S/O: My Husband: 5 Reasons I'm Not Lucky

[FloFTW]

Probably the parenting article I've most agreed with. And can we talk about whether my husband gets told all the time how lucky he is that I kick ass in my professional career and bring home lots of bacon? (literally and figuratively)

archive.is/U6ycM

At a wedding dinner, just before the speeches, my baby let out several forceful grunts and a smell like you wouldn't believe. My husband picked him up out of the high chair and whisked him away for a nappy change. With my daughter sat on my lap, I sat back to listen to the speeches, relieved to have a few moments of baby-free time.

"You're very lucky you know," said an older lady, leaning over to me.

"Lucky?" I said.

"Well, yes. You girls are so lucky to have these modern men. I mean, changing nappies? It wouldn't have happened in my day you know. Yes, you're very lucky."

I say nothing and give her a smile. I can't quite bring myself to agree with her. She's not the only woman who has ever remarked at how 'lucky' I am to have a husband like mine. If I casually slip into conversation that my husband has taken the kids off to the park, so I can have a couple of hours on my own, or that he is great at tidying and organising things around the house, or that he used to get up to do one of the feeds in the night with the baby, I often get this kind of a response.

But you know what? I'm not lucky, not at all, and here are five reasons why:

1., Caring for the children is our job, not my job.

We both decided to start a family. We decided to do this together. Raising our children is not my job that I'm lucky if he helps me out with. We are their parents. We are both their parents. We both change nappies, read stories, go to the park, give cuddles and get up in the night. He is a father, not my incompetent parental sidekick.

2., Luck is out of our control, I chose my husband.

No one forced me to marry my husband. I chose to be with him because of who he is, because of his character. I made this decision using my brain. There is no way I would have chosen to marry a man who did not believe in equality between men and women, who believed that childcare was primarily (or only) a woman's role. There is no way that I, as someone who wanted to have children, would have chosen to marry a man who had no interest in being a father or who I felt would play a disinterested role as a father. That would be stupid, not unlucky.

3., To say that I'm lucky suggests that all women must put up with their 'lot' and have no control over their love lives.

What, so I was one of the lucky ones and she was not? I got a good one and she didn't? Well, no, not really. If I ended up with a husband who expected me to parent alone or almost alone, I would tell him that I was not happy with that. If he was unwilling to work as a team, I'd leave him. She could always have separated from her disinterested husband. That way, she may have at least gotten a day off on the weekend, when they saw him, which is probably more help than she was used to getting. I am not lucky and she was not unlucky either. She was willing to put up with her husband and I would not have done.

4., It is not luck that has changed how we see the roles of mothers and fathers over the years.

It is social change and the hard work of those who sought to bring that change about. It is women and men talking about, campaigning for and writing about this issue that has brought about change. We now see fathers as more than just breadwinners or disciplinarians and this change has not just floated into being. It is not down to luck. It is down to those who have sought to challenge old ideas, to live a different way and to challenge others to do the same.

5., It is not me who is lucky, it is my children.

My children have no control over who parents them. They have no control over the two adults who live in their house and run their baths or cook their dinners. They cannot say what is good enough or not. They cannot decide if they are unhappy with what they have and do anything about it. They simply put up with us. It is them who are the lucky ones, not me.

So, am I lucky to have a husband like mine? Well, I guess in some ways, yes. I am lucky that he is healthy. I am lucky that he is here. I was lucky that I met him in the first place, but really, that is where the luck part of it ends. The rest is about choice. I choose to be with him. I chose to get married to him and start a family and we both feel lucky to have our kids.

But they are our kids; his and mine. He is their father and I am happy, not lucky, to have him.

[lg28]

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

[2curlydogs]

I pointed #2 out to my 78 year old father recently. He looked at me like I'd just told him the Pope was gay.

But, you know, my brothers refer to taking care of their kids as "babysitting", so.... I think it's mostly just he can't figure out how he raised such disparate children.

Personally, I blame the nuns.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

there's something about it that screams SANCTIMOMMY to me :/

[2curlydogs]

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

Like perhaps not acknowledging that the women who are telling her she's lucky are potentially those same women that worked for the equality she so values in #4?

[sushi]

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

I think it's that we are lucky to, but chance, be born in a time and place where we do have choices and control.

[FloFTW]

Aug 4, 2015 14:43:49 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

there's something about it that screams SANCTIMOMMY to me :/

Can either of you try to point out why?

[gardengal]

Yup. My mom does this bullshit all the time.

I wouldn't have married him if he was anything less than a full partner in my life. Frankly, I would have rather been single than to deal w less.

[FloFTW]

Aug 4, 2015 14:44:19 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

Like perhaps not acknowledging that the women who are telling her she's lucky are potentially those same women that worked for the equality she so values in #4?

I had that thought too. However, anecdote alert...any time I've been told I'm so lucky to have my husband, this was definitely not the case. And it was definitely not all women.

[lg28]

Aug 4, 2015 14:44:19 GMT -5 2curlydogs said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

Like perhaps not acknowledging that the women who are telling her she's lucky are potentially those same women that worked for the equality she so values in #4?

Perhaps a bit, but I don't know.

I think there is a lot of truth in her writing, but it's certainly not the best piece I've read.]

[alexis]

Aug 4, 2015 14:45:09 GMT -5 sushi said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:39:08 GMT -5 lg28 said:

I agree with most of the article. Something about it rubs me the wrong way though, and I can't quite articulate what that is.

I think it's that we are lucky to, but chance, be born in a time and place where we do have choices and control.

I was about to say the same thing. We are lucky compared to women in many different eras and societies. Yes, it wasn't luck that got us here and we have more work to do, but we're lucky to be on the receiving end of so much work for equality that has already been done.

It seems pretty crass to tell an older woman that we're not lucky because we choose our husbands when she may not have had similar choices.

[Deleted]

My mom and grandma couldn't just sit around and wait for a guy who was going to go 50/50 on childcare while they pursued fulfilling careers as well. I mean, I'm also lucky to live in a time where penicillin is an option and the dentist has magical numbing shots and I can marry a man a different color than me. I'm lucky I was born in Canada instead of Bangladesh.

I think it just rings of unacknowledged privilege. I am lucky to be born in a time with different expectations and norms for fathers.

[FloFTW]

Aug 4, 2015 14:56:45 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

My mom and grandma couldn't just sit around and wait for a guy who was going to go 50/50 on childcare while they pursued fulfilling careers as well. I mean, I'm also lucky to live in a time where penicillin is an option and the dentist has magical numbing shots and I can marry a man a different color than me. I'm lucky I was born in Canada instead of Bangladesh.

I think it just rings of unacknowledged privilege. I am lucky to be born in a time with different expectations and norms for fathers.

I guess I don't think it's unacknowledged.

"It is social change and the hard work of those who sought to bring that change about. It is women and men talking about, campaigning for and writing about this issue that has brought about change. We now see fathers as more than just breadwinners or disciplinarians and this change has not just floated into being. It is not down to luck. It is down to those who have sought to challenge old ideas, to live a different way and to challenge others to do the same. "

That is 20% of her point. She acknowledged how we got here. And it's not luck. It was hard work!

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2015 15:00:00 GMT -5 FloFTW said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:56:45 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

My mom and grandma couldn't just sit around and wait for a guy who was going to go 50/50 on childcare while they pursued fulfilling careers as well. I mean, I'm also lucky to live in a time where penicillin is an option and the dentist has magical numbing shots and I can marry a man a different color than me. I'm lucky I was born in Canada instead of Bangladesh.

I think it just rings of unacknowledged privilege. I am lucky to be born in a time with different expectations and norms for fathers.

I guess I don't think it's unacknowledged.

"It is social change and the hard work of those who sought to bring that change about. It is women and men talking about, campaigning for and writing about this issue that has brought about change. We now see fathers as more than just breadwinners or disciplinarians and this change has not just floated into being. It is not down to luck. It is down to those who have sought to challenge old ideas, to live a different way and to challenge others to do the same. "

That is 20% of her point. She acknowledged how we got here. And it's not luck. It was hard work!

But not her hard work, or mine. The women before us, really. Same as I didn't invent penicillin, but I'm lucky someone did. 

[saz]

I am over parenting and marriage opinion pieces. Good for you, mommy bloggers and HuffPo writers, you win at life because somehow you are better than someone else (even if it is by somehow being worse!)!

[decemberwedding07]

Well, #4 may be true, but she (and the rest of us here) are still lucky to have been born when we were. A woman who wanted a husband like that in 1920 could have looked her whole life and never found someone. Even a woman in 1950 could have had a very hard time. There is luck involved in that way.

And I think there's an element of luck involved in finding a good partner. If I hadn't gone to a bar one night eleven years ago, my husband could very well just be another stranger on the street to me.

[FloFTW]

Aug 4, 2015 15:01:11 GMT -5 saz said:

I am over parenting and marriage opinion pieces. Good for you, mommy bloggers and HuffPo writers, you win at life because somehow you are better than someone else (even if it is by somehow being worse!)!

I've posted 3 other threads today! They are way more deserving of a read.

[Deleted]

Aug 4, 2015 15:11:55 GMT -5 pt716 said:

My aunt informed me this weekend that I would do all of the childcare when we have kids regardless of our intentions to split it up because that's just what happens. So there are definitely people who think that an involved father is an rare anomaly.

These people are typically of an older generation.

The cultural shift has been pretty rapid, I'd say. And I feel like I'm using "lucky" to mean "grateful" rather than "brought about by chance". Which is really what most people mean when they say you're lucky - you're fortunate, you've got something you should appreciate. Not necessarily that you had zero influence over your choice of spouse.

The garbage that Grandma could have just split from Grandpa is awful, though. That's not how life worked back then. She would have been destitute. 

[juliette21]

It sounds like she wants kudos for picking the "perfect' husband to have children with. So she doesn't want to be told she's lucky, she wants to hear what a good job she did picking a partner. Yuck.

You know, articles like this really piss me off for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because people act like they can prepare for every life situation. That good things have happened because they deserve it or some shit. It doesn't always work that way.

My husband is a great guy, who was always very helpful around the house before we had kids. He does all the cooking and probably 40% of the cleaning. When deciding to have kids and then during my pregnancy with DS1, we talked all the time about equal division of labor and yada yada yada. He was great with our nephews, a very hands-on uncle. But guess what? After DS1 was born we STILL fought for the first year or so while adjusting to life with a baby. It takes a lot more work than anyone can realize. He wasn't as helpful with the baby as I would have liked, he had to be told a lot of the time what to do and that pissed me off. It's not like I could have known this before we had kids. I don't understand how this author could have known exactly what type of father her husband would be before they even had kids. 

[CrazyLucky]

I have this argument with my mom all the time. I'm so lucky that DH writes thank you notes, changes diapers, cooks dinner, my dad never did any of that. I sound like a broken record every time. "It's not luck mom. I wouldn't have married a man who wasn't willing to be equal partners." Not that I don't love my dad, but I'm not working a full time job and doing everything else too!
I do feel lucky to have my a perfect match for me, but it's not pure luck that I married him.

[FloFTW]

I can only thing of one person that was over 50 that has said this to me. Everyone else were my peers. Men and women. And my own husband when he's feeling lazy.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 4, 2015 14:45:37 GMT -5 FloFTW said:

Aug 4, 2015 14:43:49 GMT -5 pinkdutchtulips said:

there's something about it that screams SANCTIMOMMY to me :/

Can either of you try to point out why?

the fact that the author makes it out to be that her fantastic husband was the result of her carefully made choices rather than luck, grates my nerves. You can make all of the right choices, but in a hot second it can go to hell.
I chose my now X husband bc I thought I was marrying someone who was willing to be my partner. What I didn't choose was that his back would go out and prescription painkillers became a part of his daily existence. I didn't choose that his contract be pulled rendering him unemployed. I didn't choose for him to spiral into a deep depression that eventually lead to his descent into hard core drug abuse.
He's now an ex became he continued to use and became abusive towards me ... if you were to ask me when I married him if that's how I saw my life turning out I would have laughed hysterically ...

[omgzombies]

Aug 4, 2015 15:10:21 GMT -5 decemberwedding07 said:

Well, #4 may be true, but she (and the rest of us here) are still lucky to have been born when we were. A woman who wanted a husband like that in 1920 could have looked her whole life and never found someone. Even a woman in 1950 could have had a very hard time. There is luck involved in that way.

And I think there's an element of luck involved in finding a good partner. If I hadn't gone to a bar one night eleven years ago, my husband could very well just be another stranger on the street to me.

Very much this.  We are very lucky to be born in age where the expectation is a partner who will share equally in childcare and housework.      

[decemberwedding07]

Aug 4, 2015 15:14:32 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Aug 4, 2015 15:11:55 GMT -5 pt716 said:

My aunt informed me this weekend that I would do all of the childcare when we have kids regardless of our intentions to split it up because that's just what happens. So there are definitely people who think that an involved father is an rare anomaly.

These people are typically of an older generation.

The cultural shift has been pretty rapid, I'd say. And I feel like I'm using "lucky" to mean "grateful" rather than "brought about by chance". Which is really what most people mean when they say you're lucky - you're fortunate, you've got something you should appreciate. Not necessarily that you had zero influence over your choice of spouse.

The garbage that Grandma could have just split from Grandpa is awful, though. That's not how life worked back then. She would have been destitute. 

I agree. I think men in the 50s wanted to be good dads just as much as today's fathers, but the definition of a good dad has changed. They do more because more is expected of them. I know several guys who would be very hurt if they felt like their children always sought out their mothers over them. 

[heyjude]

The problem with the "article" is the problem with all "articles" of this nature. A mommy blogger hears an offhand, innocuous comment that shouldn't result in more than an internal eye roll by your average person but in the hands of a mommy blogger becomes a preachy 500 word treatise on her {blog} about the nature of life, affiliate links and all.

[msmerymac]

Aug 4, 2015 15:14:32 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Aug 4, 2015 15:11:55 GMT -5 pt716 said:

My aunt informed me this weekend that I would do all of the childcare when we have kids regardless of our intentions to split it up because that's just what happens. So there are definitely people who think that an involved father is an rare anomaly.

These people are typically of an older generation.

The cultural shift has been pretty rapid, I'd say. And I feel like I'm using "lucky" to mean "grateful" rather than "brought about by chance". Which is really what most people mean when they say you're lucky - you're fortunate, you've got something you should appreciate. Not necessarily that you had zero influence over your choice of spouse.

The garbage that Grandma could have just split from Grandpa is awful, though. That's not how life worked back then. She would have been destitute. 

I can't even tell you how many times I've seen younger people (20s-40s) comment about things like how they would never want their wife to do x, y or z. Like make more money. Or take a solo vacation. Or get married and keep her birth last name. 

We're talking about men who were still raised by men who had a specific idea of gender roles and what the perfect woman should be. And things like changing diapers don't always match up with that reality. 

[FloFTW]

Hearing "you're so lucky" grates on me because THIS IS HOW IT SHOULD BE. It shouldn't be an anomaly that you are lucky to experience. It should be status quo that a husband puts in equal effort in household chores and child-rearing. Saying "you're lucky" reinforces the idea that it's NOT.

[Deleted]

For the record, my dad never changed a diaper and never, ever cared for us on his own. Not one time, not ever. By the time I was 12, I was expected to take care of him when my mom was in the hospital.

Pretty sure if my little brother tries to live that way, his wife will kick him to the curb.

I don't doubt that traditional role type people still exist, but the point is we have options to find men that agree that they want to be hands-on involved parents. My mom married twice, and I don't think it was in her criteria either time, because it just wasn't common enough to register as a reasonable expectation for her to have.

[heyjude]

It's an offhand comment at a wedding for crying out loud. It's small chat when you are forced to sit next to a stanger at a table while eating dry chicken and watching others do the drunken Macarena. "You're lucky" in this context is just small chat to fill dead air. She could have easily said "how nice" or "wish it was that way when I was a young mom" or "times have changed; can you please pass the salt?" and it would have had the same noncommittal meaning. It is not blog and damnation worthy!

Now if this mommy blogger had been responding to some academic article in social science journal called "Luck: why today's woman is luckier than her historical counterpart: an examination of gendered attitudes in the home: past and present" then she may have something to blog/write about.

[msmerymac]

Who knows? Maybe if the wife had taken the baby from the husband to go change a diaper, someone would have told the husband he's lucky, too.

Like I get told I'm lucky that my husband is talented at making cookies and pies. He's talented because he uses his family recipes, but still. Doesn't everyone want a spouse who makes pie?