If the 50 states were people in a bar...

[mominatrix]

The 50 States Of America If They Were Actually People In A Bar. California Is Perfect.
POSTED 3 DAYS 153 COMMENTS
Bobby Popovic
Content Writer


A recent Reddit post asked users the following question: “The United States is a bar, what is each State doing and drinking?” Special credit goes to Reddit user motherboy, who is the individual mastermind behind many of them.


Alabama is a fat guy with a goatee, wearing a camo jacket and a trucker hat. Despite his drunkenness and outwards appearance of being a racist redneck, he is actually pretty nice to everyone at the bar. He's drinking a can of Budweiser.

Alaska and Nebraska would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.

Arizona is the bouncer, kicking Mexicans out who are trying to get in from the bar across the street. Ironically, he's drinking Tecate.

Arkansas is drinking straight whiskey and asking people if they want to arm wrestle to prove how manly they are.

California is constantly buying drinks for others, yet has failing kidneys from lack of hydration.

Colorado is a beautiful, perfectly athletic couple wearing all Patagonia, drinking craft beer talking about their last mountaineering trip, with an air of aloofness.

Connecticut is a rich white woman sipping a martini and silently judging all the other states.

Delaware is that guy who hangs around the outside of the New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland and New Jersey friend-circle, taking occasional sips from his Yuengling and mostly being ignored, except when New York has to go past him to get to the bar.

Florida is drinking moonshine while riding an alligator through the orange groves to the local Publix.

Georgia will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.

Hawaii is alone in a corner of the bar, away from the other states, drinking a cocktail from a coconut.

Idaho is drinking Keystone Light and pretending they are part of the South.

Illinois is a larger gentleman, eating deep dish pizza and drinking a Goose Island. He's reminiscing about the '85 Bears and how "this is the Cubs year".

Indiana is in line for the toilet, drinking a Budweiser or a Coors, checking out the ladies and thinking about how bullshit it is that you can't buy alcohol on Sunday.

Iowa is sitting next to Illinois, just trying to have someone pay attention to him.

Kansas is dressed in a plaid shirt, jeans and clean boots. He's friendly enough and even buys a round to get the party started. After a few drinks, it's obvious he feels sorry for Oklahoma, hates Missouri, and is hung up on Colorado. After striking out with California, him and Wisconsin get hammered drunk and sing Country Boy.

Kentucky would be drinking bourbon and arguing with anybody who will listen about college basketball.

Louisiana is celebrating that lack of open container laws by standing outside of the bar with an Abita Amber or a Sazerac and looking disdainfully at the drinking abilities of all of the other states. "Amateurs."

Maine is wearing an L.L. Bean flannel and drinking Allen's Coffee Brandy

Maryland is drinking a Chesapeake margarita. Rim lined with Old Bay. He is insisting that everyone try his drink because it's really good if you just give it a chance, but no one else seems to get it.

Massachusetts is in a bar fight with New York over sports.

Michigan is drinking some micro brew and playing Euchre while trying to conjure up nice things to say about Detroit.

Minnesota is a pleasant guy drinking Summit Extra Pale Ale and will happily buy you one. He’s hanging out with his obnoxious brother-in-law North Dakota even though he doesn't want to but he's too nice to tell them to bug off.

Mississippi is just looking to start a fight with Alabama about who’s less redneck.

Missouri is in a drunken argument with Kansas about who gets custody of their strange in-between child - Kansas City.

Montana has to be two different people. Eastern Montana is a cowboy drinking Budweiser and gets into a fight with Wyoming over sheep vs. cattle, but this happens every week and they make up afterwards. Western Montana, on the other hand, is a hipster/hippie throwback with dreadlocks who drinks craft beer or PBR and absolutely reeks of marijuana.

Nevada is a sketchy, middle-aged balding man chain-smoking cigarettes he pulls from his black leather jacket, rolling dice on the bar counter top and drinking whiskey, straight up.

New Hampshire is a skinny, nerdy white guy in a collared shirt and khakis, who also carried in signs for his favorite political candidate. He's drinking craft beer and getting into philosophical and political discussions with Vermont and Maine, but is open to talk to everyone. He is quick to tell everyone he loves himself, and humbly without arrogance.

New Jersey is a man of Italian/Mediterranean descent wearing a wifebeater and track pants. He's downing jagerbombs and giving people the finger.

New Mexico is the quirky but good-natured one who is getting a bit too wasted with whatever shots the other states buy them because they can't afford it.

New York is an Italian businessman, wearing an expensive suit, with a perfect haircut and slicked back hair. He is talking down to New Jersey, like a father talking to a son, and he's drinking scotch.

North Carolina is an attractive, bubbly blonde girl of average height with a smoky accent, who's just graduated from UNC and has taken a job teaching young kids. She is hanging out with South Carolina and Virginia, and she isn't drinking anything because she just found out she's pregnant.

Ohio is an incredibly average white guy, that's not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can't stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn't leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.

Oklahoma is an obese couple who have not moved from their spots since sitting down next to Texas. They have on sweatpants, and brought in fast food to eat at the bar. They are drinking Bud Light bottles.

Oregon is the hipster drinking the eclectic craft microbrew that nobody's even heard of.

Pennsylvania is a cheery, pretty brunette girl with blue eyes, dressed fairly preppy. She's drinking Yuengling and making out with a handful of other states.

Rhode Island is drinking Narragansett pounders and is sitting on phone books on its barstool.

South Carolina is an overly drunk guy in his mid-twenties, wearing preppy pastel clothes, a sports jacket, and pants with little boats embroidered on them. He is talking about what he is going to do with his family's old money to anyone who listens. He's drinking an Old Fashioned.

South Dakota is an older, in-shape man with long, straight black hair tied in a pony tail. He looks vaguely Native American and sits at the bar carving various little statuettes out of soapstone. He's wearing a worn leather biker vest and has a colt .45 at his hip, but despite his rough appearance many of his neighbors like Minnesota and Wyoming come over to talk to him and seem to get along quite well, often admiring his handiwork. Other states however don't seem to notice him much, passing him by without a second thought.

Tennessee is drinking Jack Daniels, and watching Nascar.

Texas is singing karaoke about how great Texas is.

Utah is the designated driver, sipping on water and making sure nobody gets too crazy.

Vermont is a guy who brought in his own craft beer from his hometown in Vermont, and stubbornly refuses to try any other beer, but is pretty much friendly to everyone.

Virginia is drinking some local craft beer that their friend made at their brewery. They will only talk about all of the fancy craft beer they have drank while complaining about traffic.

Washington is a pale girl, very quiet and reluctant to be friendly to anyone except Oregon. She has glasses and a couple books, and isn't drinking because she's enjoying a cup of coffee she got from her favorite place on the way here. She loves hiking with her boyfriend and watching indie movies and documentaries on Netflix. She suddenly yells at New Jersey for throwing a napkin on the floor and not in the correct recycling bin.

West Virginia is downin' enough bud light to float a battleship, and talking nostalgically of the days when copper prices were higher.

Wisconsin is drinking New Glarus while eating cheese curds, and is probably about 5-6 beers ahead of everyone else.

Wyoming would be on the roof with a rifle, muttering conspiracy theories about black helicopters.

Bonus... Puerto Rico is standing outside staring through the window, wishing it could join the party.

Bonus #2… Washington D.C. is the bartender since it's not a state but is essential for the whole thing to keep running. Plus everyone loves it when they need something and hates it when they don't.

www.tickld.com/x/the-50-states-of-america-if-they-were-actually-people-in-a-bar

[katfco]

Ohio is an incredibly average white guy, that's not out of shape but not in good shape either. He has his sports hat on of his favorite Ohio sports team and is drinking good beer but nothing fancy. He has a family and works in an office. He can't stop talking about how much he hates himself, but doesn't leave due to his ties there, and would miss his friends if he left.

This is so spot on, it's creepy.

[Michelle]

The Texas one is so spot on too! love it!!

[Deleted]

This Michigan one is kinda lame (true, but took no real imagination), but the NC one is spot-on, right down to the pregnant first year teacher!

[sangria]

Jul 30, 2015 13:51:27 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Did I miss it? Did they skip Nebraska?

Alaska and Nebraska would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.



Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/466211/50-states-people-bar#ixzz3hP2CW5Zw

[waffletime]

Jul 30, 2015 13:51:27 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Did I miss it? Did they skip Nebraska?

It's grouped with Alaska.

[Skyesthelimit1212]

MA is way to obvious and not particularly true. I was born and raised here and I could give a rats ass about sports.

[katfco]

Jul 30, 2015 13:59:57 GMT -5 Skyesthelimit1212 said:

MA is way to obvious and not particularly true. I was born and raised here and I could give a rats ass about sports.

I read this piece to DH yesterday while he was driving and I was really annoyed with the Mass one. They just kind of gave up on that one. 

[elletr13]

Jul 30, 2015 13:43:23 GMT -5 mominatrix said:

The 50 States Of America If They Were Actually People In A Bar. California Is Perfect.
POSTED 3 DAYS 153 COMMENTS
Bobby Popovic
Content Writer


A recent Reddit post asked users the following question: “The United States is a bar, what is each State doing and drinking?” Special credit goes to Reddit user motherboy, who is the individual mastermind behind many of them.


Georgia will be drinking bud light, wearing a UGA trucker hat, tortoise Costa Del Mar sunglasses with croakies, solid colored Polo shirt, questionably short shorts with a UGA belt, and driving a Z71 with a Browning decal in their rear window (even though he only went hunting twice, in Jr High) and a UGA license plate frame. He went to Valdosta State University, and he works in his dad’s local business.

I'm a Georgia native and UGA grad. This is so accurate. 

[ttt]

LOL poor PR.

[osulori]

Ohio is so, so true.

[Deleted]

Clearly the person who wrote this has never seen the vast nothingness that is central PA

[pixy0stix]

All lies, I have no Patagonia.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Minnesota is spot on. Except I think it'd probably be Surly instead of Summit nowadays.

[annieblah]

Maryland is perfect with the Old Bay. Lol

Idaho made me fall over "pretending to be padt of the south. "

[AJL]

Texas LOVES Texas. Can't deny it.  

It's going to marry itself one day.

[terpsfan]

Well I've had way too many Dead Rise this summer and I love Gansett Shandys... So pretty accurate for a RI native now in MD almost 20 years

VA cracks me up.. It's always about traffic

[mcfelix]

This makes me laugh!

[mcsangel2]

Several of these made me laugh. Especially California and Illinois.

[arterr0]

I may not live there anymore, but Kentucky is sooooo me.

[LoveTrains]

Jul 30, 2015 14:04:41 GMT -5 katfco said:

Jul 30, 2015 13:59:57 GMT -5 Skyesthelimit1212 said:

MA is way to obvious and not particularly true. I was born and raised here and I could give a rats ass about sports.

I read this piece to DH yesterday while he was driving and I was really annoyed with the Mass one. They just kind of gave up on that one. 

They also gave up on RI. Why phone books? Bc the state is small?

[LoveTrains]

Jul 30, 2015 20:51:15 GMT -5 terpsfan said:

Well I've had way too many Dead Rise this summer and I love Gansett Shandys... So pretty accurate for a RI native now in MD almost 20 years

VA cracks me up.. It's always about traffic

Have you tried the del's shandy made by gansett? It's kind of gross. This year they have a cherry version which is beyond foul. But the summer is good as is the autocrat coffee stout.

[terpsfan]

Dels Shandy is ok.. It makes me happy holding the can. The phone books sort of remind me of the hole in the wall bars down by the water in my hometown.

[LoveTrains]

Jul 30, 2015 22:03:53 GMT -5 terpsfan said:

Dels Shandy is ok.. It makes me happy holding the can. The phone books sort of remind me of the hole in the wall bars down by the water in my hometown.

Well if you grew up by the beach that's RI far from me so I wouldn't know.

[redwino]

Oklahoma's all wrong. While the couple may be obese, they're wearing jeans and sooner t-shirts while eating whatever fried item the bar offers and watching OU football. They're telling Texas he sucks but will still come visit next weekend.

[aurora]

Jul 30, 2015 20:08:00 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

All lies, I have no Patagonia.

Patagonia underwear is actually awesome.

[aurora]

Jul 30, 2015 13:59:24 GMT -5 sangria said:

Jul 30, 2015 13:51:27 GMT -5 chilerellanos said:

Did I miss it? Did they skip Nebraska?

Alaska and Nebraska would just be 20 drinks in before even showing up to the bar.



Read more: pandce.proboards.com/thread/466211/50-states-people-bar#ixzz3hP2CW5Zw

A serious cop-out.

[itsme]

Utah's is awesome and exactly what I would expect.

[bimbi284]

PR is a cop-out!

I'd say PR would be dancing salsa or merengue in the streets while drinking Medalla light, piña coladas, or coco locos.

[emisi]

New York's is a copout, too. Yeah, it describes NYC. But not the other 90% of the state.

New York is more like a couple who married because she got pregnant but hate each other. He's a huge redneck and is wearing camo and has an NRA hate, she is super classy and wearing a suit and pearls.