a pushy bully (kindergarten bullying is different than HS, but it was her teacher who used that term first to describe the behavior and interaction). Back off the playdates, give them some space to grow a little independently this year and make new friends.

[cville]

Run far far away. Even if this kid is otherwise fine, that his mother wants to use your kid as his crutch is bad news bears. Five year olds don't need jobs like truancy prevention. Add in that he's borderline controlling your son and I say goodbye.

[speckledfrog]

I agree with PPs that him exposing himself isn't necessarily an awful thing. I would definitely limit your child's exposure to him because of the extreme leader/follower dynamic. My son tends to be more of a follower, it's just his nature. I try to keep an eye on the kids he plays with so he doesn't end up hitched to someone who will dominate him. It's not appropriate for either kid to have such an imbalance in the friendship.

[suzubell]

There is no way my school would accommodate a parent like that. I wouldn't be too concerned with the exposing if it was handled and doesn't continue, but I would monitor them big time if he was encouraging my kid to lie/manipulate.

[RoxMonster]

I mean, I don't think schools typically listen to requests for friends to be put in the same class together. At least not at any school I have taught at or attended. That would become such a cluster fuck if they did honor people's requests. BUT, having said that, there is always the chance that class lists are already made and they were randomly placed into the same class. So I do think you should talk to the principal and explain, briefly, why you think it's best if they aren't in the same class. Maybe one could be moved if they were already going to be together.

[miniroller]

At this point, I just feel sorry for the semi-crazy kid w/ the socially inept mom. (Miss Manners would discourage an 'exposing himself' in the same conversation w/ a 'make sure they're in the same class' convo- SHEESH!!)
I'd also place a call to the principal, see what you can do, OP. But definitely start separating them socially!!!

[sarahbear]

Jul 29, 2015 15:46:08 GMT -5 Queen Dick, Hibernating Bear said:

Jul 29, 2015 15:40:23 GMT -5 sarahbear said:

How dare you? 

I had no idea that I even quoted and posted this. Sorry. I use my phone most of the time.