Post by sewpinkgal on Jul 31, 2015 16:56:33 GMT -5
H is an attorney. He helps get the kids breakfast in the morning and talks/plays with them for a bit. He tries to get home to help with baths/bedtime and then works more after we have dinner. On the weekends he often has to work, but tries to do that during naps and at night. He'll also help with household cleaning, but grocery shopping/dr appts/laundry/etc is almost 100% on me. He is also good to do baths/bed solo if I need to run errands or something. I would like to say that I did something to make him like this, but honestly, he's just sort of wired this way.
With the hours he bills, I feel like he sees the kids/me quite a lot.
H does his own laundry, most of the yard work, takes out the trash, and occasionally cleans his bathroom. We also have a system where one of us puts the kids the bed and the other cleans the kitchen after dinner, so one of those tasks per night.
Post by georgeharrison on Jul 31, 2015 17:04:27 GMT -5
I work part time now, so it's a little different.
But I stayed at home for several years and pretty much everything fell on me. My husband likes to cook, so he would do that sometimes. He gets home early afternoon and is available, but usually playing games online, so doesn't interact much. I would say I get maybe an hour and half interaction with him/day, about the same with the kid.
We have always had dinner together (or at least try really hard to), so that's another half hour or so of interaction.
Now that I work part time, he does a little more. He cooks more often, sometimes picks up the house and/or does the dishes. I still do all the bathrooms/vacuuming/laundry. He takes out the trash most of the time.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 31, 2015 17:05:32 GMT -5
I work 30 hours a week from home, which will be ramping up to 40 hours a week later this year and our son is in FT daycare.
But H does a ton around the house. He's kicked major ass during the rougher parts of this pregnancy especially. He does the dishes and most of the laundry, the lawn, the in-person grocery shopping, and the bills. I do the general tidying up / cleaning, some of the laundry, most of the cooking, and the online grocery shopping. We both take care of the kid and bedtime. That's always a joint effort.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Jul 31, 2015 17:12:44 GMT -5
The first year was a big adjustment for us, and honestly, he doesn't do much of the day to day stuff. He'll do laundry or clean up the kitchen if I specifically ask him to. He does all the trash stuff. He'll do baths and bedtime prep, with the girls, and hangs out with them. He pretty much only sees them during work days after he gets home, for dinner and bedtime. On days when he's on a later shift, he hangs out with them before work, and will do bus stop/preschool drop off/pick up, take E to dance class, take them somewhere for lunch, or whatever.
He does other things around the house that need to be done (he's currently obsessed with water drainage and has done some work on the downspouts and underground drainage system), is in charge of the bills, and will do other odd jobs around the house. It took a while for me to step back and realize all he does do, because while it is a 50-50 split, each chore/job isn't split evenly between us. If that makes sense.
BUT
I had to spell it out to him a few times after N was born that I needed help. He didn't just see that XYZ needed to happen with the baby/house/yard. When I told him, he'd do it, and now he's more used to the routine and balance.
I feel like the working parent should contribute to the point the at home parent is satisfied. Whatever that list looks like every day. Staying home with a baby is exhausting.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 31, 2015 17:18:01 GMT -5
Oh and as awesome as my H is at doing routine stuff, I have to spell stuff out for him and play task master with additional things. His memory is crap, too, so I have to remind him what needs to get done if it's not something be ordinarily does.
I have a Cozi list I keep and he can see it, but doesn't use it like he should. I usually have to go down the list and tell him how to proceed. LOL.
I WFH, DS goes to daycare. I pick up and drop off. He watches DS while I cook dinner. He does the dishes while I give DS a bath and get him ready for bed. On weekends we trade days sleeping in.
His other chores are the lawn and trash. I handle everything else indoors. I think I have DS more on weekends because DH is busy with his hobby, we argue over that sometimes.
H has taken up a super intensive project at work. He's so busy all the time. I'm lucky that I have my mom here but she leaves in a month, so I have been wondering how I'm going to manage everything by myself. The baby doesn't sleep more than ten minutes at a time during the day and eats every couple of hours. And I very cleverly decided to take some courses this fall. I really don't know if I should enlist I'd help or if I should work out how best to do it alone. I'm not able to study in the time she sleeps because either I'm really tired or I keep getting interrupted anyway.bi really don't know what to do.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jul 31, 2015 17:22:46 GMT -5
Hmmmm. My h worked long hours but the nature of his work meant he never brought work home. He did a lot, honestly. Prob 25% of the meal prep; half if not more of the laundry, and he was a DIY god. I think I did most of the housecleaning, but he was definitely a harder worker than I. I was home until the kids were 9&10, but when I went back it was only ~20 hours per week. I had a pretty sweet gig for a while there.
ETA theres definitely some rose-colored glasses going on here, because I could not take a shit for the first few years without him calling me to hurry up because the kids needed something. Not really, but close.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 31, 2015 17:27:10 GMT -5
Can you guys afford a mother's helper during the day? Watching a baby is a full time job and you need some sleep.
Seriously, sequins. That was the hardest lesson for me to learn with K and I'm doing things differently with this one. You don't have to do and be everything. Your H needs to pick up the slack in the evenings. And if you can get extra help in the daytime, do it. Even if you just have someone come over for two hours so you can take a nap.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jul 31, 2015 17:31:20 GMT -5
Also, do you wear her? I was able to get some work done while wearing K because I didn't have much maternity leave. I took 6 weeks off and was back up and working PT right after that. We didn't have daycare yet, so I'd get stuff done while he was in the Moby. I also worked while he napped so I could also play with him while he was awake, which meant I was an utter zombie. If I could go back and do it again, I'd get someone in for 10 hours a week to just give me a break.
In the thick of it, I tend to feel like I do everything while he does nothing, but really he does a lot.
He makes the kids breakfast, unless he leaves early for the gym or work.
He also makes dinner most nights, although that is mostly because he is just about as picky as the kids (though in different ways), so it's just easier for him to do it.
He does the dishes while I supervise the playroom cleaning and get the kids bathed/showered.
He does the grocery shopping because he enjoys it and knows I tend to overspend.
He takes the trash/recycling to the curb, and he cleans the cat litter on trash day, which means it's my responsibility the rest of the week.
He pays the bills, literally and figuratively.
He will bring the kids to the basement or outside or otherwise keep them away from me if I have things to do without them interrupting me, which is probably the thing I appreciate most.
Oh, and when our kids were babies and nursing full-time, it felt even more like I really was doing everything. Like DotAndBuzz said, the first year with our first child was a major adjustment for us. The balance didn't come until our kids were older, and he could take on a bigger role in terms of feeding them meals and playing with them. I'm pretty sure all he did when our oldest was a baby was take out the trash and pay the bills.
He doesn't do a ton of housecleaning, but he does cook on the weekends and take the kids out occasionally to give me some alone time. He likes to spend time with the kids and misses it during the week. He's usually only home in time for bedtime. He puts our 9 month old to bed and I put our 4 year old to bed.
You should definitely enlist his help in any way you can. Just because he has a big project at work doesn't mean he can not do anything for the care of your infant/your sanity. You just have to figure out what that will mean for you. My husband works long hours sometimes, but when M was smaller he still helped with changing diapers, keeping him company so I could sleep/shower/eat without someone hanging on me.
It's really easy to feel resentment when you're doing all the work in caring for a tiny person. I know with my daughter I really resented my husband because he was able to be at work all day and talk to grown ups and eat lunch with both hands. You just need to figure out what will best help you and see how you two can make that work with both of your commitments.
I was solely a SAHM until DD was 2 then I started working a flexible schedule on a very part-time basis, much of which was WFH.
Being a WFH mom is not at all the same as being a SAHM. As a SAHM, you need help just so you stay sane but being a WFH mom means you are WORKING. Even if you aren't bringing in significant income (I wasn't) it's still important to do a good job for your career. Logistically, he needs to help. Trust me, I understand the busy thing. DH owns a business that was just getting off the ground when DD was born and he was working a minimum of 80 hours a week. It was very hard on both of us but he absolutely had to help around the house, help with the baby, and help at nights.
What he needs to do depends on you guys. For me, I needed a break from the baby. She was not an easy baby and doing the dishes and folding laundry was a break for me, sad as that sounds. For DH, he needed specific jobs to do. Frustrating as that was for me (I was tired of being in charge of everything!), looking back I can see that he was just tired and it's hard to walk in to a situation and know what is most helpful. Having a set list of things he did, plus anything I put on a post-it, worked for us. He was always responsible for DD's bath, which was great bonding for them.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Jul 31, 2015 17:54:28 GMT -5
Oh ((((hugs)))), that's hard. H was in residency, working 80 hours/wk + extra moonlighting hours when I had N. I understand them being completely run over by work, and having nothing left when they get home. It's hard to ask them to do things when you know they're spent. But you're spent too. That's part of having a baby under 1 - everyone is tired, and has nothing left, but somehow, someone has to get stuff done. It's so hard, and I promise it gets better!
Just be frank with him. Yes, you know he's got this work thing, but you have your class, and it's surprisingly hard to get anything done with a baby around, even though all they seem do do is eat and sleep (or sort-of sleep). Wearing her will help you be able to do things when she's awake. I found it immensely helpful for H to take N between 7-10 or 11 each night (assuming he was home then), and I'd sleep, read, take a bath, vacuum, whatever. That way they got time together, and I got time alone to do something other than hold a baby who refused to sleep and sucked at nursing.
You'll both get through this, and come out ok on the other side, it's just a bit of an adjustment to find your new balance.
DH works in finance and works fairly long hours. On a typical day he hangs with the kids for about 20 minutes in the morning while I get ready and gets breakfast on plates for them. That's it for morning. He typically doesn't get home until after bedtime for DS2 but he does usually put DS1 to bed. Weekends we pretty much split childcare 50/50 and we each have a sleep in day.
For chores...I do 99% but we also outsource a lot ( we have a cleaning lady and landscaper for example). My kids are both in school at least part time so I'm ok with doing basically all the house stuff because I have time. I only get pissed off when he ( and the kids) leave their crap everywhere and expect the cleaning fairy to get it.
I do all the kid stuff in terms of their stuff (packing it up, buying it, etc) and appointments.
He does cook a lot on weekends. He's a MUCH better cook than me .
He doesn't do indoor housework, I tend to have all of that stuff done before he gets home from work. Right now we have a house renovation going on so when he's not working his job, he's working on that. Luckily he is still very involved with our son and will bring him with him while he does outdoor chores (except when he mows the lawn), or works on the house, or does whatever he does in the garage.
I take care of everything in the house, and he takes care of everything outside the house. He gives our son a bath every night and brushes his teeth.
What I struggle with is our son will only nag me if H is home. I guess he's just used to me doing everything for him but he'll walk right by H and come open the shower door and whine and cry for me to get him water. I'm like, "uh go ask your daddy! He's right there!"
During the week he does the trash and cat litter. He'll help clean up from dinner or plays with the kids while I do it We tag team bath and bedtime so he helps with that almost every night
That's it really. On the weekends he does bigger projects and spends time with us.
Post by hopecounts on Jul 31, 2015 18:41:54 GMT -5
Minimal he will occasionally cook dinner or pick up the den. He does get DD settled in the den with juice on non-school mornings while I get my coffee and gets up with her on Saturday morning.
Post by cabbagecabbage on Jul 31, 2015 18:50:07 GMT -5
My husband works 6 days a week with commute. He's gone 11 hours but leaves early and gets home at dinner time. He typically does little housework but will do big projects and maintenance on his day off. He plays with DD at least an hour every night.
H has taken up a super intensive project at work. He's so busy all the time. I'm lucky that I have my mom here but she leaves in a month, so I have been wondering how I'm going to manage everything by myself. The baby doesn't sleep more than ten minutes at a time during the day and eats every couple of hours. And I very cleverly decided to take some courses this fall. I really don't know if I should enlist I'd help or if I should work out how best to do it alone. I'm not able to study in the time she sleeps because either I'm really tired or I keep getting interrupted anyway.bi really don't know what to do.
1) Is it too late to defer the classes?
2) Your schedule and the baby's sleep will fluctuate over the first 12-16 months. Things might look a bit better in a month.
Post by thatgirl2478 on Jul 31, 2015 19:08:51 GMT -5
Kids:
DH is usually up around 6am and out the door by 7:30. If the baby is up he takes care of her and/or brings her into our room for me to nurse. If DD1 is up early he'll make sure she gets her breakfast & will turn on PBS for her until I come down (usually around 7).
DH is home around 5pm, I try to have dinner ready so that he can play with the kids for a while after dinner. At 7pm he starts their bedtime routine - a little earlier if they need baths. They are usually in bed by 8.
Chores:
Thing he does 90% of the time : takes care of feeding the dog/cats, scooping the cat box, picking up the dog poop, mowing the lawn, taking out the trash, making beds and usually carrying the laundry up and down the stairs.
Things he does about 10% of the time: vacuum, laundry (includes folding & putting away), sweeping, dishes, cooking.
Most of the time I take care of the general day to day picking up/cleaning, dishes, lunches/dinner, weeding the garden, laundry (minus carying the baskets down), bathroom cleaning, appointment scheduling, contractor supervising, etc.
I can't complain - he does a lot of work for someone who's only home (and awake) about 6 hrs!