Evaluate Me Please...

[genet313]

I may need professional help, I don't know.  I don't know if this is just "one of those days" or if I'm really messed up.  But just help me through this. 

DD is 7 months.   She's amazing most of the time.  Smiles, laughs, loving, etc.  She does have, however, a very, very strong will and quite a temper.  My mom and MIL watch her 4 days a week when I'm at work and I'm a working mom and don't see her a lot, so needless to say, she's quite coddled and gets pretty much whatever she wants.  We all still rock/nurse her to sleep.   Even DH sings her songs and rocks her to sleep (it is actually adorable and of course she loves it, but you know).    Some mornings I can leave her in the crib as I head off to work and she'll fall asleep on her own, not a tear in sight, and other days, no matter how hard we try, she just freaks out and pounds her little feet against the mattress like "don't you dare leave me in here all by myself."  

And then there are days/weekends like this one, where she's just a mess.  She's teething, and she started rolling in her Merlin suit so we had to get rid of it and she just can't settle down and when she does nap, it takes me an hour to get her down and she only naps for 20-30 minutes and she wakes up screaming.  And it's been this for the past 3 days. 

And I feel so awful but I just don't really like my child right now.   I mean, I really did not like her today.  And I get upset with her, actually upset with her, as if she should be acting rationally.  Which I know is ridiculous but I just can't help myself.   So I'm rocking her going on 45 minutes and I'm bouncing her and bouncing me and I can't calm down.   I actually had to just put her down in the crib for 5 minutes to collect myself b/c I could feel the anger seething and rising up in me and I was afraid of myself. 

I already have a bit of a complex b/c she clearly prefer DH to me, and I feel like I'm not helping myself b/c I feel like she can feel my anger and impatience -- so she dislikes me even more.  

Part of it is sleep deprivation, I know, I was up 3 times with her last night and I'm tired.  And I haven't slept more than 6 hours straight in 7 months, and even that is broken sleep b/c even though she'll sleep 10 hours, I go to bed late and still wake up MOTN worrying that something's wrong with her.  

Is this normal stressed out mommy?  Or do I need some actual help here?  I feel terrible.

[dancingirl21]

Sounds normal to me (I've been there too) but it certainly can't hurt to bring it up to your doctor.

[awkwardpenguin]

I'm really sorry you are having a rough time. I think it's probably well within the realm of normal, but that doesn't mean you might not benefit from talking to someone. Do you have an EAP? I'd start there.

[waterchurch]

It sounds normal to me. Some days are just so hard. Big hugs.

[dcn]

I was like that when Ds was that age. He never slept and I was so tired. I was mean to my husband all the time bc I didn't want to be mean to my baby. There was more than one nap attempt where I had to leave him crying in his crib and scream into a pillow In the other room out of frustration.

It definitely got better after we sleep trained and Ds started sleeping, and I started sleeping.

[VillainV]

Kids can be assholes. Especially when they don't sleep.

The only thing that strikes me as potentially abnormal is you losing sleep by waking up in the middle of the night because you're worried that there's something wrong with her. Are you normally a light sleeper? Did you wake up in the MOTN a lot before your DD was born? Is this level of worry a normal thing for you (did you stress about stuff before your DD, or is this new?). It never hurts to talk to your doctor about what's going on and let him or her decide if it's something that needs to be investigated.

I hope your kid stops being an asshole :-)

[Deleted]

Huge hugs. Sleep deprivation can make us think very irrationally and, I know for me, is a major anxiety trigger. It was one reason I was hesitant on having a child. I would talk to your doctor, that can't hurt at all. I even started therapy and it went a bit awry. I will get back to it someday.

Teething sucks and their sleep just gets interrupted. Piper had some real rough days the first few weeks of teething. Tylenol did help but sleep just wasn't a thing she wanted to do.

[jennistarr1]

I am sorry you are struggling but it really sounds in the normal range of new mama frustrations to me, I think a lot of the moms here can say there are days where you love your kid but you don't like them. So just hang on tight!

[genet313]

Aug 30, 2015 21:20:29 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Kids can be assholes. Especially when they don't sleep.

The only thing that strikes me as potentially abnormal is you losing sleep by waking up in the middle of the night because you're worried that there's something wrong with her. Are you normally a light sleeper? Did you wake up in the MOTN a lot before your DD was born? Is this level of worry a normal thing for you (did you stress about stuff before your DD, or is this new?). It never hurts to talk to your doctor about what's going on and let him or her decide if it's something that needs to be investigated.

I hope your kid stops being an asshole :-)

No, I'm normally a pretty good sleeper.  Even pregnant I had no trouble sleeping.  And I don't drink caffeine so I never really feel "awake".  So this is all new territory for me.    I hope she stops being an asshole too.  

[celiacmom]

Hugs!!! The waking up worried part stuck out to me as well... Wondering if you might be experiencing some ppd/ppa. Can your husband get up for a few nights middle if the night with her so you can sleep and see if that changes how you feel? Or can you take a sick day and still send her to your mom/mil so you can relax?

[carolinagirl831]

Normal, get a few days of good rest and you'll feel like a new person. We had a really rough week around here . I felt like I was loosing it! But after the weekend and two good nights I feel a lot better.
Just remember everything is s phase and will pass soon!

[hermione]

Aug 30, 2015 22:18:33 GMT -5 @fivedogs said:

Also, your comment about having a strong will and a temper and is coddled and that she dislikes you made me pause. I'm not sure she is capable of any of those things at this age - it sounds like she is just being a baby. Thoughts like those are not really rational (which is totally understandable given lack of sleep and a screaming kid) and can be a symptom of something more going on. Like if a friend passed you on the street and didn't look at your/acknowledge you (and with no history to suggest otherwise), a person with anxiety or depression might start thinking, "OMG, they hate me, they are mad at me, they are talking smack about me to their friends right now." A person in good mental health might think "Oh, Jane didn't even see me - we'll have a laugh later about how she has to get her eyes checked." "My baby can sense my anger and doesn't like me and that is why she seems to prefer DH" is probably more like "My baby is connecting with DH because she likes his voice/he changes most of her diapers/etc."

I would totally believe any of those statements with a toddler/preschooler though - my kids have tempers and are strong-willed and prefer DH to me.

We all have those thoughts at times because kids drive you to the limit, but if you truly believe them about a 7-mo or they are pervasive or making you upset/sad/frustrated, that is probably something to talk about with your doctor.

I agree with this. It sounds like you're interpreting infant behavior as something dictated by rational thought. I don't think it would hurt to talk to a doctor and possibly do a ppd screening. There's every possibility it is just normal new mom exhaustion but if it's not you deserve to feel better as soon as possible.

[jewel]

I think others have given you good advice.

I can commiserate. My kid is a terrible sleeper, and always has been. Even at almost a year now, he is still up once or twice, on a good night. At his worst, though, which was right around 5 months, he was waking up every 45 minutes, all.night.long. We have had a very rough road with sleep.

I'm not sure if you're looking for ideas or thoughts on the actual sleep problem, but I felt like things changed drastically once we sleep-trained. It did improve his sleep, a decent amount, but it really improved my attitude about his sleep. I was happy to nurse and rock for a few minutes, but if he didn't fall asleep quickly, into the crib he went. I felt like we no longer had these "fights" about sleep (me and the baby), because there was a specific plan. Despite being a terrible sleeper for the first 5.5 months of his life, he was very easy to sleep train. We have kept on this plan since. He can nurse and have a few minutes to rock, but if he doesn't fall asleep quickly, he goes into his bed. At this point, I still don't think that I get a ton more sleep, but I also have zero anxiety about getting him to fall asleep and I no longer have the "OMG FALL ASLEEP BABY" angry-type thoughts.

Also, ditto PPs about the motrin. When we would suddenly have a couple bad nights, and nothing else seemed to change, I'd give him Motrin for the next few nights, in case it was teeth bothering him.

[Deleted]

So while the whole thing in general sounds normal I also noticed a few off things like PPs did.

I don't think a 7 month old has the capability to be strong willed and at that age I think coddling and "getting whatever she wants" is perfectly fine.

I have also had times where I had to put the baby down because I was feeling very angry at the baby.. It's not a fun feeling At all.

I did go talk to my doctor at some point and she agreed to start an antidepressant but it made me really sick so I didn't use it more than 3 days.
Once I got sleep a little more under control I felt SO MUCH better. Seriously this sounds like the hell that is sleep deprivation!! It is horrible.
But it never hurts to talk to your doctor.
Hugs!

[Deleted]

Oh and yes give Motrin/Tylenol! Even if you're not 100% sure it's teeth, if she's acting fussy just give it

[scsarah]

You've gotten some great advice so far, but I wanted to come in and agree that 7 months is a little early to be thinking that she's being coddled or spoiled.

Also, while this may be sleep deprivation and "normal" new mom stuff, that doesn't mean that it can't also be ppd/ppa. You know yourself, and it something feels off, definitely talk with your doctor or therapist.

And keep in mind that normal varies for everyone, so if you get the brush off from your doc, but still feel not you, push back. You're the best advocate for yourself and your family right now.

[dulcemariamar]

I think that it wouldn't hurt to talk to somebody about it. Even if you do just a couple of sessions you might learn how to manage stress better and it might improve your sleep. I had PPD and never took care of it until now so my vote is the sooner the better.

My kid is 2.5 now and I just adore her. But those strong feelings didn't come until after her first birthday. It took a while for me to adjust to the new normal. Sleep training helped a lot. I was just so resentful of being responsible of getting her to fall asleep every nap/night.

[asoctoberfalls]

((Hugs))

I agree with the others that it mostly sounds normal, but the middle of the night anxiety also gave me pause. It certainly wouldn't hurt to talk to someone.

I DO think babies of that age can be stubborn, but I would describe it more as persistent. DS was like that, and he remains an incredibly stubborn 4 year old.

[minzy]

It sounds like you think you should call your doctor, so trust your own assessment and start there. Secondly, see what you can do asap to get a night of sleep. Have your husband handle feedings and you go to a different part of the house or a hotel even. I remember a night where I finally got a decent stretch from sleeping in our cool, quiet basement, and the next day I felt SO good, I decided to wash my car in my driveway (something I rarely do and have barely done since, haha). Also, to the extent you can, let other extraneous stuff go until you're sleeping better. Good luck, I know sleep deprivation sucks.

[Willis Jackson]

I would get it checked out. The waking up worried MOTN struck me. I did that a lot during DS1's first year and was finally diagnosed with ppa when he was 11mo.

((hugs))

[ECB]

I too agree with a lot of what has been said. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and a lot of your feelings may be coming from that. BUT it can't hurt to talk to someone.

Also, the part about her preferring DH? If you haven't, become familiar w/ normal child development! Kids go through stages w/ their parents. Sometimes the stages are short, sometimes they are long, but kids do go through stages where they prefer one parent over the other. It's not something to get angry at your baby over.

Maybe that's more based in the other issues going on. But at the same time, it can't hurt to make sure you understand what's normal (and trust me - this isn't something that *I* just inherently knew myself. I read books and talked to friends who had older children).

[holly116]

You've gotten some great advice, I just wanted to stop in and give you a big virtual hug. I think we've all been there in one degree or another and we're all here to support you. Talk to your doctor and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[jeaniebueller]

I would talk to your doctor. I don't think your DD's behavior is abnormal and I think its great that you recognize that your feelings are not rational, but some of the language you are using is a little troubling. First, your baby does not dislike you. Yes, she can feed off of your anxiety, but I promise you that your baby is bonded with you and loves and needs you! Its totally fine to rock her to sleep. Do not worry about "coddling" a 7 month old. She is just a baby. I can sense the anxiety that you have just reading your post, so I think it would be a really great idea for you to talk to someone. Hugs. It is hard being a mom sometimes.

[nessness]

I disagree somewhat with @fivedogs . I have described DD as strong-willed since about 5 months. She is incapable of being redirected. I remember eating lunch with my sister and her same-aged baby. Both babies tried to grab forks off the table, and we moved them out of reach. Her baby moved on to something else, while DD continued to try to get to the fork the entire meal. It is a challenge, and almost every time I'm around another baby I'm struck by how easygoing they seem in comparison.

Sure, it's in the range of normal baby behavior, but so is waking up 6 times at night and that doesn't mean it's not hard.

Also, DD has preferred me since birth (although occasionally that seems like it's starting to change). I try not to describe it as her not liking DH, but it definitely feels like that sometimes, and it's hard on him when he tries to kiss her or whatever and she immediately cries.

[anna7602]

So many hugs to you. The first year just sucks no matter what your baby's temperament is. And, I still have days on which I don't like my kid, even the older one who has been STTN for a long time and hasn't cut a tooth since her molars emerged 2 years ago.

Like PP said, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone about your feelings. Even when things fall in the range of normal, I feel like most women get far too little support in juggling all the emotional demands of motherhood. Just because every kid acts like a perfect and complete asshole while teething does not mean all mothers can or should just grin and bear it. Be kind to yourself.

[Muddled]

Just sending you hugs. You'll get through to the other side.

[barefootcontessa]

Soon after I had my first baby, our doctor told me that if baby still cried and fussed after trying comfort measures that it was okay to walk away for 10 minutes and just let him cry. I have always remembered that and it helped me a lot when I was at the end of my rope. You did nothing wrong by walking away for 5 minutes.

Adjusting to parenthood is so hard, because there is no other life experience that really compares. I remember thinking my first baby was strong willed and really he was just being a baby. Is there anyway you can get a few good nights worth of sleep? If you can and you still feel this way then I would go see someone. But it may just be the combination of FTM and sleep deprievation.

[genet313]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate the advice/thoughts.   I definitely think I need to speak to someone, and will call my doctor today.

I am feel better today, despite the fact that she was up about 4 times last night again rolling over and freaking out about it every time.  Tonight I'm going to try to give her some Tylenol as well to see if that helps with the tooth pain.  

To answer questions:
DH works a lot - his norm is 10-16 hour days and he works a lot of weekends (from home, but still has times where he's unavailable).  He's not the sole breadwinner but he is primary, and he really needs a lot of sleep to function.  I also BF/pump. Combining all of this, I just don't feel like I can ask him to sacrifice what little sleep/rest he gets just so I can sleep.  He's such a great dad and already tries to help me so much on weekends and takes DD so I can take a nap usually on both days, but he worked all weekend so I never got a chance to catch up a bit as I normally do.   Adding to the sleep deprivation cycle, obviously.

I don't feel depressed, I'm not sad about this episode or her at all.  I have so much love for her.  But I definitely feel anxious (more than my normal levels of anxiety), especially about her sleep, which is manifesting into anger.     

I know you can't "spoil" a 7 month old.  But I worry so much about her "ability to self soothe" and "how to get baby to put herself to sleep" and all the articles and my pediatrician telling me not to nurse/rock to sleep, and I feel like I'm doing badly by her by trying to comfort her, trying to hold her, nurse her, etc.  Which, I'm sure once I am farther down the parenting road, I'll realize is complete bull shit and of course I should do what my baby needs, but I feel like I'm getting the "don't do that!" message from all sides.    And all of this feeds into my anxiety.  

Although  I will say that I know she's strong willed and not just being a baby.  I can see it in her eyes and facial expressions  I'm sure this is a trait I will come to admire in her as she grows up, but for now, when she gives me the raised eyebrows and the "I'm not doing that" feet dance...yeah, that's her will.   But I know I can deal with my reaction to her in a more healthy way, and I'm going to take steps to do that.  Thank you!

[anna7602]

Aug 31, 2015 9:56:50 GMT -5 genet313 said:

I know you can't "spoil" a 7 month old.  But I worry so much about her "ability to self soothe" and "how to get baby to put herself to sleep" and all the articles and my pediatrician telling me not to nurse/rock to sleep, and I feel like I'm doing badly by her by trying to comfort her, trying to hold her, nurse her, etc.  Which, I'm sure once I am farther down the parenting road, I'll realize is complete bull shit and of course I should do what my baby needs, but I feel like I'm getting the "don't do that!" message from all sides.    And all of this feeds into my anxiety.  

FWIW, I nursed DD to sleep until she was 18 months old and still nurse DS to sleep now that he is 13 months old. Sitters and DH are able to get DS to sleep without rocking or nursing. I'm not sure what their secret is, but I guess I'll figure it out when I wean him, just like I figured it out with DD. We've never done CIO with either kid and they both STTN. 

DD started STTN at some miraculous point before age 1 and is still an awesome sleeper now. I take no credit for that. She's a PITA and high-maintenance in lots of other ways. DS just started consistently STTN recently. He STTN exactly 3 times the entire month of July, but we've had a great run in August. 

DS refused a nap altogether yesterday due to teething and wailed his head off for 15 minutes while I showered and he was in the crib. (Bringing him in the bathroom with me results in his throwing toys and books and anything else he can get his hands on into the shower.) We both survived the day while DH was off having daddy-daughter bonding with DD. I feel no guilt. Today is a new day and he's now napping. I can only do so much. So can you. The name of the game is keeping your sanity intact and you do whatever you have to do for that. 

[Pilsy]

Hugs, genet313.

I'm late to this but glad you'll look into some help. I think I need it, too, so I appreciate this thread for the thought.