s/o naming LO after tragically deceased family

[simpsongal]

Jul 31, 2015 12:52:26 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Jul 31, 2015 11:01:08 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Did he know it would be painful for your mother?

I think if I knew it would be painful for a family member like it is for your mother I might reconsider, or use it as a middle name. I don't know. The deceased people J is named after are all grandfather's who died in old age so we never faced this. And the girls are after my living mother and sister.

I don't think he really considered it (except that I gently mentioned it).  When I say she passed young, I mean middle aged.  She also had three kids who are starting to have their own kids.  Sometimes I wonder if they thought it was odd.

But as I said, there was another family member on his girlfriend's side too with the same name, so it wasn't just our Aunt.  Still, I feel a little bad when mom calls my niece "the little girl."

[karinothing]

DS2's middle name is my mom'a maiden name. If we had a girl I was going to use her name as the middle name. I feel like first is too hard.

[barefootcontessa]

My son is named for my DH's cousin, who was his best friend.  He did at age 20 year from cancer.  Everyone thought it was a nice tribute, including his parents. 

[heygrey]

Jul 31, 2015 11:30:28 GMT -5 krystee said:

That is so sweet of him, but as someone whose nephew is going to pass away soon, I would recommend only asking to use it as a middle name unless he is is super sure they both would love it. My BIL and SIL want to make sure we talk about/remember the baby so we want to make sure he is the only kid with that name in our family. When it's the same generation of kids, it can feel like more of a painful reminder/taking their place than a sweet tribute.

i was trying think of a good way to put this earlier and couldn't find the right words, but you (and rbp) hit it exactly. my cousin lost a son at 8 weeks to SIDS and it would just feel so wrong to give another baby in his generation (which is my kid(s) generation) the same name because i would feel like we're trying to replace him. there is no personality to remember or great attributes to emulate. 

[Deleted]

My BFF's MIL was murdered in a mass shooting years ago. Their daughter's middle name was her MIL's first name. Her Niece's middle name is also the MIL's name. For them, it was just what they always planned and is a tribute to her.

[jeaniebueller]

Jul 31, 2015 10:56:40 GMT -5 nessness said:

If we have another girl, DH wants to name her after his niece, who died as a baby. DH thinks his brother will appreciate it, but if we decide to use it I'm going to insist DH discuss it with his brother first; I'd hate to cause him pain over it.

Definitely talk to them about it. it would be upsetting to me if my brother or sister named their baby girl after my late DD.

[Patsy Stone]

PDQ
my son is named after my husband's father who committed suicide. If anyone had an issue, we've never heard about it.

[ax2]

We named ds after DH's brother who died of cancer when they were kids. His parents were incredibly touched and en though they cried, love it.

[catsarecute]

Not a family member but if we would have had a boy, his middle name would have been the same as my husband's BFF who died at 28 years old after short battle with an illness. My husband's first and middle names are from his two uncles that died tragically and at a young-ish age.

I think giving someone the name of someone is a wonderful tribute, even if the death is deemed tragic or premature.

[ilikedonuts]

Jul 31, 2015 12:56:17 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

Jul 31, 2015 12:52:26 GMT -5 @awinter said:

Did he know it would be painful for your mother?

I think if I knew it would be painful for a family member like it is for your mother I might reconsider, or use it as a middle name. I don't know. The deceased people J is named after are all grandfather's who died in old age so we never faced this. And the girls are after my living mother and sister.

I don't think he really considered it (except that I gently mentioned it).  When I say she passed young, I mean middle aged.  She also had three kids who are starting to have their own kids.  Sometimes I wonder if they thought it was odd.

So basically now her own children can't name their daughter after their mother because your brother used it? How did your brother not realize that was not a good idea on top of you saying your mother might have an issue with it as well??

[anaps28]

My Mom had a brother who died suddenly when she was 5 and he 7. She used his name for my oldest brothers middle name.

[loskadoodle]

My older sister passed away at 4 from a heart condition related to downs. If we had a girl, we would have used her name as a middle name.

[faith194]

My husbands's uncle died in a plane crash(along with his wife and three children). This happened in the 80s, before I met DH. We wanted to honor him, but knew the family was very particular about names. We didn't want to step on any toes. His uncle's first name is my dh's middle name, which we did not use. We used his uncle's middle name for DS' first name. For DS' middle name, we used my FIL's name(which also includes a great grandfather, two uncles, and one great uncle).

Anyway, we did talk to my FIL before we did it, as it was his brother.

Oh, and my mother gave birth to my sister at 24 weeks(she also had neural tube defects). She obviously did not live, as this was the mid-80s. We may, if we ever have a daughter, use her name in some way. I would talk with my mom first, though.

[KKD]

I think it's so dependent on each particular loss, and I also suspect that using a name for a child of the same generation is more likely to be painful. I think using a middle name can be a nice tribute when a first name would be too much of a constant reminder.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my cousin Joey died in a tragic car accident on his way to work for our family business, where I was also working at the time. H and I found out the following week that we were having a girl and decided to use Josephine as her middle name. His mother, my godmother, was touched; she's the one person besides me who likes to call my daughter Katie Jo.

[fortnightlily]

DS is named after DH's brother, who died tragically in the military 20 years ago or so. His older siblings had their kids closer to the event, so it might've been too soon for them, but I think they also figured DH would want to use the name someday.

[preppy]

DD's middle name will be after DH's best friend who died two years ago of colon cancer at 28. We wanted to honor him and love the name.

[Alyssa]

Me personally.....in that situation where the name was someone's who died young and/or tragically, I would only use it for the middle name. I would also ask for permission by other family members first.

[Myrrhine]

My grandfather was named after his older brother who had died (young) before he was born. I always thought that was kind of unpleasant. Like oh here is our replacement Anton.

All of the girls in my friend's family have the same middle name, after a great aunt who died young of a genetic disorder.

[mae141]

My brother died last year and if I get to have another kid I'd like to use his name as a middle name. I think my parents would like it.

[simpsongal]

Jul 31, 2015 15:52:26 GMT -5 ilikedonuts said:

Jul 31, 2015 12:56:17 GMT -5 simpsongal said:

I don't think he really considered it (except that I gently mentioned it).  When I say she passed young, I mean middle aged.  She also had three kids who are starting to have their own kids.  Sometimes I wonder if they thought it was odd.

So basically now her own children can't name their daughter after their mother because your brother used it? How did your brother not realize that was not a good idea on top of you saying your mother might have an issue with it as well??

He was set on it I guess.  I thought he's use it as a middle name but ended up using it as first and the other one as middle. 

I'm not sure if my cousins would have used it has a first name, probably too painful.  But if they wanted to, the cousins are all far enough away that they probably wouldn't feel pressure to avoid the name as a first or middle name. 

[Deleted]

We used my H brothers name as my daughters middle name. We didn't care that it was a boy name. My H really wanted to honour his brother. We had said if she was a boy, we would use brothers name as a first name. Several times my H has said he was glad we didn't do that.
I also feel weird when I want to use all three names. Normally when you are angry, you say 'Susan elizabeth Maren' and I feel weird only saying brothers name when I'm angry. Lol.

[rikki]

One of my close childhood friend's sister was tragically struck and killed by a drunk driver while walking home from school when we were in the first grade. She had a daughter a few years ago and gave her the same name as her sister.