@marshmallows, she sounds pretty terrible, BUT...I think it's super important that we allow our kids to form their own relationships with/impression of people we may not like. FIL irritates me to no end often, and I was a little pleased when DD first met him and didn't take to him. But somehow she's come around to adoring him, and it makes me really happy that even at barely 3, she is so clearly able to establish those relationships. And her enthusiasm brings out something in him I've never seen before too, it's very sweet.
This required multiple meetings, yes?
I feel like many people are overlooking the fact that this one trip may be the last. Â Or there may be one more in 4 years. Â That's not enough to form a relationship.
I think the trip is probably more about the husband than the daughter. She is his mother and he probably has complicated feelings about that given how poorly she has treated his wife and daughter in the past. My H would tell me it's ok but to come but I know he'd secretly prefer for me to go so I would. But @marshmallows if your H really truly doesn't care if you go or not then I would use work as an excuse and not feel guilty. You obv know him better than we do
She sounds terrible. I would go out to a place you want to go in wine country and meet up with her once. Its important to your DH so compromise by doing a family trip and allowing them in to small aspects of it.
On another note that was brought up. My dad was a pretty bad dad. He called occasionally and spoke with me and DD but never made a ton of effort. He just never realized his own assyness (new word). He passed away a year ago when DD was 1.5. I feel bad for him that he never got to meet my amazing daughter but in no way do I feel bad for her or feel like she missed out on anything. She has a ton of people in her life who want to go out of their way to meet her and be with her. Those people are the important people. I would do what you need to do to satisfy your husbands needs on this but dont do it for some guilt you may think you or she will have. Its one meeting. I truly believe family is the people you choose to be with and not the people you were born into or married into.
I wouldn't - especially based on your last update, unless it was REALLY important to your H. Then, I would do the hotel/vacation thing with a visit for a meal thrown in.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to create loving extended families - because we're supposed to, not because it's what's best for us or our children. Somewhere along the way it's become one more thing that we have to work at.
Your DD won't remember this visit; it's not for her (and it doesn't sound like it's for your MIL either, honestly). Based on your past experiences, I wouldn't be surprised if she cancelled on you after you put in all this effort to plan the trip, IMHO.
Check VRBO and AirBNB and see if you can rent a condo instead of a hotel room.
We did make our "go see grandpa" trips into vacations (he lived in the mountains), and they were fun. If you can turn this into a trip with some parts to look forward to, then it's worth it.
Yeah, this is pushing me into the "newp" camp as well. But the promise of vineyards and your DH's friends still tips the scales in favor of your DH going.
Post by hopecounts on Jul 31, 2015 10:29:55 GMT -5
This is about your husband and what he needs from you. Personally as the one with a shitty parent I really appreciate when my DH sucks it up and is there for me when I see my Dad. Having him there to help me (emotionally/with DD/etc) means a lot and makes a rough thing a bit easier for me. If your H needs/wants to do this so HE has the memories of his daughter meeting his Mom I'd suck it up and go if you can. I'd make it a fun trip and do food and wine stuff with some visiting thrown in. Get a hotel 'suite' or something similar and have your own space and just meet up with the ILs a couple/few times.
Are they begging for you to visit? I didn't see that part.
Aren't you leaving out teh part of the story where you went to California for a wedding and made plans to see them and they ditched you at the last minute?
My FIL refuses to fly because of unspecified health issues. We know that he will never come to our current city (2k+ miles from where he lives). He's less crazy than your MIL, but we did want him to meet DD, so here's what we did: we flew to visit the ILs, stayed with them for two nights, and then drove to wine country by ourselves for a few more nights. We had a fabulous time, and took DD to a bunch of wineries, even though I was still breastfeeding. She was fine, and it was awesome.
Instead of planning a 5 day trip to see them, can you tack it on to a vacation for your family that you would actually enjoy? Think of the vacation as your reward for putting up with the ILs.
Post by gibbinator on Jul 31, 2015 10:41:04 GMT -5
How about your dh takes vacation and goes alone to visit. Then when he comes home you encourage him to take a real vacation, like a weekend away alone or with some friends. Its his parents so find out if he's for real Ok going alone. If so, let him go, if not, and he really wants to do this trip, I think suck it up this one time.
Eta: Does she ever fly? Is she maybe terrified of planes and jsut making poor excuses? Obviously the "don't come visit me after you've already flown here" reads more like she's a jerk, but I do know plenty of people who drive for 5 days before flying.
I would not feel obligated to go. If your husband does, it's fine if he takes the baby by himself or you can go and mostly work from your hotel and help with morning routine/bedtime and let them do their thing during most days.
Does MIL have social anxiety or depression? It sounds like she does.
Post by hbomdiggity on Jul 31, 2015 10:46:01 GMT -5
I would probably go out of guilt, but I disagree with the following:
- you don't have to stay 5 days - I would def get a hotel room, but look into a suite. Let alone the childproofing, you are not close enough to these people to be with them 24/7.
I would also consider making the visit part of a bigger vacation. It puts a lot of pressure on it when the focus is on a visit with a strained relationship. It may be easier to consider it a trip to x, with a stop at the ILs. Visit with them 1 or 2 days and the remainder is just the 3 of you exploring nearby city/sites.
Can you go for say 5 days, stay at a hotel (not everybody, just the 3 of you), take the time to visit with them a few times during your stay, but also spend some time sightseeing or something so it makes it somewhat of a "vacation" too?
Obviously not sure where they are, so if it's a totally crappy city with absolutely nothing to do, I realize that this may not work as an "actual" vacation.
This is what I would do.
I think you should go. They are older so I can sort of see why they don't want to travel cross country. It sucks and is a burden on you. But just because they are not willing to visit doesn't mean you shouldn't visit them. The street goes both ways. Both of you being too stubborn to go across country doesn't solve anything.
It sounds like she had some mental health issues preventing her from traveling. It sounds important to your husband for them to meet, so I would work with him. You have the expectation that it's going to suck, so that's good you aren't expecting puppies and rainbows but at the same time a lot of these visits rise to your expectations. I think going for a long weekend and staying a hotel is a great compromise in supporting your husband, especially if you work in some fun time. Kids love running around vineyards!
The only thing I can add right now- clearly this is more about your DH than anything else. You mentioned that he wants to 'fix' things. Here is my advice- whatever you do (go, don't go, send him w/o you) - you've got to work on this idea of his. You've got to start helping him set REALISTIC expectations. Because if you don't, he's going to go on this trip and come home even more disappointed than before. This trip WILL NOT fix anything. It just won't. Your DH needs to accept that. He needs to start looking at his parents for who they ARE, not for who he WANTS them to be.
To me, this is really the biggest issue here. If he could approach this from a realistic standpoint, he could then make realistic decisions. He may still want to go - but perhaps more from a "so at least I can SAY they met" place instead of where he is right now. Or he may decide not to go at all.
But regardless - you need to help him be realistic about this.
She has issues you can't fix. If this is important to your H, he should go. I would only go if he explicitly asked me to. I would spend no more than 2 days with them and staying in their house would not be an option.
I take my two kids at least twice a year from the east coast to wine country by myself - your husband can do it with no problem. But it's one of my favorite parts of the country so I wouldn't skip an opportunity to go
If it was me, I would go for a week, and plan it as a vacation. See the in laws a few times over the week. Send your H to see them more often if he wants to.
I have taken my kids for as short as 4 days but much shorter than that is tough for us.
If you want to be more specific about where you will be staying (feel free to pm me) I would be happy to share all of the kid-friendly things that we do.
I am not going to lie- it will be a sucky trip on so many levels but I think you need to go.
Here is why. It isn't about them it is about your DD and getting to meet her grandmother and see her grandfather again. As you mentioned they are older and you don't know how much time they may be around more. Yes, it is crappy the way they are acting but that is their choice. Right now your daughter doesn't have the ability to make the choice of seeing or not seeing them and she needs you guys to make it happen. As she gets older and she decides that the fact they don't make much of an effort to see her is crappy and she doesn't want reciprocate then she can but now she can't do that.
I get really annoyed with my mother who makes no effort with M but I still think it is important for him to look back and at least remember some time he spend with his grandparents. As much time as my mom is just a sh*t there are those moments when they are interacting and I truly hope he remembers those times.
So I realize it isn't a fun way for you spend your vacation but in the grand scheme of things it is 6 days.
Hate to break it to you, but your 2.5 year old will remember nothing. If I were doing it for memories, I'd save the trip until my kid was 5. Also, relationships don't happen over one visit.
I am not stupid enough to think that my kid is going to remember being with his grandparents when he was 2.5. But kids do remember interaction to interaction. I can tell you that M is much more comfortable and interacts with my parents who is sees every couple of months and through facetime with way better then he does with my IL's who he hasn't seen since xmas and I can't remember the last time he faced time. My point is that in getting to meet her grandmother she may feel more comfortable facetiming with her the next time or feel more comfortable the next time they go out to visit until she is old enough to understand and verbalize whether she wants to have a relationship with this person.
If your husband wants your DD to meet his mom, make it happen at least once if you think time isn't on your side. Take some pictures. That way she will have some memory to reference when she's a little older and her friends are talking about all the stuff their grandparents are doing with them. She will know she also met her grandma once too, isn't that cool, that's the woman who raised her dad! (assuming she was a decent mom to your husband) She'll also be old enough to understand that some people get sick and can't travel. Why didn't we go see her more often? Because it was very far away.
My two cents as someone who can count on one hand the number of times I saw my grandparents, and my much younger brother saw them even fewer times than me.
1) Do not make it a vacation. Join your DH, get a hotel, and honestly, it's a long flight but stay in town 1, maybe 2 nights, and leave. Suck it up so you don't have regrets years from now. You can't turn back time, and in my experience, it can be worth it for your inner self to go out of your way for shitty family just that once. (I have a really bad relationship with my parents, and make a point to get some good pictures when we are there. Visits are very infrequent, and incredibly short.)
2) If you think your husband is serious about taking DD, and WILL NOT resent you after the fact, let him go. But if he's like my DH, I can see him being really annoyed that I took him up on a crazy offer. A visit like this could require some emotional support for both spouses. And if he's not the "default parent" (if you spend more time with your DD) I can see flying being an overwhelming experience solo.
In your shoes, I'd go too. Try thinking of it as a trip to SF/wine country with a side of the inlaws instead of a Huge Inlaw Thing. Check the box and get the picture with grandma. Maybe there is satisfaction to be had in being the bigger person. That could be something to look forward to, right?!
Your MIL sounds like a peach but I wouldn't overlook possible anxiety/health issues/simply being terribly set in her own ways. I remember visiting my grandmother on a whim once and she went on and on about what an imposition it must have been to me to travel to her, and I couldn't understand it. Only much later did I see that for her to make the same trip, she would be worried for weeks about driving on the highway and what to do if the car broke down and where to get gas along the way and possible bad weather and what might happen if she misplaced her glasses or dentures and picking the outfit she wore and gift she brought, etc. A trip was a really big deal.
Post by oceanstbride on Jul 31, 2015 21:10:55 GMT -5
First of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. My MIL is similar in that she has made no effort to call or visit in the last 2 years (but then has high expectations for my H to bring DS to visit her...that's a whole other story). While, I agree that you are in no way obligated to help foster a relationship between her and your DD, it does sound like it's important to your H that your DD at least meets her.
I would definitely stay in a hotel. Have you ever had DD sleep in the bathroom? We will usually ask for a handicapped accessible room a few days before or at check in (as to not take an accessible room away from someone who actually needs it) and then there's plenty of room to put a PNP in the bathroom.
I think you either make it the shortest trip possible and just visit them 1-2 times over 2-3 days or you make a "vacation" out of it and still only see them 1-2 times. Your comment about feeling rejected by your MIL and wanting to prevent your DD feeling that way really resonated with me. Even if you go, definitely set some boundaries. ((Hugs))
Go. Just put on your big girl panties and go. The stories you mentioned are annoying and your MIL may very well be BSC, but it doesn't point to her being a bad mom or a toxic person (if she is toxic in other ways than obviously you don't go). Let your DH get to have no regrets, that is a gift to him. If he is truly serious about taking her himself, I would probably entertain it lol, but I think going with him and letting him focus on his visit without the added stress of solo parenting is the right thing to do. And regardless of what others think I do think it's about your DD too. Let her get her picture with one of the only two grandmothers she has. MIL seems to love her even if she can't really relate to her, right? That's ok. She can look back and know she had that.
I think I will wind up going, just to support DH and to be there to neutralize any fights (the ILs argue terribly and I'd like to keep it away from DD) but your post brought up an interesting question aside from that. Do you think MIL can love someone she has only had 20 5 minute conversations with over 3 years? I'm not really sure of the answer.
Does it matter if she loves her if she is only going to meet her once for a very short time? I think the only thing that matters is what your husband desires so there are no regrets.
Your update makes me want to say no. Your MIL sounds horrible.
If you do go, I'd plan a true vacation and just spend a couple mornings with them at the end.
There are certain Residence Inns that have what they call Penthouse Suites. They have one bedroom behind doors off the living room and then upstairs is a loft bedroom. Not all of them are set up that way, it's the ones that have seperate buildings instead of one large hotel.