Compromising in relationships

[pirateflag]

What does it look like to you?

Is it different in the relationships with SO's, family, friends?

This has come up for me a lot recently and am curious what it means for others.

[livinitup]

I'm getting up at 7 AM tomorrow, Saturday morning, because DH wants to hike with his parents to celebrate a big milestone. I do not want to get up that early or go, but I love DH & his family and know it's important to go and have fun.


I am hosting a bunch of college grads for dinner tonight. They are new to our city and involved in a program I used to do and I like to help with orientation. DH does not want to host them tonight, especially because we have an early morning. But DH loves me and supports things that are important to me, so he will host and have fun.

That's what compromise looks like for us this week.

[cabbagecabbage]

Life decisions are made with DH. We pick the best option and don't apologize. We have good boundaries with our families (that took a few years and some bumps) and we look out for one another's happiness, so big decisions are hashed out until we are both in agreement. We have shared goals for finances and our family so it's usually pretty straightforward.

Within my marriage, I have control issues with tiny stuff and I can be petty. Like, I am planning fish but he wants pizza. I think blue pillows but he wants red. I get slightly control-freak about it and can be unpleasant. I work on that and I'm almost where I want to be.

I try to respect his choices without pushing my agenda. He had an opportunity and his boss' encouragement to go for a promotion that would have been a big raise. He really did not want the particular position, so I had to let it go. I had to decide that I was OK with that otherwise I might have made little digs down the road when I was mad about something else. He respects my choices too. He is not "the boss" of our marriage by any means.

I don't compromise with friends. Sure, they can pick the restaurant or whatever but if I feel I'm making a big compromise, I don't continue the friendship. I'm old enough and happy enough to know better.

[ninjabridemom]

I don't know, we both compromise for each other a lot. We have discussions if one of us starts to feel like they're always doing the compromising. It's NBD for me and Jake.

I feel less confident in that stuff w my sister, for instance, where it feels like compromise generally means keeping her happy and sometimes she'll toss you a bone. I can't even get her to eat at restaurants earlier, ever not every time, which would be easier for the boys (if we get to a restaurant at 7 that means you aren't eating until almost 8 and then they're tired and hungry even if we've given snacks etc). So that's harder. I don't bring up compromise a lot because of this.

[game blouses]

We're both first borns, so compromising means I get my way this time and he gets his way next time. And no sulking.

[underwaterrhymes]

We talk about things as a couple and make decisions together. Sometimes we are in agreement and other times one of us capitulates. It just depends.

[captainobvious]

Aug 28, 2015 8:59:52 GMT -5 game blouses said:

We're both first borns, so compromising means I get my way this time and he gets his way next time. And no sulking.

This is the same for us only we both grew up onlys. 

[mellimel19]

Aug 28, 2015 9:12:13 GMT -5 @meepmeep said:

We try to function on the "whomever this issue is most important to wins" rule... 

We tend to agree of most of our decisions together. However, when we disagree, we go by the above rule.

[noodleskooze]

Honestly, DH makes most of the day-to-day compromises. He is the type of person that truly doesn't mind doing more stuff, though. He doesn't get resentful or anything when I get lazy, which I am a lot of the time. I definitely know how lucky I am, but up until we had Leo, I took too much advantage of it. I try my best to even the work load out.

[pantsparty]

I was trying to think of how we compromise and I guess we do, but it's never...painful? I guess. The most amount of compromise we've dealt with is moving in and decorating our place, LOL. I tend to be argumentative and disagree with certain things right off the bat, but over time, I usually come around to H's thinking (although don't tell him that). We have joint goals we discuss but I don't feel like either of us is compromising as we're similarly aligned in our thinking.

Oh, sometimes I let him pick the Friday night movie even if I don't want to watch it. Actually, we compromise the most in our lives over movies. LOL.

I tend to be the organizer of family gatherings so things typically go my way when I see my immediate family, not because they are particularly important to ME, but because otherwise nothing would happen. I am more go-with-the-flow with extended family and friends.

[Deleted]

Within my own home, we compromise and communicate really well. Within my family and circle of friends, I am generally the one who gives in and caves because I hate the tension and just want it to end. I think they all know that and sometimes use that to their advantage. My H is big on meeting in the middle though and I'm trying to get better at pushing back with my family as a result.

[Deleted]

Compromise means that you come to a middle ground. You give up something other party gives up something and you meet in the middle.

OR picking your battles

I will say I am no longer compromising when it comes to my parents. I am so filled with anger towards them I am having a visceral reaction.

[eb777888]

I think it's different for different people. I feel like I get my way so much that when H really wants his way, he always gets it, lol. Works for us!

[sparkythelawyer]

I feel like the word "compromise" is a loaded one, taking into account everything from what to eat for dinner to how may kids to God knows what. Without knowing what you are being asked to compromise on, its hard to answer this.

[miso]

Posting so I can read what others say.

This doesn't exist for me.

[sequins]

Aug 28, 2015 12:25:56 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

I think it's different for different people. I feel like I get my way so much that when H really wants his way, he always gets it, lol. Works for us!

Same here.

H doesn't care about the stuff that I care passionately about (eg curtains) so we usually do it my way. H vehemently dislikes eggplants, so though I love it, I tend not to make it. Or I hide it in a dish so that he can't find it. The point is, I try, lol.

[lovelyshoes]

My h cares too much about random stuff, what kind of dishes we use, what painting to buy. It drives me nuts sometimes. Overall we try to talk things out and if it's super important to one of us, that person gets his/her way. I'm trying to live by do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy motto more.

[justemily]

Posting so I can follow along as well... I tend to give in way too much and have backed myself into a corner of unhappiness :/

[sandyapples]

[litebright]

LOL. When I think about compromise, the first thing that comes to mind is that I try not to let the crock pot, casserole dishes or baking dishes sit in the sink to "soak" for too long. That drove DH crazy in the first few years of our marriage and he would just wash them himself and then I'd feel guilty.

DH is VERY tidy. I am not, naturally. He has learned to let some things go (like my disaster of an office), and I have made the effort to be more proactive in the common areas so that things don't get to the point of making him nuts.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Aug 28, 2015 12:44:50 GMT -5 justemily said:

Posting so I can follow along as well... I tend to give in way too much and have backed myself into a corner of unhappiness :/

Same

[scottyderp]

Not feeling like you're being ignored or gaslighted.  Feeling like you're actually working as a team toward mostly common goals, while also experiencing life and and fulfilling some dreams as individuals.  It really depends on the marriage.  Some marriages look at sacrifice, personally, as a bigger aspect, other marriages look at fulfilling yourselves, then coming together to achieve some common goals as important.  The common thread is respect, I think.

[justemily]

Aug 28, 2015 13:05:31 GMT -5 ProfessorArtNerd said:

Aug 28, 2015 12:44:50 GMT -5 justemily said:

Posting so I can follow along as well... I tend to give in way too much and have backed myself into a corner of unhappiness :/

Same

I'm sorry we're in the same boat

[brooke77]

Agree with others. It means different things to different people. I have a really easy going personality. I just honestly don't care about a lot of mundane details.

So, for example with my girlfriends they may have extended discussions about where to go out for dinner on Thursday where someone eventually "gives in" and compromises. I don't feel as though I've compromised because I never cared if we went for Mexican or Italian. However, when we discuss big things that I do care about - let's say a weekend away, I expect to have a bigger vote, since I'm flexible on a weekly basis.

Same goes for most of my past romantic relationships. The day to day stuff, I really just didn't care all that much so I may just give in or compromise a lot. But when it came to big decisions, where to live, house buying, where to spend a holiday, I expected that I would have to compromise less.

[pantsparty]

I just asked H because I was concerned maybe I THINK I'm compromising, but really I am getting my way all the time. LOL. He said he thinks we compromise well.

He also said he thinks our money set-up takes a lot of pressure off financial compromise. Meaning, we have joint goals and a joint checking/savings, but all of our money doesn't go into one account. So a lot of the smaller (or larger, in the case of Sephora) purchases I make for myself aren't a budgetary issue, and the same for purchases he makes for himself. When it comes to larger stuff (furniture, vacations, etc) we come up with a plan together.

We never have financial arguments, so I think that's true.

[pantsparty]

Aug 28, 2015 12:50:32 GMT -5 litebright said:

LOL. When I think about compromise, the first thing that comes to mind is that I try not to let the crock pot, casserole dishes or baking dishes sit in the sink to "soak" for too long. That drove DH crazy in the first few years of our marriage and he would just wash them himself and then I'd feel guilty.

DH is VERY tidy. I am not, naturally. He has learned to let some things go (like my disaster of an office), and I have made the effort to be more proactive in the common areas so that things don't get to the point of making him nuts.

Oh, this is an area in which I would say I have compromised. I was not very neat or organized prior to living with H. I, too, have a messy office but keep the common areas of the house clutter-free. It's not really a HUGE compromise because I think it's part of being an adult, picking up after yourself, but I don't know I'd keep things quite as clean or neat if I wasn't married to H.

[papie]

We just do it my way because I am right. Duh.

[pirateflag]

Aug 28, 2015 12:26:22 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

I feel like the word "compromise" is a loaded one, taking into account everything from what to eat for dinner to how may kids to God knows what. Without knowing what you are being asked to compromise on, its hard to answer this.

Sorry, wanted to be vague  

Here's kind of an example of a situation:

-DH wants to go to a function, he says it is really important to him that I go too. I really don't want to go (for a very good reason), but told him I would, BUT I'd like to not have it be a late night. DH says we will try to leave as soon as 'appropriate'

I feel I am compromising on going to the function, but he is not compromising by not making any promises on us leaving early. 

Not sure if any of this is making sense, sorry for the vagueness.

Thanks for the replies

[CloudBee]

I usually take DS with me to the gym on Saturdays (sometimes Sundays) and to run an errand before / after so I can go out 1-2 nights per week. It's basically a solo parenting gig trade-off. I like to take Body Pump on Thursdays, may join the choir at church, and volunteer some Wednesdays. So DH gets a little alone time on the weekends to make up for single parenting a couple nights a week.

[sparkythelawyer]

Aug 28, 2015 13:36:21 GMT -5 pirateflag said:

Aug 28, 2015 12:26:22 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

I feel like the word "compromise" is a loaded one, taking into account everything from what to eat for dinner to how may kids to God knows what. Without knowing what you are being asked to compromise on, its hard to answer this.

Sorry, wanted to be vague  

Here's kind of an example of a situation:

-DH wants to go to a function, he says it is really important to him that I go too. I really don't want to go (for a very good reason), but told him I would, BUT I'd like to not have it be a late night. DH says we will try to leave as soon as 'appropriate'

I feel I am compromising on going to the function, but he is not compromising by not making any promises on us leaving early. 

Not sure if any of this is making sense, sorry for the vagueness.

Thanks for the replies

Without knowing more about the specifics of your situation, I again wouldn't be able to comment too specifically.

I think in the general sense of what you are describing, the approach some of the posters above took may be appropriate here.  Find out why "THIS" specific event is so important to him - is it for a close dear family member?  Important to the development of his career?  Supporting a charity that is near and dear to him?  Necessary to further world peace and/or global domination, etc?  If the event is truly important to him for a real and personal reason and not just "But we always go!  And you're my wife, why DON'T you want to go" then I'd probably go if I was physically able to do so (not a million years pregnant, suffering from any other weird malady, etc).  And I'd go knowing my night will be shot, I won't get to leave when I want, etc.  

BUT I'd only do that if my husband, in turn, hears me when I say "This (insert thing here) is super important to me and I need your support on it, so we are going to do X" whether that is attending some event, not attending something else down the road, learning something, doing something, WHATEVER. If he otherwise gives you the support when the issue is important to you, I'd find a way to give him the support when the issue is important to him.

If, however, you are always the one caving, and bending to what he needs in its entirety and he can never seem to meet you half way, then it is time for a pointed and serious discussion about just when did he become the most important person in your marriage.  

I don't know if any of this helps.