The hardest part for me isn't my interaction with him or the kids, it's when he doesn't understand that socializing with other people is draining on me, and that I'd prefer to just stay in. He likes to visit people when we're boating or snowmobiling. I'd rather go for a ride, stop for a fire/snack, pack up and go home. I don't want to make nice to people.
I'm the extrovert, but we have talked about this--my husband actually likes me around more than I want to be around. He basically rarely wants to see anyone else.
If you're an introvert, married to an extravert, what's that's like for you?
Mostly cool, it pushes me to try to be more outgoing which is a good thing. Occasionally EXHAUSTING.
Do you need your spouse to leave you alone, or just not demand your attention?
Just not demand my attention, I love him and love hanging out with him I just want to veg sometimes so chilling on the couch together is great as long as I can just relax with my book/the tv/phone/etc with occasional conversation.
Does your spouse's talking and need for your attention start to bother you sometimes?
It gets exhausting after a while.
Do you find it rude when someone talks to you while you're doing something like reading?
If you're an introvert, married to an extravert, what's that's like for you? - generally, it's a good thing, especially prior to kids. I border on being a hermit and dh has really encouraged me to go out and do social things I wouldn't do alone. It's convenient because he does all the small talk while I stand beside him being eye candy I've made some great friends thanks to him.
Do you need your spouse to leave you alone, or just not demand your attention? - yes and he just DOES NOT get it. He thinks that when I finally say something he just means that in that moment I need to be alone and not actively engaged. He doesn't understand that this is a daily need.
Does your spouse's talking and need for your attention start to bother you sometimes? - yes, often, especially on days where the kids are being particularly needy. As soon as I finally get the last kid in bed he's talking to me and wanting to have an engaged conversation. Or at least he wants to talk at me while I give him my undivided attention.
Do you find it rude when someone talks to you while you're doing something like reading? - not rude per se, but annoying as Hell. Especially if I say "hey, I'm going to sit on the couch an read for a bit". This is not the time to come sit with me and tell me about how well your sports team is sportsing.
Answering the last at the bottom but for the rest: I need him not to demand attention. I'm okay with us reading in the same room. I do love random nights alone, though. YES it does Yes, definitely. I hate it when people try to talk to me when I'm in my introvert zone. Overall, we mesh well because he's a shy extrovert and I'm an outgoing introvert. The hardest thing for me is when he just wants to talk and talk about his day, especially if it's while he's on his drive home. I'm like "this is my last 30 min of alone time, don't ruin it!" I did get him hooked on podcasts so that helps. Overall I just tell him I need quiet time. He doesn't take offense and responds. I am far more worries about having an extroverted kid.
Yes X 4. This is compounded by the fact that he gets a ton of alone time at home and I get none. So there is mega drama when I just want five minutes to myself. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom.
ETA: So I was getting one of my hard fought five minute breaks and DS1 found me and asked why I wasn't downstairs with DH. I said I was just relaxing. He announced he would like to relax with me. Sigh.
This is all very interesting. I am the extravert, and H and I just had a discussion about this. I told him I would leave the house more, and he's like, "No, that's not it. I like you here, but just when I'm reading don't demand my attention constantly." I suppose I understand that, but from my perspective, why are you here with me reading and expecting not to talk to me?
I will try to back off.
Do most people like to talk when they are reading?
If he's reading, he will not give you the attention that you want, so you might as well wait to talk to him at another time.
Yes X 4. This is compounded by the fact that he gets a ton of alone time at home and I get none. So there is mega drama when I just want five minutes to myself. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom.
Oh man, it was the worst when DH had every Wednesday off and I worked in an office. That night was horrible, he needed to get all of his interaction in as soon as I jumped in the door and I wanted to crawl under the covers. There was a lot of traffic on Wednesday nights Now I WFH and he's in an office which is perfect.
My H isn't an extrovert but him talking at me when I'm reading or watching something is our #1 fight. He gets annoyed that I don't immediately put it down to focus on him and I get annoyed that he's being rude by demanding my attention.
Do most people like to talk when they are reading?
If he's reading, he will not give you the attention that you want, so you might as well wait to talk to him at another time.
I am finding this! But like, why are you reading in a common space when we are hanging out?can he not do this when I'm away/asleep? (To be fair here, he stays up reading most nights because I fall asleep usually when my head hits the pillow and it takes him like an hour or so.)
I'm trying to get that he isn't being rude by engaging in a solo activity while we are together.
Do you have to be actively engaging the whole time you are together? I like spending time with my husband but I can't be "on" the whole time -- especially if I'm used to being alone for 8+ hours a day and then have a weekend with him there constantly. It's nice to do things together that aren't active engagement -- sitting on the porch, reading books, taking a walk.
Oh man phone time is our #2 fight. If he's in the car he wants to be on the phone with me whereas I enjoy just listening to music. We have compromised so he will call after he has picked up DS from daycare instead of the instant he's out of his office building.
If you're an introvert, married to an extravert, what's that's like for you? n/a DH is an introvert as well. he's still outgoing and will make small talk with people, but derives his energy from being alone or just with me. he pushes me to be better/more outgoing in social situations.
Do you need your spouse to leave you alone, or just not demand your attention? not demand my attention. one of my love languages is actually quality time, but sometimes that just means us doing our own thing in the same room.
Does your spouse's talking and need for your attention start to bother you sometimes? sometimes
Do you find it rude when someone talks to you while you're doing something like reading? yep. not just DH, anyone.
If you're an introvert, married to an extravert, what's that's like for you? Most of the time it is pretty good. I like that he takes care of the things I don't want to do Do you need your spouse to leave you alone, or just not demand your attention? YES, mostly I just need a little down time every day. Right now with him working evenings it is kind of nice because I get a couple hours to myself between DD going to bed and him getting home. Does your spouse's talking and need for your attention start to bother you sometimes? Sometimes
Do you find it rude when someone talks to you while you're doing something like reading? YES YES YES
So he needs to read on your schedule? lol. Poor guy.
It is okay to be in the same room and not be actively engaging one another. If it drives you nuts, can you set up "dates"? Like, I will leave you alone until 3:00, but then I would like to do something together or chat or whatever.
Yes X 4. This is compounded by the fact that he gets a ton of alone time at home and I get none. So there is mega drama when I just want five minutes to myself. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom.
Same here. Dh doesn't get constantly followed around the house by kids like I do plus he gets about 40min to himself every evening after he puts ds1 to bed and while I'm putting ds2 to bed. So by the time I'm finally done he's totally ready to interact and wants to talk about his day - because the kids tend to interrupt all his stories so he's bursting to talk once they're asleep.
@bunnybean, I just want to echo that being physically alone is often not necessary, it's just nice to disengage for awhile. Reading is a great way to tune out the world for a bit and it's hard to do that if someone keeps asking questions.
Do most people like to talk when they are reading?
If he's reading, he will not give you the attention that you want, so you might as well wait to talk to him at another time.
I am finding this! But like, why are you reading in a common space when we are hanging out?can he not do this when I'm away/asleep? (To be fair here, he stays up reading most nights because I fall asleep usually when my head hits the pillow and it takes him like an hour or so.)
I'm trying to get that he isn't being rude by engaging in a solo activity while we are together.
Would you prefer that he leave the room to read?
I read in common spaces because, I don't know, I live there?
Post by Queen Mamadala on Aug 1, 2015 17:51:35 GMT -5
I've often wondered about this dynamic. Excluding one person I dated briefly and a few others I met once or twice, I almost exclusively dated fellow introverts. This was a big one when I re-entered the dating scene at the end of my first marriage.
I am an extreme extrovert married to a moderate introvert.
My H is cool with hanging with me and me doing all the talking lol. I would not say I demand attention but when we are both home on a weekend or in the evenings we like to do stuff together. AFAIK my talking and desire to be with him does not bother him. I am very confident he would tell me if it did; we are both very honest with each other and my feelings aren't easily hurt so if he wants me to cool it on something he says so.
He does usually retreat to his computer to play video games while I read or listen to music in bed after we have had dinner and watched a movie or TV show together. He stays up later than me so that's his introvert time.
It also helps that I have one million billion hobbies and activities so I frequently go out and about doing things and he gets silence and down time at home. For example, in the month of August I have 5 nights out with friends currently planned and a 5 day trip for a Phish festival. (That is definitely more than the norm but I do get out way more than him and we both are happy with that.)
We both find it rude when someone talks to us when we are reading because talking to someone who is reading (without saying "Hey, do you have a second?" or something) is objectively rude.
I am an extreme extrovert married to a moderate introvert.
My H is cool with hanging with me and me doing all the talking lol. I would not say I demand attention but when we are both home on a weekend or in the evenings we like to do stuff together. AFAIK my talking and desire to be with him does not bother him. I am very confident he would tell me if it did; we are both very honest with each other and my feelings aren't easily hurt so if he wants me to cool it on something he says so.
He does usually retreat to his computer to play video games while I read or listen to music in bed after we have had dinner and watched a movie or TV show together. He stays up later than me so that's his introvert time.
It also helps that I have one million billion hobbies and activities so I frequently go out and about doing things and he gets silence and down time at home. For example, in the month of August I have 5 nights out with friends currently planned and a 5 day trip for a Phish festival. (That is definitely more than the norm but I do get out way more than him and we both are happy with that.)
We both find it rude when someone talks to us when we are reading because talking to someone who is reading (without saying "Hey, do you have a second?" or something) is objectively rude.
One thing I wish my family would get is that me, the introvert, is ok with H going out more than me. I actually love the time to myself. I just like going out less. But, when I get that urge, H is totally onboard with me getting my social time too. My sister and mom are baffled that I "allow" him to go places. He is a person, not a dog.
Introvert surrounded by extreme extroverts checking in. I get so overstimulated by all the noise and activity it gets uncomfortable for me. I really have to work at getting quiet time or I get grouchy. I love them dearly but wow do I need a break sometimes.
Yes to all. I have to consciously remember to be interested in his stories and he has to consciously remember that not talking is also a thing he can do.
Post by timorousbeastie on Aug 1, 2015 20:55:14 GMT -5
This is a constant source of aggravation for me and H, to the point it's probably the root of most of our fights. In fact, we had an argument over it this afternoon. I am most definitely an introvert, and he just does *not* understand it. Especially now with always having DD at my side, I need my downtime where I don't talk to anyone, or have to be responsible for anyone. When DD is sleeping, I need him to give me my space for at a bare minimum of half an hour (preferably more, but I'll settle for 30 min.). Frequently, this does not happen, and I wind up snapping at him. I feel bad about it, but OMG just give me some space! I'm fine with him being in the same room, just not interacting with me.
And to your point about him reading in the same room as you - if I go to the bedroom to read, H just follows me in there! Argh!
ETA: now that I think about it, the following me around while reading is apparently a familial trait. When we stay with ILs, if I'm reading in a different room or outside on the deck, MIL will immediately come out to sit by me as soon as she notices and talk about whatever I'm reading. No, I want silence!
We work really well together. Our biggest point of contention is that I have to be "on" all day and need some quiet time in the evening to recharge. He often works alone and wants to talk talk talk in the evening. Sometimes he feels like I don't care because I'm not giving him my undivided attention. We both do our best to keep this in mind and accommodate one another.
However, I'm with OP on reading. I often chat intermittently when reading and it drives DH nuts when he's reading. He completely loses focus when I chatter at him. But if I'm reading because I need quiet re-charge time, then I do get annoyed when interrupted.
page described my house and relationship very well.
I require a lot more social stimulation, activities and general "busyness" than DH. I have lots of hobbies, volunteer and community commitments, groups of friends, etc. I go out without him frequently. I don't think he resents it. I always encourage him to go out more, but he doesn't have that need. In exchange, he gets to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday. Honestly, I have never been one to sleep super late or anything, so it's NBD to me. DD usually gets up around 8 on the weekends, which is fine with me.
He also goes to bed much later than me, so that is his alone time.
Our marriage improved a lot when I realized fair doesn't always mean equal. What's important is that we each give each other space and honor what makes the other tick. So he sleeps in and I go out and everyone is happy.