An update

[mortifiedae]

I deleted the text of my OP. For those who missed it, here is the short version: I learned last Wednesday that my husband had used Ashley Madison. That lead to the discovery of two other affairs (one sexual/emotional turned emotional only, one sexual), both of which were ongoing at the time I was beginning fertility treatments in early August. 

I wanted to give you all an update, and let you know how much I really appreciated all your support last week. It was an enormous help.

Here's what has happened since then.

I am STD free and not pregnant. Thank god. I have a counseling appointment set up, but apparently every person in town needed a counselor last week (thanks AM hackers) so scheduling was a nightmare, and I can’t see anyone until Sept. 8. My husband is staying elsewhere at the moment and has been since this all came out.

While he lied to me following the initial confrontations on Wednesday, since his full confession on Thursday night, he has been steadfast in his commitment to fixing this. He has cut ties with the women, and with the professional association through which he met the first one.

Last Saturday, he offered me all his passwords and said I could put a GPS tracker on his phone, inspect it regularly, whatever I needed to trust him. He also told me he had been trying to work through his thoughts in writing, and asked my permission before sending me an email with a written apology. The apology reads as though it was written after hours of self-reflection and in it, he accepts complete and full responsibility for everything he did.  He did not make, and has not since made excuses for his behavior. Nor has he once attempted to put any of this on me.

He is listening to everything I say. He has not diminished or discredited my feelings. Every time I express my anger, he tells me it is valid and it is his responsibility and fault, and expresses remorse for making me feel that way.

He has begun therapy (he got an appointment before I did because he apparently hounded the HMO more relentlessly than I did). He’s already had a call with a therapist, and has an in person session next week.

He is respecting my space. He is not complaining about not being allowed to come home. He is only calling me when I tell him he can call me. He is polite and deferential in our exchanges by text over things like when he can come by to get clothing, etc.

So, when I look objectively at what he did, I have to agree with every single poster here who responded with things like, “cheating is never black and white, but in this situation, you need to get out.” Because that’s what I would say to a friend who told me this stuff. Because what he did and the circumstances in which it happened were beyond fucked up, and more awful than most cheating stories I've heard in my lifetime.

On the other hand, his reaction suggests that maybe there is something worth saving. There were two major, unrelated sources of stress both of which began shortly before the first affair, and which continued for quite some time, and he never really dealt properly with either. While these in no way justify what happened or let him off the hook for his behavior, they suggest he could be been triggered by something other than sociopathic tendencies.

I am still taking this one day at time. I have a lot of anger to work out. I still have concerns about whether this will really work.  He will continue to stay elsewhere for the time being.  But given what has transpired since the confession, I am feeling OK, or at least like marriage counseling will not be a pointless exercise. So we went Thursday, and it was useful. I got a lot out of it, and he said he did too. The therapist was amazing and we will go back again next week.

So that's where I am. Thank you again for your support.

[aussiecrush]

I'm glad that you are healthy and taking steps to process this in the way that feels best to you. You have to do what makes sense for you and your marriage and I wish you the best.

[cville]

Good luck to you, whatever you end up deciding now or in the future.

[Monica Geller]

Good luck. I hope no matter what you end up doing, you're at peace with your decision.

[Deleted]

This is a great update. I do hope that you'll make sure you continue with your own therapy in addition to the marriage counseling once you're able to get in.

[whitemerlot]

I've been thinking of you. It sounds like you are proceeding with caution and getting help to sort it all out. Good luck!

[sapphireblue]

That all sounds really good. You seem to be a very thoughtful person, reasonable. As you proceed through this I think those traits will do you well. I am glad your H has responded the way that he has. I think the counseling will be invaluable, I bet your head is swimming with so many thoughts and emotions right now.

I wish you the best as you navigate this difficult situation!

[Jalapeñomel]

Good luck with whatever you decide is right for you.

[litebright]

I'm glad you updated, and I'm glad you're getting the support and therapy you both need -- whatever you ultimately decide about your relationship.

Best of luck in a very hard situation.

[mom2twoboys]

Good luck. I am glad you are going to be seeing someone. This is a very personal decision and only you can make it. Like you said it is not black and white.

[achi]

Good luck to you. Thanks for the update.

[motzie]

You talked a lot about him, but how are YOU doing? I think individual therapy will help you to sort out your own feelings without him in the mix. It will take time. Don't feel any pressure to make any decisions for a while, just take care of yourself.

[runforrest]

I just want to give you hugs and support in whatever you decide. Take your time and follow your gut. Hugs.

[miniroller]

Wanted to add my thanks for the update. Agree w/ motzie hoping you're not overwhelming your thoughts with reactions to his current behavior. Please do take some time for self-analysis & for thinking about how you're truly feeling. Not how you're feeling about what he's doing in response to his BS, how you're feeling about his original BS. Totally get that you're into making this work, & I think that the best way to do that is by carefully considering what you need in the future for this relationship to work. Much luck & many hugs, OP. I've got faith in you.

[1confused1]

Thank you for coming back and updating, I have been wondering how you were doing.

I wish you the best of luck while you figure out what you are going to do.

XH and I separated 4 times before the final time, I understand how hard of a decision it is when and if it happens.

Hang in there!

[tiptoetulips]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself and I hope you are able to make peace with whatever you decide to do.

[mortifiedae]

Aug 29, 2015 19:12:27 GMT -5 motzie said:

You talked a lot about him, but how are YOU doing? I think individual therapy will help you to sort out your own feelings without him in the mix. It will take time. Don't feel any pressure to make any decisions for a while, just take care of yourself.

Thanks for asking.

I'm OK. I have been making a lot of time for myself.  I told work I had a personal issue to attend to, and only gave about 50% this week.  While I drank a lot of wine last weekend, I cut out alcohol on Sunday night out so I could think clearly.  I wasn't sleeping well at all initially. After a few nights, I moved to second bedroom, and started sleeping better, though not great. This could be because our bedroom was giving me anxiety. It could also be because it is hot as Hades here, and the second bedroom is much cooler than the master.  I just learned yesterday morning I was not pregnant, and slept better last night than I have in ages.

I have been limiting my interactions with my husband so I've got time to process and reflect, and so I can control the conversation in a way that's helpful to me.

I know I have to see a therapist and want to see one. I just didn't have the energy last week to yell at my HMO for dicking me around. I am hopeful I can get a different appointment sooner than the 8th if I nag them enough.

I have reached out to a couple friends, but no family.  The people who have been helping me are amazing.

[toepick]

I said this before, and I'll say it again. Do whatever you need to do on whatever timeline it takes. I fought for more than a year to "save" my marriage. Ultimately I decided there wasn't anything left to save, but I needed to do the work and spend the time before I got there. If you haven't already, visit survivinginfidelity.com - they have tons of great advice for people who are trying to rebuild relationships after infidelity.

[Elsa]

As long as you do what is best for you, no one can fault you.... Whether that is staying or leaving, doesn't matter. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts!!!

[janegold]

Best of luck to you, truly. I've been thinking about you. What he did (esp. the second affair) makes me actually sick to my stomach for you, but at the same time, I can imagine how conflicted you must feel. I hope counseling goes well for you and leads you to a decision, one way or another, that gives you peace.

[Deleted]

The only person whose opinion matters on this is yours. If you feel like there's something that's worth saving, and want to try, then that's the right decision. And if you don't feel like trying at all, that's also OK. Good luck to you.

[pittsmcgee]

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make.

[ErinExpat]

Wishing you all the best moving forward.

[lovelyshoes]

I've been thinking about you. I'm glad that you updated.
It sounds like you are very level headed. I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do. Definitely put yourself first and don't ignore any gut instincts.

Wishing you well and please know that we are all here to support you.

[Kristinmo]

Aug 29, 2015 20:21:08 GMT -5 amber said:

This guy is a terrible dirtbag and there is no way happiness could result from staying with him. The errors are too egregious. Don't do this to yourself.

People made those feelings clear last time, she has decided to give him a chance. You could tell her to be careful but there is no need to be this unsupportive.

[Kristinmo]

And OP- I would have a hard time walking away as well. Just take care of yourself and be careful. No decision you make now has to be permanent.

[1confused1]

Aug 29, 2015 20:35:26 GMT -5 amber said:

Aug 29, 2015 20:31:38 GMT -5 Kristinmo said:

People made those feelings clear last time, she has decided to give him a chance. You could tell her to be careful but there is no need to be this unsupportive.

I disagree, I think that's exactly what she should hear. That she deserves better. That this is who he is as a person and nobody can change that.
It's frustrating to see women do this to themselves.

Have you been in this situation?

It's incredibly difficult and you don't know anything more than what you have read on here. She is allowed to take her time and work through her feelings.

[dexteroni]

Thanks for the update. I'm glad things seem to be progressing how you want them to. I do worry that your extreme desire for things to work out may color your opinion of actual events. But a good therapist will hopefully be able to guide you through that. I wish you the very best possible outcome!

[lilac05]

I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself & be kind to yourself. I hope you're able to find a good therapist who can help you walk through all of this so you can eventually make it out of this and be happier than ever...regardless of what you end up deciding.

[Gato]

One of the things I love best about being in my 40's is having seen my friends (and myself) get through some tough stuff and come out the other side stronger, wiser, and happier knowing that we can handle just about anything.

I have a few friends whose husbands have cheated but they didn't break up. It took a long time to work through everything, but they claim their marriages are stronger and better.

I know a lot more women who decided, right away or over time, that it wasn't worth it for them to save the marriage.

This is a big decision but, when you are ready, you will know what is best for you, OP. Working with knowledge, even painful knowledge, is better than being in the dark. Take care of yourself as you work through it. ((HUGS))