Why Men Criticize Their SAHM Wives

[downtoearth]

Aug 4, 2015 10:43:46 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

"Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot. They are also supposed to feed their kids healthy food and limit screen time. Furthermore, small kids aren't allowed to play alone outside anymore, and toddler and babies never were. Independent time for babies used to be an hour in a playpen and now it's 15 minutes while mom is nearby. If your wife is a devoted SAHM, she is playing pretend, making crafts, and preparing veggies for your kid's snack. She therefore doesn't have the time that your own mom had to make three wonderful meals per day for a family of five, vacuum the house top to bottom daily, and get the laundry done."

THIS. Sociologists call it "The Cult of Intensive Mothering" and it impacts middle and upper middle class women most strongly. If you're not doing foreign language flashcards with your 3 week old while helping your 4 year old create a model rocket off of Pinterest complete with a child-led research paper about what makes them fly, you're apparently ruining your kids for life. 

I am not and haven't been a SAHM, but my two closest friends are.   Now that we all have kids that are almost 9 years old, it seems that this phenomenon has really chilled for them. Does this sMothering/intensive Mothering sort of get less intense as the kids grow? 

[5thofjuly]

Aug 4, 2015 10:54:24 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:43:46 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

"Today's SAHM's are supposed to play with their kids, a lot. They are also supposed to feed their kids healthy food and limit screen time. Furthermore, small kids aren't allowed to play alone outside anymore, and toddler and babies never were. Independent time for babies used to be an hour in a playpen and now it's 15 minutes while mom is nearby. If your wife is a devoted SAHM, she is playing pretend, making crafts, and preparing veggies for your kid's snack. She therefore doesn't have the time that your own mom had to make three wonderful meals per day for a family of five, vacuum the house top to bottom daily, and get the laundry done."

THIS. Sociologists call it "The Cult of Intensive Mothering" and it impacts middle and upper middle class women most strongly. If you're not doing foreign language flashcards with your 3 week old while helping your 4 year old create a model rocket off of Pinterest complete with a child-led research paper about what makes them fly, you're apparently ruining your kids for life. 

I am not and haven't been a SAHM, but my two closest friends are.   Now that we all have kids that are almost 9 years old, it seems that this phenomenon has really chilled for them. Does this sMothering/intensive Mothering sort of get less intense as the kids grow? 

Good question- for many middle class families it transitions. It becomes what Laureau calls "Concerted Cultivation." Instead of doing the intense, directed play and teaching yourself, your job is to now sign them up for, get them to, and encourage them to practice for Mandarin lessons on MW from 5-6, piano and oboe on TR from 3-4, elite soccer every MTWR from 8-9, dance classes from 9-11 on Saturdays, and chess club after school on MWF.

[heyjude]

I'm not a SAHM but I have restructured my full time schedule to be home with my DD every other Friday and even though that is just a limited amount of SAHing I can relate to the sentiment of this article. I've already sent it on to my H who once wondered why the house was a mess, the laundry wasn't done, we hung out at home all day, dinner wasn't ready, and DD hadn't yet learned to properly write out her name on our Friday off together. (!!!!)

Needless to say, the conversation did not go over well.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 4, 2015 9:18:10 GMT -5 dirtyred said:

Aug 4, 2015 8:54:54 GMT -5 CheeringCharm said:

Haha, this is exactly why my husband knows better than to criticize me and my upkeep of the house/care of the children. Damn right I am not going to put out if you are being rude and nit picky to me

From personal experience and talking to my friends, it seems that many men make this mistake.  Want to complain about you, then wonder why you're not interested in intimacy.  Is it really that hard to figure out?

apparently it is bc my xh was that way - critize me about everything then wonder why I never wanted sex

[downtoearth]

Aug 4, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:54:24 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I am not and haven't been a SAHM, but my two closest friends are.   Now that we all have kids that are almost 9 years old, it seems that this phenomenon has really chilled for them. Does this sMothering/intensive Mothering sort of get less intense as the kids grow? 

Good question- for many middle class families it transitions. It becomes what Laureau calls "Concerted Cultivation." Instead of doing the intense, directed play and teaching yourself, your job is to now sign them up for, get them to, and encourage them to practice for Mandarin lessons on MW from 5-6, piano and oboe on TR from 3-4, elite soccer every MTWR from 8-9, dance classes from 9-11 on Saturdays, and chess club after school on MWF.

See I wonder if once you find your own good group of friends and their kids that you just step back. My friends and also from my recent book club (which is like 8 SAHMs and 3 working moms) is all about not signing kids up for things, just relaxing and playing in other kids yards or the woods nearby and avoiding organized sports even. If a kid shows interest on their own, they are signed up, but most of them are not there anymore. One of the moms even felt bad that my kids are in sceduled camps/daycare every week this summer and offered to take him for a week so he could "sleep in and do nothing for a little while."  There is some academic emphasis, but mandarin, extra tutors, or even Spanish class is pretty rare.  However, we don't have middle-schoolers yet, so maybe the academic smothering happens starting about then?

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:54:24 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I am not and haven't been a SAHM, but my two closest friends are.   Now that we all have kids that are almost 9 years old, it seems that this phenomenon has really chilled for them. Does this sMothering/intensive Mothering sort of get less intense as the kids grow? 

Good question- for many middle class families it transitions. It becomes what Laureau calls "Concerted Cultivation." Instead of doing the intense, directed play and teaching yourself, your job is to now sign them up for, get them to, and encourage them to practice for Mandarin lessons on MW from 5-6, piano and oboe on TR from 3-4, elite soccer every MTWR from 8-9, dance classes from 9-11 on Saturdays, and chess club after school on MWF.

Oh my god, this is so true for me. And on our "off" days they want something formally structured to do so I have to schedule play dates. Ugh.

eta: It's not Mandarin, oboe, elite soccer, chess club for us though. More like karate, tennis, and regular soccer, lol. It's just a lot of driving around with three kids.

[earlgreyhot]

LOL'ing the fall out if my husband dared to criticize me. Man knows better.

Come to think of it my mom knows better too. Upside of being a bit crazy.

[Queen Mamadala]

Aug 4, 2015 10:30:05 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

If I stay home to raise the kids I carried for 40 weeks and pushed out of my cooch, you can just shut the fuck up about how the house looks and all that.

Truth.

Neither of us are type A. Like, at all. We both recognize we're huge procrastinators and lazy... a lot. He doesn't cook (can, but hates it), and I only like it sometimes. I'm NOT at Pinterest mom. I don't do a bunch of cool crafts, cut sandwiches into cute shapes or make my kids bento box lunches. There are toys strewn over the floor and it could use tidying up. I suffer from chronic fatigue, so my energy is already low for a portion of the day.

H knows this. He knows the struggle can be real. He's never said a thing about how I run things or my routine, but if he did, yeah... nip that shit in the bud real fast.

[marriedfilingjoint]

Aug 4, 2015 10:40:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:16:09 GMT -5 taratru said:

The Type A/Type B thing makes perrrrrfect sense to me when I think about how we are all home during the summer, and I'm all "let's go do things! And I need to clean the house! And do laundry!" and DH is all "let's just lay on the couch and you kids just don't hurt yourselves too bad!"

It's totally why he could be a SAHD and I'd metaphorically die as a SAHM. And I sort of feel like maybe I'm an asshole.

When DH was home with the kids for about 9 months I was a jerk. I would come home after a busy day and the house would be marginally clean, no dinner or thoughts of that had entered his head, but the kids were happy and thriving.  I still had many complaints. I was not a chill wife at the time - I felt like I was cooking, cleaning, and working and he was doing nothing. Really, he was hanging with a 1 year old and 3 year old and starting a business, but I didn't see that as work in my mind and I also didn't realize that it's probably good for kids to see different parenting styles.

I sort of think if I had stayed home at any point, I would have "gotten" it way more quickly. 

A good friend of mine encouraged me to leave DD at home with my husband while we went to an out-of-town baby shower.  I'm so glad she did, because that was the first time he was alone with her and I think he finally started to get it.  So whenever he got smug, I'd plan a girls' day/weekend with my friends to set him straight.

[heyjude]

Aug 4, 2015 11:09:19 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Aug 4, 2015 11:00:48 GMT -5 heyjude said:

I'm not a SAHM but I have restructured my full time schedule to be home with my DD every other Friday and even though that is just a limited amount of SAHing I can relate to the sentiment of this article. I've already sent it on to my H who once wondered why the house was a mess, the laundry wasn't done, we hung out at home all day, dinner wasn't ready, and DD hadn't yet learned to properly write out her name on our Friday off together. (!!!!)

Needless to say, the conversation did not go over well.

Wow. I hope you explained to him that few three year olds can write their names. Those kinds of inappropriate expectations drive me batty.

Is this true? I feel like all my DD's friends have begun to master this and mine has not.

[cattledogkisses]

Aug 4, 2015 10:58:37 GMT -5 tillie said:

DH and I are both Type AAA. This would never work, lol.

Although I don't have kids, I completely agree about the "Intensive Mothering." My my was a SAHM. Always had the house clean (via a cleaning woman) and dinner on the table at 6:30. However, my parents were infamous for the phrase "we are not here to entertain you." Also, we were able just go outside alone (or in our pool) from about 8am to dinner time. Big difference.

Oh man, this just brought back memories. Lol. 

[5thofjuly]

Aug 4, 2015 11:06:51 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

Good question- for many middle class families it transitions. It becomes what Laureau calls "Concerted Cultivation." Instead of doing the intense, directed play and teaching yourself, your job is to now sign them up for, get them to, and encourage them to practice for Mandarin lessons on MW from 5-6, piano and oboe on TR from 3-4, elite soccer every MTWR from 8-9, dance classes from 9-11 on Saturdays, and chess club after school on MWF.

See I wonder if once you find your own good group of friends and their kids that you just step back. My friends and also from my recent book club (which is like 8 SAHMs and 3 working moms) is all about not signing kids up for things, just relaxing and playing in other kids yards or the woods nearby and avoiding organized sports even. If a kid shows interest on their own, they are signed up, but most of them are not there anymore. One of the moms even felt bad that my kids are in sceduled camps/daycare every week this summer and offered to take him for a week so he could "sleep in and do nothing for a little while."  There is some academic emphasis, but mandarin, extra tutors, or even Spanish class is pretty rare.  However, we don't have middle-schoolers yet, so maybe the academic smothering happens starting about then?

I mean, obviously, it's not the model everyone follows (and some families consciously choose to reject- for pretty good reason, IMO.) But the pressure is often lurking for a lot of people. WHAT IF your child could have been a prodigy if only they hadn't have quit cello lessons. WHAT IF they could have gotten a college scholarship for lacrosse? WHAT IF all of the other babies can read at 6 months and yours can't? Have you scarred them for life??? (Spoiler alert: Definitely not.)

[alexis]

Aug 4, 2015 10:40:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:16:09 GMT -5 taratru said:

The Type A/Type B thing makes perrrrrfect sense to me when I think about how we are all home during the summer, and I'm all "let's go do things! And I need to clean the house! And do laundry!" and DH is all "let's just lay on the couch and you kids just don't hurt yourselves too bad!"

It's totally why he could be a SAHD and I'd metaphorically die as a SAHM. And I sort of feel like maybe I'm an asshole.

When DH was home with the kids for about 9 months I was a jerk. I would come home after a busy day and the house would be marginally clean, no dinner or thoughts of that had entered his head, but the kids were happy and thriving.  I still had many complaints. I was not a chill wife at the time - I felt like I was cooking, cleaning, and working and he was doing nothing. Really, he was hanging with a 1 year old and 3 year old and starting a business, but I didn't see that as work in my mind and I also didn't realize that it's probably good for kids to see different parenting styles.

I sort of think if I had stayed home at any point, I would have "gotten" it way more quickly. 

I think it would be very frustrating to work all day and come home and have to do laundry and make dinner when your spouse has been home all day.  Some things are just easier to do when you're the one that is at home, like laundry.  I don't think the solution is for a SAHM to have to do everything though.  The solution is open, loving communication about priorities, responsibilities and expectations while firmly being rooted in reality.

My H works a very active job and has a hard time if he doesn't have a substantial dinner.  I generally have a solid dinner plan, but if I'm not feeling up to making dinner or the dinner is not super filling, I let him know his dinner options before he comes home.  That way he can eat what I have or pick something up on the way home.  This didn't come about because he gave me a hard time about not having a real dinner on the table but because he mentioned that it can be rough for him to not have a real dinner at the end of the day.  Then we came up with a solution that works for both of us.

I think the author missed a couple things that sometimes make it hard to keep the house going as a SAHM.  One is the continual nature of what needs to be done.  I do the same things all day every day and I never seem to get any closer to being done with them.  Sometimes after days of feeling like I wash dishes constantly with no end of dirty dishes in sight, I just can't with the dishes any more and they just have to sit while I do something else.

Also the mental fatigue of being in charge of each and every need of small children all day every day is wearing.  I know my H would love it if I would make him lunch regularly and would be happy with just a peanut butter sandwich, but I just can't.  I need there to be someone in this house who does not rely on me to be in charge of all their food.

[heyjude]

Aug 4, 2015 12:12:13 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

According to the milestone charts, SOME almost four year olds will begin to do this. It's more likely that kids this age can do the straight line letters.

This is my type A parenting rearing its ugly head. Thank you.

[heyjude]

Aug 4, 2015 12:11:38 GMT -5 alexis said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:40:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

When DH was home with the kids for about 9 months I was a jerk. I would come home after a busy day and the house would be marginally clean, no dinner or thoughts of that had entered his head, but the kids were happy and thriving.  I still had many complaints. I was not a chill wife at the time - I felt like I was cooking, cleaning, and working and he was doing nothing. Really, he was hanging with a 1 year old and 3 year old and starting a business, but I didn't see that as work in my mind and I also didn't realize that it's probably good for kids to see different parenting styles.

I sort of think if I had stayed home at any point, I would have "gotten" it way more quickly. 

I think it would be very frustrating to work all day and come home and have to do laundry and make dinner when your spouse has been home all day.  Some things are just easier to do when you're the one that is at home, like laundry.  I don't think the solution is for a SAHM to have to do everything though.  The solution is open, loving communication about priorities, responsibilities and expectations while firmly being rooted in reality.

My H works a very active job and has a hard time if he doesn't have a substantial dinner.  I generally have a solid dinner plan, but if I'm not feeling up to making dinner or the dinner is not super filling, I let him know his dinner options before he comes home.  That way he can eat what I have or pick something up on the way home.  This didn't come about because he gave me a hard time about not having a real dinner on the table but because he mentioned that it can be rough for him to not have a real dinner at the end of the day.  Then we came up with a solution that works for both of us.

I think the author missed a couple things that sometimes make it hard to keep the house going as a SAHM.  One is the continual nature of what needs to be done.  I do the same things all day every day and I never seem to get any closer to being done with them.  Sometimes after days of feeling like I wash dishes constantly with no end of dirty dishes in sight, I just can't with the dishes any more and they just have to sit while I do something else.

Also the mental fatigue of being in charge of each and every need of small children all day every day is wearing.  I know my H would love it if I would make him lunch regularly and would be happy with just a peanut butter sandwich, but I just can't.  I need there to be someone in this house who does not rely on me to be in charge of all their food.

These are good points too.

[erbear]

Aug 4, 2015 10:57:40 GMT -5 5thofjuly said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:54:24 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

I am not and haven't been a SAHM, but my two closest friends are.   Now that we all have kids that are almost 9 years old, it seems that this phenomenon has really chilled for them. Does this sMothering/intensive Mothering sort of get less intense as the kids grow? 

Good question- for many middle class families it transitions. It becomes what Laureau calls "Concerted Cultivation." Instead of doing the intense, directed play and teaching yourself, your job is to now sign them up for, get them to, and encourage them to practice for Mandarin lessons on MW from 5-6, piano and oboe on TR from 3-4, elite soccer every MTWR from 8-9, dance classes from 9-11 on Saturdays, and chess club after school on MWF.

Thank god I'm a lazy parent. Because I want to vomit just reading that.

[eclaires]

Football has made me realize I'm a lazy parent. Okay, I already knew that. But I don't like having my evenings planned every night! I like to go hang out at the pool until dinner time so MH starts dinner when he gets home or we just pick up something or we just eat whatever. Or the best: pizza at the pool.

MH has actually been on me recently about the house, but it's a fair criticism. Life has changed a lot for us since the kids were little. His job has gotten increasingly demanding and mine is less demanding in a lot of ways now that the kids are older. At least the time at home with the kids is less demanding, esp during the summer when Jackson is home because they play together a lot. The kids are also plenty old enough to help and I'm bad about managing that with the fun stuff. We do spend a lot of time out of the house at the pool though, which makes it harder to get stuff done. But then I feel guilty because my husband points out he'd like to do the fun stuff too but if I don't do enough of the non-fun stuff, he really only has time for non-fun stuff.

But when the kids were younger this was not an issue. Our expectations were different.

[lizard1131]

I am Type A to the max and stayed home for a while. Now, my H stays home. I am constantly resentful. Why do I have to work 50 hours a week and do all the housework? OH THAT'S RIGHT! HE'S DOING THE BEST HE CAN FOLKS! I don't know. I think some people can make it work. It doesn't help that I want to be at home too, and think I would do a better job.

For the record, we do have a DD with ASD and H busts his ass with her, and this is why I ultimately feel like an asshole ALL THE TIME.

[downtoearth]

Aug 4, 2015 11:23:35 GMT -5 marriedfilingjoint said:

Aug 4, 2015 10:40:54 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

When DH was home with the kids for about 9 months I was a jerk. I would come home after a busy day and the house would be marginally clean, no dinner or thoughts of that had entered his head, but the kids were happy and thriving.  I still had many complaints. I was not a chill wife at the time - I felt like I was cooking, cleaning, and working and he was doing nothing. Really, he was hanging with a 1 year old and 3 year old and starting a business, but I didn't see that as work in my mind and I also didn't realize that it's probably good for kids to see different parenting styles.

I sort of think if I had stayed home at any point, I would have "gotten" it way more quickly. 

A good friend of mine encouraged me to leave DD at home with my husband while we went to an out-of-town baby shower.  I'm so glad she did, because that was the first time he was alone with her and I think he finally started to get it.  So whenever he got smug, I'd plan a girls' day/weekend with my friends to set him straight.

I think this is always a grand idea.  We all need breaks and also need to be brought back to reality with kids in the mix. 

However, I don't think that worked for converting my jerkism - I had often had the kids all weekend without him or even for a week or so at a time, and I still expected way more from him.  Mostly b/c I expected that from myself if/when I was home with the kids, so we had to have a serious discussion on expectations and housework divisions.  It's my own damn fault being both the primary income AND the main person in charge of housework for years before we had kids - but making dinner for two adults and doing laundry for two adults is WAY different than taking on the food, shopping, cleaning, and laundry for 2 adults and 2 toddlers.

[alexis]

And I will admit that I don't work nearly as hard as my H throughout the day but that is because I am pacing myself in order to be able to be on 24/7. I know my H works very hard and that he needs to be able to rest and recuperate when he's home. I take on the vast majority of kid wake ups so he can get a good night's sleep. As a result I need to take some of the day for my rest and recuperation.

If these complaining dads expect their SAH wives to work hard during the day, they better be prepared to keep pace with their wife in evening/bedtime routines and night wake ups. I'd bet anything they're not though.

[ttt]

Aug 4, 2015 11:28:46 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Aug 4, 2015 11:09:19 GMT -5 @dontcallmeshirley1 said:

Wow. I hope you explained to him that few three year olds can write their names. Those kinds of inappropriate expectations drive me batty.

Is this true? I feel like all my DD's friends have begun to master this and mine has not.

BBT can do it now, at 3 1/2, but she also has a very short, very simple name with all straight lines. SST, with a longer name and more complicated letters, couldn't really do it until about age 5. 

[greeneggs]

My DH doesn't care much about having a clean house and tends to give me crap for being "too crazy" about keeping the house in my opinion marginally clean. We fight more about how little he does to help me and how exhausted, stressed, and cranky I am most evenings after doing all the adulting that needs to be done on top of all the little "Honey, could you..." requests he dumps on me because I have all the fucking time in the world. I'm fine with handling the bulk of the cleaning, cooking, and childcare but I'm endlessly angry that he does so little when home and gets pissy with me because I'm pissed. We also tend to have a quarterly blowout over finances or his obsessive level of video game playing or sports watching.

[ttt]

Also, this:

See this? Mothers back in the 1960s spent the majority of their time and energy on keeping a beautiful, spotless house. *Not* spending time with or playing with their children. 

[downtoearth]

Aug 4, 2015 13:23:26 GMT -5 ttt said:

Also, this:

See this? Mothers back in the 1960s spent the majority of their time and energy on keeping a beautiful, spotless house. *Not* spending time with or playing with their children. 

Wait all this modernization and such and we still spend only 8 hours less on house stuff almost 50 years later? 

Plus as couples we spend all of those 8 hours and a half hour more (8.5) doing more childcare? 

This is crazy fascinating... I thought we all worked more these days, but paid work decreased for men?

[2curlydogs]

Aug 4, 2015 13:17:00 GMT -5 ttt said:

Aug 4, 2015 11:28:46 GMT -5 heyjude said:

Is this true? I feel like all my DD's friends have begun to master this and mine has not.

BBT can do it now, at 3 1/2, but she also has a very short, very simple name with all straight lines. SST, with a longer name and more complicated letters, couldn't really do it until about age 5. 

Yeah, B could write his name at 3 1/2, but, well, the hardest letter is the B. The rest are easy.

I would say in his pre-school class, at the start of the year, maybe 2 or 3 kids could write their names legibly in all caps.

As for the OP, my mom was a SAHM, but in the 60s, 70s and 80s. And, yeah, the expectations of being a mother were TOTALLY different. She would have the house cleaned and dinner ready when dad got home, but only because she'd shipped us kids outside or we entertained ourselves in the basement rec room or something.

ETA: And I just saw the graph ttt posted. ANECDOTES FTW!

[omgzombies]

Aug 4, 2015 13:48:48 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

Aug 4, 2015 13:23:26 GMT -5 ttt said:

Also, this:

See this? Mothers back in the 1960s spent the majority of their time and energy on keeping a beautiful, spotless house. *Not* spending time with or playing with their children. 

why cant we bring back the "go play by yourself?" parenting style? i am trying to start an "ignore your kids" parenting style.

id rather clean than play connect 4 anyway. lol

This is what I do.  I'm constantly telling DD to go play, if she bugs me too much I tell her to go clean her room.  I make sure to carve out time to specifically play with her or do something fun for an hour or so while her little brother naps, but a lot of the time I just want her to find something to do.  When she whines I send her up to clean her room.  Usually she gets distracted while picking up and ends up playing with her toys for an hour or so quietly.  I tell myself that I'm helping her develop an imagination because I'm allowing her time to be bored, but really I'm just a lazy parent.  My main exception to this is reading with her, if she or DS bring me a book, 9 times out of 10, I will drop everything I am doing and sit and read with them.  If they want quality time, they know all they have to do is bring me a book.

[chedifuen]

Aug 4, 2015 13:48:48 GMT -5 @majorwife said:

Aug 4, 2015 13:23:26 GMT -5 ttt said:

Also, this:

See this? Mothers back in the 1960s spent the majority of their time and energy on keeping a beautiful, spotless house. *Not* spending time with or playing with their children. 

why cant we bring back the "go play by yourself?" parenting style? i am trying to start an "ignore your kids" parenting style.

id rather clean than play connect 4 anyway. lol

We totally can! I tell my kids, "I had two of you for a reason, play with each other."  I'm not much of a player, I would also rather clean and cook. 

[meltoine]

Aug 4, 2015 13:32:36 GMT -5 downtoearth said:

Aug 4, 2015 13:23:26 GMT -5 ttt said:

Also, this:

See this? Mothers back in the 1960s spent the majority of their time and energy on keeping a beautiful, spotless house. *Not* spending time with or playing with their children. 

Wait all this modernization and such and we still spend only 8 hours less on house stuff almost 50 years later? 

Plus as couples we spend all of those 8 hours and a half hour more (8.5) doing more childcare? 

This is crazy fascinating... I thought we all worked more these days, but paid work decreased for men?

My guess is that any time gained by modernization is lost to the fact that our houses are 2-3x bigger than they were then. My grandmother raised 6 kids in a 3br, 900sq apartment. I have two kids in a 2600sq ft house. That's a lot more sq feet to vacuum, more furniture to dust, more bathrooms to clean, etc. 

[RoxMonster]

I think what this really boils down to is the old mindset of women = housework, cleaning, laundry, etc. This is what's at the heart of this, whether it's being said by a man or another woman. Because being a SAHM is plenty of work in and of itself (I say this as someone who is not only NOT a SAHM, but not even a mom).

I can't imagine staying home caring for and entertaining kids day in and day out. It would have to be fucking exhausting. I am not saying being a teacher equals being a mom, but just saying that as a teacher who is with teenagers all day, it is fucking exhausting. So I think I have a tiny bit of an idea what it would be like to be with kids all day, whether they are your own or not. I don't think women should be expected to keep a perfectly clean house and make dinner every day all by themselves just because they are women. Husbands should still be splitting the house up-keep and what not with their wives.

I have to admit, I am home all summer as a teacher and my H hardly ever comes home to a perfectly clean house, and he never comes home to dinner on the table because I don't cook lol.

[lg28]

I'm a type a SAHM and Dh is a bit of both, but more type b. It's actually been really hard on both of us some days having me home.

I would rather be organized and efficient at the office. For us right now, me staying home is the best option but it's hard for me mentally. It's also hard to adjust to new "roles" but we are doing a decent job.

The thing about being isolated is the hardest for me. I'm social by nature.