Post by simpsongal on Jul 31, 2015 10:51:31 GMT -5
OP made me wonder, do you think there's a protocol for using the name of a tragically deceased family member? E.g., someone that died young, suddenly, or under suspicious circumstances? Basically, a scenario that makes the name sort of painful to hear.
Do you know of any examples? Perhaps where use of the name was a faux pas? Or the opposite, a great tribute or means of healing?
If we have another girl, DH wants to name her after his niece, who died as a baby. DH thinks his brother will appreciate it, but if we decide to use it I'm going to insist DH discuss it with his brother first; I'd hate to cause him pain over it.
My cousin named her first child after her H's friend who died in an accident (he was late teens, maybe early 20s at the time).
Her H and the deceased were very close. I thought it was a sweet tribute. I tend to think that you name for someone as a way of saying "I hope my kid turns out as awesome as you." Friend was someone that they wanted their daughter to emulate; they wanted his spirit to live on through her.
Anyway, I didn't think it was strange. Don't know if it matters, but because the deceased was male and the baby female, it is not exactly the same name. Maybe that avoided the scenario of it being "too painful to hear the name".
Post by simpsongal on Jul 31, 2015 11:01:08 GMT -5
I'll add mine - my Aunt (mom's sister) died relatively young after a struggle w/cancer. My brother named his daughter after her (and someone else too, of the same name). I think my mom avoids saying my niece's name b/c it's painful for her to say her sister's name. I had encouraged my brother to use it as a middle name, but they declined.
I hope my mom can think of the name as her granddaughter but I wonder whether she'll ever be able to say that name w/o thinking of her sister and feeling sad.
One of my closest childhood friends passed away and I've considered using her name off and on over the years. We shared a middle name so that would be my instinct.
I'm pretty convinced we will have two boys though so it'll be OBE.
My in laws had a baby who died before MH was born. So he should have an older brother. The family very rarely (like once every five years) mentions him, though MIL mentioned it briefly to me when I was pregnant. MH wanted to use his brother's name for DS1. I wasn't strongly opposed but didn't really want to. A) I didn't love the name itself, though I'm sure it would have grown on me. B) I felt like it was rude? Like, here's our healthy baby boy named after your baby boy that didn't live. It felt insensitive. And C) I didn't feel like we could do that without asking permission from MIL and FIL. MH agonized over it but finally didn't feel comfortable asking, so we chose a different family name from their side.
I have two scenarios on either side of my family where someone died young (one from a heart condition, one from a car accident). It was sort of an unspoken rule that in one case the daughters and in the other case the sister had first dibs to use either the first or middle name of the deceased as a first name. We cousins could use either name as a middle name. Our families tend to share a small handful of middle names anyway becase everyone uses a family name.
Post by matildasun on Jul 31, 2015 11:07:32 GMT -5
PDQ My husband's brother died of cancer at 6. My husband was 8. My husband's paternal cousin named her son after him, she used his whole name. It really upset my mother-in-law. She holds a grudge about it still and the kid in question is a teenager/20 year old. The paternal side of the family thought/thinks it was a great tribute.
We did not name M after him for fear it would upset my mil, and because my H would have had a hard time with it. His brother's death is not something he has an easy time discussing. Us not doing it upset the paternal aunts.
Post by Velar Fricative on Jul 31, 2015 11:26:43 GMT -5
I know what you name your kid is your decision, but I personally would ask the appropriate person if they'd feel okay about us naming a baby after their deceased loved one, even if it's a middle name. Some might find it to be a wonderful tribute, but others might still think the thought is nice but it would be upsetting for them.
I do know people who have named their children after deceased loved ones but I'm not super close with any of them to know if they asked if it was okay to do or not.
My grandmother lost her second son a few days after birth back in the 1950's and was completely devastated by it (mental hospital); had two more children afterwards (my uncles). The middle uncle did use that son's name, and I think it was cleared by her and healing in a way. It used to be the 'thing that was not mentioned' in our family for decades, and now she's even brought it up a few times. I think it depends on the situation of the death, the timing, the family dynamics, and if there's a way to ask permission.
If we have another girl, DH wants to name her after his niece, who died as a baby. DH thinks his brother will appreciate it, but if we decide to use it I'm going to insist DH discuss it with his brother first; I'd hate to cause him pain over it.
That is so sweet of him, but as someone whose nephew is going to pass away soon, I would recommend only asking to use it as a middle name unless he is is super sure they both would love it. My BIL and SIL want to make sure we talk about/remember the baby so we want to make sure he is the only kid with that name in our family. When it's the same generation of kids, it can feel like more of a painful reminder/taking their place than a sweet tribute.
If we have another girl, DH wants to name her after his niece, who died as a baby. DH thinks his brother will appreciate it, but if we decide to use it I'm going to insist DH discuss it with his brother first; I'd hate to cause him pain over it.
That is so sweet of him, but as someone whose nephew is going to pass away soon, I would recommend only asking to use it as a middle name unless he is is super sure they both would love it. My BIL and SIL want to make sure we talk about/remember the baby so we want to make sure he is the only kid with that name in our family. When it's the same generation of kids, it can feel like more of a painful reminder/taking their place than a sweet tribute.
Yeah, it seems different in my mind to name a baby after someone who died as a baby. Like we didn't even have the chance to get to know the original Sarah (for instance), and now there's a new one.
Not sure if this is a real distinction or just in my head.
If we have another girl, DH wants to name her after his niece, who died as a baby. DH thinks his brother will appreciate it, but if we decide to use it I'm going to insist DH discuss it with his brother first; I'd hate to cause him pain over it.
That is so sweet of him, but as someone whose nephew is going to pass away soon, I would recommend only asking to use it as a middle name unless he is is super sure they both would love it. My BIL and SIL want to make sure we talk about/remember the baby so we want to make sure he is the only kid with that name in our family. When it's the same generation of kids, it can feel like more of a painful reminder/taking their place than a sweet tribute.
I'm sorry for what your family is dealing with. DH's niece passed away about 20 years ago, so it feels a little different. BIL and niece's mom never married and are no longer in contact. But yes, we'll definitely make sure BIL is fully onboard before we decide to use it (and we may not have another girl, in which case it'll be a moot point).
ETA: She passed away at 4 months and DH's mom took care of her full time while DH was a kid living at home, so DH was really close to her.
My brother used my uncles name for his sons middle name. My uncle passed away very young from a gun shot wound. The situation behind his death was always very terrible for my mom because she knew it could have been prevented. But 30 years had passed and everyone in the family thinks its great he is named after him.
So my SS answer is let some time pass but then go for it.
My cousin named his son (3rd kid) after his brother. The brother had died in a car accident the week before the baby was born so it was a pretty quick decision to name him. Every time I hear them talk about the kid I always think of my cousin and how he died. 9 years later it still is a big reminder, I am not sure how my aunt feels about it. It was a pretty tragic accident where he was the drunk driver. I think it would have been better to have used his name as a middle name instead.
Post by cricketwife on Jul 31, 2015 12:00:28 GMT -5
H really likes the name "Susie" and told me that once. I later learned that "susie" is the name of his sister who died at age 5, before he was even born. I don't like the name " Susie" so I wouldn't even consider it, but he would have liked to name a girl that. There is a lot of hurt and guilt surrounding her death and I feel like it would be a burden to name a child a name associated with so much pain in his family.
A coworker named her son after her H's brother, who had died tragically young. I think it was expected and welcomed. She was just glad their first child was a girl, since I believe the death was still recent at the time and her MIL would have gone off the deep end if her for grandchild was a boy.
My brother is a III, born months after my grandfather died at age 57. It was actually my mom's idea. I think my dad was touched
My nephew is named after my uncle who drowned at the age of 21. It was my grandpa and great-grandpa's name as well. My mom had been planning to use it had either myself or my sister been boys and I know she was really touched when her grandson was given the name. She's said to me that she is really happy to have someone by that name in the family again.
ETA: I don't know if it changes anything but my uncle went by a nn and my nephew does not.
My BFF is pregnant and naming her new son after her DH's brother, who killed himself 4 years ago. It's a very common name, like Andrew, and it was Her DH's brother, she also has a brother with the same name, and it's my DH's name as well.
She's not thrilled about it but her DH feels very strongly and she does like the name a lot, so she's doing it.
My aunt (my dad's sister) and uncle lost their son when he was 18 months old as the result of an accident at their house. Roughly 10 years later, my uncle (dad's brother)and aunt decided to give their soon to be son the same name but got the okay from my aunt and uncle first. The name was also the name of their (aunt, uncle, and my dad's) father so it had that tie in as well.
Along the same lines, the same aunt and uncle's first daughter was stillborn at full term and they named her after aunt's mom (my grandma). They went on to have three more kids, my daughters and their son who died when he was a toddler. Their older daughter named her daugher after her older sister and our grandma, with my aunt's blessing.
My MN is for one of my mom's sisters that was stillborn (she had 2). My grandmother always wanted a daughter with that name, so my mom gave it to me as my MN to honor my grandmother. It's now E's MN.
I don't know that I would do a first name. To me, if that person dies in a way that causes remembrance, then that name should almost remain sacred as a first name within the family.
I know this isn't the same because my dad's death wasn't "tragic" (died from lung cancer at 75), but I was worried about naming M after him and asked about it on here. (I know he was "old," but the whole disease and death process was very traumatic for me.) Even though he died three years before I was pregnant, my emotions were very raw when I was pregnant, and I worried that I would get sad every time I said M's name. In fact, I don't. I think about my dad sometimes, but it's mostly ok and I'm very happy that we named M after him. Maybe it is also this way partially because it's a very common name, and we call M by his full name while my dad was a nickname.
I'll add mine - my Aunt (mom's sister) died relatively young after a struggle w/cancer. My brother named his daughter after her (and someone else too, of the same name). I think my mom avoids saying my niece's name b/c it's painful for her to say her sister's name. I had encouraged my brother to use it as a middle name, but they declined.
I hope my mom can think of the name as her granddaughter but I wonder whether she'll ever be able to say that name w/o thinking of her sister and feeling sad.
I have a similar story. If this baby is a girl, she will be named after my aunt. It will not be the exact name, but a derivative. When we were thinking of using the same name, I wanted to use a different nickname than the one my aunt went by.
Though I have not discussed this with my father or grandfather, I (perhaps naively?) feel confident that they would consider it an honor. They still inadvertently call me by her name all the time and I suspect they would find it appropriate that my daughter was named after her.
My older twin middle name is after a co-worker friend who was killed around the time I was going through IVF #2. I like to think he pulled some strings to make it work (doubly well!).
His wife also works with me and when I told her what his name was, she was touched.
ETA, this coworker was one of the sweetest, nicest young men I had met so I would be proud if my so I turned out like him.
My husbands sister died of melanoma at age 28. We got pregnant about 9 months later and used her first name as my daughters middle name. It felt right, especially finding out she was a girl it was very special for us and for my husband's family. I knew the instant I was pregnant that I wanted to honor her in some way.
Post by greencrayon on Jul 31, 2015 12:48:41 GMT -5
PDQ -
A's middle name is Cassandra. Combination of Kay & Sandra. Kay committed suicide in front of STBXMIL while I was pregnant, and Sandy died of cancer before I got pregnant. We wouldn't have used it as the first name, but I feel good knowing she's named after two people who would have loved her.
I'll add mine - my Aunt (mom's sister) died relatively young after a struggle w/cancer. My brother named his daughter after her (and someone else too, of the same name). I think my mom avoids saying my niece's name b/c it's painful for her to say her sister's name. I had encouraged my brother to use it as a middle name, but they declined.
I hope my mom can think of the name as her granddaughter but I wonder whether she'll ever be able to say that name w/o thinking of her sister and feeling sad.
Did he know it would be painful for your mother?
I think if I knew it would be painful for a family member like it is for your mother I might reconsider, or use it as a middle name. I don't know. The deceased people J is named after are all grandfather's who died in old age so we never faced this. And the girls are after my living mother and sister.