Anxious kids and losing

[DotAndBuzz]

Does she do it in public too?

My N will fall apart at home, but keeps it together at school because she's also starting to be embarrassed about that kind of thing.

Something that helped her was when I pointed out MY mistakes. N's therapist suggested that, because kids don't often see adults model how to be frustrated and work through it. Like, when I mess something up, or something didn't quite go right, I point it out, and then spell out to her that I'm frustrated, but that it's ok, because nobody is perfect, and we'll just make it work. I don't think she realized that I wasn't perfect, and while I didn't like to shatter that facade (lol), it sometimes helps her to bring than anxiety and frustrated explosions down a notch.

[DotAndBuzz]

Oh man, that's so hard.

[litebright]

One thing that has helped DD1 is that we semi-regularly play Uno, Jenga or other games at home. DH and I don't just let them win, we make it an actual contest and sometimes win. So sometimes that means DD2 gets slammed with wild+4s, or DD1 is the one who gets stuck with the Jenga tower at the point where no matter what you do, it's going to fall.

It took time and a lot of repetition and some unpleasant reactions along the way, but that kind of de-sensitization helps. Both of them learned that even if you lose once, you might win the next one, and that one game is never the be-all-end-all ETA: and that has led to an overall ramping down in the anxiety about game-winning. We also modeled, and prodded them, into appropriate reactions for a good sport. And because we'd play a number of games in one sitting, both of them would usually get to be on all sides (winning, losing, being somewhere in the middle) at some point and had an opportunity to deal with all the resulting emotions, and see how other people handled it. Like being able to see how when you win, it's nice when other people congratulate you, or how when you lose, it feels better when you can be a good sport about it, and put those into practice. 

[cinco]

My oldest is similar and has had therapy for anxiety and OCD. She is 9 now and still will beat herself up, but she is at the point where she doesn't want other kids/teachers to see her cry. I think some of that comes with age (she is 9). Sports have helped DD with losing quite a bit. She does cross country, and with running someone is always faster. They focus more on getting their personal best times and if they don't it isn't a big deal. Team sports are good for this too, b/c they are all in it together. I liked the pp idea to play games at home. Board games make me want to poke my eyes out in boredom, but they do have their teaching moments, lol.

Therapy has helped us, and time. This time of year there is a lot of change and it sets DD off. Looking at the big picture though, 8 was a good year. She has a much better grasp on how to handle anxiety. This is not terribly helpful, but it would have made me feel better when DD was younger and we were going through such a tough time.

[eb777888]

Aug 30, 2015 9:19:42 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Nope, she loses it in front of everyone. She tries to walk/run away. Its a big scene. She literally cannot keep it together. Its so painful to watch. Even if she did a great job, she's so freaking hard on herself.

You are describing exactly how David is, the perfectionism and if he can't so something perfect he doesn't want to do it at all. He also loses his shit when he loses a game, he's always been this way. It is getting better with age (he's 6) but it's still an issue. He also says "I'm horrible, I'm the worst at xyz" when he doesn't get it exactly right. He is very hard on himself. We do SO MUCH talking about this. He's also anxious and very sensitive. I never thought of this issue stemming from his anxiety but I guess it makes sense. 

No real advice, just commiserating. 

[auntie]

We did what litebright did. Lots of games in the context of CBT so that DS could be desensitized to losing by learning from experience that it isn't the end of the world.  We also did Social Thinking so DS would understand the impact his behavior had on those watching him but that might not be necessary if she gets this.

[Deleted]

Ds really struggles with this As well

[lilac05]

I haven't dealt with it as a parent, but when I was working, I'd talk to the kids about "Good Winning/Good Losing." We'd talk about what good winners/losers say in a situation and practice it outside of a winning/losing situation. Sometimes we'd even write out a list of things kids can say/do when they win/lose. Then we'd play a low stress game. When we were almost at the end, we'd practice good winning/losing phrases and actions BEFORE they were needed, in hopes that they'd be fresh in the kid's mind when the game actually ended. They really liked when I'd be overly dramatic about bad winning/losing so they could point out what was expected/unexpected behavior.

It sounds like her difficulty runs deeper than just having the right words to use, but it might be a start.

[adhdfashion]

Lots of talks about good sportsmanship and waiting it out. Mia is starting to get better the last couple months. She just turned 6.

[gretchenindisguise]

Aug 30, 2015 9:19:42 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Nope, she loses it in front of everyone. She tries to walk/run away. Its a big scene. She literally cannot keep it together. Its so painful to watch. Even if she did a great job, she's so freaking hard on herself.

L does this. It's gotten better as she's gotten older and I've made a conscious effort to do like Dot suggested, but it still happens. She calls herself stupid and a loser, I hate it.

We have also played games where she gets treasure tickets for keeping it together and not losing.

[gretchenindisguise]

Aug 30, 2015 17:29:19 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

I haven't dealt with it as a parent, but when I was working, I'd talk to the kids about "Good Winning/Good Losing." We'd talk about what good winners/losers say in a situation and practice it outside of a winning/losing situation. Sometimes we'd even write out a list of things kids can say/do when they win/lose. Then we'd play a low stress game. When we were almost at the end, we'd practice good winning/losing phrases and actions BEFORE they were needed, in hopes that they'd be fresh in the kid's mind when the game actually ended. They really liked when I'd be overly dramatic about bad winning/losing so they could point out what was expected/unexpected behavior.

It sounds like her difficulty runs deeper than just having the right words to use, but it might be a start.

Yup this helps too.

[StephaniePlum]

So glad this was posted. My 6 year old struggles with this as well and these are some great suggestions. Thanks to all and good luck OP!