Anyway, FIL is 83 and in good health, considering his age. MIL is 78 and I don't hold out a ton of hope that she will be one of those people who are hearty up until 95. Obviously, they need to meet DD.
No. They don't. They really don't.
I know it feels like it's super important, but if they're crappy people who make no effort to facilitate a safe, loving, caring relationship, she's better off to not have them in her life.
It sounds harsh, but I have a similar relationship with my only living set of grandparents and keeping them at arm's length is best for all involved. I am much happier when our relationship consists of a Christmas card once a year and nothing else.
I would go. It's once. Stay in the hotel and try to treat it as a vacation by scheduling fun things to do every day in addition to visiting with them.
ETA: I would make it a long weekend and keep visiting time to a couple hours each day, for like dinner or something. Your MIL sounds fun. She'd probably like my mom.
Post by shamrockshake on Jul 31, 2015 9:35:12 GMT -5
yeah I agree with Brie. They don't seem to care about meeting her so, screw them. Unless your DH really needs/ wants this I wouldn't even push it. I do think it would be fine to send him alone with her though if he does want to go
I would not go if your H is willing to go alone. I also wouldn't stay for 5 days. I wouldn't enable this bad behavior. If it isn't a priority to MIL, that sucks, but oh well. If H wants her to go, and doesn't mind going alone, let him.
I agree that you really don't have to do this unless your DH is insistent. If you do choose to go, I would not make it a regular thing in place of your vacation.
Yes, the flight is long but I would limit it to a weekend if there is nothing else to do in the area. Fly out on a Friday, fly home on Sunday. Not fun but no need to drag it out to 5 days. Alternatively, if there is something, anything in the area to do, I'd schedule it as an actual vacation with a short side visit to DH's parents for a few hours.
For hotels, look into some of the marriott brands that offer mini suites. We stayed at a Towne Place Suites or something like that last year that had 2 bedroom suites for $150/night. Or, just get a one bedroom suite and put your DD in either the bedroom or LR, whichever you won't be hanging out in.
uggh, it does suck but I would go- once. Then it's on them to travel. Get the hotel room so you can have a sanctuary to go back to at the end of the day and a comfortable place to sleep. If you need to get some work done you could spend a morning or afternoon back at the hotel doing work while your H takes her over to their house.
and try to plan some fun outings while you are there so it's not a total bummer
Anyway, FIL is 83 and in good health, considering his age. MIL is 78 and I don't hold out a ton of hope that she will be one of those people who are hearty up until 95. Obviously, they need to meet DD.
No. They don't. They really don't.
I know it feels like it's super important, but if they're crappy people who make no effort to facilitate a safe, loving, caring relationship, she's better off to not have them in her life.
It sounds harsh, but I have a similar relationship with my only living set of grandparents and keeping them at arm's length is best for all involved. I am much happier when our relationship consists of a Christmas card once a year and nothing else.
Can I play a little devil's advocate here? They might be awful, I gather that there are some awful grandparents on MMM. But they may also just not realize what they're missing. My folks are awesome but they are very far from my brother and his daughter. They're flying out there to visit when they can, but it's expensive and a long flight on 2 people w/some health issues. I know my folks just don't feel the connection with my niece that they do with my son, b/c they see my son a lot. Maybe this visit will light a fire under your in laws to plug and get more involved. That may not mean visiting, but maybe more facetime or something.
As for your question, I'd either suck it up or send your DH alone. It seems this would be your chance as the daughter in law to catch up too, but it's definitely more important they see your LO.
ETA: If you don't already have one, I recommend the Pixstar frame as a gift for your in laws. They don't even need wifi for it and you can stream new pics to their house. Also, I should have mentioned, I'm sorry you're going through this.
Post by dulcemariamar on Jul 31, 2015 9:42:19 GMT -5
How does your DH feel about it? Is it important for him that his DD meets his mother?
If it is not then don't worry but if you feel that it is then I would go. Your FIL has made some effort and will enjoy seeing your DD. A 3 hour flight isn't that bad with an almost 3 year old. I wouldn't stay with them though. I would stay at a hotel. It sucks but it will probably be only a one time trip.
I'm confused on one thing- Has your FIL met her but MIL hasn't? You said he's visited but she hasn't.
Your FIL sounds better than your MIL for sure. I agree with PP, they don't HAVE to meet her. If it's something that your DH feels strongly about though, I think sending her on a trip with him would be okay as long as you are okay with it. To stay in a hotel for just the two of them for a weekend would be less than ideal but sounds like it would also be the better solution. I would be comfortable with DH taking DD anywhere except a vacation with my ILs. I also know how DH feels about them and I'm pretty sure he would rather do a million other things than vacation with them.
Bottom line, there's nothing that says you or your DD need to make the trip to see them.
I'd leave it up to your DH. Ask him to be honest about what he wants, and then do that.
My dad never comes to visit me. My brother and his family never come to visit me. I choose to visit them, sometimes with my DH and sometimes without. They're not awful people, though, just self-absorbed. DH doesn't try to tell me how to manage my family and I don't manage his. We ask for what we want and do what we want and things are relatively ok.
Can you go for say 5 days, stay at a hotel (not everybody, just the 3 of you), take the time to visit with them a few times during your stay, but also spend some time sightseeing or something so it makes it somewhat of a "vacation" too?
Obviously not sure where they are, so if it's a totally crappy city with absolutely nothing to do, I realize that this may not work as an "actual" vacation.
Well, I don't think they NEED to meet her. This may sound harsh, but I would not give up my vacation time to bring my kids to see someone who has no interest in seeing them or making an effort on their own.
I'm not saying I won't give up vacation time for family and a less than ideal vacation. I'll probably be traveling to Iowa with my kids here soon so that they can meet my extended family. But, they want to meet my kids and put in effort to develop a relationship as best they can. So I think it's different.
But I would not bend over backwards to try and get them to meet DD.
Well what does your H think, but it's seems like you have a few pretty good options that don't seem like the end of the world?
1. Go, but stay in a hotel. Yes it's more money, but seems like it would be 100% worth it for your sanity and so that you can use the internet for work.
2. Have your H take the kids. I don't think this makes you a bad spouse at all. Sometimes families do things separately and that's 100% ok.
3. Everyone stays home and continue to FaceTime and let the in-laws know that a visit isn't possible at the moment.
How does your DH feel about it? Is it important for him that his DD meets his mother?
If it is not then don't worry but if you feel that it is then I would go. Your FIL has made some effort and will enjoy seeing your DD. A 3 hour flight isn't that bad with an almost 3 year old. I wouldn't stay with them though. I would stay at a hotel. It sucks but it will probably be only a one time trip.
I think he feels guilty and frustrated and wishes for the "ideal" situation - a mother who is interested in DD. But that's not what we have here. At all.
Not to split hairs, but it's a 6 hour flight and a 3 hour time difference. A 3 hour flight really doesn't sound so bad, lol.
In this situation I would go if I had the money. At least your husband might feel some peace after the visit. If your DH is ok going alone and doesn't mind then I would use work as an excuse to stay behind.
A six hour flight is obviously longer and can require more things to pack to pass the time but I believe basically the length of the flight isn't that important. I have had 10+ hour flights where everything went smoothly and on the other hand flights that only lasted an hour but I was counting down the seconds. You just never know.
Can you go for say 5 days, stay at a hotel (not everybody, just the 3 of you), take the time to visit with them a few times during your stay, but also spend some time sightseeing or something so it makes it somewhat of a "vacation" too?
Obviously not sure where they are, so if it's a totally crappy city with absolutely nothing to do, I realize that this may not work as an "actual" vacation.
They are very near wine country, which is great, except toddler, haha. But DH does have friends in the area he would like to see.
Then I would do that. Fit in a couple of visits with the IL's, a couple with friends, and see how the rest goes. Can toddlers go on wine tours?.... Ha ha.
Can you go for say 5 days, stay at a hotel (not everybody, just the 3 of you), take the time to visit with them a few times during your stay, but also spend some time sightseeing or something so it makes it somewhat of a "vacation" too?
Obviously not sure where they are, so if it's a totally crappy city with absolutely nothing to do, I realize that this may not work as an "actual" vacation.
They are very near wine country, which is great, except toddler, haha. But DH does have friends in the area he would like to see.
If you do decide to go, given that they live near something fun AND DH has friends he wants to visit, I'd make the trip but only carve out time on one day (and maybe a meal) for them. Spend the rest of your time vacationing, visiting DH's friends, etc. Ask DH's friends for recommendations for a sitter and have a sitter come stay with your DD while you guys go out. I wouldn't make the entire time revolve around your ILs.
I am not going to lie- it will be a sucky trip on so many levels but I think you need to go.
Here is why. It isn't about them it is about your DD and getting to meet her grandmother and see her grandfather again. As you mentioned they are older and you don't know how much time they may be around more. Yes, it is crappy the way they are acting but that is their choice. Right now your daughter doesn't have the ability to make the choice of seeing or not seeing them and she needs you guys to make it happen. As she gets older and she decides that the fact they don't make much of an effort to see her is crappy and she doesn't want reciprocate then she can but now she can't do that.
I get really annoyed with my mother who makes no effort with M but I still think it is important for him to look back and at least remember some time he spend with his grandparents. As much time as my mom is just a sh*t there are those moments when they are interacting and I truly hope he remembers those times.
So I realize it isn't a fun way for you spend your vacation but in the grand scheme of things it is 6 days.
I would go to support your H and also to facilitate a relationship with your daughters' grandparents. I sympathize was you though. They don't sound like the nicest people in the world I would probably be gritting my teeth the whole time in your shoes.
Post by chickens987 on Jul 31, 2015 9:55:52 GMT -5
There's a lot of complicated stuff here, I am sorry. Here's what I would do if I were in your situation - I'd go for a long weekend (better to not allow much time to adjust to the new time zone before flying home), stay in a hotel (jr suite or just share one room), and plan for 2-3 visits with ILs (breakfast out, dinner etc) with some "fun" stuff scheduled in there too.
My 2 cents as the spouse of someone whose family lives far away - I try to support H as much as I can, and be positive and supportive when it comes to trips to visit them. Trips that require some level of emotional support, I will always go with him. I know we have a very different relationship with ILs than you do, but I do think family is important, and I think G might regret it if something happens to his mom and she's never met A.
I think my grandpa died when I was about 7 or 8. I met him a few times - much more when I was a baby, but then he moved a 12 hour car ride away and we visited a handful of times before his death.
I appreciate the couple of stories my mom tells about him interacting with me, but I have zero memories of him that I care about. And that doesn't bother me. The man was over 80 when I was born.
This is *not* about your kid. Your kid won't remember any of this long term. It's about your DH and if he wants to put the effort in for his parents, knowing that they are what they are. Your MIL sounds like her health problems are mental ones, and those aren't likely to change.
Post by chickens987 on Jul 31, 2015 10:01:57 GMT -5
@marshmallows, she sounds pretty terrible, BUT...I think it's super important that we allow our kids to form their own relationships with/impression of people we may not like. FIL irritates me to no end often, and I was a little pleased when DD first met him and didn't take to him. But somehow she's come around to adoring him, and it makes me really happy that even at barely 3, she is so clearly able to establish those relationships. And her enthusiasm brings out something in him I've never seen before too, it's very sweet.
I am not going to lie- it will be a sucky trip on so many levels but I think you need to go.
Here is why. It isn't about them it is about your DD and getting to meet her grandmother and see her grandfather again. As you mentioned they are older and you don't know how much time they may be around more. Yes, it is crappy the way they are acting but that is their choice. Right now your daughter doesn't have the ability to make the choice of seeing or not seeing them and she needs you guys to make it happen. As she gets older and she decides that the fact they don't make much of an effort to see her is crappy and she doesn't want reciprocate then she can but now she can't do that.
I get really annoyed with my mother who makes no effort with M but I still think it is important for him to look back and at least remember some time he spend with his grandparents. As much time as my mom is just a sh*t there are those moments when they are interacting and I truly hope he remembers those times.
So I realize it isn't a fun way for you spend your vacation but in the grand scheme of things it is 6 days.
I think this is a really valid point.
In my most emotionally raw times, I feel rejected by MIL and I want to protect DD from feeling that way, too. But this is a good counterpoint to those feelings.
My mom had a terrible relationship with her mom, and that carried over to our relationship with her too. In some ways it sucked, but mostly it served as a really great life lesson that sometimes people are just assholes and there's nothing you can do or say to change it, so be confident in yourself and realize that it doesn't make you a bad person.
Essentially, my grandma was the first bully I ever dealt with. Awesome!
Team Brie. I don't think you HAVE to go and I really don't think your H does either. That said, I'd leave it up to him but I personally wouldn't put forth the extra time/money/effort if there obviously isn't effort on their part as well.
It sounds like this trip is more for your H than for your kid. And that's ok. I like the idea of staying in a hotel and making it a pseudo-vacation. Then you can have other things to look forward to, but still get some family time in.
My dad's mom basically wanted nothing to do with my brother and I and I was OK with that. We still saw her but the explanation that she wasn't a kid person was a valid one for me.
@marshmallows, she sounds pretty terrible, BUT...I think it's super important that we allow our kids to form their own relationships with/impression of people we may not like. FIL irritates me to no end often, and I was a little pleased when DD first met him and didn't take to him. But somehow she's come around to adoring him, and it makes me really happy that even at barely 3, she is so clearly able to establish those relationships. And her enthusiasm brings out something in him I've never seen before too, it's very sweet.
This required multiple meetings, yes?
I feel like many people are overlooking the fact that this one trip may be the last. Or there may be one more in 4 years. That's not enough to form a relationship.
It happened over facetime, really. One visit she didn't want anything to do with him, next time we saw them in person (six months later) she ran right up to him.
Post by shellbear09 on Jul 31, 2015 10:11:14 GMT -5
I would probably make an effort to do it once but also plan other stuff for just you guys so it is not miserable. I would stay in a hotel and visit them a couple times at their house. I am not sure what the adjoining rooms is for? I also think it is fine if your H is willing to go without you but not if it is a point of contention between you two.
Post by jeaniebueller on Jul 31, 2015 10:11:52 GMT -5
I would go and just deal with it, even though its totally not ideal. Stay in a hotel FOR SURE. The only reason I would go is because at some point, DD might ask about her grandmother and grandfather and I wouldn't want DD to feel upset that *they* never chose to meet her, KWIM? Even though its a check the box kind of visit. And drink lots of wine. I am sorry. Not the same, but my brother has never met DD and hasn't seen DS in about 2 years, so I get the feeling.