Many couples who see me for counseling are struggling with the demands of parenting small children. Frequently, the husband works outside the home, in a classic financial provider role, and the wife stays at home with kids under 5. There can be a great deal of conflict when the men criticize their wives, which then often leads to the wives retreating in hurt and anger (and then, of course, not wanting to have sex, among other issues).
In this article, I'm discussing a specific subset of SAHM's: the ones that enjoy being home with the kids, but aren't great at housekeeping or sticking to a routine. The criticism usually doesn't start until the man thinks the wife is "supposed to" be dealing better with things and have her life more under control, so basically anytime after about 3 months post-partum. The older the kids get, the more angry men get when their wives don't seem to "have it together," and then they say things like this:
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- "If she's home all day, why is the house a mess?"
- "Why is she always running late or cancelling things? She's home all day."
- "Why can't she make dinner if she's home all day?"
- "Why doesn't she get out more and do more activities with the kids?"
- "All she does is go on Facebook."
- "She doesn't care about her looks." (Read the comments under this article for examples of this criticism.)
- "My mom kept the house spotless, kept all us kids in line, and had dinner ready every night."
For the sake of argument, let's assume that all of these things are true. They often are. But, there are a few important truths about stay at home moms that could help husbands understand what's going on.
1. Being a good housekeeper and organizer is often incompatible with being a good SAHM, by today's definition.
Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot. They are also supposed to feed their kids healthy food and limit screen time. Furthermore, small kids aren't allowed to play alone outside anymore, and toddler and babies never were. Independent time for babies used to be an hour in a playpen and now it's 15 minutes while mom is nearby. If your wife is a devoted SAHM, she is playing pretend, making crafts, and preparing veggies for your kid's snack. She therefore doesn't have the time that your own mom had to make three wonderful meals per day for a family of five, vacuum the house top to bottom daily, and get the laundry done. Relatedly...
2. SAHM's are isolated.
It is very recent that women with small kids were left completely alone during the day. People used to live near extended family, or with them. Your wife is lonely and overwhelmed because it's unnatural for one adult and one or two or three kids to be together for ten hours a day. Your wife has nobody to help make lunch, or watch a kid for a second, or anything. This, when you think about it, is a bizarre way to raise kids, but it's what she's working with here. If she doesn't go on Facebook, she doesn't have any social life at all. Yeah, she could go to a Mom's group. But that's about an hour twice a week or something. People also used to have many more kids, so a preteen could help with the baby. Now, that's a rare situation. Incidentally, many women have undiagnosed post-partum depression or anxiety, and this is not helped by feeling alone.
3. SAHM's are often Type B, to counterbalance their Type A husbands.
Two Type A people don't often work well together. In a lot of couples I see with the critical-husband/hurt-SAHM-wife dynamic, the husband is high-powered and Type A, and very motivated but also kind of self-absorbed. The reason he was drawn to his wife is that she was calm, caring, and listened to him talk about himself a lot. She was also probably flexible, and built her schedule around his. All this flexibility and go-with-the-flow nature doesn't lend itself to remembering to defrost something for dinner every day. But it does make you calm and patient with kids.
4. SAHM's are very tired.
Often, the husband who asks, "Why can't she go to the gym?" holds himself up as an example of a busy guy who makes time for physical fitness. But if you ask when he goes to the gym, it's before work. So who's getting up with the kids even earlier and is even more tired? His wife. When you're tired, you don't want to work out. You don't want to deal with dropping the kids at gym daycare, where they may throw a fit. All you want to do is get through the day as best you can, hopefully without losing your mind. On my maternity leaves and my days home with my kids, I am far more tired then during my days at work. Work is intellectually challenging and not physical. SAHMing is the reverse, and is exhausting as a result.
5. SAHMing works best for people who go with the flow.
Laid back people are great with kids, for the long haul, day in and day out, and in stressful situations. People like these Type A husbands, and myself, and many women who say that they would go nuts if they didn't work, are good with kids IN TIME LIMITED AMOUNTS WHEN THERE IS LIMITED EXTERNAL STRESS. So, Type A people can have an awesome adventure or do a cool project with their kids, but get itchy when a whole day stretches before them, with all of the snack-making, refereeing sibling fights, wiping up spills, taking kids potty that an entire day entails. Type A people often cannot be home with kids unless they can take them from activity to activity (this is how I schedule my days with the kids). Type B people, like the wives I'm talking about in this article, provide a calm, warm, flexible environment for kids to engage in unstructured play, which is important for their developing brains.
So before you criticize your SAHM wife for not keeping a tight ship, think about these factors. It is more likely that your kids will remember cuddle time and laughter with mom than whether she had dinner on the table at 6 every night or there was dust on the shelves. And remember, at work, people likely smile at you, or at the very least, they don't scream at you and piss on you, literally. People say "thank you" or "good work" to you sometimes. You may even get a promotion now and again. Your wife gets none of this. She also doesn't get any financial rewards for her work. So why not thank her for giving your children a loving, present parent, and cut her a break.
"There can be a great deal of conflict when the men criticize their wives, which then often leads to the wives retreating in hurt and anger (and then, of course, not wanting to have sex, among other issues). "
Haha, this is exactly why my husband knows better than to criticize me and my upkeep of the house/care of the children. Damn right I am not going to put out if you are being rude and nit picky to me
Haha, this is exactly why my husband knows better than to criticize me and my upkeep of the house/care of the children. Damn right I am not going to put out if you are being rude and nit picky to me
From personal experience and talking to my friends, it seems that many men make this mistake. Want to complain about you, then wonder why you're not interested in intimacy. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Well damn, I'm glad my DH isn't Type A. I am somehow both the Type B wife AND the Type A husband, in my own head. I have all those expectations for myself and feel like I'm doing it wrong because I can't manage to meet my expectations consistently.
Post by marriedfilingjoint on Aug 4, 2015 9:26:11 GMT -5
Been there. It's part of the reason I went back to work. Not all of it, just part. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I'm still resentful about things that were said when I wasn't working outside the home (like "if you need diapers, put them on your Christmas list").
Post by marriedfilingjoint on Aug 4, 2015 9:30:59 GMT -5
This one makes my blood boil: "My mom kept the house spotless, kept all us kids in line, and had dinner ready every night."
Yeah, your mom also had free babysitting via her in-laws every fucking day because they lived next door. MY inlaws come over and expect to be entertained. And expect me to not breastfeed in front of them. In my own home.
Been there. It's part of the reason I went back to work. Not all of it, just part. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I'm still resentful about things that were said when I wasn't working outside the home (like "if you need diapers, put them on your Christmas list").
Been there. It's part of the reason I went back to work. Not all of it, just part. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I'm still resentful about things that were said when I wasn't working outside the home (like "if you need diapers, put them on your Christmas list").
And he's alive still?
Yes, he's not usually intentionally an asshole, he's just really really clueless.
Well damn, I'm glad my DH isn't Type A. I am somehow both the Type B wife AND the Type A husband, in my own head. I have all those expectations for myself and feel like I'm doing it wrong because I can't manage to meet my expectations consistently.
This is us as well. I get very annoyed with how little I get done, how unorganized I can be. And he's all. . Well, you kept the kids alive!
Mine is the same way. To his credit, he's always been more vocally in favor of me using my time during the day to take the kids out to do something fun than stay cooped up inside all day while I clean and do laundry. He basically sees my role as similar to what you would expect from a nanny: cleaning and cooking would be nice and certainly not unappreciated but at the same time not necessary.
DH probably forgets what it's like every so often (and is smart enough to keep his mouth shut if a thought like that creeps into his head), but he is quickly reminded when I leave the house for a day and he's stuck doing all those things. I'll never forget when I went away for a day and he had all these plans, he was going to clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, and clean the family room while caring for the two kids. I got back and nothing was done. Nothing. All he could talk about for the next couple days was how he doesn't know how the house doesn't become a complete disaster done, because he wasn't able to get any housework done at all. I could see where that sort of high expectation would really put a strain on a relationship.
It's not just men though. Women are just as bad about saying this shit to other women.
And then the women at the brunt of this criticism feel as though this is somewhat stemming from jealousy, while the working mom's are very, 'Yeah- I AM jealous of staying at home, taking care of a kid, & not doing much else!!"
(Sorry, non-mom (yet) who is surrounded by moms who both SAH & work, & I watched a verbal battle ensue recently. Even though everyone was "joking," of course! I've read this thread with great interest... Cuz reading about all this now will make it non-existent when my kid comes around, right?!)
It's not just men though. Women are just as bad about saying this shit to other women.
As evidenced by a growing mountain of "Open Letters" to each other on the internet.
It even comes up on MM Moms whenever someone is asking about dividing chores. There are always a few people who say "The SAHM should be taking care of cooking and cleaning."
Some days my husband comes home and the house is clean. Some days he comes home and it looks like a bomb went off. He's wise enough to not say anothing about the bomb days
I work par time but I encounter this with my DH. He is an engineer and when he "suggests a more efficient way" he really believes he is giving me useful life advice. Every so often I arrange a business trip where he is alone with the kids and call him with efficiency suggestions. Seems to quiet his engineer brain for 6ish months.
My husband said a couple of those things before he lost his job a few years ago and ended up staying home with our kid while I went to work. His tune changed real fast.
It's not just men though. Women are just as bad about saying this shit to other women.
Yes. My mom and MIL are the worst offenders. "Well I managed to do it all just fine with no help whatsoever! It's really not that hard!" *grumblegrumble*
Post by jeaniebueller on Aug 4, 2015 9:52:56 GMT -5
Back when I was in private practice, I represented a few different men who had SAHWs in divorces and some of the commentary they gave me was ridiculous and I had to bite my tongue from pointing out that they were likely the ones who made sure he had dinner, groceries, a clean house, the kids taken care of, etc. Pisses me off again just thinking about it.
Been there. It's part of the reason I went back to work. Not all of it, just part. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I'm still resentful about things that were said when I wasn't working outside the home (like "if you need diapers, put them on your Christmas list").
And he's alive still?
I'm sure he's now buried somewhere under the basement or in the backyard.
I work par time but I encounter this with my DH. He is an engineer and when he "suggests a more efficient way" he really believes he is giving me useful life advice. Every so often I arrange a business trip where he is alone with the kids and call him with efficiency suggestions. Seems to quiet his engineer brain for 6ish months.
I finally got through to my H the other day because he always acts like I overreact to his suggestions. I was like "do you ever say something to anyone when you don't think you are 100% right?" It was like a light bulb for him over how I perceive his tone and suggestions. He doesn't (or didn't) realize how his helpful comments came off. But I know him almost as well as I know myself. If he bothers to say something, he is fully confident in his statement and cannot understand when I disagree or think he comes off as a condescending jackass. It only took ten years...
my husband understands how hard it is... he's tried watching the kids for a day when they were toddlers ;-).
I think his biggest fear is when we first got together our earning potential was similar. Since then he's has taken off and I've changed careers to something I like, but also gives me a lot of flexibility to attend school plays in the middle of the day and walk my kids to and from school. That's a lot of pressure on him.
The Type A/Type B thing makes perrrrrfect sense to me when I think about how we are all home during the summer, and I'm all "let's go do things! And I need to clean the house! And do laundry!" and DH is all "let's just lay on the couch and you kids just don't hurt yourselves too bad!"
It's totally why he could be a SAHD and I'd metaphorically die as a SAHM. And I sort of feel like maybe I'm an asshole.
Been there. It's part of the reason I went back to work. Not all of it, just part. I enjoy what I do most of the time. I'm still resentful about things that were said when I wasn't working outside the home (like "if you need diapers, put them on your Christmas list").
I sat back and watched this 'discussion' play out between my friends the other day. They are a same-sex couple but the personality type stuff is spot on. Type A wife is a workaholic and has a hard time understanding how Type B wife doesn't get things done around the house. The SAHM is busy crafting, disciplining, and snuggling. Dishes are low on her priority list. I can see both of their perspectives.
In my own marriage, I was much more critical of myself when I was home with dd than DH was. I'm more type A than he is but both of us are pretty breezy.
Well damn, I'm glad my DH isn't Type A. I am somehow both the Type B wife AND the Type A husband, in my own head. I have all those expectations for myself and feel like I'm doing it wrong because I can't manage to meet my expectations consistently.
me too. For me it's because I know I would be a much better SAHM if I were type B. But I'm type A. I feel guilty for not putting more/better effort into it, like if I just tried more I could will myself to be patient, crafty, and super creative. My DH has nothing to do with that though. I just know what it would take for me to excel at this and I know I'm not doing that. Full-time school is a god-send for me.
The Type A/Type B thing makes perrrrrfect sense to me when I think about how we are all home during the summer, and I'm all "let's go do things! And I need to clean the house! And do laundry!" and DH is all "let's just lay on the couch and you kids just don't hurt yourselves too bad!"
It's totally why he could be a SAHD and I'd metaphorically die as a SAHM. And I sort of feel like maybe I'm an asshole.
When DH was home with the kids for about 9 months I was a jerk. I would come home after a busy day and the house would be marginally clean, no dinner or thoughts of that had entered his head, but the kids were happy and thriving. I still had many complaints. I was not a chill wife at the time - I felt like I was cooking, cleaning, and working and he was doing nothing. Really, he was hanging with a 1 year old and 3 year old and starting a business, but I didn't see that as work in my mind and I also didn't realize that it's probably good for kids to see different parenting styles.
I sort of think if I had stayed home at any point, I would have "gotten" it way more quickly.
DH and I had a conversation this weekend that was a nice reminder that he doesn't take what I do for granted. Sometimes I feel like he just assumes all things kid (and dog) related will get done and doesn't get how taxing it is, but this weekend he mentioned that he helps out as much as he can with other stuff (cleaning, laundry, cooking) on the weekends because he *does* know how much of the day-to-day logistics I handle and that it can be a drain.
We tend to give each other a good bit of verbal appreciation for household chores and such, and it was interesting to me to think about how that's missing from much of the other stuff I do, but that he's basically putting his thanks into action rather than saying, "thanks for taking care of x or y", which is what we do with other things like taking out the trash or washing the cars.
We're pretty good at communicating in general, but it was a reminder that what each of us puts into and gets out of actions vs. words can be really different.
"Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot. They are also supposed to feed their kids healthy food and limit screen time. Furthermore, small kids aren't allowed to play alone outside anymore, and toddler and babies never were. Independent time for babies used to be an hour in a playpen and now it's 15 minutes while mom is nearby. If your wife is a devoted SAHM, she is playing pretend, making crafts, and preparing veggies for your kid's snack. She therefore doesn't have the time that your own mom had to make three wonderful meals per day for a family of five, vacuum the house top to bottom daily, and get the laundry done."
THIS. Sociologists call it "The Cult of Intensive Mothering" and it impacts middle and upper middle class women most strongly. If you're not doing foreign language flashcards with your 3 week old while helping your 4 year old create a model rocket off of Pinterest complete with a child-led research paper about what makes them fly, you're apparently ruining your kids for life.